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There was a time when Dohoon and Junghwan loved each other with everything they had; fiercely, recklessly, like it was the only thing that mattered.
It all started in one spring when Dohoon was chosen as school’s representative for the Sport’s National Competition.
Junghwan on the other hand, has always been school’s golden boy for two years in a row and known for his skills and achievements. He never thought that someone like Dohoon, who came from nowhere, would suddenly replace him for the upcoming competition.
Indeed, Junghwan was forced to walk away from the competition sidelined by an injury that shattered him just a month before. But still, he had imagined someone he’d already known like Kyungmin or Jihoon that would be chosen. So when the coach brought Dohoon to their first practice session, Junghwan could only stare at him unimpressively.
The two had to spend three months practicing together. Not every day was peaceful between them. There were always sparks, always bickering. And sometimes Junghwan would roll his eyes, exasperated, as Dohoon ditched practice to chase karaoke nights with his class friends.
“Sorry that I skipped yesterday’s practice. How should I catch up?” Dohoon asked when he finally attended one of their practice sessions.
Junghwan, feels annoyed, resufusing to answer. He thought that it didn't matter if Dohoon was left out so their coach would eventually replace him with a more responsible student.
Unfortunately for Junghwan, despite skipping a few practices, Dohoon still did well. He even got compliments. This made Junghwan's blood boil and hated the younger boy even more.
Hate is a strong word, though.
One time, he ignored Dohoon intentionally. He avoided him, didn’t reply to his texts, and rejected his calls. What he never expact was the younger boy came to his class and confronted him. He called Junghwan a jerk. In seconds, fists flew and the classroom became their arena, every pair of eyes fixed on them. Two weeks later, they were still paying for it by cleaning bathrooms day after day, side by side.
The punishment caused the two getting closer than ever. Junghwan naturally learned how Dohoon preferred to work super hard in a short time, rather than doing something light and wasting his time. Dohoon would never miss out the fun just because he was busy practicing. Sometimes, he would invite Junghwan to hang out with him after their practice session ended.
Dohoon on the other hand, began to realize that Junghwan wasn't as much of a jerk as he thought he was. He was just a bit selfish and stubborn, wanting everything to go his way. He was also a perfectionist with a boring life. That's why Dohoon brought him out of his comfort zone, so that he could know what high school means for someone their age.
Three months later, Dohoon stood on the national stage with silver around his neck. Junghwan rushed to his side, words trembling as he tried to soothe the sting of second place. But Dohoon wasn’t mourning the loss. He’d given everything he had. And for him, that was already victory.
From that moment on, their bond deepened. Junghwan trusted Dohoon enough to bring him into his inner circle, introducing him to Kyungmin and Jihoon. Not long after, Dohoon returned the gesture, bringing Youngjae and Hanjin to meet Junghwan and his friends. In no time, the six of them fit together like they’d always belonged.
On one summer, they went on vacation to a villa owned by Hanjin’s family.
Deciding the roomates with a game, Junghwan and Dohoon end up together.
One night Dohoon couldn’t sleep because the light was still on. He whined, pouting at Junghwan to hurry and turn it off since he was closer to the switch. Junghwan always hated being used, but when it was Dohoon, he couldn’t say no. The way Dohoon’s whole face lit up with a giddy “thank you” made it worth it.
Somewhere along the way, Junghwan started wanting Dohoon to need him more. If Dohoon was thirsty, he wanted to be the one bringing him water. When Dohoon whined about the cold wind, he wanted to be the blanket that wrapped around his small frame. With Dohoon, something warm and unfamiliar kept fluttering in his chest.
When the six of them were having dinner, Junghwan and Dohoon naturally sat next to each other.
“Here,” Junghwan whispered, offering sushi from his chopsticks. “This one’s so good.”
Good things felt twice as good when Dohoon got to have them too.
“Let me taste it,” Dohoon said with his mouth opened as Junghwan fed him instinctively. A tiny smile curved on his face when he saw Dohoon's expression brightened. “You’re right, it’s super delicious.”
Junghwan would do anything to see that childlike expression on Dohoon’s face everyday.
The last day of vacation, Junghwan and Dohoon were sitting side by side in the middle row of the car. Dohoon looked so tired and sleepy, so Junghwan offered his shoulder. When Dohoon drifted off, no one was watching how Junghwan pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head and carefully smoothed his messy hair with his fingers. The scent of Dohoon’s shampoo wrapped around him like a warm blanket, lulling him into a peaceful daze until he fell asleep too. All ride long, the two of them slept soundly.
On Dohoon's birthday, Junghwan planned to make him a surprise. Youngjae, Hanjin, Kyungmin, and Jihoon had promised to help him. They prepared a birthday party at Dohoon's favorite cafe.
