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Toto saved me… Toto will never leave me. Those are the words that will always be true. Toto… Toto… Toto will always be with me.
“Stop doing this! Geez!” Totomaru yells at Ron. Being called in the middle of his duty just to pay for his expense again. Absolutely not ideal!
But you will still always forgive me, Toto. Ron smiled as he watched the man scramble with his wallet, losing half of his soul by the expensive product that Ron bought, “Thank you, Toto.”
Totomaru looked up at Ron with a shine on his eyes, almost surprised. Ron's smile didn't wave, instead, it became wider as he carried the plastic bag.
As he expected, he received a gentle bright smile, “You're welcome, Ron.”
As they walk side by side, Ron places the plastic bag on his right hand. Totomaru walks on his left, talking about his day at the office.
“This is where I'll be going. See you later, Ron.” Totomaru's kind grey eyes glisten at him under the sunlight.
Ron's expression softens, a feeling of warmth and happiness spreading inside him. The current on his fingertips wanted to pull back, clung on Totomaru's clothes to make him stay. He clenches his fist and smiles, leaning back, “What do you want for dinner?”
Totomaru blinked before thinking about it, “Mm… I like Ron's curry the best!” There it is again. That wide smile that’s filled with happiness.
“Look forward to it.” Ron gives him a small wave of goodbye before Totomaru disappears through the crowd leaving Ron with a sense of satisfaction.
I'm glad I met him… Ron continued his way home. He still has a curry to make after all.
~~~
“I'm home.”
He probably doesn't even notice that he has been saying that whenever he comes into my place. Ron thought but he never corrected Totomaru. He will never. Only the bubbly feeling of Totomaru accepting him, and Totomaru giving him home intrudes his chest.
“Welcome home, Toto.”
He'd gladly have his apartment home to Totomaru.
Totomaru's day is a lot busier than Ron's, who is only trapped inside his apartment— so much for someone who hates wasting his time and being bored. Sometimes going out to help the tenants or doing a shift at pot coffee. If lucky, Totomaru will call him to help on a case. Mostly, he just reads books, sleeps or cooks.
At 4pm, he starts preparing dinner. Totomaru arrives at 7pm and they'll both have dinner together while talking about their day. Though Ron's days were not that interesting, Totomaru always listens. His ears are always on Ron as he asks questions and says something stupid that they both laugh at.
After dinner, Toto would take a bath. Ron takes a bath in the morning— the western person he is. His chore is to wash the dishes and feed the cat.
“I'm so tired.” Totomaru flops on the floor of sloth then to his side. Ron only smiled at him as he finished putting the dishes on the tray.
Smiling at the fact that Totomaru will be sleeping here tonight. Ron recommended it, especially when it is a busy time for Totomaru in the first investigatory division. Ron's place is much nearer than Totomaru's apartment from his work.
“I tell you, Toto. You should just move in here. There are a lot of vacant rooms here!”
“Because your rent is expensive!”
“You can have it for free if you're going to share my apartment.”
Totomaru threw him the nearest pillow again and again with a reddened face after that.
“I feel embarrassed always being taken care of by Ron…” Totomaru sheepishly smiled as soon as Ron sat beside him, drying his hair.
“Don't worry about it, Toto. I like taking care of you.”
Whenever Totomaru is embarrassed, he immediately goes silent with a pink hue on his cheeks, his eyes avoiding any contact with Ron in the process.
Cute. Ron thinks.
“... Thank you.”
“You're welcome, Toto.”
~~~
I am smart. The brightest detective in the history of BLUE. But I don't understand what I want. What I want to be with Toto.
I am satisfied with what we have. Standing by his side. How we both help and support each other. His brightest smiles are always directly shining at me. I don't think I desire more.
Being by his side is all I want.
Blue eyes stared. Bright under the night bestowed by the moonlight seeping through the curtains of his apartment. There were blinds before. It changed when Totomaru came into his life. The curtains ruffled and shyly glided with the soft wind. With it, he could clearly see Totomaru's sleeping face.
His softened expression sends comfort and affection onto Ron's heart.
There is another person next to him. Warm and alive.
It is not a corpse that he always lays beside whenever he is investigating but an alive person filled with warmth and smiling.
Ron found his hand on Totomaru's cheek. Gentle and careful. He doesn't want to wake up the man. Though, he is sure that Totomaru wouldn't mind what he is doing if he ever finds out.
I love you.
