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Better luck next time
Mikasa didn't think it'd turn out like this.
She deserved sunshine, too.
It wasn't complicated, they were 'lovers'. Days of aching silently from stares in coffee shops, in lectures, in hallways.
One of them confessed. No surprise, Mikasa did. She wasn't sure whether she should've done it this way, if at all. It was odd, taboo. Surely, being her antonym, her feelings wouldn't be accepted. Yet they were.
Weeks went on as their relationship grew. Stolen kisses, warm touch. Yet each time the covers rustled and the door clicked shut, that feeling was gone. So, so distant.
Annie would be there and gone like a flash. She only stayed long enough for her touch to linger, for her hands to remain a perfect illusion on Mikasa's cheeks.
Sometimes, the raven-haired girl wondered if there even were any feelings left. If the acceptance was simply an allowance. If permission was simply an absent decision.
Not a single "I love you" escaped from either of them. Both too shy, maybe both too cold.
Annie didn't show affection. Or at least, not a lot. The only times she did were when they'd unite under the covers again. There to touch, gone to love. There to pull apart, gone to lean in.
Mikasa tried and tried, thinking it was just her way of loving. Time would fix it. Surely, Annie loved her just as much as she did. She'd tried everything, by this point. Kindness, acts of service, every single other method out there that you could possibly think of. But was it really love, if it seemed so one sided? If the blond seemed like a distant memory?
Every time she'd ask,
«Do you love me?»
«Yeah.»
«Why won't you say it?»
Silence always overtook the room. No answer would come from the cold blonde, only a distant silence. Uttering those words would be betraying herself. Annie wasn't completely heartless, not truly. She didn't have the heart to admit it. That her feelings were only a mirage. An empty promise, made to please but never fulfill. Each shower of love shoved more guilt down onto her heart, sinking it deeper in her chest. Because she knew this false facade wouldn't last forever. Eventually, it'd have to break. She couldn't help the feeling of disgust and pity pounding against her ribcage each time Mikasa looked at her with those eyes. Those eyes full of love and joy, devoted to the blond. Yet she always met hers with a frozen look of glass.
Each kiss from her felt empty. No butterflies surging through her stomach, or warmth spreading through her chest. She hoped, that maybe, just maybe, if she tried enough, she could actually fall for her.
It was only a lie. A lie she made she and her believe. A lie constructed from a wave of a hand in the halls. A lie constructed from a confession. Deep down, she knew that she'd only had pity for the girl. No love was present in her heart. She'd had eyes for another person long ago. One she found dreamy, compared to the yet beautiful woman laying next to her.
There was nothing profound in their relationship. That was just how Mikasa saw it. As a deep, mutual exchange of love. It just had to be hidden. That was it.
She knew she was lying to herself just as much as Annie. However, she harbored deep, violent feelings for the other woman. Feelings that couldn't be erased. Would it even be called "Love", at this point?
It took over her whole life. Her feelings, her ability to function, her joy. She couldn't imagine a life without Annie. She couldn't bear it.
She didn't think it'd happen so soon.
Annie was over once more. The curtains were half closed, leaving a sliver of rain peeking through the window. Mikasa lay close, hair tousled, lips reddened and plump, skin burning like a furnace. The blankets were a mess resembling clouds, half draping over both of their bodies. Dark eyes lifted to gaze at the blond woman lovingly, admiring. The moment felt like it could last forever.
It didn't.
Annie eventually got up, swinging both her legs over the bed and taking a step on the warm carpeted floors. The wooden floorboards under her creaked softly as she crouched to pick up her clothes, putting them back on rather hurriedly. She then stepped over to the wooden nightstand, her pale hand wrapping around the metallic knob and opening the first drawer. Her rings clinked together as she rummaged around the mess inside, before finally picking up a hair tie. She pushed her hair back, wrapped the black hair tie around her fingers and quickly threw it into a messy ponytail. She tightened it briefly, before closing the drawer and walking around the bed to sit on the edge of it.
This was it.
Her pale, nimble fingers drifted to interlock with Mikasa's, keeping a loose hold as her cold grey eyes finally met hers.
Not a trace of pretend was left in them. And finally, reality hit the raven haired woman. Like a cold brick, thrown suddenly without warning.
«You're leaving, aren't you?»
Annie didn't reply. Her thin lips pursed together in silence, guilt overwhelming her. She decided, she at least deserved something to soothe before she stabbed.
She leaned down, blonde strands mixing with dark ones. Lips met each other's, yet they didn't move as passionately as usual. They both knew it was their last. It wasn't even a true one, not at all. Only a slow, brief press of lips. Mikasa's eyes stayed wide open, tears brimming at the corners of her eyes. Her heart felt heavy, her chest heaving. She hadn't confirmed anything, yet the pain overtaking her was overwhelming. It was like her heart was getting ripped to shreds and brutally thrown away. Her throat constricted, lips barely moving. She couldn't bear to kiss her. Couldn't bear to embrace the only love she'd ever had that was suddenly leaving her. Leaving her alone, with her feelings, crying them away.
It really was over, wasn't it?
Each time, the realization hit her harder. Each time her lips began to move again, she'd suddenly remember that cold, brutal fact. It had never even started to begin with. All this time, there had been nothing between them. Only a play of 'love', meant to falsely please. A wet feeling on her cheek broke her out of her trance. Tears slipped past one after the other, rolling down her cheeks and leaving a salty taste in her mouth. A bitter one. One she'd never wanted to taste. Not like this.
Not like this, please, not like this.
It was indeed like this. And for the last time, the blond woman pulled back. Her expression also held a pained look, but not quite for the same reason as the woman beside her. She felt..guilty, almost. She knew she should've never indulged in this anyway. Should've pushed her away before she'd gotten stuck like this. Yet here she was, leaving yet another woman empty and yearning, heart shattered into pieces.
Usually, Mikasa rejoiced at the sound of Annie's boots echoing against the floor.
But not this time.
Because this was the last time she'd be hearing them.
The door shut, and metallic footsteps faded away for the last time.
The second her presence left the room, Mikasa felt empty, yet full of heartbreak ready to burst. And all she could do was cry, and cry, until she succumbed to sleep.
Even in sleep, her heart wouldn't leave her alone. The scene would keep replaying, over and over, as if teasing Mikasa.
"You were a fool, to believe in it so easily. Better luck next time."