Dohoon came expecting nothing as everyone sang the birthday song and Junghwan came closer handing him a cake.
“I designed the cake myself,” Junghwan proudly boasted as Dohoon stared at his cake with his usual sparkling eyes.
Dohoon tasted the cake and was instantly surprised by how delicious it was. Junghwan smiled, stealing a bite from the same spoon. When Dohoon mischievously dabbed cream on his cheek, Junghwan just smiled wider then leaned in for a cute, cream-covered peck of his own.
The moment turned into sweet chaos. And somehow, Dohoon’s birthday ended with a boyfriend.
The school year ended, and they finally stepped into college.
The six of them didn’t get into the same university. Junghwan started at a prestigious university with Kyungmin and Hanjin. Dohoon, Youngjae, and Jihoon landed at one of the top three national universities. Their campuses were an hour and a half apart, yet every weekend, they always found a way back to each other.
Sometimes, Junghwan would take the time to go to Dohoon's condo if he had an afternoon class the next day. The two would do things that lovers do; watching, helping each other with assignments, sharing stories while cuddling, until they finally fell asleep together.
“I’m joining a soccer club,” Dohoon said one night, while Junghwan’s thumb worked slowly over his palm.
“Aren’t you busy enough with classes?” Junghwan murmured, worried he wasn’t getting enough rest.
“I’ll be fine,” Dohoon mumbled, curling against his side and wrapping his arms around Junghwan’s waist. “It’s our time together I’m scared of losing.”
Junghwan looked down at him, at the way Dohoon’s eyes shone under the lamplight. He knew better than anyone that Dohoon was a social butterfly. He couldn’t keep him caged just because he wanted him all to himself.
“Do whatever you want,” Junghwan whispered, gaze drifting from Dohoon’s nose down to his lips before he pressed a helpless kiss there. “You’re breathtaking when you’re chasing something you love.”
Dohoon caught his lower lip between his teeth, then leaned in for a longer, slower kiss.
“And I love the way you look at me,” he breathed against his mouth. “Your eyes always say what your mouth won’t.”
He wasn’t wrong. In that moment, to Junghwan, Dohoon was the moon that looks so bright, steady, lighting up the dark. He’d never been more grateful to call him his.
One day Junghwan went to Dohoon’s place, only to find the room empty. Silent. No trace of him.
He’d been in a bad mood for hours since he got no replies, no answers, just his messages sitting unread. The ride to Dohoon’s took forever, and the thought of turning back without even seeing his face felt like a waste he couldn’t bear.
It was past 2 a.m. when Dohoon finally came to his condo.
Junghwan would’ve fallen asleep if he hadn’t heard the door click open. He watched Dohoon stumble in, tipsy, late, unbothered. Something hot and sharp flared in Junghwan’s chest. Before he could stop himself, he caught Dohoon’s arm and pulled him harder than he meant to, dragging him toward the bed.
“What time do you think it is?”
Dohoon blinked, half-asleep already, shrugging off his jacket. “I’m so tired… I need sleep.”
“You do this every night?” Junghwan’s voice rose before he could hold it back. “Tell me, what exactly are you doing out this late? Who were you with?”
Dohoon sighed, exhausted and annoyed, shooting him a look that didn’t land soft. “Do you have to interrogate me? I’m tired. Let me rest.”
Anger and hurt collided in Junghwan’s eyes. He’d seen every version of Dohoon, but the one who shut him out was the one he hated most. It made him feel small.
“I waited for you all night,” Junghwan said, voice so irritated. He feels pathetic speaking like this. “But I guess you don’t want me here. I’ll go.”
Dohoon’s hand shot out, gripping his wrist. “Don’t be childish. It’s midnight.”
Junghwan yanked his hand back, jaw tight. “You want to know what’s childish? Coming home drunk at 2AM and refused to talk to the person who has waited for you the whole night. But, yeah. I guess I’m the childish one. You’re right.”
The air between them went thick, charged, neither willing to look away.
Dohoon scowled, staring at Junghwan for a long time before finally letting out another tired sigh.
"You think I'm having fun? Today was too tiring for me too. It's not like I'm kicking you out anyway, I'm just asking for some time to rest. We still can talk tomorrow."
Junghwan did not reply. Dohoon also stopped talking.
They spent the night sleeping with their backs to each other without saying another word. Dohoon was too tired for a conversation, and Junghwan was too angry that he forgot why he came at the first place. He honestly wanted to hug Dohoon's frail body. But he didn't. His mind was filled with arguments and his own ego ended up swallowing him.
When the six of them finally got a weekend together, Dohoon leaned in close and whispered against Junghwan’s ear.