He knows about it. Ron may not have enough human interactions but he knows how to feel. Ron thought he was satisfied with everything.
Until his arms twitched with the desire to hold Totomaru tighter. Bury his nose on Totomaru's head, inhaling his scent. Selfishly and greedily consuming all of him into his arms.
I love you.
~~~
Flowers filled the room. Ron got himself a new part time job, much to his joy. It's this new flower shop near his place. It's a lovely place. The owner is kind and lovely— a person who will have the first impression that loves flowers. She immediately hired Ron after they talked a ton about flowers. Being the smartest in his class, it was nothing to Ron. There are a lot of murder cases where flowers are one of the clues. It's practically a must to learn while studying at BLUE.
“Thank you for your purchase. These are quite lovely flowers.” Ron mused. A smile was painted on his face with charm by the woman in front of him staring with a flustered expression.
“Th-Thank you…” She shyly touched the bouquet and timidly nodded.
The door of the shop rings as another customer comes in and another out. A man. Which is not a rare occurrence. A lot of men come inside this flower shop, for their girlfriends and wives of course.
Ron keeps his smile, guiding the man through the flowers he would like to get. The man seems to be… reluctant.
“Is something the matter, sir?”
Ron noticed a visible flinch, “Ah… It's just that, I'm not sure if my lover will like these flowers…” His eyes didn't meet Ron, deliberately avoiding it.
Ron took note of the ‘lover’ and just smiled, “I'm sure they will like it.” He's not scared of his lover liking the flowers. He's scared it will make his lover uncomfortable.
“Should I recommend some flowers?”
“... That would be appreciated.”
“A small bouquet would make it cut? It wouldn't take much attention, I believe.”
The man's eyes slowly widen, staring at the florist who he suspects will find him out, “Ye-Yes… It's fine…” He doesn't really know how to feel about it.
Gardenias and peonies.
Ron wrapped it in a brown thick paper. Just minimal yet also beautiful— something that can be so special to the other person. I wonder if Toto would like one too…
“Thank you…” Ron didn't mind the suspicious stare the man gave him.
“Have a good date.”
He watches as the man leaves. Back in England, men don't hide such identities. But it's different in Japan. Could that be the reason why he and Totomaru haven't confessed to each other? They don't know.
Honestly, Ron wouldn't mind confessing his love at all.
But remembering the expression Totomaru after giving him the flowers that day, he buried that thought deep at the back of his mind.
This is fine.
~~~
This is fine.
Somehow it became a mantra within Ron's mind. Every time he's with Totomaru, every time he does something for him, every time Totomaru does something for him. There is no more meaning to them, there is no more gesture about it.
Cooking for Totomaru became normal. Sleepovers became normal. Spending time during their day-offs became normal. Going out became normal.
And physical contact has become normal too.
But nothing was discussed between them. Totomaru does not want to, as Ron noticed. He does everything, but talks about what they feel towards each other.
It feels almost so fragile to talk about. Ron doesn't cross that line, fearing that he might lose Totomaru if he ever does.
This is fine.
“I'm home.”
“Welcome home, Toto.”
Ron smiled his best, still on his apron from cooking. A very domestic sight. Totomaru's shoulders slumped, leaning closer to Ron until his forehead touched the taller man's shoulder, “So tired...”
Ron took the liberty of sitting aside Totomaru's back against the wall of the hall before guiding him to the lounge. Totomaru gave his small gratitude before laying on the couch. Ron stroke his brown hair before walking to the kitchen,
“Would you like a bath or dinner first?”
“.....”
Taking two steps back, Ron tilted his body and saw Totomaru's body surrendered on the soft couch. He's that tired huh… Of course he would be, he hasn't been asleep for 3 days. No cases were sent on Ron's way from the police department so that means it was paperworks. Toto did say it's that time of the year where they compile reports of the whole year.
Guess he'd have to delay dinner.
Taking off his apron, Ron made his way back to the lounge. Blue eyes softening as Totomaru's chest heaves slowly. He carefully took off Totomaru's coat jacket and neck tie as well as shoes which earned a groan of comfort from the other man. Ron would like to move him to the floor of sloth but he probably shouldn't see how comfortable Totomaru is.
He crouched beside the couch, staring at Totomaru without any intent than to admire. Fingers slowly reaching out for those brown strands of soft hair until buried, tickling the sides of his fingers. It smells like my shampoo. Ron thought as gently pulling some strands still making sure that Totomaru is comfortable.
