Chapter Text
Going to your new alien best friend's planet isn't easy, especially when you might die. I never wanted to tell Rocky I might succumb to illness on the way because of the lack of food. I did it anyway. And it hurt so much. At least he knows now.
But he doesn't know if me or space will kill me.
I hope it's me.
Armando is pretty good with managing sharp objects. Not because of me, specifically, it's space ship courtesy. I have my ways, though.
What do I even need the scalpels in the lab for? Performing surgery on taumoeba? I practically have no point in keeping these sharp buggers on the ship with me.
Except one.
It's pretty much routine now. Since 2 weeks ago, it's become a habit for me to cut myself. Why? Don't know, guess it helps me cope. Feels good, though, can't deny that. The last time I was doing this was when I was a tiny teenager. It's super pathetic. I can't even talk to Rocky about it. He's been working on something for so long. It's probably been, what, 2 weeks? And he's so focused on whatever he's working on that he doesn't pay attention to me. It sounds selfish, I know. But it's not easy when Rocky's the only other person on this ship and he's actively ignoring me or dismissing me. He really only pays attention to me when I have to go to sleep now. Of course he does, I just wish he did it for longer. Not just when I was sleeping. It feels like our relationship’s going downhill. I really hope it isn't. Only time will tell.
Am I doing this because of Rocky’s ignorance? Of course not!
Well, at least I don't think so.
Right?
I don't think I am.
Am I?
There's a pain in my chest that imminently grows bigger. I don't want to think about this, I have to clear my mind.
My legs automatically begin walking to the lab.
It's okay, I have a freebie. I can do it one more time today, as a treat. Right? I already have everything prepared from last time, just need to.. I have to do it again.
—
I'm a coward and I barely know what I'm doing anymore.
Zzzip.
The red pouring out is so beautiful. I love it. I love it so much. A line, filling with red, places itself upon the back of my wrist. They've been getting so much deeper recently. This time, you could see the fat layer of the skin before the blood began pouring out. I almost don't want it to start flowing, I want to see the layers of the skin up close. Examining that would be pretty cool.
But I hear Rocky's ball rolling.. And the sound is towards me. I panic. Uh oh. I really can't let him see me like this. Well, hear. I get the wipes I have prepared and quickly put them on my arm, I'll fix it later. I begin putting on my favourite sweater before Rocky rolls in, I hope he wasn't able to hear it.
“Grace okay, question? Hear leaking and tearing sounds coming from lab. Grace heart beat very fast, too.”
Walking in on me like this isn't very optimal for me to keep calm. It's not only the panic, but the fact he decided to check on me. It's been so long I almost throw up.
“I'm okay, bud. Don't worry about it!”
“Grace sure, question? I hear leak on Grace arm, but was not paying proper attention to Grace. Need to make sure.”
How the heck did I forget that if he can hear everything, he can see everything?! I'm so screwed, I debate on giving up on hiding it from him. I really have no choice. He definitely knows by now, it's just that one of us has to bring it up now. I'm so screwed.
I sigh.
“What have you been working on so intently, anyway? You keep shooing me away when I try to look. C’mon Rock, just tell me.”
I can't. Not right now. It's like I'm guilt-tripping him.
“Gift.. For Grace. I know you not feel good emotion lately. Rocky fix.”
I stare at him dumbfounded. What? Did he create a therapist?
“I will be back in short.”
Rocky finally rolls away and I breathe a sigh of relief. I can fix myself up properly. Hopefully the gift takes some time to set up… I take off my sweater… Aaand it's stained red on the inside, of course. I mean, at least Rocky can't see that. (but he can see the lines. I hope he doesn't ask about them) But I'm still annoyed. I love this sweater. I can try to scrub it off with hydrogen peroxide, not sure if it'll work, though.
I wipe up my arm and swiftly unroll some bandages to put on. I don't have all the time in the world, I still have to be quick. To be honest, I don't know why I'm rushing. He already knows.
I'm not quick enough. He walks in as before I even get the bandage out. Welp, I'm caught. He's already seen it by now anyways. Maybe he thinks it's from something else. I really hope so.
Wait.. He's not rolling in. He's… is he outside his environment??? No, that can't be true. He'd probably be dead by now. It seems like.. a xenonite suit?... It is a xenonite suit! Like the one on his ball, just.. All over. There's tiny rainbows reflecting on it. I practically freeze. Mainly because he “caught” me, but still.
“Grace wanted hug from Rocky. Real hug. I provide. Fix emotion, Grace happy happy happy.”
He wants to be happy too, but he can't ignore his confuzzlement at what I'm doing. He only knows that I'm sad, not what I'm doing.
His tone drops an octave.
“Apology for not pay attention to Grace over last 2 weeks. Grace feel sad, question?”
How does he know me so well? I rub my wrist out of instinct and it burns. I try not to flinch.
“A little, yeah. But I'm much happier now that you're paying attention to me.” I smile.
“What are new marks on Grace arm, question?”