“I have to go first, I’ve got a club meeting.” Junghwan wanted to argue, but Dohoon’s fingers pressed gently into his palm as their hands intertwined. “Please say it’s okay?
Junghwan just stared at him, his gaze too heavy to read.
What will you say?” Dohoon asked again, tilting his head, confusion flickering in his eyes.
Junghwan swallowed, then let the truth slip out. “I’m jealous. Everyone but me gets to spend time with you.”
Dohoon looked at him like he couldn’t believe it, his eyes asking are you serious?
Junghwan cupped his face, thumb brushing his cheek. “I know you’re leaving. With my permission or without it.” He didn’t want to let go, but he knew he had to.
“I have to go. It’s responsibility. Didn’t you get upset too when I skipped practice just to hang out with friends?”
Junghwan hated that Dohoon brought that up. It wasn’t fair.
“Don’t come home late and drunk,” he said quietly.
Dohoon’s smile was almost painful in how beautiful it was. He pressed a soft kiss to Junghwan’s cheek and wittily whispered, “I love you,” before turning to say goodbye to the others.
When Dohoon’s figure disappeared through the gate, Junghwan realized everyone was watching him.
“Don’t make that face. You’re here to have fun with us, remember?” Youngjae nudged him, and Jihoon slung an arm around his shoulders.
They spent the rest of the time losing themselves in old stories and laughter.
Dohoon had just finished class when he opened the door and found Junghwan already waiting for him.
“What’s with the sudden visit?”
Dohoon’s eyes were wide and innocent. He had no idea Junghwan was already hating himself for giving in to that reckless, selfish thought. “I think you should stop going to club activities.”
The light in Dohoon’s face dimmed. His brows pulled together. “What do you mean?”
Junghwan had tried to hide it, but he was still the same stubborn, selfish, a perfectionist who hated it when things slipped out of his control.
“We need to make up for all the time we lost,” he said, forcing himself to sound reasonable. “With this distance between us, we barely see each other as it is.”
Junghwan braced for an argument. Dohoon could be stubborn too. But not like him.
“I’ll do it,” Dohoon said quietly.
Junghwan caught his hand and held it tight. “Why would you even agree to that?”
It was a ridiculous question. Still, Dohoon smiled heartbreakingly beautiful when he felt something hearing Junghwan’s desperate words.
“I was thinking the same thing,” he admitted. “I don’t want to waste my time with anyone else when all I want is time with you.”
Junghwan couldn’t hold back. He pulled him in and kissed him deep, urgent, like he’d been waiting forever.
There were the times when Dohoon found himself falling stupidly in love with Junghwan.
Usually people who knew Dohoon knew that he remained private aside from his easygoing personality. Dohoon could understand other people's feelings easily when it was so difficult for him to comprehend what he felt.
There were times Dohoon couldn’t say how he felt. In those moments, Junghwan didn’t push or demand. He simply stayed, giving love freely, without conditions. He never asked Dohoon to be someone he wasn’t. He adored him just the way he was; even the quiet parts, messy parts, all of it.
“Do you know how to do this?” Dohoon slid his book towards Junghwan who was sitting on the other side of his bed. “I’ve tried so hard to solve it, but i never get the answer.”
Junghwan looked where Dohoon pointed, then began scribbling on the page. By the time Dohoon noticed, Junghwan had already filled one page with his messy doodles, honestly, just as crooked as Dohoon’s.
In the center was a lopsided heart. Inside it, small but steady words: I drew my heart for you.
Dohoon bit back a smile, eyes narrowing as Junghwan just stared at him, unblinking and completely serious.
“I have to submit this to my professor tomorrow,” Dohoon pointed the part Junghwan had just created. “How do you think he’ll respond when he sees this?”
Junghwan shrugged. “Maybe your grades will skyrocket.”
“What if he falls in love with me after seeing this?” Dohoon teasing him, tapped his finger on the heart-shape Junghwan drew.
The mischievous expression that was originally on Junghwan's face faded, turning into a displeased frown.
“Come here, let me erase it!”
Dohoon's laughter filled the room. The man fought Junghwan from erasing it no matter how many times his boyfriend tried. He preferred to rewrite his assignment on another sheet rather than erase Junghwan's feelings that the man tried to convey there.
Dohoon wished that one day, he would find a way to repay him, a way to let Junghwan know how much the guy meant to him.
That night, they threw a little celebration for Kyungmin and Hanjin since their last assignment was finally done. The place was an upscale club, the kind with velvet seats and prices that made you pause, but none of them cared. They were just there to toast the main characters.
“I understand with Hanjin, but who would’ve thought Kyungmin would be able to finish his thesis this year?” Dohoon said, and Kyungmin shot him an offended look.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kyungmin replied, unimpressed.