Although they are already at the physical level of their relationship, Ron has clearly put some boundaries on himself. He would want to touch Totomaru all over but he doesn't want to make Totomaru dislike him. He knew what boundaries to place by how Totomaru reacts to them.
For instance, Totomaru doesn't mind his hair being touched. He doesn't mind holding on to his arms or his hands. He doesn't mind if they sleep together and Ron's arms would be around him the next morning. Ron could even hug him if he's in a good mood, and whenever Totomaru is in a good mood it also felt like Ron could kiss him and he wouldn't even complain. Though Ron has never crossed that before in fear.
But his face twists in discomfort with flowers. Totomaru hates it when Ron tries to touch him in public— fear comes across his eyes, but not because he is scared of Ron. He's not scared of Ron, and Ron understood that. He doesn't like it either if Ron brings him something to the office or even picks him up.
To make it simple, Ron can do whatever he wants inside the comfort of their apartment. However, don't even touch a single strand of Totomaru hair in public.
Ron, personally, doesn't find himself affectionate. Not at all. Growing up he rarely remembers his parents being affectionate, especially his mother's side. His father was fine but he was strict as well. Mostly though, Ron grew up alone with just his mother's financial support. He didn't have that much human interaction with his peers either. He was the worst person to be around, and to be a lover.
But… everything just feels so natural with Toto.
Ron's action was filled with dedication for Totomaru before he even knew— he didn't even put that much effort on something other than cases.
Ron complimenting and assuring Totomaru— hell he didn't even expect himself that he would actually be able to compliment, let alone assure someone.
Him being clingy, touchy and yearning to touch Totomaru— he was never the touchy type, not especially the clingy type but he wants to feel Totomaru, every single part of him; he wants to feel it all.
It's almost like he's going insane.
He never searched for someone's presence before Totomaru.
He never felt so strongly about a person before Totomaru.
He never wanted to be gentle and genuine to a person before Totomaru.
It's almost like he was consuming Ron.
He is molding Ron to a new person he was never meant to be about.
Yet it feels so wonderful, Ron could only submit and let Totomaru do what he wants if it meant he will be able to stay and bathe on Totomaru’s touch for the rest of his life.
Ron would do anything for Totomaru.
He will do anything for him.
Ron hides himself in his arms, feeling his face warning up, holding onto Totomaru's hand.
~~~
“I got an invitation to a wedding.”
“From a former classmate?”
“Yeah. How'd you know? Never mind. You're Ron Kamonohashi.”
Ron grinned at the compliment (was it even meant to be a compliment?), “You haven't mentioned a colleague getting married soon so I just expected it's from someone not around you.”
“That’s correct…” Totomaru huffs as he feeds himself with a spoonful of his dinner. He had really gotten skilled using western utensils now— Ron's influence, “I don't really plan to go.”
“What why?”
“Taking a leave is a pain.”
But you took them all the time to travel with me. Ron hummed. He does feel there is more to it than that, “I think you should go, Toto. Catch up with old friends and all, you know.”
“Hearing that from you makes it weird.”
“I don't care, I had no friends in high school by the way.”
“Yeah. I already knew from our first meeting that you had no friends.”
Had is the perfect word for it. Ron smiled, “I have Toto now. None of that matters anymore.” He said it so naturally he just continued to dump food into his mouth until he noticed the silence.
Ron glanced at Totomaru. His breath hitching at the sight of those reddish embarrassed cheeks, “You're really shameless.”
What he only said was true. Unfortunately, Totomaru always has a weakness for words of affirmation. Ron finds it adorable when he showers Totomaru with words and he would almost explode from embarrassment.
Later, Totomaru handed the invitation to Ron, “It said I can bring a plus one.” Grey eyes sharpened at Ron, “And I know you will come with me whether I like it or not.”
“As expected of my partner, you know me so well.” Ron chuckled, accepting the letter reading through the details. The event is formal so a normal suit would do, as it said too.
“How many years do you think we have been together.”
“3 years, 8 months and 23 days.”
Totomaru's mouth hangs incredulously, “You didn't need to answer it! And why are you counting!?”
“Because I treasure every moment I have with Toto.”
He said it so innocently, Totomaru might bang his head to the wall by how much he's blushing, “When did you become such a smooth talker!?” Pointing at Ron like he's a culprit of some kind of crime.
Ron laughs. Walking towards Totomaru, hand easing Totomaru's arm to the side, his other hand found itself on the shorter man's waist, “Since 3 years, 8 months and 23 days ago. Do you want to know in minutes?”
