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Jesper hated not knowing. He hated being left out.
Wylan would possibly be dead right now and he had no clue. They made an arrangement with Van Eck to get Wylan back in return for his wife.
A week without Wylan.
He hardly slept, anytime he closed his eyes the only thing he could see was conjured up images of his boyfriend dead. Sounds of his own scream when he thought Wylan died on the Ferloind mixed with Wylan’s when he was taken. It would never leave his memory.
So he paced. He paced and lied awake and never allowed himself to relax one moment until his boyfriend was back in his sights.
That’s why he was the first to his feet when he heard banging on the door. They all tensed, looking at each other worriedly before Jesper creeped the door open. He practically threw it open when he saw Kaz and Inej holding up Wylan.
His head was hanging low, the other two doing more for moving him then he was on his own.
“Is he okay?” Jesper asked hurriedly as he followed them into the smaller room that they all used to sleep in.
Kaz helped Inej set the boy down on the cot and then immediately took a few steps back. He stared at Wylan with his jaw set, “He will be fine. Me and Inej healed his injuries as best we could but we’ll only know when he wakes up.”
Wylan’s shirt was open, bandages covering the majority of his chest. And Saints his face. His skin was much paler than what it originally was, eyebags prominent with this blank expression as he slept with the faintest furrow in his eyebrows. There were multiple blotchy bruises under his eyes and around his jaw that gave Wylan this yellowish-blue color.
Nina and Matthias hovered outside while Kaz walked out of the tomb to probably handle other things, but not before stopping to speak with Nina. The reason why meant nothing to Jesper right now. Not with Wylan in front of him. He dropped to his knees and slowly reached his hand out to lay it on top of his boyfriend’s.
“Are his injuries bad?” Jesper asked quietly. Almost hesitantly as if afraid of the answer.
He could feel Inej on his left as she spoke, “He had a concussion, right ankle was pretty messed up, and a broken sternum along with some broken or fractured ribs. Nina will have to take a closer look to really see though.”
Jesper nodded to himself and ran a hand down his face to try and stop himself from crying. Inej set a hand on his shoulder, “But Jesper, there’s something else-”
She didn’t get to finish before Nina was walking in, “Don’t mind me, Kaz just said I needed to come in here to fix his hand.”
“Hand? What’s wrong with his hand?” Jesper’s question made Inej wince.
“That was the other thing, Jes. They hurt his hand pretty badly.”
Nina removed the makeshift split for Wylan’s hand- the left one, the one not being held by Jesper, and the sight made the Zemeni want to gag. It was swollen and discolored. His whole body looked like a panting done by a madman.
Jesper looked to Nina fearfully, “You can fix it right?”
“I can sure try. You know I'm not as strong as I used to be, so I can try to make it as bearable as possible. His recovery definitely won’t be easy.”
The thought made Jesper ill. He nodded absentmindedly and set his chin on top of Wylan’s arm, "You got this, baby. You’re strong.”
He of course didn’t respond. His chest barely moving up and down was the only indicator that he was even still alive.
While Nina worked, Jesper stayed. When Inej ghosted in and out of the room, he stayed. When Matthias tried to offer to watch Wylan while Jesper slept, he stayed. Nothing in the world was going to rip him away from his position.
Then he heard stirring. He was resting his forehead on Wylan’s hand when he felt his fingers start to twitch.
Jesper stood up fully to see Wylan just staring. He wasn’t making any moves to sit up or speak, he was just lying there.
“Hey sunshine, how are you feeling?”
No response. Wylan slowly blinked at him, hardly giving any indication that he heard what Jesper had said.
He furrowed his eyebrows, “Are you alright? Do you need anything?” Still no response. He started backing up slowly, “I’ll just go get Nina real quick, you stay there.”
Nina was talking with Inej lightly in the corner of the tomb, both looking up when they heard his footsteps.
“Hey Jes, is Wylan awake?” Inej asked.
