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“Okay, that's it for you today,” Ryland voiced, putting down the safety glasses that had hung around his neck after you guys had finished the previous experiment on the astrophage collected from the Petrova line of Tau Ceti. He straightened his back, causing you to follow suit from your slightly crouched position you had assumed previously to look over Grace’s shoulder at the results of the experiment on the console that sat on the table.
Ryland turned around, causing you to take a step back so that you wouldn’t be face against his toned chest. You saw him stand with one leg slightly protruded outwards, his weight slightly offset to the other one, his arms placed on his hips. He looked as if he was looking at one of his students that was giving him a hard time.
“What? What do you mean, we still have more tests to perform on the sample,” you stated, your voice coming out dryer than you had expected, pointing towards the clipboard that sat on the table and with your to-do list.
“I will finish them,” Ryland stated.
“And, I will hel-” you began, before getting cut off, a bit rudely in your opinion, by Ryland’s voice, his words making you raise an eyebrow at him in question.
“You're doing that again,” he commented, his arms moving to cross in front of his chest, from the position on his hips that they had assumed before.
“Doing what?”
“Playing with your hand, and pressing the back of your right one to try to alleviate the jittery pain you get when your lacking sleep and fighting back exhaustion," he replied with his very accurate analysis of your habits, his eyes scanning down to your hands, that were in the middle of the exact said motion.
As your brain registered his words, slightly delayed, because in fact you were truly exhausted, your movements halted mid movement, slowly sneaking your hands out of his sight, setting them behind your back.
“No-, no, no! That's not true, I am perfectly fine!” you exclaimed, your voice slightly cracking near the end, your lips pressing into a line out of embarrassment, as you looked everywhere but his eyes.
“I- I just hit my hand, just a tiny bit too hard against one of the fixtures when I was doing maintenance checks in the EVA room,” you told him accompanied by the motion of your hands putting an emphasis on the ‘tiny’, coming up with the excuse on the spot, your voice rising in pitch as you relayed it to him.
You could already tell by the way he looked at you through a point above his glasses, that sat lower on his nose bridge, and the way his head tilted to the side, almost as if asking you ‘really?’ that you knew he wasn’t buying what you were throwing at him. However, you had also made up your mind, and weren’t planning to back out now, out of whatever this was.
“It was an accident. I just was a little clumsy, probably cause I feel a little excited since we might have potentially found a way to save earth and Erid, you know,” you said, falling deeper into the web of your own lie, despite knowing that the web already had a big hole in the middle.
“Oh, I see. But you do seem to have these tiny accidents often in your excited clumsiness, and in the same area too…” he trailed off his words, pretending to be in thought about the peculiar situation you had described. Oh, he wasn’t cutting you any slack, why would he when his very stubborn and only human crew members refused to take the call of rest that their body required. Yes, that is what he told himself was the reason for why he was pressing on this matter so hard, and there definitely weren’t any personal feelings involved. Well, maybe there were, but he wasn’t ready to confront those just yet.
Ryland’s gaze softened as he took the time to look at you, while you were busy scanning the lab in an effort to find some way to escape from his conversation. He noticed the way the exhaustion was clear on your face, evident by the dark circles surrounding the rims of your under eyes, your eyelids a little puffy and red. He had noticed the way your eyes would squint when working on a task in order to fight the urge of your eyelids to close. The way you squeeze your thumb against your palm with your fingers to calm the little shakes of your hands. The way you would go to sleep later than him, but be already up before him, working on maintenance tasks around the ship as the engineer on board. He noticed it all.
When he had once gone to retrieve a pain killer from the medical kit, he found the melatonin gummies half empty. He noticed how over weeks you had shifted to using more powerful sleep medication that was on board, but even that now was starting to lose effectiveness to allow you enough sleep to last through the next awake cycle.
He had once asked Rocky about it, to which he found his suspicions to be confirmed, when Rocky said your sleep patterns had been quite irregular compared to his own. And how the amount of time you slept for had continued to decrease. He mentioned you would often just end up leaving the room when you would find your frustration with your lack of ability to fall asleep increase, as the hours passed of you just laying on your bed, just with your thoughts and the ambience of the ship's environment. Just quietly roaming the ship, with your headphones on, so as to not disturb him during his sleep. Or more often than not, you would end up in the observation room, looking out into the void that was painted with streaks of stars.
