Archive of Our Own

M

Bdubs were lying back dramatically on one of the large sofas in the common room, throwing a tennis ball up and down absentmindedly.

Lizzie was in deep conversation about some new video game with Joel, who was given visitor privileges along side Hermes. Who was on the floor playing with some toy trucks next to them.

Martyn was off somewhere, doing whatever he does. And Gem was in her dormitory, doing what she does.

“Psst, Hermes…” Whispers Bdubs, who suddenly sat upright.

Hermes face turned towards his, their bunny ears of their hat flopping as they did so.

“Would you like some chocolate milk?- I think we have some in the fridge!,”Asked Bdubs.

Hermes started to nod violently, a wide grin on their face spread as they did so.

“Alright, un minuto!”

Bdubs stood up but before he could reach the fridge, a hand grabbed the back of his shirt.

Bdubs turned around.

There Grian stood, expression completely serious. He was wearing his his red jacket, which had holes cut out of the back, allowing his wings to be visible. He wore almost the same coloured red plaid bottoms with plain white slippers. HE had his glasses at an angle.

"Kitchen. Now."

Bdubs gasped dramatically.

"Oh my gods."

"The kitchen. Now." Grian said again now sounding much lighter.

"Oh my gods."

"Bdubs."

"Oh my gods."

Grian pointed.

"SPARK AND SHERIFF." Grian said far too loudly.

Hermes looked up from the floor.

"Who's Spark?" They asked quickly.

"Nobody!" Lizzie and Joel answered immediately.

Hermes narrowed their eyes. Suspicious much. Meanwhile Grian had already disappeared towards the kitchen leaving Bdubs practically sprinting after him.

The second he got close enough, Grian rounded on him.

"YOU SAW IT TOO." He basically screamed.

"I SAW IT."

"I KNEW I SAW IT."

"THAT WASN'T NORMAL."

"It was NOT normal!"

They stood there for a moment, pointing aggressively at each other it was the kind of conversation only two sleep-deprived heroes could have.

Bdubs grabbed a carton of chocolate milk from the fridge.

"Did you see the sleeve thing?"

"The sleeve thing?" Grian asked.

"The sleeve thing."

Grian slapped the counter.

"OH THE SLEEVE THING."

Bdubs nearly dropped the milk.

"RIGHT?"

"RIGHT."

They stared at each other again.

Because they both knew exactly what they meant.

Spark grabbing Sheriff's sleeve.
Not his arm.

Not his shoulder.
His sleeve!!!!!!
Like it was automatic.
Like he'd done it a thousand times before.

Grian leaned onto the counter.

"I'm telling you right now."

Then Grian finger gunned him.

"No."

"They're absolutely-“
"NO."

"-together."
Bdubs clutched his chest.

"You can't just accuse people like that."

Grian looked unimpressed.

"Bdubs."

"What?"

"Spark literally leaned into him."

"Maybe he was injured." He said, basically making up excuses to annoy Grian.

"He was."

"See?"

"Bdubs."

"What?"

"Sheriff wrapped an entire wing around him."

Bdubs opened his mouth.
Then closed it.
Then opened it again.

"...maybe he was cold?."

"It was twenty-three degrees."

"Maybe he's emotionally cold?"

“He’s literally a blaze hybrid.”

Grian looked like he regretted being friends with him.

Then suddenly both of them started laughing.

"Oh my gods," Grian wheezed, rubbing at his face. "Did you hear Null?"

Bdubs immediately lost it.

"YOU WERE THERE."

"'Shut up you two lovebirds!'"

They both collapsed against the counters laughing.

Because honestly ?

Null hadn't sounded annoyed. He'd sounded entirely exhausted almost as if this was a recurring issue.

Like he'd said that exact sentence before.
Multiple times.

"Wait."

Grian slowly straightened.

"Oh no."

"What?"

"What if everybody knows?"

Bdubs froze.
The realization hit them both simultaneously.

Null knew.

The Kingdom definitely knew. The Rejects probably knew.Sheriff and Spark clearly knew. Which meant-

"We're the last people to figure it out."

The two heroes looked horrified.

Their entire ‘reputations as professional gossips’ had just taken a devastating blow.

"This is awful."

"This is career-ending."

