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It started on the first day of school.
Otogiri walked into one of the first year classrooms, to the class he was assigned to be the homeroom teacher of. This was just his second year as a teacher, but he had excelled on the job the year prior and was well liked by the students, so the rest of the professors trusted him enough to manage a grade on his own. So, now he was just making himself comfortable in the teacher’s chair, right in front of the chalkboard, and starting to watch the students come in, one by one.
That was one of the things he liked the most about this job, getting to watch the kids. Not in what most would consider a weird or predatory way, of course, he just enjoyed seeing the light radiating off of them. It was like seeing his students’ young, untainted, and shining pureness made him feel younger himself, somehow. He swore he would protect those kids when he decided to become a teacher, so seeing them being so happy and innocent just reinforced his goal of doing so, and it also made him want to provide them with the guidance he never received from any of his own professors back when he himself was in school.
He started watching his students come in, lightly analyzing them to try and guess their personalities from their clothes and demeanor. Teenagers tend to express themselves the most with those things, after all. The way they behave around others, and the way that same behavior changes between different people, says way more about them and their background over the carefully picked words they speak around the teachers they don’t quite trust yet. And Otogiri knew that, so he decided to just observe for a while to know how to treat each student specifically.
He saw a boy come in first. His white uniform shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a bright orange t-shirt underneath it. His hair was a very light brown, and he had a slightly tanned skin that complemented it quite well. His eyes looked big and curious as he stared around the room for a bit, to then politely smile and bow lightly after crossing sights with his teacher, who bowed back to him with his head. He picked a seat around the middle of the room to sit down, muttering something about how he was lucky he had gotten to pick a seat first in a very cheerful manner. He seemed like a polite young man, or so Otogiri thought. His tan meant he was outside a lot, probably had lots of friends, and the fact he had picked a seat so close to the middle of the room and wore such a flashy shirt added to the idea he was most likely an extrovert. Or, at least, not afraid of people talking to him.
The next student to come in was a girl. She had her medium-long black hair in two perfectly made braids, wore glasses, and also wore the entirety of her uniform correctly. As soon as she walked in, she bowed to her teacher too, and then picked a seat right in front of the entrance, rather quickly and nervously. As soon as she sat down, she took out a notebook and started drawing something, avoiding eye contact with anyone. She was definitely one of those shy, artsy kids who don’t want to be noticed. She had picked a seat at the very back and at the very entrance because she wanted a cornered, easy-to-get-to seat. She seemed obedient, too. She would most probably not cause much trouble later on, aside from not having a lot of friends. The teacher smiled to himself, he really enjoyed analyzing his students.
Next, a boy came in. He had black hair that covered half his face, but in the gaps in between the hairstrands his small pupils and fierce eyes were visible. His uniform was perfectly aligned with the dress code, and he possessed a somewhat mean-looking, forgettable face. He bowed politely, and sat on the next to last back row, on the third seat from left to right.
When he walked in, Otogiri’s heart sank. He had seen that face before, it was not a good memory.
He smiled politely at his new student, while internally trying to recollect his loud, nonsensical thoughts, to desperately try and make them into something coherent. All those painful memories were flooding into his mind again, after a while of finally leaving him alone, and were tearing him apart from the inside out.
He wanted to puke. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to stand up, grab that boy by the shoulders, and ask him about every single small detail about his life. Just to make sure it wasn’t actually him. Just to make sure that he was just going crazy and that his new student wasn’t him.
This teenager was not him.
He would be twenty-five right now.
This teenager was not him.
And yet, this teenager had the same face as him. And yet, this teenager made Otogiri’s heart beat like crazy, like he used to do. And yet, this teenager was just as handsome, looked just as reserved, and just as stoic as him. This teenager somehow made Otogiri just as crazy and flustered and attracted as he used to make him.
And that was downright terrible.
And that was downright terrifying.
Otogiri took a deep breath, and averted his attention back at the classroom entrance door. He could just try and ignore it for now, he thought.
—♡—
Otogiri later found out that the boy's name was Nakamura. Nakamura Okuto.
He was fifteen years old, and he was very obviously in love with his classmate, Hirose Aiki, the curious-eyed boy with the light brown hair and the tan skin. The one who had arrived first on the first day of class.
And Nakamura was very clumsy about his crush on Hirose.
He was always stuttering, screaming and turning bright red whenever he saw the boy he liked, who just laughed it all off and ignored it all because he just wanted to befriend this interesting, but very shy kid. He would read BL manga in class, and giggle while imagining stuff with his crush, and practice every conversation with him before having it, just to still fail and stutter every single time and become completely hopeless about it. It was cute.
Otogiri liked watching every single one of his attempts from afar. It was very funny to him to see one of his students always getting into situations, or being dragged onto them by force. It was fun to see him fumble every single attempt, and it was very cute to see him always stand up back on his feet and try again, even if the interaction would end in failure and humiliation again, because he always thought this time it would be different. It was cute seeing him being so hopeful and upbeat. It was reassuring, to see him being so different from him.
