Archive of Our Own

I wiped the dust from my fur and sat down in my chair; I had just been adopted by the Flynn-Fletchers and my lair was still under construction. I appreciated the effort that goes into building a lair, but I was really starting to get tired of being covered in construction debris.

I hit the buttons on the console and a zoomed-out image of Major Monogram in his underwear (Ew) and his monogrammed jacket appears on the screen.

“Carl! My close up!” Major Monogram shouts to Carl the unpaid intern. (I'm glad I still get to work with Carl, he's one of the nicest humans I've meet—excluding my new family, of course)

The camera view zooms in and shows Major Monogram on his classic gray background.

“Now that you have been assigned a host family—” I hate that term, it feels so…impersonal “—You are now eligible for a nemesis, congratulations! You've been assigned a ‘Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz’ —that's quite a mouthful” I nod. I'm surprised to get a nemesis so quickly, most agents have to wait a couple of months and do busy work in the meantime. I wonder if this is because I finished top of my class?

“Anyway, recent surveillance footage shows Doofenshmirtz buying a large amount of radios and staplers, he also bought a soda but we're pretty sure that's unrelated” He's joking right? None of that makes any sense.

“We need you to get out there and stop him!” Oh, I guess he's not joking. Okay.

I salute Major Monogram before getting up and running to my hoverjet. I hop into it and start it up. I take off and head through the hoverjet-sized tunnel leading out of my lair.

I enjoy the flight to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, it's a pleasant day and I get to pick what music I listen to on the radio. (I end up picking the same one Linda likes; but it's the fact I got to pick that counts)

When I reach D.E.I. I fly my hoverjet through the wall of Doofenshmirtz's lab. I land and put the hoverjet into park. I grab a fruit basket out of the truck. I'm not sure why, but giving your nemesis a fruit basket when you meet them seems to be a tradition in OWCA.

A man in a white lab coat steps out of what looks like a bathroom. “A Platypus?” The man I assume is Dr. Doofenshmirtz says.

I put the fruit basket on a work bench. I walk over to the man and I hold out a business card that reads:

He takes the card from me and reads it. “Perry the Platypus!” He says. He puts the card in his pocket before continuing “You must be here for the LOVEMUFFIN slash OWCA Nemesis exchange program?” I nod.

“Ah, well then let me introduce myself. My name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and I intend to take over the Entire Tri-State Area!” He threw his arms up into the air and cackled. He genuinely cackled maniacally, I thought the older agents were joking when they said evil scientists did that, but I guess not.

Anyway—I jumped up and slammed my tail into his face, sending him stumbling back into the wall. I land on all fours and run to the large machine—that I assume is his scheme—and smack the large red button labeled “Self-destruct Button” which, conveniently, is at perfect platypus height.

The machine explodes, flinging me up into the air. I pull a cord on my chest and my parachute deploys.

“Curse you, Perry the Platypus!” I hear Doofenshmirtz shout.