Ryland had once asked you about it, asking if you were doing okay, and if you were getting enough sleep, politely citing your prolonged grogginess he had noticed on some days. You just waved him off, making some random excuse that you came up with at the moment. He tried to ask you about it a few more times, he didn’t want to pry, but he also wanted to make sure you were okay, and that you knew he was here, if you needed someone to confide in.
“Honestly, I think I just might need a hug,” he recalls you stating, when he had asked you about it the third time amidst a casual conversation. He recalls the way your lips formed into a little pout, looking at him with awaiting eyes to see how he would react. Ready to jump into his arms if he would let you, but also ready to play it off as a joke if you had sensed any signs of discomfort from his side. But he hugged you, he did feel a little shy at first, but he thought maybe it might actually help you, maybe that was what you needed – the touch and comfort of another human. And just maybe, that was what he was needing all along as well.
However, it did end up becoming the perfect excuse for you to use, because whenever he questioned you about your lack of sleep that was reflected in a shift in your routinely habits, or the way your body seemed to be falling into a deeper state of exhaustion, you would just ask him for a hug. Assuring him that was all you needed. Though he would never admit it, his selfish self was starting to look forward to those hugs as well, and at times of his own frustration, wanting to walk up to you and ask for one himself.
Ryland still recalls the first time he met you, well at least the first time he met you on the ship. “Eye movement detected” he had heard the ship's automated voice ring through the ship. He recalls the excitement that had bubbled up inside of him. The only other human being on board with him had finally decided to break free of their slumber. Even though it was quite a bit after him, nevertheless he was just happy that you were awake and that he had someone by his side. He had left what he was doing in the lab, and literally sprinted, tumbling and all on the way to where you were in the ship.
By the time he made it inside the room, rubbing his head that he had bumped against the wall on his way, you were already crouched up against the wall, trying to stay away from the robotics arms that were trying to reach you. You looked up at him, squinting your eyes trying to get a clear image of him before you, trying to adjust to the lights after being in a coma for so long, before you called his name. “Dr. Grace.”
It was clear that you remembered, a lot more than him. When he shared that his own memories weren’t as intact as yours, you seemed to have fallen silent, receding yourself into your own bubble. You didn’t talk to him much during those initial few days, and frankly he was a little disappointed, but he also understood that you need the time to adjust and make sense of the situation that you both were in. But when you finally emerged from your little bubble, your attitude and personality was contrasting to what he had observed and his very own.
You had the personality of what they would call bubbly. Very energetic and determined. You were always doing something around the ship, revising on all the manuals, taking the initiative to make sure the ship was working correctly at all times as the engineer, always motivating him when he himself would be feeling down, providing solutions and a ‘can do’ attitude to whatever came your way.
In all honesty, Ryland really enjoyed your company, always supporting him in whatever idea he came up with, but also sounding a voice of reason when he might be going down a slippery slope, and most of all, playing into his own sense of humor. Often making him wonder about your dynamic back on earth. You frankly didn’t share much with him, because you were worried that it would put unnecessary strain on his brain if you shared all with him at once, at least that's what you told him was the reason. So instead, whenever he would recall some of his memories, he would share it with you, and you would provide insight here and there, where you thought it was necessary. He did find it quite frustrating at times, leading to an argument between you both at one point, but he eventually understood that you had your own reason for not being fully open with him.
He also found himself pondering on the thought about how you were always so enthusiastic on the thought of saving earth whenever you guys would get closer to the goals. He had once asked you the question about what if they didn’t succeed in the goal that they were sent here for, but you just said there would be nothing but success. He attributed your response to your derminted nature. He had also attributed your indifference to the part where this was a suicide mission as part of your nature. But he realizes now that he had been wrong, that maybe your energetic and almost playful persona might have been your way to cope with the situation you had found yourself to be in. You were struggling. Struggling in your own way, struggling with your own stresses, anxiety and thoughts, that was manifesting through insomnia.
Where he was struggling with thoughts not knowing, you were struggling with the thoughts of knowing too much.
“You know what Dr. Grace, I just think I need a hug,” he heard, your voice breaking him out of his train of thought. He focused on you again, seeing your lips forming a pout, your eyes shining like that of a pleading puppy, arms extended outwards. You started to step towards him, expecting this interaction to follow the routine procedure, but you halted as soon as you saw the soft shake of his head.
“Nope, not working this time,” he declared, determined to not fall for it this time, fighting the urge to hold you in his arms using the hug you were requesting as an excuse.