But, even if he was different, they both still looked so alike it was painful. Otogiri still didn’t like seeing Nakamura in the eye, and he still didn’t like being alone with him for things like study sessions and obligatory remedial talks he had to give everyone, so he actively avoided them and focused on other students instead. This had led the boy to incorrectly assume Otogiri disliked him, and it had ended up in him starting to dislike his professor back.
Otogiri noticed it when he noticed how Nakamura seemed to be rather hostile to him and only him specifically. At the start, he didn’t really understand why, because he was doing his very best at trying to treat him like he treated all of his classmates. He was trying his best at both treating and seeing him as just another teenage boy he was here to give support and guidance to. But, apparently, trying his best didn’t mean he was trying hard enough, because the child now very clearly seemed to dislike him, and seemed to especially hate whenever he got close to Hirose, who seemed to be rather fond of his teacher.
The man later realized that Nakamura was most likely just matching his vibe, and being jealous of his closeness to his crush. That made him a little bit relieved, even if he knew he would eventually have to fix his demeanor in front of Nakamura. He wanted to treat all his students with equal understanding and interest, after all. If he didn’t, he would be failing at his job. He would be failing at his dream job, the job that he had inspired him to pursue and…
Crap.
He was thinking about him again.
But, well… How couldn’t he? When he had a perfect copy of him in the class he was teaching and when that same copy was the most interesting student in it? And when that copy was so cute that it hurt? And when that copy was also so ridiculously funny? And when that copy was so pure and innocent, but also so determined and cool? How couldn’t he think about him over and over again, when someone who made him just as weak as him was now in his care for six hours a day five days a week?
How couldn’t he think about him so much, when he had met someone new, but also very similar, who made him feel the exact same as him?
Growing from deep inside his core, he had felt this familiar sensation grow. But, this time, it wasn’t as naive or as glorified as it used to be. This time, he was way more ready for it, and it didn’t hurt his body as much as it did the first time. Even if it did hurt his mind a lot. He may have been physically prepared for the heartaches and the weakness, but his mind was going around in circles and he couldn’t stop it, even if he tried his very best to. Because trying his best wasn’t what he needed, and he knew. But he decided to ignore it.
For now, he would just treat Nakamura like he treated all the other kids in class.
—♡—
Recently, Nakamura seemed to have opened up to him. Or at least opened up more than he used to.
Otogiri had overheard some students talking about how Hirose had gotten a girlfriend, and he thought it was just one of those stupid rumours teenagers loved spreading, because he had become great friends with Hirose and was pretty sure the boy didn’t like girls. Still, he found himself surprised to confirm it when he not only saw his student walking home with a girl multiple times, but also saw Nakamura being in the worst mood he had ever seen him in. That’s when he knew it was true, and his suspected gay student did, indeed, have a girlfriend now. Surprising, really.
It took him a few days, but at the end he decided to have a personal talk with Nakamura to try and cheer him up, or at least to offer a more optimistic perspective. He wanted to treat him like just another one of his students after all, and the kid was very obviously depressed, so he decided to do the responsible teacher thing to do and help a sad student in need of a little emotional support.
He had been nice, he had been patient, and he had been careful with his words during their talk. Nakamura was still in the closet after all, and Otogiri didn’t want this boy knowing he had been watching him from afar for a while now. Still, his efforts had seemed to suffice, because the kid had eventually told him about his worries and the reasons for his sadness, even if in a very careful and cautious way to not let his professor know about the gender of the person he was talking about. At the end of their conversation, it felt as if an invisible wall that had been between them all this time without them knowing had been taken down. It felt as if they were closer.
And they were.
Now Nakamura wasn’t hostile anymore. He was still somehow avoiding his teacher, but he didn’t seem as mad anymore. Now, he seemed more shy than anything, he seemed more like how he would usually be in front of other teachers. That made Otogiri glad, glad that he had managed to treat this kid like he would treat any other one, and glad that said kid was so different from the one who had broken his heart.
Actually, he had noticed that, while Nakamura still awakened the parts of him he wanted to keep asleep, he still didn’t seem to remind him of him as much now. He didn’t think about him whenever he saw his student anymore, and he had mostly stopped avoiding the child. It was nice, to be normal for once. It was very nice, even if his feelings were still nowhere as close to normal, and even if he still felt attracted to a fifteen year old boy. It was nice to be able to pretend that he wasn’t. It was nice to be able to pretend he was a good teacher.
Because now, one of his students trusted him more, like how they were supposed to. One of his students was now normal towards him, and he trusted himself thinking he could be normal towards him back. It was nice. It was lovely. And it was reassuring.
When Hirose broke up with his girlfriend, and confirmed with Otogiri he was indeed gay, the teacher decided to cheer his students’ love story on, even if he felt a gentle pain on his ribcage every time he did something for them.
But he noticed how Nakamura stopped trying. At least, trying with Hirose.
Otogiri noticed how Nakamura’s attention was suddenly shifted onto him.