“Honestly? You still look like an elementary kid trying to graduate,” Dohoon teased, and the whole table burst into laughter. “Just kidding, bro.”
“Why are you all ganging up on him?” Jihoon cut in. “Kyungmin’s a hard worker. He ran for class president over and over in high school even when no one voted for him.”
Kyungmin rolled his eyes, old memories flashing back.
“He has,” Youngjae agreed. “He’s too shy to admit it, but when Kyungmin’s serious about something, he doesn’t play around.”
“Thanks, but you’re not helping,” Kyungmin muttered, rolling his eyes again.
“Why so quiet today?” Jihoon grinned at Junghwan. “Feeling down because the youngest graduated first?”
Junghwan just pulled a silly, unbothered face and let them tease him.
“Alright, toast time,” Youngjae said, raising his glass. Dohoon and the rest followed. “To Hanjin and Kyungmin’s success!”
“To Hanjin and Kyungmin’s success!”
After that, Junghwan went quiet. Youngjae noticed and slid over, pouring more alcohol into his glass. “Are you thinking about what Jihoon said?” he asked gently. “He was just teasing. You know that, right?”
Junghwan gave a small laugh. “I wasn’t thinking about it,” he said, though the words hesitated. “I just… felt a little ashamed of myself, I guess?”
He’d always been the first. Being the best was something he’d carried in his bones for so long it felt like part of him.
“It’s okay to fall behind sometimes,” Youngjae said, his smile softening into a smirk. “Everyone moves at their own pace, you know? And you’re Shin Junghwan. We all know you’ll do something even bigger. I’ve decided to invest in you. Whatever you do next, I’m in.”
Junghwan laughed. “That’s disgustingly flattering.”
“I know,” Youngjae said, throwing an arm around him. “That’s how I butter people up.”
Laughing with Youngjae, Junghwan’s eyes drifted to Dohoon. He was laughing at Jihoon’s joke with Kyungmin while Hanjin chimed in now and then, looking so effortlessly happy it hurt. Junghwan swallowed hard. Some selfish part of him wished those comforting words had come from Dohoon instead.
But Dohoon looked like he was having the time of his life. And Junghwan hated himself a little for it, because he was supposed to be happy when Dohoon was happy.
But for once, he really couldn't bring himself to feel that way.
Dohoon had always been more perceptive than people gave him credit for. He knew what Junghwan was feeling the moment he saw him that day. Junghwan was used to being the best, so when his friends from the same university beat him to the finish line, Dohoon knew exactly how it cut him. Knowing Junghwan, he was probably blaming himself in silence.
Junghwan was always hard on himself. It was the opposite of Dohoon, who’d rather put himself first than carry the weight of the world.
On the way to the club, Dohoon kept Junghwan’s hand in his the whole time, hoping the pressure of his palm would quiet the storm in him. He only let go when Jihoon and Youngjae showed up, then Hanjin and Kyungmin.
Through the whole party, Junghwan felt distant. Dohoon understood that. Sometimes he wanted to step away from everything too when things didn’t go his way. So he gave Junghwan space.
But he kept stealing glances at him. Junghwan was talking seriously with Youngjae now, brows furrowed, shoulders tense. Dohoon worried, until he saw them finally laugh. The breath he’d been holding came out in a sigh. Youngjae was the right person for moments like this. He had a way of bringing comfort without trying, and Dohoon had been on the receiving end of it more than once.
“What are they even talking about?” Jihoon whispered, sliding in beside him and making Dohoon jolt. “Why’d they drift off? The party’s right here.”
Dohoon caught Jihoon’s wrist before he could march over to them. He grabbed a glass, pressed it into Jihoon’s hand. “Sit down and drink.”
Jihoon didn’t fight it. The alcohol burned going down, hot and strangely good that night. He thought Dohoon should feel it too. So he poured another glass, pushed it toward him, and kept pouring until both of them were drunk, the world tilting a little softer at the edges.
Dohoon purposely looked for Junghwan who suddenly disappeared from his sight a while ago. Luckily, he immediately found the man after opening the toilet door.
Junghwan looked standing in front of the mirror in a confused dazed.
"Hey, why are you here? I was looking for you.“
Dohoon approached him, touching his shoulder as the young man turned his body to face Dohoon. Junghwan's fingers touched Dohoon's jaw and lifted the thumb to stroke his cheek which was already slightly red from being tipsy.
“You sure, you were looking for me?“
Dohoon raised an eyebrow. “Why would you ask?“
Junghwan gripped Dohoon’s arms, brows furrowed. “I thought you were busy enjoying this whole party shit.“
“Huh?” Dohoon didn’t understand what Junghwan was saying. “What exactly did you mean? Are you drunk?”