Ryland called out your name, very gentle and soft, the way you would call out to a kid you're trying to console them after they got refused their favourite treat. Your pout now turned into a small frown, almost feeling a little uneasy, because you knew that if he started to act like this, you won’t be able to fight back.
“Whattt,” you groaned.
“I swear I did sleep. In fact, I slept like a baby, right Rocky?” you call out, turning to the Eridian that sat in his little bubble enclosure, working on the chain needed to fish samples from the exoplanet in Tau Ceti’s orbit. You give him a small wink of the eyes, like he could see it and would understand what it meant. Honestly, you were just hoping to find some way out of this conversation with Grace.
“Rocky don’t know how human baby sleep,” Rocky stated, earning him a little snicker from Grace, causing you to look back at him with a glare, before turning back to Rocky as he began to speak again.
“(Last Name), move move move, only sleep for 7728 seconds of the 28800”
You let out a long exasperated groan, “Rock, we talked about this.” You had in fact asked him to keep you sleeping pattern he observed when watching over you and Ryland slept a secret, but you knew that Rocky clearly hadn’t received the memo.
“Grumpy. Angry. Lack of sleep affecting (last name),”
You threw your hands, giving up the conversation and using rocky as a means to escape, mumbling a ‘nevermind’. You took a deep breath, before turning to look at Ryland again, seeing him leaning against the lab table, hands at his side, a light hold on the edge of the surface.
“Dr. Grace, I am perfectly fine, I swear, and you know what will make me feel even better? If you let me help you with the experiments, so shall we continue,” you said walking over to the side, where you had been, going to grab at the control of the console.
But before you could, Ryland slid his body to the side, right in time to block your access. Maybe it was a bit of a miscalculation on his end, because now you were right in front of him, barely an inch between your bodies. You looked up at him with an intensity behind your eyes, your brows furrowed in frustration, as you crossed your arms in front of your body, your forearms now pushing against his hard and toned torso. Clearly signaling to him that you weren’t going to listen to him, so he better back off.
“(Last name) look mad, mad mad mad, Grace in trouble, question?”
Grace swallowed the dryness away from his throat, for a moment he was going to back off, and let you have this win, and try to talk to you about this again, later, but seeing from this close, the tiredness was even more evident, so he couldn’t let this go now.
“You do really need to sleep, you can’t keep going on like this,” he says, very softly, and pleading to you with his eyes, just for your sake. Maybe you were a little angry, or maybe the lack of sleep was truly starting to fuck with you brain, beacuse the softenness in his voice didn’t seem to reach your ears, instead you pushed further.
“Stop going all teacher mode on me, Mr. Grace” you voiced though gritted teeth.
“Then stop acting as a stubborn middle schooler,” he shot back, his voice raising a little.
At that, you finally decided to back off and just listen cause you didn’t want to be a nuance when everyone was just looking out for you. You sighed, mumbling a little ‘sorry’, taking a step back, and in that motion Grace decided to take the initiative to turn you around, his hands pressed against your back, gently pushing you towards the door.
“Dr. Grace,” you whined, but let him push you towards the door, without much physical resistance, cause maybe the exhaustion was starting to catch up with your body now as well.
“Ryland!”
“Ry-Ry!”
“Rocky!” You called out to the alien who had continued to watch this whole fiasco from his enclosure, your elevated voice caused the alien to get up from his spot in a worry, thinking you and grace were seriously fighting. “Rocky, help, I'm being kidnapped,” you called. You think your brain is seriously starting to become mush from the lack of sleep.
“What is kid-nap, question?” the computerized voice rang through the lab, rocky skittering in place, unsure what to do.
“Rocky, don’t worry, I am just going to put (your name) to sleep, I will be back in 10 minutes,” Ryland called out, closing the lab door behind him, as your bodies exited the space. At this point, you had fully given up, now walking yourself to the sleeping quarters, Ryland trailing behind you.
You propped yourself up on the narrower side of the bed, letting yourself fall to the soft bedding, your back hitting the surface with a light plop sound, resting your forearm on top of your eyes, shielding them from the artificial light of the space, letting your eyes close.
It was quiet. And for you that was suffocating, because that was what had been playing a part in your struggles with sleep. The near silence felt as the darkness of the void that surrounded you had broken through some crack in the ship, surrounding you in endless emptiness, left only with the never ending pit of your thoughts that brought up unwanted emotions. You wanted to sleep, you were extremely tired, tired from all the thoughts that played into your minds, thoughts from your life on earth, all the achievements and regrets, the moments of happiness and sadness, thoughts of all the people you love, and even the ones not so much, refusing to let your brain be quiet.