Jesper scratched the back of his neck, “Yeah? I mean he’s awake, but he’s kind of just.. lying there. Just blinking at me like I'm crazy.”
Nina stood up with a frown on her face, “Well alright let’s go take a look then.”
He followed Nina quietly, Inej right next to him. When they reentered the room they saw Wylan hadn’t even moved an inch. He was still staring up at the ceiling with this far off look in his eyes.
As quietly as she could manage, Nina came up to his left side and moved her hands in her usual Heartrender fashion. She dropped her hands with a sigh after a few moments, “His heartbeat is a little fast, but his breathing is awfully slow. Wylan, honey, can you hear us?”
A short nod. So immediate and so short Jesper nearly missed it. Nina smiled, “Good, just breathe. You’re safe and back with your friends.”
“Friends..” Wylan mumbled. His voice was raw, the end of the word dipping down to be more of a breath than a full word.
Nina nodded, “Mhm and we're right here.” She turns to the other two, “Let’s sit him up.”
Jesper and Inej helped get Wylan in a sitting position, the man not doing anything except looking wildly at them with his lost eyes. After noticing the small shaking in hands, Jesper draped a thin blanket over his shoulders.
Wylan accepted it, gripping the edges so tightly his knuckles were white. It stopped the shaking only slightly, his fingers still drumming against the blanket. His left hand had been bandaged and healed to the best of Nina’s abilities, but it didn’t look to be bothering him at the moment.
Inej pulled Jesper aside, “It’s safe to say he’s disassociating right now.”
“But what does that mean?”
“He’s gone through a lot, people do it a lot to cope without even realizing.”
Jesper started biting his nails, “But he’s okay? He won’t start like.. dying or anything?”
Inej gave him a sympathetic smile, “No, Jes, he won’t start dying. Just be patient with him, keep your words soft and movements not too sudden.”
Nina walked over to them, “All of his other injuries are healing fine, we just need to keep an eye on him.”
Jesper looked between them, “How do you both know what to do?”
Inej’s kind smile faltered, “Some of the girls at the Menagerie would have these kinds of episodes.”
“And you see a lot as a soldier.” Nina added.
Instinctively, Jesper's hands went to his guns. The feeling of the engravings on his thumbs was the only thing keeping him from going insane.
Inej set a hand on his arm, “Just watch.” She moved to kneel in front of Wylan, “Hello darling.”
Wylan blinked at her, “Mama?”
Jesper’s jaw tightened. Mother’s were a tough conversation for them, only spoken about in the aftermath of a nightmare. Neither wanted to talk about it so it was never brought up.
“It’s Inej. Could you tell me your name?”
“Wylan.”
Inej patted his hand lightly, “Good. What about your birthday?”
“June 1st.”
“You’re doing such a good job Wylan, good job.” She started to say something else when she heard the tomb door open and the sound of a cane. “Looks like Kaz is back. I’ll go talk to him, are you okay with staying here with Jesper?”
He curtly nodded. Inej smiled and stood up, when she passed Jesper she whispered, “Get him to talk about his senses. Easy questions he will automatically know the answer to. And don’t be surprised if he doesn’t remember you, just gently remind him.”
Jesper let out a small breath, “Got it.”
-
For a moment he just stood there. Wylan was in no way fragile, Wylan even told him he was one of the only people to not treat him as if he’d break instantly. But right now, he looked so vulnerable, like a slightly strong gust of wind will blow him away.
Jesper sat down next to him slowly, “Hey.”
Wylan stared at him, lips slightly parted. His normally wide expanse of eyes had a far off look. They normally looked at Jesper with so much love, but he couldn’t find that now. He knew it wasn’t lost, just clouded for the moment. Looking at him now like he would a stranger with a face he couldn’t place.
Remembering Inej’s words, he bit his lip, “Is there anything you can hear around you?” He forced his words to be even, not letting the lump in his throat affect it.
“Talking outside.”
Jesper hummed, “Mhm that’s right. I can hear Kaz’s insistent complaints from here.”
