Chapter Text
From the earliest moments Ivan could remember, he had always been alone.
It started in the underground parts of his home city, Vivinos. His everyday consisted of walking his malnourished toddler form about, trying to find new tacts to gain the kindness of others roaming. Days would blend into nights and his only constant would be the aching of his stomach. He’d fall asleep underneath the bedding of the stars and awake to a smoke ridden sky with stars none the wiser.
That wasn't to say Ivan had absolutely no recollection of the first 6 years of his life. The earliest memory he recalls is a blurry one, with a haggard lady of jet black hair looking down on him that one could only assume to be his mother. He had to have been small enough that she could hold him in her arms, and to this day he remembers her words smothered with sirens.
“Be like a star Ivan, and never let the world blot you out.”
Though the rest of his memories were swarmed with the sound of too loud vehicles and too damp alleys, Ivan always knew that his mother loved him. That was why he never could quite fathom why she set him down one day and never came back.
…
The next time Ivan got a good look at the stars was when he was being dangled off a ledge. It had been an unpleasant day, as the rain washed away any traces of venders that could perhaps take pity and sneak him the ends of their stale bread. He had found himself climbing the fire escape of an old building, too young to know the meaning the glowing sign on the building that read as Unsha Corps. Perhaps if he had known this he wouldn’t have climbed up, but then again, he wouldn’t be where he was now if not. The man had to have been in his mid thirties, and was flanked with enough bodyguards all clad in fancy attire that Ivan knew he made a mistake. He did what any smart person of seven years would do and ran, precisely why he found himself looking up at the stars, awaiting his inevitable fate.
Yet, the stern faced man only simply asked, “What is your name, boy”, his expression telling that he didn’t have time for the liked of him.
“Ivan” he replied, giving this man the only thing his mother left him, that at the very least maybe it would mean something to him if morals failed. Something that was becoming increasingly more likely by the second.
Perhaps unfortunately, Ivan felt the grip on his worn rag of a shirt loosen and kept his gaze to the sky. Maybe it was the bite of the rain that had numbed his pale complexion, but Ivan didn’t fear death in that moment. Perhaps that would have been it if the man didn't finally pick up his buzzingly angry cell phone.
“What is it, darling?” His tone softening into something more private, more intimate
Maybe if it was any other circumstance that didn’t involve his death, Ivan would laugh at the sheer absurdity of this moment. He listened half heartedly at a female voice on the phone, and, by the way the man was speaking to her, probably his wife. Much to Ivan’s disappointment, he didn't end up joining the stars that night and instead found himself being carelessly dropped back onto solid ground with a sigh, and into a sleek rumbling vehicle flanked by this strange man’s men.
He watched as the polluted grey sky filled with ratty buildings and cloaked figures turned to a clear sky of a color he hadn't seen in all his years and the buildings to tall white ones. He didn’t fight it as he was instructed to exit the vehicle and leave his old life behind in exchange for this new cold one. Ivan was very confused, but strangely awake for this time of night as he met Unsha’s wife, Una. Apparently her new infatuation for all tiny beings was the sole reason for his saving. And maybe for that fact only. he felt eternally grateful. He was to live here, he managed to gather as she cooed, much to Unsha’s dismay. It seemed like the man had a sweet spot for her, to which Ivan couldn't complain. He found himself wandering the halls, observing his newfound surroundings.
Out of the corner of his eye, Ivan spotted a girl of ink. Her hair was jet black like his, but her eyes seemed like an endless spiral of something more alive than the dullness of him. A girl with a purpose, he thought. Consider him intrigued. As the girl tried to duck out of sight, Ivan lurched forward and tugged on her soft white dress. She startled, and both children found themselves on the cool marble floor. One born from rags, the other from riches.
Ivan studied the girl, the way her eyes darted to make sure they were away from the prying eyes of their guardians. And she studied him, with his eyes blinking red but concerningly unfazed given his situation. She appeared to be around his age, and her calculating nature made him feel surprisingly at ease. She certainly wouldn't be holding him over a roof anytime soon. At that realization Ivan smiled at her, and in response the girl gave him a strange look.