"What if Scar already knows?"

Grian gasped.
"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"YES."

“Scar knows what?”

Both heroes jumped.

Scar lightly twisted his head to the side .
"What are you two hiding?"

Silence.

Grian and Bdubs slowly looked at each other.

Then back at Scar, he was wearing a white vest top along side some bluey green pyjama shorts, with, identical to Grian’s, slippers. On his left side, he lent against one of the counters.

Scar narrowed his eyes.

"...Why do you both look like you've discovered government secrets?"

"Question," Bdubs said immediately.

Scar sighed, great..That was never a good start.

"Sure."

"Spark and Sheriff."

Scar froze.

For approximately half a second.
Then immediately turned around.

"NoPE.”

"SCAR." Shouted back Grian

"Nope."

"SCAR."

The older hero continued walking away.

"You know something!"

"I know MANY things."

"You know something about THEM."

Scar pointed at them without looking back.

"Leave me out of it."

He walked over to sit over to Hermes.

Bdubs slowly turned towards Grian.

Grian slowly turned towards Bdubs.
Their eyes widened.

"Oh my gods."

"He knows."

"He totally knows."

And somewhere in the building, Scar immediately regretted ever picking Bdubs to become a hero.

Bdubse turned towards Grian.

Grian was already staring back with the exact same look on his face. The look of two men about to become significantly more annoying.

"Oh we are SO finding out what's going on."

"Oh absolutely."

"Operation Sherark Investigation."

“We’re not calling it that.”

“Awh dang..”

Grian rubbed at his face tiredly.

"You know what the worst part is?"

"What?"

"The fact Sheriff thanked you."

Bdubs froze. "...Wait."

"Exactly."

"Oh my gods."

"EXACTLY."

Sheriff didn't thank people.

Sheriff nodded, smiled or high-fived, not even acknowledging the fact he could have needed to be polite. And yet-

‘Thanks for jumping down.’
Bdubs pointed aggressively at nothing.

"That's suspicious."

"That's EXTREMELY suspicious."

"What if they're secretly nice?"

Grian looked away for Bdubs for a moment, smile fading slightly.

"Don't say things like that."

"Sorry."

The kitchen fell quiet for a moment.

Then Bdubs slowly pulled out his phone.
Grian narrowed his eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"Researching this.

"You don't know how to research."

"Gasp! Rude much.”

"It's true."

Bdubs ignored him and started typing.
Grian walked around the counter to look over his shoulder.

"What are you even searching?"

"I dunno?”

The search bar blinked.

Bdubs thought for a moment.
Then typed:

‘Sheriff Spark’

Nothing useful.
Just public reports, fight footage, news articles , some blurry photos , etc.

Grian leaned closer.

"Try Sheriff and Spark."

Bdubs did.
Still nothing.
Mostly crime reports.
Some weird forum discussions.
One titled:

‘DO YOU THINK SPARK WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT AGAINST A TRAIN???’

Which honestly, Spark would win.

Then Bdubs spotted another result. Archive Of Our Own.

He blinked.

"…… AO3?"

Grian immediately groaned.

"Oh no."

"What?"

"Oh no."

"What?"

Bdubs clicked it.

The page loaded. Then loaded some more. Then finally-

His eyes widened.

JUDAS PRIEST AND THE MANY GODS ABOVE.

Grian watched his expression slowly change.

Then immediately grabbed the phone.

"Oh you've GOT to be kidding me."
Bdubs lunged for it.

"WHAT?"

Grian looked simultaneously delighted and horrified.

"Oh my gods."

"What?!"

"There are SO MANY."

Bdubs snatched the phone back.

Then finally saw it.

A tag.

Right near the top.
Sheriff/Spark.

Then in the top fic there. ‘Ranchers Duo.’

Bdubs blinked. Once. Twice. THRICE.

"...Ranchers?"

Grian wheezed.

"RANCHERS?"

"WHY RANCHERS?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

They both immediately started scrolling.

"Oh my gods."

"What."

"Oh my gods."

"What?!"

"There are thousands."

"THOUSANDS?"

"THOUSANDS."

They stared at the screen.

Then at each other. Then back at the screen.

