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I don’t know why I decided that today was the day I end my life. Why today of all days? I wasn’t planning on going on a walk with Rhysmuth. But fate has a weird way of being cruel to you when you least expect it.
In this case, fate was my partner named Rhysmuth.
You don’t think about how beautiful stuff is until it is your last day alive, when you stop and pay attention to see it all. But the decision was made, and sometimes, not even the beauty of the environment can stop you.
“Are you okay? You seem… spaced out.” Rhysmuth said. If only they knew. I don’t want to let them down, but I can’t tell them. I’d hate to see them sad before I go.
“I’m okay, don’t worry about me,” I lie. I can’t believe that I still have to lie today. It’ll be the last time, so I don’t worry.
I can tell Rhysmuth really doesn’t believe me, as they give me a side-eye before turning back to face forward. They lean in and hug me on the side.
“You know, you can tell me anything. And everything. I won’t judge.”
“Okay.” I respond flatly.
They definitely don’t believe me.
~~
Later, at night… or whatever time it is, because down here in the Workshop, you can barely count time because we’re in a literal brain, I sneak out of the castle.
I spend a half-hour finding a strong tree that can support my weight without breaking. I don’t find one that 100% satisfies me, but the rope I’m carrying is fucking heavy.
I feel nothing as I tie it into a noose. I’m just so empty and broken that not even my own death can make me feel anything. And to think that only a few years before, death terrified the shit out of me?
I’d like to apologize to my younger self. He’d be so scared to know that he’d grow up into this mess.
This mess that feels nothing for his own death.
I still don’t change my mind, tying the rope to the tree. I try to find something to stand on, and I end up finding a rock. A very pretty rock. Such a shame I’ll be stepping all over it.
Finally, I’m done. It took me a while, since I’m not the best with knots. I step up on my pretty rock and tie the noose around my neck. I kick the rock away and hang there, feeling the pressure tighten around my neck.
My lungs force me to try and breathe even though I don’t want to. I feel myself slipping, my gaze blurring and darkening with each agonizing second I’m still not dead…
Until someone’s gentle touch carries me and somehow undos the noose. I don’t really care about the how, I just care that they couldn’t let me have my final moments in peace. I would’ve protested, but I couldn’t get the words out.
“You’re safe…”
…Rhysmuth?
I should’ve guessed. Who else would it have been?
~~
I wake up in Rhysmuth’s lap. They didn’t seem to sleep at all last night.
“Fuck you. Why’d you do that?” I question, “Was I really that worth it?”
Rhysmuth pressed a kiss to the side of my hair (however the hell they do that), and when they pulled away, affirming, “You’re worth everything in the world.”
“Except dying, obviously.” I spat.
“You can tell me everything, dear. I really mean it.” They insist, giving me a hug.
I hate them right now. They’re not acting like usual. Rhysmuth usually plays video games and talks too much and too loudly. This is not Rhysmuth, this is… some-Mon. But it can’t be them, because they’re never this soft.
“Shut up. I don’t like crying.”
They chuckle a little, tightening their grip on me, “You can cry, it’s okay,” they coax.
And then I hate them even more because the tears come out. I’m loud and I’m broken, and I’m sure that everyone in this damn castle could probably hear me. Maybe because I’m also screaming.
Rhysmuth gives me a pillow to scream into. I hate to admit it but the pillow was a good idea. It feels good.
I don’t know how long I cry and scream for. I just know that they never leave me alone. I can tell that this is Rhysmuth. Because Rhysmuth was also caring and loyal.
“I fucking h-hate you.” I complain, putting my palm flat against their torso(?) to feel the cool crystal block of it. I’ve always loved the cold and the way it felt against my skin.
“Why is that?” Rhysmuth asks.
“Because. Because you didn’t let me die. And because you’re so kind. And… I don’t know! You just… ugh…” I try to explain, but once I realize that I don’t really have a valid reason for ‘hating’ Rhysmuth, I lean on them.
They don’t say anything back to me, as if letting it sink in.
After a minute or so, they say, “I’m sorry that you feel that way. But I couldn’t let you go that easily. You just don’t understand that some Monsters still care about you.”
I kinda hate to admit that it was kind of funny when they said that.
“Promise you won’t try that again?”
I don’t know if I can.
“I’m sorry.”
“There’s no reason for you to be sorry, not to me at least. Please try to be kinder to yourself, at the bare minimum. For me, if not for you.”
“You’re so corny,” I tease.
“I know. Only you get to see this side of me. The others would never let me live it down.”
I took a deep breath and laid down against Rhysmuth. It was true that I didn’t want to live, but it was worth knowing that I’d wake up tomorrow with them beside me.
They still wanted me.