“..lets get you cleaned up.” was all she said, in that quiet voice of hers, and Ivan trailed after the girl to her bedroom.
As they sat atop the softest bed Ivan had ever had the pleasure of touching, Ivan learned that the girls name was Sua. She was a year older than him, and was to be his sister. Sua didn’t deign to speak to him much, but Ivan found himself at ease in the silence.
The next three years of Ivan’s life passed much more comfortably than the prior. He was presented as Unsha’s charity case of such, and was often made to be paraded around lavish gatherings in luxurious ballrooms. It was in those moments that Ivan felt the false security, the mock due diligence from his “father”. Being a boy of only ten years, Ivan knew his place in this world crafted for him. To be Unsha’s puppet of sorts. Ivan decided that just because he wasn’t a star as his mother had wished, doesn’t mean he’d let himself be trampled on just as easily. Ivan decided it was the best way to follow his mother’s wishes, and didn’t quite mind a life as simple as this. He could tolerate it.
Though, whenever Ivan was able to catch a glimpse of the outside, despite these smoke free skies, he thought of how the stars looked dulled.
…
In all due time, life wouldn’t let him off so easily and soon he left the clutches of private tutors to join a real school. It had taken Ivan time to catch up to the other educated children his age, but Ivan has always been well versed in the art of mimicry, perhaps it was a trade from his time on the streets.
It was on his way to his first class, after a strict warning from Sua to “dial down his creepiness if he wanted to fit in” that Ivan found himself on the floor surrounded in a pile of scribble drawings he met the most important being in his life.
“Watch it, stupid” the silver haired boy said in a jumbled rush of outrage, as he snatched his drawings from Ivan’s clutches. His small form moved with such intensity, trying to get his hastily made artwork back. A boy with a purpose, Ivan thought to himself.
Ivan watched the boy as a new feeling swirled in his chest. He was mesmerized in an instant by his electric teal eyes. This boy was the brightest star someone like Ivan would ever witness, he decided then.
Noticing the taller’s intense awe, the silver haired boy seemed to gather his stuff quickly before shooting Ivan the odd look he had grown accustomed to, and walked away in a hurry.
…
Ivan would stare at Till whenever he had the chance, noticing the way he tapped his pencil rhythmically in concentration, or draw others in their classes when he thought no one was looking. He looked so full of life, Ivan thought. He wondered if Till ever drew him too.
Ivan started a new routine of following the boy, whom he had learned was called Till. It was all Till could do, which wasn’t a lot, as the two shared most of their classes together, to avoid Ivan. It started simple, Ivan would take Till’s discarded artworks out of the trash, and hand them back to him with careful, almost gentle hands.
“You shouldn’t discard things so easily, Till” Ivan would say
Till would take one look at the raven’s too-happy-to-be-sane expression and push him off his chair. Something about his selectively open nature unsettled the silver haired boy. Till had never been good at channeling his emotions, and something about Ivan’s personality made him too hard to read for Till’s ten year old liking.
…
Ivan would ride home with Sua to an empty large house, and contemplate all the ways he could make Till smile. One day, when Ivan and Sua were lounging in the same room as they seldom did, Sua decided to break their once comfortable silence,
“Ivan.. are you and Till friends?” She inquired, her expression told him that she was searching for some type of response, a thing he had never been good at providing.
“..I’d want to be.” Ivan decided on slowly, after much deliberation
She seemed to contemplate this, “..You see me and Mizi are..friends because we both feel that way. But have you considered if Till..” she screwed her face up in a way that struck Ivan as odd, “wants to be you’re friend?”
Ivan swallowed, clearing the lump in his throat he didn’t know had formed, “I’ll stay with him even if he doesn’t want me.” Ivan declared, though his voice came out smaller than he had meant it to
Ivan was used to people not wanting him, but it wasn’t as if Till hated Ivan’s presence..right?