The public didn't know villains' identities. Nobody knew where they lived. Nobody knew half their actual names. And yet apparently, people had enough time to invent relationship lore?? Gosh they need to get a life.

Bdubs clicked one.

Grian immediately slapped the phone downward.

"NO."

"WHY?"

"I am NOT reading villain romance fanfiction in your lot’s kitchen."

"Why not?"

"Because that's how curses happen, probably,”

Bdubs looked confused.

"That's not a real thing."

"You say that now."

A pause.

"...Read me the tags.”

Bdubs gasped.

"I KNEW YOU'D CAVE." He said grinning menacingly.

"I'M CURIOUS, OKAY???”

Bdubs immediately resumed scrolling.

"'Slow burn.'"

"Okay."

"'Idiots in love.’

Grian pointed violently.

"SEE?"

"See what?"

"SEE."

"That means NOTHING."

"'Mutual pining’”

Grian collapsed onto the counter.

"Oh my gods."

"'Protective Sheriff.'"

"THAT ONE'S REAL."
"THAT ONE IS REAL."

"'Spark has abandonment issues.'"

Both heroes paused.

"…..”

"Actually that one might just be true."

"Yeah."

Bdubs kept scrolling.
Then suddenly froze.

"Oh."
"What?"
"Oh no."
"What?"

He turned the phone around.

Grian read the tag.

Then immediately started laughing. Hard.

So hard he nearly fell over.

Bdubs wasn't far behind.

Because written right there was:
Null is tired of their bullshit.

"Oh THAT'S REAL."

"THAT'S SO REAL."

"THAT'S THE REALEST ONE."

They both dissolved into laughter again.
Across the common room, Lizzie slowly looked up.

"Why are they screaming?"

Joel didn't even glance over.

"They're gossiping." Answers Scar, who was now playing Dinosaurs vs robots with Hermes.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Fairs”

Back in the kitchen, Bdubs wiped tears from his eyes.

"This is the greatest discovery of my life."

Grian nodded solemnly.

"The public may not know."

"But somehow."

"They KNOW."
Bdubs looked back at the screen.
Hundreds.

Maybe thousands.

Entire stories. Entire theories. Entire analyses. One was literally called:

Five Times Sheriff Saved Spark And One Time Spark Saved Him.

Bdubs nearly choked.

"THEY NOTICED."

"EVERYONE NOTICES."

"HOW DO THEY NOTICE FASTER THAN US?"

"We're idiots."

"Rude, but true.”

Then both of them went completely still.
Because suddenly-

A terrifying realization hit.

Bdubs lowered the phone.

"...Grian."

"No."

"What if there are fics about us."

Silence.

The color drained from Grian's face.

"Oh."

"Oh no."

"Oh no."

Without another word both of them immediately searched their own names.

Bdubs typed.

CuteGuy x HotGuy.

Then immediately pressed enter. Nothing happened for a moment. Then the page loaded.

Grian's soul visibly left his body. Bdubs stared. Grian stared. Bdubs scrolled.
Grian made a noise somewhere between a dying seagull and a car engine .

There were hundreds.

Not thousands.

Hundreds.

Which honestly felt worse somehow.
Because these weren't even guesses.
These people had evidence.

"Oh that's awful."
"That's REALLY awful."
Bdubs clicked one.

"'That times when CuteGuy was caught checking HotGuy out.'"

Grian buried his face in his hands.

"THAT HAPPENED."

"THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED."

Bdubs looked horrified.

"They know."

"They know."

"HOW DO THEY KNOW?"

Grian peeked through his fingers.

"Remember the fundraiser three years ago?- for the children in need?

Bdubs froze.

The fundraiser.

The one where Scar had wrapped an arm around Grian's shoulders during photos.
The one where they accidentally spent an entire interview bickering. The one where everyone kept asking if they were brothers.

"...Oh."

"Oh."

"Oh no."

“I mean… they aren’t wrong..” Grian muttered, who glanced at Scar then turned a light pink.

Bdubs scrolled further.

"Oh NO."

"What now?"

"'Established Relationship.'"

Grian looked like he was considering becoming a supervillain. (Heh)

"STOP READING THEM."

"I CAN'T."

"YOU CAN."

"I'M INVESTED NOW."

A pause.

Then Grian frowned.