I stay silent. Oh my God, I'd rather die than explain to him why exactly I'm cutting myself. Does he even know what I'm doing is “bad”? This is normal in Eridian culture. Rocky doesn't realise this is harming me because I'm not exactly expressing it. Maybe I can lie to him about it.
“New? Oh pal, I'm surprised you didn't ask earlier.”
“Was busy working on gift. But I can give all attention to Grace now. Is marks on arm similar to eridian carvings, question? If so, boring. Only straight lines, no shapes and figures."
I don't want to lie to him, but I don't want to confront him either. I stay silent for a few seconds before sighing. I really have no other choice, do I? If I do it again (i will), he's gonna ask again. And I can't ignore his questions. We've agreed that understanding each other is more important than cultural discomfort.
“I need to explain something to you. Human related.”
“Is what, question?”
I stay silent for a second, the only sound that is heard is the ship’s engines. I regret even bringing it up. Why'd I do that? I need to start thinking before I talk more.
“Sometimes when people get very upset, depending on their mental state, they start harming themselves. There's lots of ways people do it… And they do it because it releases endorphins. The physical pain pretty much cancels out the mental pain, even if only for a bit… You know I'm not exactly stable mentally, either. I might've started doing that too. “ I pause.
“I didn't start now, really. But that's something else to unpack. It's called ‘self-harm’.”
Rocky stays quiet for almost a minute, he probably needs to think. To digest it.
“Understand… Grace harm self because sad, question?”
A sigh slips out of my mouth.
“Yeah, man, I guess.. Not great.”
“And Grace sad because of me, question?”
“I mean, a little.”
A little is definitely an understatement.
“Grace...”
He still needs a bit to even process this. The tone of his notes lower dramatically, especially when saying my name. Oh my god why did I tell him. It's hard on him because Rocky didn't think I was doing anything bad. Eridians carve things into themselves all the time. Maybe he assumed I didn't tell him we do that too. Well, technically… It's not that far from the truth. Just not as socially accepted or normal, at all.
Before I'm able to get another word out, he walks up so close to me and puts a hand on my hand. It… It feels so warm. My arm is basically bleeding out, but I can't bring myself to care about that right now. Tears well up in my eyes.
“Apology, apology, apology. I make Grace feel sad and Grace harm himself. Even now, Grace leak… Don't hate Rocky, please. I work on xenonite suit for very long time for Grace, hope outcome would be good good good. In the end, bad bad bad. Apology, apology, apology.”
His music is still very low, with his carapace slumped down as he sings all this. He feels bad, I think. My throat closes up, I don't even know what to say. And my eyes are, quote, “leaking”. His sorrys feel so heartfelt, they are. I start sobbing before being able to say anything else. I physically can't. I stare at him while beginning to sob. Considering Rocky's hand isn't burning me to death, I decide to go in for a hug.
Oh my God.
He's only rock and it still feels way too real. It feels warm. That's the worst part. I don't want to spread my tears on his suit, but I can't help it. I'm just sobbing on the floor, hugging Rocky. My Rocky. Gosh, it feels so good. To actually hug him and feel him, not just his xenonite wall. it's like plastic. All of the weight in my chest subsides as i take in the warmth of Rocky’s “skin”.
“Grace sad sad sad and leak because of me, question?”
“I mean yeah, but.. No, no Rock. Not anymore. I'm.. really happy now, actually.” I say.
“I love you, Rocky. Just.. Thank you. This is all I've ever asked for. I don't care that you made me sad these last 2 weeks. It was only for a bit, right? The scars will heal in time. It doesn't matter. Only this matters to me right now.”
I hug him even tighter. I'm so glad he's made of rock, I can squeeze my dear precious Rocky as hard as I want. Because we're finally face-to-face, like, actually. And it makes me so happy. Happy happy happy. I continue crying.
“These are.. Sniff.. happy tears, by the way.”
“I know. Squeeze Rocky comfortable for Grace, question?”
“Yeah.. Sob.. So comfortable… So cute… So warm…Mnhm…”
I'm babbling at this point. Not sure if that's exactly great, but it feels too nice for me to care right now. Rocky wraps two of his arms around me and one tugs gently at my hair. So warm… So adorable… My chest feels like it's about to explode. I'm not sure whether it's physically or mentally because of Rocky. Probably both. Either way, I don't mind. I love it. God, someone hasn't touched me like this in a long time. The last real hug I got was probably when I was a kid. That's miserable. But that's what you get for being a loner, I guess.
—
Sitting there for a long time, hugging your alien best friend and feeling him run his claws through your hair feels erratic. I feel every emotion I've ever had. I finally feel truly whole for the first time since I got on this ship. All I can hope is that it gets better. It will, as long as Rocky is here with me.
“Grace feel better now, question?”
I nod. “Yeah, lots better… Thanks, bud. This feels way too good. Gosh, is this even real?” I snicker.
“Yes, real. Grace very real and very loved. I love Grace. Suit not only gift for you, for me too. Grace warm and soft leaky space blob. I like. Could hug Grace all day, no mind.”