Heat pulled entirely on Totomaru's face. His hands slapped on his face filled with embarrassment, “Stop it! You're making me feel bad! I don't count it!”
Ron just smiled. Fingers wrapped around one of Totomaru's wrists, slowly pulling it from his face, “You don't need to count it.” He assured.
Totomaru turned his face up. Grey eyes shining as they got caught by Ron's genuine blue eyes filled with affection. Totomaru felt his breath seize at the sight. The warmth of Ron's hand on his waist– on his wrist spreading as he became more aware of it.
Soothingly, Ron leaned towards him. Pulling him closer, holding him closely, whispering softly, “Just stay by my side.”
And he will.
He will always stay by Ron’s side.
Totomaru never broke his promise. Even after all the wrongs Ron did. Even after all the times Ron hurt him, he didn't leave. Instead, he showed Ron kindness— understanding. He didn't hate Ron. He embraced him and smiled at him like nothing wrong happened.
Ron would have cried on his chest if only Totomaru would allow it. All he could do was look and stare at Totomaru until he felt calm.
Just like now.
Totomaru's peaceful expression in front of him. It has been years and Ron's chest still flutters whenever Totomaru shows him how much he trusts him. How could someone trust him so greatly? No one seems to be able to answer that other than Totomaru himself.
One of his hands brushed against the hand between their bodies. Ron played with Totomaru's fingers— small and gentle strokes, light tugging, twirling around it, feeling the warmth seeping through them.
Ron wiggled slowly closer, eyes intently watching Totomaru breathe. His lashes resting above his cheeks, strands of hair sliding to the side, how one of his cheeks is squeezed by the weight of his head— lips slightly apart.
He watches this every night. He can't believe it's all real. He can't get enough of it.
Ron's other hand landed on Totomaru's neck, softly not wanting to disturb his sleep. His thumb struck the edge of Totomaru’s round face. Ron could feel a small genuine smile of adoration on his own face.
He can feel affection on every fiber wanting to come out. His feet stretched and bent under the blanket, feeling sensitive to the soft cotton that connects his warmth with Totomaru.
Slowly, he leaned forward. Forehead rubbing against Totomaru's bangs. Ron feels like he's about to burst. His light felt eyes dropped.
At this distance he can easily kiss Toto.
...
Ron felt his chest ache. He closed his eyes, and turned his head up. Chin tucked Totomaru’s head into his chest. His fingers molding between Totomaru's own ones as he inhaled deeply on his hair.
~~~
“Ron, it's crooked.” Totomaru frowned, his hands effortlessly sneaking onto Ron's neck, adjusting his tie.
“Thanks, Toto.”
“You're pretty clumsy today… Earlier you were making a mess in the kitchen too…” Grey eyes looked up to him, “Are you okay, Ron?”
Ron pursed his lips at the sight. So cute! I want to kiss him! I want to hug him!
“I'm fine, Toto. I'm just excited to go to the wedding with you!”
The police officer wasn't convinced. He merely sighed and let go of Ron's fixed ties, “Who's happy going to a wedding nowadays..”
“You don't like weddings, Toto?”
Totomaru flinched. It seems that he wasn't supposed to say that, “It's not that I don't like it…”
“Yeah. You look like the one who'd be congratulating the wedding couple the most.”
Ron received a deadpan stare before Totomaru sighed again, “It's just…” There was that reluctance in his eyes again, “...nothing.”
Really, both of them are such bad liars.
They arrived at the hotel where the wedding will be held. Totomaru said that it's a Shinto wedding. The hotel has an indoor Shinto shrine and the next room is the reception. Convenient one might say.
Ron only stood behind Totomaru, watching how people came close to him to talk. Some are people his age, some are so much older. Totomaru smiles respectfully as he talks to them. Then he turned to behind,
“This is Ron. Kamonohashi Ron.”
Ron politely smiled at the older woman. He was about to hold out his hand then remembered he should bow instead, “I'm Kamonohashi Ron. Nice to meet you.”
“What a fine young man. I'm glad Totomaru has a good friend like you.”
Friend.
“Yes. I am lucky to have him by my side.”
Not conforming to anything.
“Officer Isshiki!” Another close to Totomaru's age. A high school friend perhaps, “It's been a long time since we met. How are you? I can't believe you are still in the first division. You must be doing great.”