Dohoon was about to pull Junghwan out when the other held him back, pushing him until his back hit the wall. Junghwan leaned forward and kissed him raw.
Both of them were slightly drunk when Junghwan pushed Dohoon and pinned him. The two kissed roughly and messily, channeling the restlessness that was hard to express to each other. Dohoon groaned when Junghwan bit his lip quite hard, sucking it without mercy.
The hard-to-stop kissing began to turn into intoxicating touches. Just by touching each other, both of them were already tense. Who knows what possessed Junghwan that he dared to lower his and Dohoon's pants before the smaller one held him back.
“Wait, let me tell you that I've never done this before,” there was fear in his eyes.
Junghwan seemed deaf, he replied with, “Do you think I’ve ever done this?”
Both of them were in rush and inexperienced. Thinking only of momentary pleasure, thinking of releasing the rising desire.
Junghwan flipped Dohoon over, then started to insert his. The two of them moved in a chaotic rhythm, only thinking about reaching their peak without thinking about anything else.
The quick session passed with supressed groans and growls.
The next day, Dohoon woke up with pain all over his body. That was annoying enough, but seeing Junghwan packing his things up the moment he opened his eyes was exasperating.
Junghwan wore the same outfit as last night, his puffy face and messy hair were signaling that he just woke up not so long ago.
“Are you going to leave already?” Dohoon asked, stopping the man’s movement.
“There’s a class that’s been rescheduled, I have to hurry.” There was a guilty look on his eyes when their eyes met. “I’m sorry, I’ll call you after class is over.”
Of course, his education before his boyfriend. Dohoon would never blame him.
“Okay,” Dohoon spoke with a voice that turned soared. “See you.“
Feeling something extremelly painful on his body, Dohoon planned to skip all the classes he had that day. He let out a sigh while staring at the empty ceiling.
Dohoon hadn't moved when Junghwan kissed his cheek, hadn't moved when Junghwan opened the door, and hadn't moved when he saw his back disappeared.
He hadn't moved a bit when the sun went down, and Junghwan never contacted him that day as the guy had promised.
After that, everything felt awkward.
Then exam season hit. Everyone was buried in their own chaos. Being students at top universities meant spending more time adjusting to campus life than living it. Exams, assignments, practicums, reports — everything was exhausting. Even going out on weekends became impossible.
“Junghwan didn’t come?” Jihoon asked after finals ended, when they finally met up at Dohoon’s new place. “Weird.”
Last week, Dohoon moved from his condo to a small apartment with Jihoon and Youngjae. They were in their final year, and Dohoon refused to live alone. He needed to keep his sanity.
“What the hell is this?” Jihoon opened a box filled with random things. “Looks like a bunch of gifts. From Junghwan?”
Dohoon had a habit of keeping all of Junghwan’s things in the same box. Jihoon pulled out a yellow crop sweater and held it up next to another one. “Why did he buy you so many of these? Gross.”
A sigh slipped from Dohoon’s lips. Junghwan’s voice echoed in his head.
I didn’t know a boy could look so beautiful wearing something so revealing like that.
Dohoon still remembered how Junghwan’s eyes had lingered on him, how his smile never faded. Junghwan complimented him endlessly, said no one else could pull off the look like he did. He even bought Dohoon similar clothes every chance he got, and never took his hands off Dohoon’s waist when he wore them.
“Are you guys fighting or something?”
Dohoon looked at Youngjae. He’d only started talking because it was just the two of them — Jihoon had gone out to buy drinks.
“Me and Junghwan? Not really.” Dohoon mumbled, unsure if that was even true.
They still texted. Junghwan asked about his day, reminded him to eat, sent him good nights.
But it never went beyond that. Like everything they’d built, it had reset back to square one.
“You should talk to him,” Youngjae squeezed Dohoon’s shoulder, then ruffled his hair. “It’s boring watching you two be so calm. I miss throwing up over your cheesy couple moments.”
Dohoon chuckled, surprised by something so cheesy coming from Youngjae. But thinking about how gentle Junghwan used to be with him, how careful and warm… it made sense.
Youngjae was right. Dohoon and Junghwan needed to talk.
Junghwan never thought that, on a random afternoon, Dohoon would be standing in front of his room. They hadn’t met in almost three months. So when he invited Dohoon in, the air between them turned awkward.
“Would you like something to drink?” Junghwan opened the fridge and found only mineral water. “Never mind. How about we eat out instead?”
Dohoon smiled. “No problem. We can just stay here.”
“Really?” Junghwan rubbed his non-itchy chin before following Dohoon to sit on the edge of the bed. “So, mind telling me what this sudden visit is about?”
It reminded Dohoon of their fight last year, when he’d asked Junghwan the exact same question.
“No reason,” Dohoon licked his suddenly dry lips. “I just realized we haven’t seen each other in forever.”