Rocky's notes are way higher than usual. I can tell he really does like it. That he's not lying.
I might start sobbing again. Is he purposefully trying to make me feel better? Because it's working. He's an alien, yet he knows how to comfort me better than any person ever did.
“Love ya too, Rock..” I tighten my once loosened grip around him.
But Rocky's tone lowers slightly.
“Grace want to talk about arm, question? Okay if not. No force.”
“You know, I think I said enough. Unless you.. you have any concerns about it, of course.”
“Well… Want to tell Grace something.”
“I'm all ears, bud.”
“I thought you were practiced make eridian marks, thought it was surprise for Rocky. I didn't think Grace was doing bad bad bad to himself. I didn't correlate marks with sad emotion, thought it was good… Rocky feel dumb now.”
I'm shocked to hear that. He thought it was a good thing? Man, continuing doesn't sound like a bad idea now… But if Rocky wants me to stop, I will. I'll try. He didn't say that, though. I'm in the clear for now.
“Honestly... Figured you'd think that. I didn't really think about how that would affect you until I explained. It's fine, really. You didn't know, don't feel dumb. Human and Eridian culture is very different, yet similar. So… yeah. I get why you'd think that.”
“If want to do this again, talk to Rocky. I no want Grace to hurt himself, bad bad bad. I will give Grace hug, words of comfort.”
I smile and almost die.
“Thank you, Rock.. Truly. I appreciate it.”
Tears well up in my eyes once again. He cares way too much about me, it feels so weird and good at the same time.
Rocky notices me beginning to cry again and panics a little, his legs straightening and pushing his carapace against my arms.
“Grace sad, question? Concern. Grace leaks too much, can't tell if happy or sad leak.”
“It's a happy leak.” I want to suppress the urge to give him a kiss on the top of his carapace, what would usually be his forehead. I won't suppress it. I lift my head and I press a gentle kiss to the top of his head. He seems confused, despite his vents producing seemingly gibberish eridian. Which usually means he's enjoying it.
“What is that, Grace, question?”
“A kiss. I've explained this to you before, there's no way you-”
“No, I know what “Kiss” is. Grace arm leaking. Too much.”
I genuinely forgot I didn't wrap my arm up at all before cuddling with Rocky. I'm an idiot. And I'm just now realising I'm beginning to feel faint. I look down and there's a giant pool of blood sitting next to him. Worst part is, it's pouring off of him. That's so gross, gosh… I immediately try to pull away from Rocky, but his hands are still wrapped around me. I couldn't get Rocky off of me even if I begged unless he wanted to.
“..I forgot I was still bleeding.”
“Why human brain so useless? Can't detect blood loss…”
“No, you distracted me, pal. Now you're gonna clean it up.”
“Disgust… No thank.”
“Sigh.. Fine.” I try to stand up again, but he just won't let me.
“Are you gonna let go any time soon?”
“Hm… No.”
“But I'm bleeding out.”
“Grace already have bandage on arm. Fix it proper way, not lazy way.”
“Humans have to disinfect wounds, Rocky. If I don't, I'll go whomp.” I stick my tongue out and play dead in the worst way possible.
“Human body can't disinfect self… Rocky should make eridian body for Grace. Grace move in, all is well.”
I giggle at that thought.
“Sure, buddy. I'll be dead by the time you invent the technology.”
Silence.
Should I have not said that?
“If joke, not funny, statement.”
“..Sorry, bud.”
Rocky finally lets me go, it feels cold not having me around him now.
“I want to watch how Grace take care of wounds. I learn and take care of Grace next time happens.”
“Okay. I'm alright with that.”
Rocky stands right next to me, even though he doesn't have to. He can see (hear? I'm still confused on what to call it) what I'm doing from further away, he just doesn't wanna. I assume it's a clearer image from closer. I get it.
“First, I have to clean it. Basically wiping any excess blood off and then disinfecting the wounds.”
He looks like he's listening intently. It's really cute, actually. I love teaching him new stuff about humans.
First, I get the previous bandage off and I wipe and soak the remaining blood off my arm before I do anything else. I'll clean up the floor (and Rocky) after I'm done with this. Next, is the unpleasant part. I take the disinfectant and pour some onto a paper towel, then I dab it on the wound. A few whimpers slip out of my mouth.
“Ow, ow ow ow… It stings.”
“Grace okay, question?” There's a hint of concern in his notes.
“Y-yup… Just a bit unpleasant, but I'll be fine.”
I take it off after a few seconds and discard the tissue. After a bit of unsuccessful taping attempts, I'm finally done.
“So… That's how it's done.”
“Understand. Rocky help Grace next time.”
“..Yeah!”
I get even more tissues to get the copious amounts of blood off of Rocky and the ground. Jeez Louise, I'm not sure how I didn't pass out. I only feel dizzy.
As I wipe the blood off of Rocky’s suit, It feels like I'm petting him. And it's not a bad sensation. Rocky tilts his carapace to the side, signalling he's happy.