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Pei Xiu rubbed the cursed shackles on his wrist, trying to distract himself from what was happening and keep himself from falling straight into dark, impenetrable emotions. To the touch, the shackles felt no different from ordinary skin, and he wouldn’t have been able to find them without looking. Someone who didn’t know what these shackles were used for might even have considered them beautiful and exquisite, but Pei Xiu wanted to rip them off along with his skin because of the feeling that spiritual energy refused to accumulate in his body, seeping away like water between his fingers and leaving him weak, slow, and useless.
For the first time in a long while, he felt that should he get himself into trouble, he might actually die.
It was hard for the mortal him to breathe so high up in the Heavenly Court because of the thin air; the sun shone too brightly, blinding him; the crowd of heavenly officials who had come to watch the final stage of his banishment buzzed so loudly that he wanted to cover his ears; and Pei Xiu, overwhelmed by all this and by himself, turned his gaze to Pei Ming, who had come to see him off.
“There's one more thing I wanted to tell You,” he said quietly, staring off to the side again and scratching his wrist. His gaze darted about in unison with his mind, still trying to find even a slightly better solution to the situation at hand, and Ming Guang’s firm gaze forced the escorts to reluctantly step back, creating a semblance of privacy for the two of them. “If anything happens to me, take my spiritual weapon for yourself.”
Pei Ming inhaled and exhaled very slowly, and from those sounds alone, Pei Xiu realized he was angry.
“And here I was wondering what else you had to say, and this is what you tell me now,” he remarked coldly, and Pei Xiu blinked, he was unwilling to part with his beloved sword—which the general had given him so long ago—he was even less willing to consider that this might be their last meeting.
“My sword has grown stronger alongside me over the years, and I am certain it will serve You well,” he continued, feeling increasingly short of breath.
“Quiet. Enough of this,” Pei Ming snapped curtly, as if rejecting the only thing that his lover could offer at this moment, and Pei Xiu looked at his face—irritated, broken, exhausted—and he had been silent, holding back his feelings and thoughts for hundreds of years, but now he could no longer do so, nor did he want to.
“If I’m gone, at least I’ll be of use to You with this sword,” Pei Xiu said, smiling slightly, for some reason thinking that a single smile of his might fix things a little, and his head jerked to the side from an unexpected slap.
Pei Ming had a heavy hand.
“I told you to be quiet,” he remarked grimly, and Pei Xiu, looking at the laughing crowd in the distance, moved his lips as if to say something else, but stopped himself and merely nodded mechanically.
Ever since the day everything finally went downhill, Pei Ming had either been worried about him or angry with him, and after Pei Xiu refused to pin the blame on Ban Yue, he clenched his teeth in irritation every time he saw him. But even with things as they were and the oppressive tension between them, for some reason Pei Xiu took it for granted that he would be hugged goodbye.
He froze for a few seconds in anticipation, but Pei Ming didn’t budge.
For some reason, Pei Xiu couldn’t bring himself to take a couple of steps forward and hug him himself. He wasn’t afraid that the general would angrily slap him again for it, but he was afraid that something inside him—something that had miraculously managed to survive intact and unharmed until that moment—would break if Pei Ming pushed him away when he tried to hug him.
In the end, unable to bring himself to steal one last touch or even glance at him one last time, Pei Xiu silently turned and walked toward the escorts who were supposed to help him get down to the ground.
He had been tormented many times before by the thought that his very existence was a torture to his loved ones, and at that moment, those thoughts were stronger than ever. His enlistment in the army had led to his parents’ deaths; his convictions had led Ban Yue to a terrible death; his actions had led to the pain he saw in Pei Ming’s eyes.
Perhaps it would have been better for Pei Ming if this had truly been their last meeting.