Though, not wanting to give Till a reason to hate him, payed Sua’s lesson of sorts some mind. Afterall, despite her quiet nature, the girl was rarely wrong about things.
…
He stopped waiting for Till to walk to every class, and even let his drawings sit sadly at the bottom of the recycling bin. The boy found his days more dull without Till, which was only natural, but that was how he found himself wandering the halls during lunch.
“Hey, idiot..!” Ivan turned around to see an annoyed Till huffing after him like he had been running. Despite his promise to himself to be less intrusive, Ivan couldn’t help the small smile that lit on his face upon seeing Till. Though, Ivan was surprised by his sudden need to seek out Ivan after not being in contact for days.
“..You don’t need to be sad.” Till said, pointing an accusatory finger towards the raven despite his comforting words. Suddenly, a carton of strawberry milk was thrust in Ivan’s face.
“I got it for you” Till said, voice wavering like he was suddenly shy.
“For..me? Ivan wondered aloud, slightly unbelieving. How out of character, thought Ivan.
Till just heaved a sigh as he seemed to do frequently lately, “Yeah, yeah.. Come on-lunch is almost over” And with that Till tossed a half smile, proud of his efforts, and took the hand of a dazed Ivan.
As so, their middle school years were passed with shared strawberry milk and the occasional fist fight.
…
Ivan and Till formed an unlikely but close kinship. Ivan would run to Till’s house when Una’s guests got too much, and Ivan would always find ways to make Till laugh when his night-terrors seemed to piled up.
Though Ivan was truly grateful for the way Till’s mother, who insisted he call her Io, treated the raven like her own, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for invading as often as he did. Still, many nights he found himself snuggled asleep on Till’s cramped bed, staring up at his glow in the dark stars and thinking that he could get used to this.
…
Ivan gradually grew into his long limbs with time, and started pursuing football after his father insisted on it. He became the quarterback for the Anakat team and once again found himself surrounded by faces who only wanted to bask in his presence for the novelty of it. Just as naturally, Till developed a deep rooted crush on the face of his sister’s now clearly obvious attraction, Mizi.
Despite his new found popularity, Ivan still made sure to stick by Till’s side. Till had grown into the somewhat opposite part of highschool popularity, choosing to dressin dark colors, favoring the corners of the classroom while Ivan was surrounded in the center. Ivan wouldn’t strike it as odd, if not for the whispers he’d heard about those who dress differently from the norm, and the slurs his teammates labeled them with like candy. It always saddened Ivan, but for now it hadn’t seemed like something that would become a problem for Till.
The adjustment to his social life was a sudden one, and something Sua seemed all too surprised by. In middle school Ivan was used to being labeled as the weird kid, often the last to be picked for dodge ball. It was no surprise to him, given his aloof personality that made it hard for anyone to get close to him with.
As it turned out, since his promotion to the world of sports, things like personality played little role in his popularity. As long as Ivan could nod along and reply with a remark along the lines of what they expected, no one so much as blinked twice at him.
Much to Ivan’s dismay, as both he and even Till started to branch out more, they formed a sort of group of friends that consisted of the two of them, Sua, Mizi, Hyunwoo, his twin Hyuna, and her weird boyfriend Luka. Ivan was now subject to watching Till make heart eyes at the pink haired lesbian while his sister scoffed quietly from the corner. Though he did feel slightly bad for not pointing out the situation to till, it wasn’t as if he had the heart to expose his sister. It truly just wasn’t his place. To distract himself Ivan ended up making idle small talk about football with Hyunwoo, who was tolerable at best in comparison to the others on their team.
Ivan and Mizi also grew closer as she appeared at Unsha’s mansion more often with Sua under the guise of sleepovers. Though Ivan couldn't care less about what they got up to on their own time, he found Mizi’s cheerful nature refreshing. He could see why Sua liked her.
