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Dancing wasn’t just a form of entertainment. It was way more than that to Laslow. It was a form of expression. It was a way to spread joy. It was her way of being close to her mom. Both versions of her were far, far away from her now. Too far to reach for now, possibly ever again. She had to keep her in her heart, at least in some way.
Her mom Olivia was a very special woman. She taught her all about dancing, despite her being a boy. At least, she was sometimes. When Laslow realized she had moments where she was a girl, her Mom was nothing but accepting. She’d fight against anyone who gave her heat for it, despite how soft spoken she was. If there was anything that got her angry, it was messing with her kid.
Thanks to that, she knew both male and female dances. Sometimes she’d combine them, which really got her audience invested. She could only really do it when she was femme presenting admittedly, and only with certain people even then. It saddened her she couldn’t show the world both parts of herself simultaneously, but it was what it was.
Not even her closest friends and confidants were aware of her double life. She was currently out and about in a cafe bathroom. Most just thought she was the flirty man who loved women. While that was at least partially true, she did love women, she wished she could love women as a woman. At least, when she was feeling like one.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom. It was fun to see multiple sides of life. She’d light up not just when called a man, but also when called a woman. She got to try out masculine outfits, and more feminine clothing. It wasn’t so much the idea of being both a man and a woman that was problematic for her. It was how others would hypothetically treat her.
She was a royal retainer, to the crown prince. How could she come out with that in mind? She’d be banished at best, killed or imprisoned at worst. It’d also reflect badly on Xander, someone who meant the world to her. Laslow couldn’t risk losing everything. That wasn’t even getting into their mission, she couldn’t fail Anankos over her personal baggage. She, Selena, and Odin still had to find a way to save this world.
Laslow squeezed the hem of her dress. She had to tell the shop keep she bought it from that it was for a date of her’s. She just wanted to feel pretty, a feeling she didn’t get often. Laslow took a deep breath to pull herself together. She had to stay smiling. She applied a little more make up and looked at herself in the mirror. She wished she could get Peri’s input, but this had to stay her little secret.
She smiled, upon seeing how she looked. The make up was deep enough to where she wouldn’t be recognized at least. She’d been doing better with her voice too. No one was going to know she was Laslow, the royal retainer. Considering she didn’t talk to anyone about this, she didn’t really need to give her name to people.
It helped that she was pretty far from the barracks. The army didn’t come around here, so she was pretty sure she was safe. She had to admit, sometimes she sympathized with the girls she flirted with. Some people saw a woman on her own and thought that meant she wanted to be talked to. To be fair, Laslow had tried to be more conscious of that now, and did her best not to go too far.
She put her make up back into her purse. After checking that everything was in order, she walked out of the bathroom. Now that she made sure she was looking the part, it was time to order some tea. She’d never brought a girl here on a date, though if she was dressed up she’d consider it. She just had to make sure Male Laslow and Female Laslow had no overlap in where they showed up. She’d never been here without her dresses and make up.
She found a table and took a seat. Hopefully she wouldn’t be waiting too long. Even if she kept her lives separate, there was a non zero chance someone could show up. Especially given that Hoshido had ninja spies. For all she knew, she wasn’t completely safe even in Nohr. She didn’t want to be paranoid, but she had to remain alert.
She supposed that was just how life was for people like her. This was the life Laslow accepted when she decided not to run away from herself. There were probably others like her in the world, but she hadn’t met any. It made things oh so lonely, but she had to deal with that if it meant getting what she wanted. She couldn’t suppress half of her heart. All her flirting was about getting past her shyness. Laslow had to view this as another method.
“Pardon ma’am. Are you ready to order?”
Laslow looked up at the waiter with a huge smile. She loved being called that when she was dressed up. It was always nice when she could smile from the bottom of her soul. When the smiles weren’t fake. Granted, fake smiles were getting rarer and rarer as she got older, thankfully, but still.
“Yes. I’d just like some tea, as usual.” She said as she placed her hands in her lap.
“Coming right up!”
The waiter walked off as Laslow looked around the room. As expected, no familiar faces. She crossed her legs while she waited. The smell of various sweets and drinks were spread throughout the room. Sometimes she considered trying something else, but tea was just so comforting to her. It reminded Laslow of all the dates she’s been on. Both good and bad admittedly, but still. She’s had some good times with the ladies, even if admittedly it’s been more so been when she’s dressed up.
“Come on Xander! Hurry up!”
“I’m coming Elise.” A familiar voice said, sounding amused.
Laslow swore she felt her heart stop. Illness over took her, forcing onto her a desire to wretch. What were they doing here? Lady Elise and Lord Xander had just entered the cafe, they were going to find her here and she’d be in huge trouble. Even though they weren’t wearing their usual clothes, she’d recognize her lieges anywhere. She took a deep breath to ground herself. Laslow needed to keep her cool. They didn’t know it was her yet. She just had to sneak out before they noticed.
Getting up too fast would just draw attention to herself. For the time being she needed to stay in place. No one was going to say her name. She was wearing a wig, so it wasn’t not like she looked the same from the back. She’d be fine, she’d be fine.