Junghwan flinched. “Sorry. I’ve been so busy with college and everything.”
“Don’t be.” Dohoon expected Junghwan to meet his eyes as they talked, but the man looked everywhere except at him. “So, how’s your thesis?”
“It’s going well, more or less. If there are no major problems, I should be able to finish it by next month.”
“That fast? I’m really glad to hear that.” Dohoon meant it. He was genuinely happy he’d made it this far. “Just know you’ll do great.”
“Thank you.”
No matter how hard he tried to deny, Dohoon felt ache on his heart. Even though Junghwan was sitting there in front of him, it feels like the guy was so far. His eyes looked so calm, like Dohoon's words couldn't reach him anymore.
Dohoon then remember the reason he went there. He was about to talk everything out with Junghwan. Fixing something that seemed to go wrong and getting back to their old selves if that was possible.
However, at that time, it felt impossible.
After the awkward silence, Junghwan looked at Dohoon. “Kyungmin called. He asked if we want to have dinner together. Are you coming?”
Dohoon forced a smile. “Sure.”
That night, Dohoon missed every chance to ask Junghwan about them. About what had happened. About what they were supposed to do now.
“It’s been a while. The last time we met was at the celebration party, right?” Kyungmin asked once the three of them sat down.
“That’s right. We’ve all been so busy since then, we haven’t had time to meet.” Dohoon glanced at Junghwan, who was chewing his food in silence.
“Actually, Youngjae and Jihoon have come by a few times,” Hanjin snorted.
“Ah, right! Youngjae and Jihoon came last week too.” Kyungmin only remembered after Hanjin said it. “Those two always show up for Hanjin’s free dinners.”
Junghwan laughed, a memory flashing through his eyes. “Hanjin’s only been on the job for two days and they’re already leeching off him.”
“That’s right. Hanjin hasn’t even gotten his first paycheck yet.”
Junghwan and Kyungmin kept reminiscing about Youngjae, Jihoon, and kind-hearted Hanjin. Dohoon just watched them with a faint smile, his lips parting a few times like he wanted to say something. But in the end, no words came out.
“You broke up with Dohoon?”
Junghwan glanced at Kyungmin as they walked beside each other after Dohoon left. The two decided to spend a little more time together.
“I don’t know.”
Kyungmin snorted. “This should be a yes-or-no question. That answer’s confusing.”
“That’s probably because I’m confused too.”
“Why?” Kyungmin had known Junghwan long enough to read him. “Is there a problem?”
Junghwan shook his head. “I don’t understand it either. I suddenly feel like there’s distance between us.”
“It’s not just you. We all feel it. Youngjae told me the other day that something’s wrong between you and Dohoon.”
“I don’t know how it went wrong.” Junghwan sighed. “I’ve thought about it every night, but I still can’t find the answer.”
Kyungmin patted his shoulder. “You know what? Sometimes when your head’s too full, you just have to stop thinking and listen to your heart.”
“What is this? Advice from you?”
“Is that supposed to be an insult?” Junghwan laughed, and Kyungmin joined in. “I just hope you two find your way. You’re both my friends. I don’t want to lose either of you.”
Dohoon distracted himself by keeping busy with his internship. He was grateful his boss kept piling on work, it left his head with no room to think about anything else.
About Junghwan. Or their relationship.
After work, Dohoon still had his thesis waiting. It left him with no time to breathe.
“You’re going to collapse soon, trust me.” Dohoon glared at Jihoon, who was sprawled in his room like he owned the place. “Have you even had dinner?”
Dohoon sighed. “Can you please stop talking? I have to finish this before midnight.”
Jihoon scoffed. “Everyone’s at Junghwan’s place. Why aren’t you coming?”
“Then you should go yourself!” Dohoon kicked the sofa Jihoon was sitting on. “Go away. Stop bothering me.”
“Okay, okay! I’m going!” Jihoon stood up, losing his comfort spot. “Junghwan’s graduation is in two days. What should we get him? The man literally has everything.”
Dohoon stayed silent. Jihoon stared at him, suspicious.
“Don’t tell me you’re not coming.” Jihoon preempted him as Dohoon looked up with a guilty, puppy-like expression. “You should come. At least to show you actually care.”
Dohoon pouted a little, then gave in. “I know, asshole. Who said I wasn’t going?”
Jihoon swallowed, having held back for too long. He finally said it. “I don’t know what happened between you and Junghwan, but don’t forget that we’re all your friends too.”
Dohoon didn’t answer. Jihoon exhaled. He’d known Dohoon since third grade of high school. If one thing never changed about him, it was this: Dohoon would always rather carry his problems alone.
Dohoon and his stubbornness.