And you felt so stupid, this stuff didn’t matter anymore, you had to save not just earth now, but also Erid, you didn’t have the time to delve into these useless thoughts. These thoughts kept your brain occupied, stripping you of the privilege of a proper sleep. And this lack of sleep was truly getting in the way of things now. You have been doing extra tasks around the ships, just occupying yourself with whatever you can in order to tire yourself out so that your brain would listen to the pleas of its body and let it rest, all while preparing to go fishing. You will be piloting the spacecraft when on the mission to receive the samples of life from the planet’s atmosphere, and you are afraid that your body's exhaustion will cost you, at a time you can not afford to make any mistakes, because so much depends on it. The lives of those on Erid, Earth, and even the lives of those now most dear to you, Rocky and … Ryland.
Ryland’s sweet voice, laced with evident concern for your well being, broke through the darkness that was starting to consume you once more. It was a call of your name, helping pull you out of your own void, forcing you to open your eyes. You just laid there for a moment, taking a few deep breaths, trying to regulate your breathing that had started to become staggering without you even realizing.
You could hear the sounds of Ryland’s breathing, feel the warmth radiating from his body against your legs. He was standing much closer now, just a few steps back from the bed. You forced yourself to get up, your legs dangling off the bed, as you looked up to meet Ryland’s eyes, which expressed everything he wanted to say through his words. None of you spoke for a few moments, letting the silence linger in the space between you. A silence that was usually daunting to you, wasn’t as much so today, because right now, there was a comforting pair of blue eyes present to look after you
“Is everything okay?”
He was the first to break the spell of silence. His voice was gentle, as if honey to the ears, but also cautious as to not cross any boundary that you might not allow him past. He watched as a frown appeared to set on your features, making him feel a little panicked.
“No, no- I,” Ryland pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath to collect himself.
“Hey, I know you have been struggling with falling a sleep, something has been bothering you deep down, and I understand you might not want to share it with me, but,” he pauses, seeing the tearings starting roll over the bay of your eyes, rolling down your cheeks as they fall to your lap, as the corners of your mouth twitch a little, as you fight the urge to break out into a proper sob. It aches his heart to see you like this, but he continues, stepping a little closer, his thighs slightly brushing against your knees, bending a little to be eye level with you, putting his hands on his knees.
“I’m here. I’m here for you, whatever you might need, or even if you want someone to talk to, I am here,” he finished, giving you a soft smile. At this point you were already sobbing, his words, his smile and his warm eyes were just so comforting that you just couldn’t help but cry.
Ryland stepped even closer, his arm reaching out to you, pulling your head to rest against his torso, rubbing one hand on your head in a soothing motion, while holding on to your hand that now gripped his shirt in effort to ground yourself. You wanted to let yourself get lost in his warmth and comfort he was providing you, but the guilt stopped you from letting yourself fully indulge. The guilt of knowing what happened to him on Earth. The guilt of knowing that he was likely sent on this mission against his will. The guilt that you knew, but didn’t have it in you to tell him the truth. Would he still comfort you like this if he knew? If he knew what you had kept from him? You weren’t fully sure.
He called out to you again, his voice breaking through the clouded thoughts. You didn’t reply to him, but he knew you were listening by the way your grip on his shirt tightened. “I know how much this all means to you, this whole mission. And I know you have been working extra hard these past couple of days, pushing yourself over your limit,” he acknowledged, continuing to rub soothingly on your head, while his other hand squeezed yours more tightly. “But, I need you to rest, sleep when your body allows you to. Yea?”
You shook your head to let him know that you understood what he was trying to say, snuggling a little closer into his chest, both of your arms warping around his waist, because you weren't ready to let go, just yet. He waited for you to fully calm down, letting you embrace him to seek your own comfort, which he found his happiness in.
Once your crying had finally stopped, the dry tears staining your cheeks, feeling calmed down enough you pulled away from Ryland. However, you refused to look him in the eyes, instead focusing your attention to your hands in your palms instead, because you were feeling a little embarrassed for this whole situation and for making a mess of his shirt with your tears.
“Sorry, I made a mess of your shirt, you can give it to me and I'll clean it for you,” you said, apologizing for what you had done. He shook his head, which you couldn’t fully see because you still refused to look at him. “Are you feeling better now?” he questioned, to which you replied with a small yes.
