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"What do I fuckin' do, Ray? He's with Bert; I've got no chance. It's all shit." Frank threw his head into his hands; the fabric of his fingerless skeleton gloves unfamiliarly rougher than usual against his skin.
"I don't know what to tell you, Frank." Ray replied, shifting slightly on the stair step above Frank.
"There's nothing to tell. I can't do anything about it; Bert'll fuckin' kill me. Besides, it's not like Gerard likes me back." Frank sighed, adjusting his posture before pulling out a pack of cigarettes from his front pocket. He slides a cigarette out and presses a lighter to the end of it before inhaling.
"You don't know that. You get all these pets from him, hugs every single fucking day, on rare occasions you'll get a kiss on the forehead. That's definitely more than friends. You always make a tally mark if he kisses your head." Ray reassured, or rather, attempted to.
"Bert. You think he'd just leave him for me? What have I got?" Frank takes a drag of his cigarette, just the slightest second longer, hoping to feel a little more.
Ray doesn't respond.
"He's just... using me probably. Since Bert's flyin' across the fuckin' world. I'm the next best thing to practice his little hugs on. Gee's trying to figure out how he's gonna hold him when he's back." Frank scratches the back of his neck and stomps his cigarette out before standing. "Good talk." He goes down the last few steps of the stairs.
"Frank," Ray stands and tries to stop him, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He plops back down onto the step.
Frank sat on the floor, Gerard above him on the armrest of the couch. Frank's head tilted ever so slightly into Gerard's touch, craning into his knees. Gerard's fingers curled around tufts of Frank's raven hair.
"Dunno, we could try that. What do you think, Frankie?" Gerard asks, threading his soft hand over Frank's head.
"Huh?" Frank murmurs. Every time Gerard pets him, his brain goes dumb like a dog. It always turns off a switch in his brain that powers all logic.
"More variety in our shows. Somethin’ like... oh, I don’t know. Playing a few more demos.” Gerard’s fingers don’t falter, continuing their slow pace as they trail through Frank’s hair.
“Yeah, sure,” Frank hummed in response, eyelids drooping over his dilated hazel pupils that fought to look up at Gerard. His hand slid from Frank’s hair to his cheek, thumb rubbing over his cheekbones smoothly. If Frank had a thing for hair-playing, this was next level. Gerard didn’t do it often, but it was always a blessing. Frank leaned a little closer to him, placing his head over Gerard’s knees. Frank froze in position—afraid of messing up. He held back the cough rumbling in his throat. Trying not to seem too desperate, Frank forced his eyes open and looked around the room to see one Ray Toro giving him an ‘I know what you are’ look. Frank knew he’d get a teasing after this was over.
“I actually took that idea from Bert,” Gerard admitted, still thumbing Frank’s cheek. Annoyed at hearing Bert’s name, Frank tunes out of the conversation and tries not to think about how he feels like he’s being used. He tries thinking about anything else; it’s not exactly easy when the love of your life is stroking your face. Frank doesn’t want to think, talk, or hear anything about Bert. It reminds Frank that he’s not a choice—that he’s just this toy to be Gerard’s placeholder for Bert. It reminds Frank that he’s not Gerard’s even if he would give up anything to be his.
Frank thinks he could treat Gerard better than Bert could. Lately, Gerard mentioned that Bert barely makes good communication with him, especially significant considering their “long-distance”. Not only that, but Gerard stated his growing dislike for Bert’s physical affection for whatever reason. Frank thinks he’d make a good partner for Gerard. He was a dog; obedient and loyal. Frank wanted nothing more but to submit to Gerard but also give him everything he wanted and needed. He was worth it. Maybe.
“You’re cute, Frank.” Ray chuckled. “Your eyes light up every time he hugs you from the back.” Frank chewed his lip in faux irritation.
“Fuck off,” he grumbled, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.
“Always so cuddly, you guys are really cute, I mean it.” Ray swung his head to adjust his hair.
“You think?”
“I do. I think you guys make a better pairing than him ‘nd Bert.”
“That’s what I’m fuckin’ saying! You’re sayin’ I’m obvious about it too; why isn’t he gettin’ the hint then? Am I not obvious enough to him? Leave that fuckin’ guy, Gee, I’m right here.” Frank extended his arms, attempting to accentuate his feelings through his hand motions. “Like, I promise, I’m worth it.” Frank’s voice gets a little quieter as he speaks, as if his sorrows began to mingle with his desires.