“Congratulations!”
Dohoon handed Junghwan a bouquet after pulling him into a quick, tight hug. When their hands brushed, something strange flickered through him, warm and sudden. He wouldn’t dare say it out loud.
“After crying like a baby, Junghwan finally made it,” Youngjae clapped mockingly as the six of them stood in a circle. “What a happy ending.”
“You were crying?” Kyungmin stared at him, disbelief all over his face.
“You were?” Hanjin chimed in.
“I was not fucking crying, what the fuck?!” Junghwan snapped, shooting laser beams at Youngjae with his eyes. “Watch your mouth.”
“I’m scared I’ll pee,” Youngjae laughed, completely unbothered.
“Anyway, who’s next?” Hanjin looked around at the ones who hadn’t graduated yet, challenging them.
“Definitely not me,” Jihoon said flatly. Everyone scoffed. He wasn’t wrong though, they all knew his grades had suffered because he couldn’t stop choosing dance over textbooks. “I’m rooting for Dohoon. He’s been grinding like a crazy dog lately.”
At the sound of his name, all eyes turned to Dohoon.
“This semester he’s busier than an actual idol,” Hanjin exaggerated. “It’s impossible to meet him.”
Kyungmin bumped his shoulder. “So that’s why you’ve been ghosting us, huh?”
“Dohoon’s always full of surprises,” Youngjae said, pinching his cheek until Dohoon whined. “I still remember us skipping class for two days straight, then he randomly shows up at the national sports competition the next day.”
It hit Dohoon like a truck. Youngjae’s words dragged up memories he’d almost forgotten he had. How had things changed so much? How did they end up here?
“Isn’t this too childish?” Dohoon asked as his friends sat in a circle at Hanjin’s apartment that night. “Even games like this aren’t popular anymore.“
“I swear this is so much fun,” Youngjae said. “We played it the other day, and we should play it again since everyone’s here.”
Dohoon rolled his eyes. “What kind of idiots still playing truth or dare?“
“They are all idiots, they were playing it.” Jihoon replied casually, being the savage he is.
The game started with Kyungmin choosing dare and having to give a peck to one person. He said he would give it to Junghwan who were celebrating their graduation.
The bottle spun and finally falls on Jihoon who chose truth who immediately got booed for being a coward and avoided dare. He was asked about his first love and Jihoon said it was a girl from his neighborhood.
The game continued, and the bottle pointed at Junghwan. Junghwan chose truth, and Jihoon's next question had almost everyone holding their breath.
“Tell us something we don't know.”
Everyone waited for Junghwan’s answer with bated breath, Dohoon included. The man hesitated for a moment, then said the one thing Dohoon least wanted to hear.
"I'm going to continue my study in Boston, I got a scholarship."
There wasn't much time for Junghwan to explain more as the atmosphere turned chaotic.
"You finally got that scholarship?" Kyungmin walked up to Junghwan and hugged him in surprise. “You’re so cool.“
Hanjin followed and immediately pulled him into a hug. Jihoon was so loud asking about when did Junghwan apply for the scholarship to Boston. Youngjae hyping the man while shouting hysterically.
It was probably only Dohoon who felt his world stop spinning for a few moments.
For everyone else, it was about Junghwan announcing that he was going abroad to continue his study. But to Dohoon, it was like Junghwan saying that he would continue his way alone without needing Dohoon anymore.
Dohoon's body trembled slightly. Was this Junghwan's way of telling him that their relationship was over?
Forcing a smile to remain etched on his face, Dohoon followed the others to celebrate the night's good news.
Ignoring his broken heart, thoughts of doubting himself, questioning; when did things get so messy and fucked up, what mistakes did he ever make that before he knew it, Junghwan was too far out of his reach and there was no way to pull him back.
The best way to cope with a broken heart is to forget what broke it.
Dohoon never knew he was good at that. Luckily, he had enough things piling up to keep him from thinking about what made him a mess.
Every day blurred between his internship and his thesis. Jihoon was the one who worried the most. He kept dragging Dohoon out for meals after Dohoon fainted and spent two days unconscious.
Not that anyone was surprised Dohoon finished his internship and his thesis almost at the same time. At the start of the next month, he graduated.
“Congratulations, and you’re welcome,” Dohoon said, glancing at Jihoon until he got the hint. “If it wasn’t for me, you would’ve dropped dead from exhaustion before today.”
Dohoon bowed. “Thanks for all your useless nagging.”
Jihoon shrugged, completely unbothered by the sarcasm.
“For today’s main character, Dohoon! Congrats on graduating! Woohoo!”
Dohoon jolted when his name blasted through the nearest speaker. He smiled, wide and real, as his friends, except for Jihoon, rolled up with a huge speaker in Youngjae’s Grab. Kyungmin was holding the mic, shouting into it and waving like an idiot. Hanjin sprayed him with confetti until Jihoon finally joined in.