…
All was going smoothly until he caught the two on his way to his room, the hallway blissfully dark, with Sua’s door left carelessly open. He saw the rustle of clothing riding too high and a mix of black and pink hair before quickly looking away. He shouldn’t be startled, he had known..it wasn’t like he was appalled. But still, he remembered the casual remarks made by his football teammates. The, “did you see that fag walking around in the halls like it has a place heres”. It was unnatural, after all. Yet, why did they look so right together? Ivan shook his head, slamming his bedroom door behind him as he tried to think reasonably, but found his mind frantically wandering.
It wasn’t long before he heard Sua knocking at his door hesitantly. “Ivan..it’s me”
He just breathed out sigh, not upset, just emotionally exhausted of sorts, “come in”
Sua made her way to prop herself up on the edge of the bed near him, fiddling nervously, “You see..Mizi and I-”
“I know.” Ivan cut her off softly, “I’m happy for you but..just figuring things out. ” Ivan decided on, suddenly not wanting to meet her gaze
Sua seemed to study him intently then. He tried to ignore it, but her eyes dug in to the side of his head like lasers.
“What?” he got out
“You like till.” She stated. Stated like it was a fact laid out clear to see.
At that Ivan’s vision seemed to narrow and he was taken aback, sputtering haplessly. “-What? I..no.. it’s not like that” he said insistantly looking at the floor, pointedly ignoring the burning of his ears.
For some strange reason, Ivan felt his eyes water. No, he..wasn't like that. Gods, if his teammates found out-if Unsha found out. He had just found a place he felt good at, he couldn’t loose that. Unsha would surely throw him out. After all, he had already outgrown his childlike cuteness Una had favored him for, and now he was merely a bronze trophy gathering dust now. A sitting duck.
Sua seemed to find a flicker of understanding amidst his inner panic, and opened her arms, wordless until a soft, “Ivan..” left her still Mizi-flushed lips
His body surged forward on it’s own accord, his powerful stature almost knocking her over. As wet paths burned their way down his cheeks, his head
hung low on her shoulder and he cried for the first time in his newfound life. He felt himself sinking, and all he could think was wrong..wrong..wrong. For the first time in his fifteen years, Ivan felt an intense sense of fear in his chest. And perhaps it was odd that the rush wasn't from one of his many close encounters with death, but rather the thought of being shunned from the life he had built up, but Ivan knew that he would do anything not to loose it.
…
So, instead of letting life take him by the current, he started building walls.
It started subtle. Ivan would wake up every morning just a bit earlier, and practice the dazzling smile he was sure to give many. It was the kind that easily said, ‘I’m confident, but have good reason to be.’ Then, he’d go to school a little bit earlier than he knew Toll would be in order to
avoid the butterflies that formed whenever he was around the other. He’d join in on the other jock’s laughter of their ever changing subject of amusement, and sit with the lot at lunch as well. It worked pretty well at first, Ivan was able to spend the next couple weeks under the false guise of normalcy. As if something wasn’t deeply wrong with him. Perhaps it should have been clear from the start, from when a younger version of him had been dangling over a ledge, practically at death’s door but undeterred, that he wasn’t quite right.
Still, Ivan wasn’t fully prepared to be cornered in art class, the one class he shared with the majority of his old friend circle, consisting of Mizi, Sua, and Till.The group of them stomped their way to his desk in a way that made itself known to him that they wouldn’t back off without answers.
“We need to talk-” Mizi started pleasantly, ever the peacemaker, before being cut off by an even
angrier than usual Till. At this Ivan swallowed, trying to will his eyes focus.
“You’ve clearly been trying to avoiding us, dipshit”
“Go on then” he somehow managed to get out, relieved that his voice remained calm despite his inner term oil threatening
to wreak havoc
“We’re just worried about you-” Mizi started again just as Till and Sua interjected:
“You don’t get to hide-”
“..Have you been sleeping at all?”
At Sua’s bit, the others went quiet, seemingly noticing the dark bags that had been growing under his eyes. And with it, a mind numbing headache that seemed to pulse with his ever being. Ivan blinked a couple times, trying to keep his discomfort subtle, though from the added pinch to their eyebrows, it must have failed.