Totomaru awkwardly laughed, “Yes. Thank you.” His hand gestured to the person accompanying him, “This is Ron. Ron, this is Kenji. A high school classmate.”
“Nice to meet you. My name is Kamonohashi Ron.”
“Kamonohashi… I'm Arika Kenji! You can just call me Kenji!” He grinned, “So are you two going out?”
“What are you talking about?!” Totomaru whisperedly yelled at the man who looked confused. Ron didn't miss how Totomaru's eyes circled the room with panic.
“Eh? But he's your plus one, isn't he?”
“And what could that mean?”
“Mmm? Then he isn't?”
Totomaru only sighed.
“Whatever. See you around, Isshiki! And Kamonohashi too!” The storm finally passed.
Not denying anything either.
“I'm sorry about that, Ron. He never knows how to shut his mouth.”
“I don't mind, Toto.”
Ron didn't really focus much on his surroundings. He did introduce himself to the people Totomaru introduces him to, but that's all. He has nothing to say about the wedding. Though, this is his first time seeing a Shinto wedding.
Toto is a Shinto buddhist… His grandma too… his entire family. If we get married, it would be like this, right? He is not religious himself. In fact, he doesn't have any religion at all. Both his parents don't have either for obvious reasons. His father is a moriarty, his mother is a woman who does whatever she wants without restrictions. They let Ron do what he wants and he doesn't really care about religion.
But if Toto would want to… I don't mind being a Shinto buddhist. He would accompany him with his every prayer. Toto would teach him how to respect the shrines. They will celebrate every event. Ron will be standing beside him, stealing secret glances as Totomaru prays with utmost devotion.
Ron's eyes flicker to the side, watching Totomaru who hasn't said anything since the wedding started. Is he uncomfortable? They've known each other for years now. They know each other more than anyone else. And Totomaru who usually can't keep his thoughts to himself, keeps his mouth shut when he has a problem or feeling something bad.
About a wedding?
Ron leans to Totomaru's side, just enough for his lips to be near his ear, “Toto? What's wrong?”
“It's nothing, Ron.”
The lack of regard for his tone says otherwise.
“Toto…”
“It's really nothing.”
Now he curled himself up. Whenever this happens, it's no use making Totomaru speak up. It's just better to let him think things through first if he wanted to tell Ron or not.
Ron straightened himself, facing forward. He took a step closing in Totomaru's space. The man turned to him, a small expression of surprise on his face which Ron acted he didn't notice as he continued to watch the wedding.
Totomaru followed his sight.
It really is a wonderful wedding. Two souls who intertwine are witnessed by the entire world who accepted them, being blessed by the gods and people as they became one. It's a wonderful event.
If only…
Blue eyes glanced at grey ones—
— sadness and guilt.
Ah…
~~~
Ron and Totomaru took a seat. They share a round table with some of Totomaru's close friends during high school. They didn't mind Ron as some also have plus one. Ron smiled at them as he introduced himself to some he didn't do earlier. They are nice people, no wonder they are Totomaru's friends.
Totomaru smiled and laughed with them. Ron would have been glad if only the sadness on Totomaru's eyes decreased but it didn't.
Ron looked around the table and noticed that most of the people are with their lovers, opposite gender lovers. Now he can say he solved the case.
“The wedding couple is now about to enter.”
Cheers erupted in the room. All of the guests turned to the door where the main characters of the day appeared in their celebratory clothes. Clings of glasses and silverware filled the entire room, but Ron could only hear the buzzing of it.
I’m sure Toto feels the same way too… His eyes never lie. They look so sad when you look at couples around us… Is it because we can't be normal?
“Toto.”
“Huh?” It was an immediate response. Totomaru turned his head to Ron, even though the room was so loud he heard him. His eyes clear as ever like he wasn't having melancholy thoughts just seconds before, “What is it, Ron?”
Ron’s hand under the table became restless. I want to hold his hand. I want to comfort him. But he can't.
Even though their chairs are just close to each other. Maybe it won't be noticeable. Maybe no one will pay attention to it. But Ron doesn't want Totomaru in any difficult situation. So he's holding himself back.
I'm here.
— was all he could tell him. Through his eyes that Toto can always read, through his eyes that Toto can always tell his emotions.
Ron will always fall for those eyes– those grey eyes that always tilts towards him with understanding and happiness, contentness.
Thank you.
It is weird. He is aware they are not holding each other's hands yet he can feel the warmth of Toto's hand against his palm, comforting and rubbing his cold skin.