Dohoon was still blinking through the disbelief when a big bouquet landed in his arms.
He looked up. Junghwan was the one holding it out.
“Congratulations on your graduation,” Junghwan said, smiling that soft, gentle smile Dohoon hadn’t realized he missed. It was the first time they’d seen each other since the last graduation.
“Thank you. The flowers are beautiful.”
“We made them ourselves, special for you!” Kyungmin yelled. “Junghwan said you always liked lilies.”
Dohoon flinched. He remembered.
The six of them ended up going out again. It was Dohoon’s graduation and Junghwan’s last week before his flight to Boston. They went to the cafe they used to hit constantly back in freshman year.
They ate. They argued over nothing. They teased each other. They remembered the day they first met. The night ended with Jihoon deciding it was time for one last photo; the six of them, whole.
In the photo, Dohoon is smiling so wide. He looks happy.
Because he wanted to be. At least for that moment, he wanted to grin at the camera and tell the world he was fine.
No one needed to know that after everyone left, he locked himself in his room. He turned the music up loud to drown out his sobs. He pulled the blanket over his head to muffle the cries he couldn’t control. That night he slept with cold sweat on his forehead, and in his dreams, he and Junghwan were still together.
In his dream, Junghwan still loved him.
Time flew so fast when there was nothing excites you. Six months after Dohoon, Jihoon and Youngjae graduated at the same time.
After graduating, Dohoon applied to one of three major companies and was lucky enough to be one of four people accepted.
It turns out that: working is really tiring. Very different from internship programs, real work means we have to always prepared completing tighted deadline work, attending regular useless dinner events, facing seniority, sacrificing free time to work overtime, and taking responsibility for the mistakes that we never make.
He doesn't need pretending to be busy since he really doesn't have time for anything anymore. Even the weekends are sometimes spent by Dohoon working, lazing around for a while, and it is already weekdays again.
After two years of working, Dohoon gets his first raise. He immediately contacted Jihoon who had previously made him promise to treat him beef since Dohoon could only treat him pork before.
Jihoon came in casual baggy jeans and a black shirt with red jacket. He is a dance instructor who just opened his studio a few months ago.
“What took you so long? I was bored to death waiting for you ungrateful pig.” Dohoon glanced at the man who seemed to be wearing the wrong costume. “I said we were going to a steakhouse yet you still dressed like you're going to the dance studio.”
“You just said we're gonna eat beef,” Jihoon emphasized the sentence Dohoon had said on the phone earlier. “You never say where.“
Jihoon and his attitude always give Dohoon a headache.
However, Dohoon couldn't seem to hate Jihoon. He was the only one who stayed by Dohoon's side no matter how many people came and went in his life. Dohoon was complaining about his work when Jihoon straightened his back in surprise.
“What's wrong?“
Jihoon handed him his phone excitedly. “Look, they are back.“
And it was Kyungmin, appearing in their old group chat that used to be so empty like a graveyard, asking everyone to meet up because someone who went to Boston has now returned.
Kyungmin didn't change. He's basically the same person he was a few years ago, just with a neater suit and a neater hairstyle. Hanjin has completely transformed from a college sweetheart to be a corporate slave. Youngjae and Junghwan look charming in casual outfits that make them both look like the leads in a romantic story.
Until Dohoon realized that maybe they really are.
Every little detail between Junghwan and Youngjae exploded in Dohoon's head. How Junghwan laughed harder at his jokes, how he anticipated and waited tenderly every time Youngjae was about to speak, how he brushed a strand of bangs off his forehead, and how his eyes sparkled as he stared at the other.
Dohoon thought it was just because of Youngjae's irresistible charm. Everyone loves him, Jihoon loves him, Dohoon loves him, so it was only natural that Junghwan felt the same way.
But Junghwan's feelings didn't seem the same. Maybe more than the others, maybe his feelings weren't unrequited because it was very obvious how Youngjae was looking at him the same way.
Three years changed everything. They both fall in love with each other.
That night, as the six of them finally gathered after years of separation, Dohoon finally admitted. How the two of them seemed to fit together and how Dohoon's tears almost came out because the feelings of relief and loss came at the same time.
The time had come where he had to let Junghwan go completely.
To accept that their story in the past has ended far before he wanted it to be. To accept that not all farewells have goodbyes. Sometimes everything just happens, like a flower that falls from its branch and begins to dry. All the charm of its beauty when it blooms will only be a memory as it was being blown away by the wind of fall.
That's how their years of story finally ended, and Dohoon knew that Junghwan's new page has starting a new.
So Dohoon has to do that too.