"Wait."

"What?"

"Why is HotGuy first?"

Bdubs blinked.

"...What?"

"The tag says HotGuy/CuteGuy."

"So?"

"So apparently that means something."

They both stared.

Then immediately decided they did not want to know what it meant.

Moving swiftly on.

Bdubs clicked back.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"No more hero ships."

"No more hero ships."

Five seconds later.

"Let's see if Listener has any."

"BDUBS."

"WHAT?"

"You are the problem."

"Correct."

Click.

Listener.
Search.
Enter.
The page refreshed.

Then both men immediately lost it.

Because right at the top:

Monarch/Listener.

"What."

"What."

"What."

"What."

Bdubs stared at the screen.
Then looked at Grian.
Then back at the screen.
Then back at Grian.

"Since WHEN?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"THEY HATE EACH OTHER."

"They absolutely hate each other."

Bdubs clicked one.

The summary appeared.

Two idiots accidentally become friends while committing crimes and stopping them.

Grian wheezed.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN HOW THEY MET."

"HOW DID THEY MEET?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG?"

".…..”

"Exactly."

"You're becoming dangerous."

Bdubs kept scrolling.

The tags somehow made it worse.

"Enemies to Lovers."

"Accidental Dates."

"Monarch Flirts With Everybody."

The two heroes froze.

They looked at each other.

"...That one actually sounds plausible."

"That one sounds EXTREMELY plausible."
Neither of them could argue.

Monarch flirted with literally everyone. Even during fights.

Nobody knew why.

Then Bdubs spotted another tag.

His eyes widened.

"Oh."

"What?"

"Oh this is bad."

"What?"

Bdubs turned the phone around.
Grian read.

Then immediately started laughing.
Angelic & Lucifer.

"Oh no."

"YEAH."

"Oh that's terrible."

"THAT'S REALLY TERRIBLE."

Because unlike the other tags, this wasn't a relationship tag. It was worse. It was an entire category dedicated to them being complete disasters.

Bdubs clicked on it.

The summaries alone were enough.

"Lucifer loses a bet and regrets everything."

"Angelic accidentally starts a city-wide incident. Lucifer has to fix it."

Grian was already wheezing.

"THAT LAST ONE HAPPENED."

"WHICH TIME?"

"EXACTLY."

Bdubs kept scrolling.
There were pages of them.
Entire pages.

Most of them weren't even dramatic. Just increasingly ridiculous situations where Angelic caused problems and Lucifer got dragged into fixing them.

"Oh my gods."

"What now?"

Bdubs pointed at the screen.

"'Lucifer is Tired.'"

Grian laughed harder.

"THAT'S THE MOST ACCURATE THING I'VE SEEN ALL DAY."

"'Angelic Has No Survival Instincts.'"

"Also accurate."

"'Found Family.'"

"Fair enough."

"'Chaos Gremlin Angelic.'"

"Extremely accurate."

Bdubs shook his head.

"The public really sees one interaction and runs with it."

"To be fair," Grian said, wiping tears from his eyes, "those two have publicly argued during like peace media interview things.”

"Three times."

"Four."

"Four?"

"City Centre,”

"Oh right."

Both of them nodded solemnly.

City centre had been a disaster.

The tag count suddenly updated as Bdubs refreshed the page.

He stared. Then stared harder.

"...There are over six hundred."

Grian nearly choked.

"SIX HUNDRED?"

"Six hundred."

"Who has the time?"

"The public apparently.".

Then Bdubs frowned.

"Actually, these are kind of funny."

"Don't let Impulse hear you say that."

"Oh absolutely not."

Because if Lucifer ever discovered there were six hundred stories online about him being perpetually exhausted by Angelic's nonsense-

Bdubs was fairly certain he'd simply walk into the sea.

The lift door suddenly opened.

Both heroes nearly launched the phone into orbit.

Impulse walked in carrying a mug, wearing a pale yellow dressing gown robe with some duck patterned pjs.

"Why do you both look guilty?"

Silence.

Bdubs hid the phone behind his back.

Grian looked anywhere except at Impulse.
Impulse narrowed his eyes.

"...What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing..?”

Impulse stared. Suspiciously.

Then pointed at them.

"You two are banned from making decisions together."