There was no giggle, no bright smile he was always met with when making a joke. Just a stared off blank expression as he looks at nothing.
The Zemeni cleared his throat, “What about touch? What can you feel right now?”
Wylan responded, “The blanket. Stone.”
He nodded. Jesper set a hand on his knee, “I miss you playing your flute. Do you have a song in mind that you’re writing?”
There was no response this time. Wylan didn’t move, grip on his blanket never loosening.
Jesper tried again, “You could probably teach me it one day. I would probably be a terrible student but I’d trust you to teach me.”
Wylan wasn’t speaking at all now. Nina came into the room and set a hand on Jesper’s shoulder, “Try asking simpler questions. Ones he can easily answer.”
He got up from where he was sitting, “You know more about this than I do. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Jesper you won’t-“
“I trust you, Nina. Better than I do myself.”
He was halfway out of the door when he heard Wylan mumble, “‘M sorry Father.”
Jesper barreled through the tomb and didn’t stop until he was a little ways away. He sat on the ground and let his head lean against a large headstone on his back. Tears pricked at his eyes.
Typical Jesper, useless Jesper. Doing more harm than good like he always did. He wasn’t helping Wylan, he was just making things worse. Why would he ever think that he would be able to help his boyfriend?
He heard heavy footsteps to his left. He was about seconds away from pulling his gun out when he realized it was only Matthias.
“What are you doing out here?” Matthias asked.
Jesper shrugged, “Just needed some air I guess.”
The Fjerdan grumbled as he sat down next to him, “I’m assuming this has to do with the lamb.”
“It’s got everything to do with him. I’m a terrible boyfriend.”
“And why is that?”
Jesper started spinning one of his guns, “First, I'm the reason he even got kidnapped in the first place, and now I can’t even help him once we get him back. I’m a mess.”
Matthias sighed, “Inej informed me about what Wylan is going through. It’s tough, I've seen Druskelle soldiers fall into it.”
“Oh yeah I bet it’s super tough imprisoning people who didn’t deserve it.”
He got a side eye for that, “It is still a lot. People’s minds are complicated and there isn’t always an immediate cure. Love can be very strong, but not that strong.”
Jesper cracked his knuckle absentmindedly, “Then what else can I do? Just sit there and let him suffer?”
Matthias just sat there for a moment in silence. He shrugged, “I do not know. Because we can’t know everything.”
“How incredibly helpful of you.” Jesper said in a monotone voice.
“I am being serious. Talk with him, see what he needs, that will be enough for him.”
“And how are you so sure that will work?”
“I’ve seen the way you look at him, how you look at each other. You have too much right now to throw it all away.”
Jesper snorted, “Seems like you should be taking your own advice there big guy.”
Matthias said something under his breath in Fjerdan, “That is not important. Now, let’s quit sulking and go talk to your lamb.”
“Alright let’s go.” He said as he laughed and got to his feet, “Thanks. This was oddly comforting.”
“I’m happy I helped.”
Jesper slapped him on the shoulder firmly and walked ahead of him to the tomb.
-
As Nina spoke to Wylan, she could tell his responses were getting longer.
“Is there anything you can smell?”
He’d blink at her, “Your perfume.. it smells nice.”
Nina smiled, “Why thank you. I pride myself on how I smell. I can’t be running around being a criminal while also smelling atrocious, that would just be terrible. Though I think someone should teach Kaz that.”
She saw Wylan’s lips turn up into a small smile, slightly loosening his grip on the blanket. His eyes start blinking in a more rapid succession while he looks around the room.
Nina, knowing what is happening, speaks in a gentle voice. “You’re okay Wylan, just breathe.”
“I can’t.. what.” He realized he had been holding his breath, and let it go. He straightens out his back and his face contorts in pain at the movement.
“Let me go get Inej, you stay right where you are.”
Wylan listened, still looking around the room and squinting at the window. Last he remembered it was dark outside, but the sun was now up. When was that? How did he get here? The thoughts were swarming in his head with the feeling of everything around him. The talking in the other room, birds outside the window.