“I wish he’d see that.” Ray said softly, like he could sense Frank’s immediate shift in tone.
“I can’t keep living like this.” Frank’s feet shuffle quietly underneath him. “I can’t, Ray. It’s fuckin’ hell having to hear ‘oh, Bert said’, or ‘I love you so much, Bert’, or anything of the sorts! I can’t keep listening to Bert this, Bert that, Bert fucking fuck. I just want to be Gerard’s.” Frank groaned.
Ray simply nodded, fiddling with his fingers in his lap.
“Don’t even get me started on how Gerard complains to me. He says shit like, ‘Bert is so dry when I talk to him’, and how he doesn’t seem to like Bert’s physical affection from the few times he’s had a show near. Like Bert’s touch is all of a sudden so forceful and uncomfortable.” Frank rants, making air quotes with his hands when he speaks. “Oh, and do you know what he said to me once? That my physical affection was good; he liked it a lot. Seriously?! I mean, thank you, Gee, but if I’m so wonderful as you say, why can’t it be me?!” He huffs, swinging his arms.
“Holy shit,” Ray murmurs.
“Exactly. An’ dude—I was having a fuckin’ episode once at like... three in the morning and I just fuckin’ said to Gee, ‘hey Gee, this isn’t a suicide message. But I love you; you’ve been making me feel better for the past few weeks when my life felt like shit. Just your presence is all I need. I haven’t said that to you, so I just wanted to let you know. Okay, thanks, bye.’ I fucking messaged him that!” Frank threw his head back, groaning as the autumn air brushed against his face.
“Hey, Frank,” Mikey said, placing his bag down. He was early to Frank’s impromptu hangout by 20 minutes.
“Hi,” Frank replied, putting several bags of chips on the table.
“Is Ray here yet?” Mikey asked, sitting on the couch and adjusting his glasses.
“Not yet. Where’s Gee?” Frank felt his stomach twist a little, at the mention of Gerard.
“Said he’ll be here in a few; ‘working on his comic’.”
“Oh.”
The silence didn’t feel awkward to Mikey; he was used to it and quite enjoyed it. Who did feel awkward though, was Frank. He wanted to confess to Mikey that he liked Gerard—but that was his brother. For crying out loud, the Way brothers told each other everything. Frank felt like he was in high school again, with a hallway crush that made him giddy. But Gerard was no hallway crush.
“Mikey, you won’t uhh... Spill my secrets, right? I can trust you?” Frank said, running a hand through his hair.
“Of course, dude.” Mikey said, face deadpan.
“I’ve been, um, really. Shit, this sounds fuckin’ dumb—I really like Gerard. Like, I like him.” Frank swallowed, fixing his hair with no mirror but only sensation.
“Oh, I kind of figured.” Mikey’s emotion didn’t change; he looked at Frank with half-lidded eyes and a closed mouth. Frank said nothing. He grabbed a few bottles of alcohol from his cupboard and set them on the table alongside some shot glasses. He grabbed the remote for his TV and sat on the couch, waiting for everyone to arrive. Mikey opened his mouth to speak.
“Frank, are you alr-”
The lock of his door clicked as Gerard and Ray stepped inside. Frank stared at Gerard first, then at Ray whose face was plastered with worry.
“Hey, Frankie!” Gerard waved. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought Bert with me. He’s in town today.” At the calling of his name, Bert emerged from behind the door with a mild grin.
Frank tried to hold back his annoyance.
“Hey, Bert.” Frank murmured through gritted teeth. "I don't think I have enough shot glasses."
"No, no, it's fine. I had a few drinks already." Bert replied.
"Awesome. Make yourself comfortable." Albeit Frank didn't want Bert to be comfortable. He didn't want Bert to be here at all.
Bert sat on the couch, with Gerard slipping in on his left, leaving a gap between Bert's right and Frank's left for Ray. Frank wrinkled his nose and turned on the television.
Frank stuffed his face in the crook of Gerard's neck, inhaling his addictive smell, his hands on Gerard's waist, holding him close and semi-tight. This is where Frank wanted to be for the rest of his life; in Gerard's arms just breathing in that familiar sweet scent that Frank just couldn't get enough of. Frank let out a little whine of disappointment at having to part ways with Gerard temporarily. They saw each other nearly every day—but that didn't mean Frank didn't miss him. He held back the urge to press a gentle kiss to Gerard's collarbone. Sometimes, Frank wished he could merge souls with Gerard forever.
He was jealous of Bert, and there was nothing he could do about it.