"That's fair."

"Honestly yeah."

Impulse left, gone to sit down with the others. Why Scar and now Impulse was here and not their own common room, Bdubs had no idea.

Bdubs slowly brought the phone back out.

Bdubs scrolled down again.

Honestly, at this point, he wasn't even surprised anymore.

"Okay, okay," Grian said, practically hanging over his shoulder. "Keep going."

"No."

"Keep going."

Bdubs sighed dramatically and continued scrolling.

The next tag appeared.

TimeLoss / Null

The room went dead silent.

Bdubs blinked.

Then blinked again.

Then leaned closer to the screen.

"...Excuse me?"

Grian immediately started laughing.

"No way."

"There is absolutely noa way."

Bdubs clicked it.

Worst mistake of his life.

The first thing he saw was fanart.

Somebody had drawn him and Null sat on a rooftop together. Holding hands. There was a little heart floating above their heads. Null's tail was wrapped around his arm.

"What is THAT?" Bdubs exclaimed.

Grian was already wheezing.

"Oh my gods."

"What is THAT."

"Oh that's incredible."

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED."

Grian wiped at his eyes.

"It says right here-"

He pointed dramatically at the screen.

"'Enemies to lovers'."

Bdubs looked personally offended.

"WE AREN'T EVEN FRIENDS."

"That makes it better."

"NO IT DOESN'T,”

"It literally does."

“I only fought with him.. like thrice now??”

Bdubs scrolled further.

There was more.

Far more.

Way more.

Somebody had apparently written a forty thousand word story where he and Null got trapped in a lift together. Another where they worked in a coffee shop. Another where Null was a pirate.

Judas Priest.

Bdubs wasn't reading that one. Absolutely fricking not.

"Nope."

"What?"

"Nope."

"You haven't even opened it."

"I don't NEED to."

Grian was still grinning like an idiot.

"Oh wow."

"What now."

"The comments are really supportive."

Bdubs dropped his forehead onto the counter.
"I hate people."

"No you don't."

"I do."

"No you don't."

"I do right now."

Grian looked far too amused.

Which was never a good sign.

A grin slowly spread across his face.
The exact grin Bdubs had seen countless times before.

The older brother grin.

The one that meant he was about to become someone's problem.

Unfortunately, that someone was Bdubs.

"So."

"No."

"Do you think Null would-"

"NO."

"-let you borrow-"

"NO."

"-one of his knives?"

"GRIAN."

Grian burst out laughing again.

"Oh this is brilliant."

"You're awful."

"You say that every week."

"And every week I'm right."

Grian completely ignored him.

Instead he looked ato the amount of works.

Then immediately froze.

"Oh."

Bdubs narrowed his eyes.

"What."

"Oh that's even funnier."

"What."

Grian turned the screen slightly towards him.

Bdubs looked.

Then looked again.

Then immediately regretted it.

"...What?"

Grian looked horrified.

"Oh no."

"What."

"Oh no that's going straight to my ego."

"You already have an ego."

"Not this much of one."

"Please don't."

Too late.

Grian was already standing up.

"DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?" he shouted towards the rest of the common room.

"No!" Scar shouted back instantly.

"GOOD."

Bdubs felt dread settle in his stomach.
Never a good sign.

"BECAUSE APPARENTLY I'M LESS SHIPPED THAN BDUBS."

"...What?"

"Oh yeah!" Grian continued loudly.

"Apparently people think he's dating Null."

The room went silent.

Bdubs slowly lowered his head into his hands.

Judas Priest.

This is going to be Bdubs’ villain origin story.

From somewhere across the room came Scar's voice.

"THE KNIFE GUY?"

"THE KNIFE GUY."

Another pause.

Then Joel.

"Honestly I can kinda see it."

"JOEL." Cried back Bdubs jokingly.

"What?!" Joel called back.

Lizzie started laughing.

Hermes looked up from the floor.
"What's dating?"

The entire room froze.
"Oh gods above," Joel muttered.

Bdubs seriously considered throwing the phone through the nearest window.

Grian meanwhile looked like he was having the best day of his life.

Which, unfortunately, he probably was.

“Can I have my chocolate milk yet?” Asked Hermes.

Oh.

He kinda forgot.