“Well, that's good. Then you can make a mess of my shirt whenever you like if it helps you calm down,” he assured, but wait that didn't sound right, it came out way worse than he had meant it to. Oh, he needed to quickly clarify what he had meant. As his brain was thinking of the right way to rectify, your laugh made its way to his ears, and that instantly made his brian to stop working for a moment. It had been a while since he had last heard you laugh, hearing it now instantly made a smile to appear on his lips.
“Okay, get some rest now,” he said, ruffling your hair a little in an affectionate manner. As he was about to turn around to leave the space, you grabbed his wrist, making him halt mid movement. He turned to you to see that you were finally looking at him again, eyes still a little glossy from your little cry session earlier.
“Can’t you sleep with me?”
His body froze. Okay, maybe his own state of exhaustion was starting to catch up to him as well cause he was starting to hear things now. But the expression that he saw on your face, matching his with your wide eyes and arched brows, confirmed that he in fact heard you correctly. A shade of red crept up his face, a very loud visual of his fluster state.
You instantly let go of his wrist, when your own brain processed what had come out of your mouth. You were starting to think that your brain had become soup at this point from the lack of sleep, and left your body with the flow of your tears. What the fudge did just say to him!
“Wait, Wait! That's not what I meant,” you started frantically shaking your hands in front of you. “What I meant to ask was, if you would keep me company,” you tried to clarify, regretting even thinking of asking in the first place.
“Um-”
“I’m so sorry, please just forget what I said,” you requested, the embarrassment wanting you to eject yourself out of the air lock. You erratically shifted to pull your legs onto the bed, laying yourself down, and fully hiding yourself under your blanket, trying to avoid Ryland’s eyes. “I’ll try to get some sleep, now” you exclaimed from under the piece of fabric you had hid yourself under.
You heard nothing in response, not even the sound of him leaving the room. He was still there, unbeknownst to you that he was fighting his inner self on what to do, because the selfish side of him wanted to jump to your side and embrace you in his arms, but the rational side of him thought the best option would be for him to leave and let you rest.
It was perfectly still for a moment before you heard the shuffling of Ryland's feet, which seemed to be moving closer rather than heading for the door, before they came to a standstill as you felt his presence near the bed. You peek your head out of the blanket to see him standing near the bedside.
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay?” You ask, a little confused.
“i’ll keep you company, until you fall asleep. I mean, I need a little break as well anyway?” he replied, finding a reason to stay, a lazy smile tugging at his lips, causing a little grin to break onto your lips, as you adjusted to give him space on this already small twin bed.
Ryland found himself laying next to you, his arms folded under his head, to put as much physical space between your bodies as possible, to be courteous of your personal space and again, to not cross any boundaries you may not want him crossing. He looked at the ceiling, as did you, only the sounds of your breathing intermingling, the buzzing of the Hail Mary filling the space between you.
Ryland felt you turn to your side, facing him, feeling your gaze on him, as you just admired his beautiful side profile for a few moments. He felt your arm drape around his torso, causing his body to go stiff. You waited. Waited for him to push your hand away, but he didn’t. Instead, he unfolded one of his arms, and laid it out straight in the space on the bed, right above where your head was. And you took this as an invitation to shift closer, to bury yourself to the side of his toned body, resting your head on his bicep.
You could feel his heartbeat, drumming through your ear. It was a little elevated at first, due to your sudden proximity, but as you both settled in, finding comfort in each other's warmth, your heart beats started to slow, your breathing finding a common rhythm as the spell of sleep started to wash over.
“Ry” you called out to him in a gentle whisper, as to not wake him up had he already fallen under the spell, looking up at him. You heard a little ‘hmm’ from him, as his droopy eyes looked down at you, a sleepy smile resting on his lips.
“Thank you”
He just gave you a loving smile in response to your words, before he whispered a ‘go to sleep’, shifting his eyes back to look at the metal ceiling. At that, you snuggled yourself closer, if that was even even possible, before finally closing your eyes. It was quiet, but it wasn’t so suffocating when you were in his arms, by his side. Your brain at last let itself shut off, allowing your body the much needed sleep. But that wasn’t before you felt Grace’s hand gently playing with your hair, helping your body lull itself to sleep. .
At some point, your body awoke for a few moments, and you realized that Grace had joined you in much needed slumber. His hand that was under his head, now wrapped around you causing you to smile against his chest before your body fell back to sleep.
.