“I’ve just been..busy. With football and stuff.” Ivan reasoned, though he could feel their apprehension growing.
“Bullshit!” growled Till
Ivan finally looked up from his own ruined tree sketch, and found Sua studying him in a way he’d grown overtime to fear.
“This..isn’t about me and Mizi, right, Ivan?” her tone was unsure but clipped, like she herself couldn’t believe that it was she choosing to bring up the taboo
At that, Mizi gave her lover a look that could only be described as meaningful, and the two shared an unspeakable moment. Ivan couldn’t help but feel a small pang of jealousy at that. Where their “love” seemed so pure, Ivan found himself obscure to a fault with it. After all, what he felt for Till he wasn’t sure was love, but rather maybe he was confused on what such entailed. That had to be it.
Ivan swallowed flashing them his practiced smile, “It’s not about anything, dear sister. I’ve just been having a hard time balancing everything.” It seems that what Ivan had determined to be safe words were utterly wrong, because Till chose that moment to snap at last with a rushed:
“That’s it-“
Before resolutely dragging Ivan out into the hallway. Once they were sure to be alone, he fixed him with a glare that wasn’t so much accusatory as it was hurt.
“Did all the time we spent together mean nothing to you?” he whispered strained, his ocean of eyes capturing Ivan’s void ones easily
“Till I-”
Till cut him off with a sneer, “I don't know whatever fucked up shit you’ve conjured up, but we’re you’re friends, dipshit. You don’t just get to act as if we never existed and then flash us that ugly fucking smile.” Till seemed to heave with effort from the admonishment.
Yet, Ivan just found himself just as dumbstruck by none other than his own sheer stupidity. He had thought that he was protecting all of them, Till especially from his wrongness, but truly Ivan was just watching out for himself. You could hardly blame him though, as that was what he’d been doing all his life. But as he watched the corners of Till’s eyes well up with unshed fury, Ivan realized he was nothing but selfish. Yes, Till was someone who shone bright no matter the conditions, and Ivan would be happy just to bask in it. He didn’t need anything more, if it meant Till could still be by his side. He thought back to how his days away from Till had been nothing but sheer dread as Ivan spaced out as much as possible, willing himself to be anywhere else. His nights were much worse, plagued with the darkest memories from his early upbringing, to the disappointed faces of all dear to him. The sheer irony of it all was that their expressions weren’t much different from how they appeared before him now.
Wordlessly, Ivan pulled the silver haired boy into a hug, and they eventually retreated back into the classroom.
…
Ivan promptly went back to his old routine, and found it far more pleasant than sticking with the other crowd. Life was going smoothly for Ivan, and before he knew it the majority of his days passed in a rush of newfound purpose.
Ivan, still quarterback of his football team, was making leeway as his team cleared their way through countless victories, and Till even took up teaching children’s art courses. Throughout their Junior year, Till, Hyuna, and Mizi had formed a band of sorts. Mizi on drums, Hyuna on vocals, and of course still on guitar but sometimes dabbling in vocals as well. “Alien Stage”, they called themselves, and often tried to get the rest of their group to join in. Ivan caved easily, as it meant he would get to spend more time with Till. And eventually, even Sua caved to play the keyboard, Luka on backup vocals, and Hyunwoo would help them edit promo. For a high school band that met up in Till’s garage, they did pretty well for themselves, and soon were booking gigs left and right.
Ivan could say his last year of high school was perfect. He was adored by many, well loved by a select group, and successful in all his endeavors to date. The band was hearing their hits on the local radio, he had a dozen football scholarships lined up, and his friendship with Till was more solid than ever.
He still wondered about his origins. His mother. What would have happened if Unsha has gotten his wife’s call a mere minute later. But for now, Ivan’s life remained tooth rottingly domestic, and he had finally managed to tape over once festering wounds.
Ivan would like to think that the stars were watching over him. That is, until he found himself face to face with his second mother’s corpse.