Work Text:
Park Hyatt New-York - November 7th 2016 - 8PM - Jensen’s bedroom.
Jared walked into the room. There were opened bags on the floor and the tv let escaped an inaudible sound of commercials . Jensen appeared at the bathroom door, a hand stroking his wet hair with a towel. A fondly smile animated his face when he saw his tall friend entering.
-Hey man! Congratulations on the news!
-Thanks Jen, he answered softly. Whatever the shit that happened in his life, Jensen was always here to brighten it with a smirk.
-I thought i would be one of the first to know about it, you know. Since i pretty much tell you everything ahead.
-Yeah, i know. It didn’t feel…right this time.
If Jared was honest with himself, it never really has actually. Another baby, another lie. Another fucking mask to wear while he was screaming on the inside.
-Are you alright ? his partner asked with concern.
Hard to deceive twelve years of friendship but Jared didn’t want to talk about it because when you start you never know if you will be able to stop.
-I’m just..tired. Really. Don’t worry about it.
-Yeah, that’s the Jared way to shut me up and pretend all is rainbow and unicorn in this world. But i’m no fool man. You will spill it soon enough.
Jared chuckled a bit in his chin or was he crying ? He struggled to see the difference recently.
Jensen looked at him genuinely before tossing the towel on one of the single bed and resumed packing his suitcase. Jared couldn’t stop staring at his friend and felt suddenly overwhelmed. How many years of the same routine now ? Booking a room, doing interviews, going to conventions, Jensen’s smile, Jensen’s laugh, leaving the kids to school, working on set, meetings with fans, Jensen’s hand on his shoulder, Jensen’s comforting voice on the phone during the night, booking a room, going to conventions, Jensen, Jensen, Jensen…
His vision wasn’t so clear anymore. A few Sneaky tears were falling but he did nothing to stop them. Even if he should. His texan mate couldn't’ know about the regrets and imaginary promises that keep him awake in the dark.
-Jay ?
Jared kept staring and stopped breathing for a minute. He tried to wipe his cheeks before his friend drew any conclusion but knew he failed miserably when Jensen’s arms were around him.
-Hey there.
His voice was soft and caring and Jared started sobbing.
-What happened back there buddy ?
Jared knew there’s no coming back from this but he was exhausted and it felt so good to be close to this man. What if i screw this over ? What if he lets me down ?
-I can’t…do this..anymore Jen.
And with this sentence he tightened his grip on Jensen’s back. Maybe for the last time.
-Can’t do what Jay ?
-Living like this.
-You gotta help me there pal, i can’t ease your pain if you don’t talk to me.
Jensen’s skin was so warm under his breath he could almost believe he was safe. I could tell him i love him and run away. What about JJ, Shep and Tom ? Yeah what about them. Get yourself together, they said, don’t lose everything for a fling, they said. Think about your career Jared. Be a good man. Learn to sacrifice. What about me then ? Yeah, what about my heart. It is still a heart if it can’t beat anymore ?
-Jay ?
Jared slowly stood up, Jensen’s hands slipping along his arms yet without releasing them.
-I’m sorry. I..gotta get myself together. I gotta go home and..
-I hate to see you suffer like this.
-What ?
-If you think i haven’t seen though you goofy jokes and fucking « fine » answers, you probably take me for an idiot.
This is it. Jared could already feels the humiliation coming. Rejected. Save time.
-I don’t understand.
-Yes you do.
-No i really don’t!
-Jesus man, why are you so afraid ?
I love when they speak at the same time, she said. We love when they finish their sentences, they said. Jensen and Jared ? I gotta confess man, i wish i had a best friend like that, they will heard. As if they were brothers in life, you see ? Don’t make me lose you.
-You will hate me, Jen.
-I won’t.
-Yes you will !
-I get it man, there will always be things that we can’t discuss but Jay? Don’t we trust each other? Unless you’ve killed someone i don’t understand why i couldn’t be there for you like i always was. Or have you decided to end this friendship ? asked his friend, uncertain.
-God no.
And Jared sighed heavily while walking a few steps away. He just couldn’t think while Jensen was gently brushing his wrists. Just end this conversation and get out of the room. Always giving up, don’t you Jared ? Is it the reason why you become an actor brother ? To avoid life ? Jeff said.
All was suddenly silent around him. His partner probably has turned off the tv while he was struggling to focus.
-Jared, you are my friend. If you want me to listen, i will. If you don’t, i will respect that. Whatever is on your mind, i won’t judge. I promise.
So, how is your fellow actor, darling ? his mother said. He’s great, mom. Funny, compassionate and talented. I have a good feeling about this. Are you going to wait till you’re both ninety to expel it out of your chest so you could cry again how life's a bitch who doesn’t wait for anyone ? Well, surprise dumbass, you had the power all along and decided to stay a coward! he finally said to himself.
-Have you ever feel something for someone you shouldn’t feel ? Jared whispered, his gaze on his feet.
-Like someone’s wife ? answered Jensen casually.
-Like someone's husband.
-I’m not sure i see what you mean Jay.
-Like…your wife’s husband.
There. He said it. But nothing came after. Please say something.
-Are you saying..you…Jensen started, his voice a little hoarse.
-Am i saying that i’m in love with you ? I guess i am.
And again, silence. Jared didn’t dare to lift his eyes yet. He’s not ready to face the disapproval face of his best friend. What did you expect ? Can we die of a broken heart ? At this point, who cares ? So he kept drowning.
-I didn’t plan it Jen. It just happened. You entered the audition room twelve years ago and i knew i was screwed. The way you smiled at me, the way you laugh at my poor joke, the way you look at me then. And that’s sound probably cheesy, i know and i don’t care cause i don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I just. i just can’t stop thinking about you since twelve fucking years and god, it hurts. It’s like i missed you all the time even if we are always together. I..i just…i love you Jen with all my heart and soul and i’m about to lose everything..jesus. I’m sorry, this is nonsense.
Jared cleared his throat and closed his eyes one second before finally lifting his head. He didn’t expect to see this distress look and watering eyes on Jensen.
-Why haven’t you told me this sooner ? The other man struggled to say.
Really?
-Because i lied ? Because you should be mad ? That’s seems pretty obvious to me.
-How could I be mad when I also want you !
What. This can’t be right.
-Don’t play with me Jen ! I was dead serious when..
-I swear.
In a movie there would have been a piece of classic music and some slow motion. In reality this was exactly the same. Jared thought he had an eternity to analyze what he just heard whereas Jensen only gave him one second to cross the distance between them and kissed him intensely.
At first, Jared, too surprised, didn’t know what to do with himself. Jensen’s lips were soft on his. This wasn’t fake affection with Genevieve, this was love and he was craving it. So he gathered his courage and took his friend’s face in his hands. Jensen smelt like wood and cinnamon and it made Jared's head spin but he kissed him back and it surely was the best feeling he ever had.
Jensen’s hands were on his hips, brushing his skin under the bottom of his shirt, sending warm waves of pleasure through his spine. So Jared tilted his head and pushed forward, as if all of this was natural. As if they’ve been waiting all their life for this. The more they kept kissing, the more frantic it became and Jared, at some point needed to ask:
-You really want this ?
-I do.
-But what about Danneel, the kids ?
-She knows.
-I don’t want to lose them.
-We’ll figure this out, whispered Jensen against his lips.
-But Jen…
-Jared, please begged Jensen, bringing their foreheads closer. We can have this talk tomorrow. Right now, i just want it to be about us.
Like the beginning. Where’s everybody ? a 26 years Jensen had asked. Well, there is nobody ! Just you and me pal. A 22 years old Jared had answered.
⁂