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The cool wind was blowing through Siena’s hair as the dark waves splashed against the ship. There was a full moon tonight, but it was hidden by heavy clouds. Perhaps, Siena should return inside. It might rain any minute.
Yet the fresh air calmed her mind a little—unlike the rooms of the ship, which were small and stuffy and made her feel nauseous.
She had been worried about sea sickness before boarding, as she had never been on a boat before and had not known how she might react. Though, she believed that the sea was not the sole reason for her tight heart.
Perhaps it was merely excitement; maybe a little healthy nervousness. For the first time in her life, she was leaving England. She had always dreamt of this—of travelling across Europe, performing at all those renowned theatres. Of course, she was a bit nervous. But should she not still feel joy as well?
After all, a new life was lying ahead of her. Or maybe, it was merely her old life, just at a new place.
Siena sighed. It was ridiculous. Was this not what she had always longed for? Surely, her younger self would be happy…
*
A mesmerizing smile appeared on Siena’s face as she was watching the singer on stage.
Would that be her one day? She hoped so. Though, she also hoped to be performing at bigger theatres than this one day. Most guests were talking and drinking, not paying the woman on stage any attention. They never did. It was such a shame.
“Do you think I could perform at the Royal Theatre one day?” Siena asked her mother then, who was sitting next to her at a table, enjoying a glass of wine.
“Of course,” her mother replied with a smile. “I’m certain you’ll be able to conquer every stage in London—across Europe, even.”
Siena beamed at her. And her mother knew what she was talking about. She was a ballet dancer, after all. Though, money was always tight.
“If I do, then I will surely earn enough to pay off all our debts, right?” Siena said then. “We could even live in one of those big, pretty houses.”
“When you do,” her mother corrected her. “It might not be easy, but never settle. You have to be ambitious. Only the best make it.”
Siena nodded, biting her lip. “So … why did you choose the stage?”
It was a nicest way of asking her why she had chosen all this trouble, even though it had not paid off. Her mother had received a good education, after all. Surely, she could have found good work elsewhere.
Her mother gave her a smile. “I wanted to be in control of my own life.”
Siena returned the smile, nodding again. That seemed like a good explanation. She, too, would like to be in control of her own life—doing what she loved; travelling the world; never caring about money ever again.
*
Siena sighed. Was this truly the life she had hoped for? Yes, she did what she loved. She was also travelling the world now. And she did not have to care about money, as she had a great gentleman by her side. Yet was she truly in control? Every decision she had ever made had been about security; about a safe and stable future. Never about what she truly wanted. In all honesty, she did not even know what she wanted anymore. There was not point in dwelling on dreams.
What was it that her younger self had wished for again?
*
Too early, Siena and her mother had left the theatre and were now walking home along the dimly lit streets.
“Your father has send us some money for your birthday, by the way,” her mother told her then. “It’s not much and of course it is up to you, what we will use it for. But I thought that I might hire a tutor to teach you some dances. Just one or two lessons,” she added, “as I doubt we’ll be able to afford more than that. However, I know a few dances myself, so I could continue teaching you afterwards.”
“What could I use dancing lessons for?” Siena asked, not too excited.
“Well, who knows—one day, you might find yourself on the dance floor at one of those fancy balls,” her mother replied.
Now, she did feel excited—staring up at her mother with a surprised smile, asking, “You think I will be at a ball one day?”
Her mother gave her a smile. “As I said: be ambitious. You never know what might happen.”
Her mother put an arm around her should as a grin appeared in Siena’s face. A ball. That sounded like a dream. Wearing fancy dresses and letting a handsome gentleman spin her across the room—could this truly be her future?
*
Siena almost laughed as she remembered her naivety. What would her younger self say, if she knew that Siena had almost attended a ball? She probably would not understand why she had declined such an opportunity.
She wondered why her mother had ever encouraged such foolish thoughts. Sure, her mother had always been quite ambitious—but far from naive. In truth, she might be the most cunning and calculated woman Siena knew. And as Siena had grown older, her mother had repeatedly reminded her to think of herself first; to always ensure a secure future. So why had she told her such lies at age ten?
“Are you not cold?”
Startled, Siena turned around. Sir William was approaching her with a small smile.
Siena returned the smile, saying, “No, I’m fine. I will be right with you in a minute.”
He nodded at that, returning inside as Siena turned back to face the dark sea.
He was a good man; a decent man. And perhaps the most perfect man she could have ever found. As a composer, he could always ensure for her to be employed. Neither did they have to keep their affair a secret, as it hardly harmed his reputation to have a muse. And in the end, they shared a common interest.
Yet the thought of spending an entire year with him overseas, living together at the same place, did sound quite … dull.
It was not his fault. She liked him, and she knew that he loved her. And it would be foolish to ever walk away.
Because, in the end, the future might be her own—but there was only a certain path she could allow herself to take.
*
Siena was lying inside her bed, staring at the dark ceiling, still thinking about the performance earlier.
What would her life be like? Performing in front of a crowd every evening? A beloved singer who was earning enough money to support herself and her mother? Finding a sweet man to love and share a home with? Being allowed to do whatever she wanted?
She might not be able to see what the future had prepared for her—but she could not imagine a future without freedom. It was the only thing that mattered in this life, after all.
*
Siena sighed again. Her younger self had certainly been quite naive—as children tend to be. Was that perhaps why her mother had lied to her back then? To allow her to live inside some sweet fantasy for a while, knowing that reality would catch up with her sooner rather than later?
Perhaps. And perhaps her younger self had not been completely mistaken. Freedom was indeed the essence of life. And it was why she had chosen this path.
Suddenly, she noticed the clouds above lifting slightly as the moonlight painted the dark waves with streaks of silver. Apparently, there would not be a storm after all.
Siena took a deep breath, then decided to finally return inside. The future was her own still. It would always be her own. She would never accept anything less.