“What a nice cafe…” Xander mused.
“I know right? Told you this would be a great spot to rest!” Elise exclaimed.
“We can’t stay too long though. There’s much to be done.”
“Oh come on Xander! Loosen up! You know Leo and Camilla have that under control! We have all the time in the world!”
“Hm. I suppose you do have a point.” Xander relented. “I should learn to have trust in you all.”
“Darn straight!”
Laslow put her head down. They were coming closer. As long as she didn’t open her mouth, they wouldn’t see her as any different from any of the other patrons. The waiter came closer just as Xander and Elise walked by. He placed the drink down on the table.
“Enjoy!”
Laslow nodded and reached for her drink. She couldn’t smile, not even a fake one. She felt bad, but she had to do what she had to do. She took a sip of it, delicious as always. The heat sliding down her throat did help her feel a bit better. Elise and Xander walked up to the counter. It seemed she had just found her best chance to escape. She reached into her purse and placed some gold on the table. Now all she had to do was get out.
She pushed her chair back and stood up. Laslow wanted to run so badly, but she couldn’t bring any attention to herself. She slowly made her way to the door. She was nearly there, she was starting to sweat. She put her hand on the door-
“Hey!” Elise called.
“Elise, don’t be rude…” Xander reprimanded.
Elise ran up to her, with Xander close behind. She started pulling on Laslow, and she had to fight the urge to snatch it away and flee. They wouldn’t know it was her, but something still told her that was a bad idea. She’d been raised too well. She cleared her throat, and didn’t turn around.
“Y-yes?” She answered.
“I love your purse!” Elise exclaimed. “It’s so sparkly and cute! Oh, and your outfit in general is really nice! It’s so pretty and flattering! You look great!”
“Oh… thank you.” Laslow said with a blush.
“Can I see your face? I bet it’s just as gorgeous!”
“Now now, let’s leave this young woman alone.” Xander said. “She seems that she has somewhere to be.”
“Oh, sorry. Thanks for talking to us pretty lady!” Elise exclaimed as she ran back to the counter.
Laslow exhaled a sigh of relief. Before she could leave though, she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“May we talk outside?”
She froze. She couldn’t say no, especially not to her lord. Nor could she come up with a good way of getting the hell out of there. She wracked her brain for a response, but nothing came up. Like a blank canvas, there was nothing.
“You’re not in trouble. Please, I just wish to talk.”
Laslow swallowed. “Y-yes.”
The retainer and crown prince stepped outside the cafe. She could feel the tears already welling up. Laslow didn’t want to lose everything. She had already adjusted to this unfamiliar world, having been here for so long, but she wished she could’ve at least talked to her Mother one last time. Then again, he said she wasn’t in trouble. Judging by his tone of voice, he didn’t seem angry. And she knew what angry Xander sounded like.
“May I ask what’s going on Laslow? If I didn’t know any better, I’d ask if this was a ploy to get more women on dates, but that feels a bit deceitful for your standards.”
“…I… Well…”
“Laslow, peace. Once more, I’m not upset, I’m just confused. I don’t know how long I have until Elise realizes I’m gone."
She balled her fists. She felt her dam about to burst. She didn’t want to look so shameful in front of him, but she didn’t think she could hold it in much longer. She started sniffling.
“I- I think I- I’m a girl- b-but I’m also a boy- it does- it doesn’t make sense, I know. I-I didn’t want you to fin- find out. I-I’m sorry.” She said blubbering through her words. She wished she could explain it better, but she was trying incredibly hard to maintain some sort of coherence.
Xander folded his arms and nodded. “I… don’t think I get it. We can talk more later, but if I may ask a few quick questions. Does this bring you joy?”
Laslow paused before nodding.
“Is anyone being hurt?”
Laslow shook her head.
“Okay. That’s all that matters to me. Just be careful. I support you in this endeavor. My only concern is that, I do not wish to see you hurt. I know there are people in this world who’d want to bring you harm for this. Know that I am not among them.”
Laslow swallowed the lump in her throat before she nodded once again. “I… Lord Xander… T-thank you.”
He smiled. “Please, a beautiful woman like you should not stain your face with tears. I am as ever, in your corner. If anyone tries to bring harm to you over this, I beg you. Let me know. I will handle it. I know all of our friends feel the same.”
“You think that… they wouldn’t be angry with me?” She said with another sniffle.
“Indeed. Now, I must be going. I hope you’ll be able to explore this side of yourself with more comfort now. I doubt this is the first time you’ve done this, and I pray it won’t be the last. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. It is your decision and yours alone who to disclose this side of yourself to.”
With that, Xander walked back into the cafe. Laslow needed to find somewhere to break down before she headed home. It was nice to not have to keep this to herself. Selena… Odin… maybe even they would be accepting of her. She started to walk away, before stopping in her tracks.
Her face reddened drastically. She covered her face and had to suppress a squeal. That didn’t just happen did it? Did she hear him properly?
“Did… he call me beautiful?”