Inej and Nina are in front of him then. The Suli girl speaks first, “Hello Wylan. Don’t be scared, nothing is going to hurt you.”
He gives her a strange look, “Who are.. where am I?”
“In Black Veil. We got you back from your father and are hiding out here for a bit.” Nina supplied.
“No.. no no he’ll find me. Can’t go back.” His voice sounded jarring to his own ears. It’d felt like a lifetime since he’d heard it.
Inej put her hand on his shoulder, “He won’t. You’re safe here.”
Wylan flinched lightly at the feeling on his shoulder, but didn’t make any moves to push them away. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Nina sat down next to him, “Has this happened before, Wylan?”
He nodded, “When I was younger. The last one I had was when I first got to the Barrel. But I don’t.. there’s something wrong.. with me.”
“Nothing is wrong. You disassociated, it’s a coping mechanism. You went through a lot in that week with your father.”
“A week? My father? What..?”
Inej spoke up, “Don’t try to take it all in at once. Just know you’re safe.”
Wylan looked down at his still shaking hands, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Nina said, “We’ve both been around people that experience the same thing. You’re in good hands.”
“You both know?” He looked between them, they didn’t give him a look of disgust or confusion, but of understanding. It made his eyes water. His entire life he’d felt like an outcast in his own life, but there were people that understood. People who wouldn’t judge, but help.
New footsteps got closer. Jesper was hovering at the door, eyes lighting up, “Wylan.”
“Hi?” He answered hesitantly.
Inej and Nina started filing out of the room, wanting to give them space.
Jesper waited a moment before sitting down next to him. He surprised himself. With how confident and sure he prided himself on being, his own nervousness made him want to fidget even more.
“Hello you. How are you feeling?”
Wylan only looked at him for a moment before looking at the ground, “Okay.. I guess.”
Jesper let his shoulders sag, “Well at least there’s that.”
Awkward silence passed though them. Wylan looked at Jesper, really looked at Jesper. “I’m sorry, I don’t- I don’t remember.”
He gave him a sad smile, “It’s okay. You don’t need to right now. How about you just get some rest? I bet you’re tired.”
“I’m exhausted. But I'm scared.. scared of my father finding me.”
“Don’t be. I’ll protect you.” Jesper winked at him.
A weird feeling seeped its way into Wylan’s chest. He couldn’t explain it, and he couldn’t place it. But then it did make sense. The face that was in all of his dreams and the one he woke up to every morning.
“Jesper?”
“It’s me, sunshine.” He gently ran his thumb over the bottom of his eye, being mindful of the bruising.
Wylan’s eyes started tearing up, “Oh Jesper, I missed you.” His head started to drop and laid against Jesper’s chest.
Long arms circled him, and a comforting voice was in his ear. “I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m so scared. I don’t know- don’t know what to do.”
Jesper’s fingers were in his hair, “Shh, it’s alright. You’re okay. Just sleep for right now.”
Wylan looked up at him, “You’ll be here when I wake up?”
“Of course.”
The two moved to lay down on the slab of concrete. It was uncomfortable, and small for two people, but they managed. Space wasn’t much of a concern for them when they were sleeping practically on top of each other.
-
Inej realized she hadn’t checked on Wylan in a while. She knew exhaustion was normal after an episode, and hoped she’d walk in to find him sleeping.
Thankfully, that’s exactly how she found him. But not by himself.
Jesper was laying on what she knew was the uncomfortable slab of concrete with his hat over his eyes, Wylan laying practically on top of him. With the Zemeni’s long limbs, his legs and arm dangled off the edges while one stayed in Wylan’s hair. It was a comforting sight to see.
It looked like the tremor in Wylan’s hands had finally gone down, and it looked like he was actually sleeping soundly now. He had the front of Jesper’s jacket in a death grip and was practically breathing down his neck.
She smiled to herself and. quietly backed out of the room to let the two men sleep.