Crap.
—♡—
He first noticed the shift in the boy’s behavior when he started stuttering more and more in front of him.
Then, he noticed how he got red at the mention of his math and homeroom teacher’s name, even if not in his presence.
Next, he saw how the kid who had previously done everything in his power to avoid him was now sticking onto him and frequently asking questions in class, as well as asking for private tutoring rather often. It was an absolute pain for Otogiri, not because he disliked his student or the fact that he was asking for so much, but instead because he actually really liked doing what Nakamura asked of him. He liked him. And it wasn’t just because he looked like his first love anymore.
Otogiri liked Nakamura. Loved him, even. And the boy reciprocated those feelings.
And that was very dangerous.
Otogiri decided he wanted to put up a wall again. A clear separation between them, to keep their relationship strictly as one of just a professor and one of his students. But he realized that Nakamura technically didn’t cross that wall, didn’t break it down. Because all he asked from the older man were things that any normal kid could ask from his homeroom teacher; study sessions, emotional support, and help with schoolwork. That was all very normal stuff for a teenager to ask from his professor, but Otogiri knew Nakamura didn’t ask for it with the same intentions as any of his classmates. Otogiri knew that he asked for those things because he wanted to spend more time with him. He knew, and knew he had to do something about it.
But he didn’t.
He found himself enamored by this shy boy’s attempts at love. By his determination and also by the way it seemed so prone to disappearing and then coming back seemingly at random. Otogiri had found himself enamored by this boy, not even because he looked like him anymore. He fell in love with the person the kid truly was, and it was the first time.
Because all his ex-girlfriends were just replacements for him. Because all the people he had “fallen in love with” were suspiciously like him. And because, whenever he found out just how truly different they were, he just couldn’t love them anymore. He just couldn’t hold their hands or kiss their lips as easily anymore. It felt like a chore when he realized just how different they were. Because he hadn’t fallen in love with them, he had fallen in love with him over and over, again and again until he couldn’t take it anymore.
Nakamura wasn’t him.
Nakamura was too oblivious and too clumsy to be him.
Nakamura was too good of a person but also too petty of one to be him.
And that was a good thing, and that was the perfect thing for Otogiri. Because what he needed wasn’t him. What he needed was someone who would understand how it felt like to be an outcast and how it felt to be weird to both everyone else and yourself. Because Nakamura would understand how it felt like to have your heart squelch and squeeze onto itself for someone you know you will never have, but still have the hopes of maybe getting a chance with.
Nakamura would understand.
Unlike him.
—♡—
It was one of their study sessions.
Otogiri was explaining some math concept to Nakamura, while the latter was chewing on his pencil out of pure frustration, looking at a certain question in his textbook. The elder one couldn’t help but find it cute, seeing his student like that. This kid was really too oblivious of his own cuteness, it was kind of dangerous. What if he got stuck with some weird creep that only wanted him for their own satisfaction? He already was stuck with a weirdo, though. And it was not like the man was allowed to talk about creeps anyway, considering what he himself thought of the child.
“Otogiri-sensei?” Nakamura’s voice was worried, nervous, and careful all at once. His face painted a very clear expression of confusion on it. “Could you please tell me what… What any of this means?” He asked, while pointing to a question in the textbook.
The teacher let out a quiet, low voiced laugh, making his student’s face completely heat up. He really seemed to like his professor’s laugh, always getting all red and bothered whenever he heard it, or saw the man’s smile. Maybe the thing he liked was just seeing him in a good mood, not necessarily laughing. Well, that didn’t matter, that reaction was very cute nonetheless.
“Nakamura-kun, are you doing this on purpose?" He asked, while still laughing a bit behind his words. “I’ve explained it to you three times already. Do you actually not get it, or do you just want this session to last longer?” He knew that both those options were true. He knew that Nakamura genuinely didn’t understand the problem, but he also knew that the only reason he had asked for support instead of studying on his own in the first place was because of his crush. So he was just asking it to tease. To test the waters.
“W-Why are you asking that?!” The response was quick, immediate, and very panicked. Nakamura’s expression was the one of a child whose antics had just been found out, even if the antics in question were just his crush on his math teacher. Which isn’t uncommon at all for teens his age. The only way he was different from the others was on the fact the math teacher he had a crush on was of his same gender, and even then, that was way more common than he thought too.
“It’s just the impression you gave me,” Otogiri responded, and then paused for a moment, maintaining his gaze at the boy’s eyes. “I’m not complaining. Don’t tell anyone, but I actually really like spending time with you too,” He added, his eyes still looking at Nakamura’s own intently and maybe even intensely. Well, rather than looking, it was staring. Otogiri was staring at Nakamura, who seemed to start panicking because of it. Prolonged eye contact was really not his forte. Especially with his crush.
“Really? Do you?” The child asked, breaking eye contact to instead shift his attention onto his right hand. He had started sweating a bit, and Otogiri could tell he was internally panicking to no end. Adorable.
“Yes, I do.” He paused for a moment, still staring at Nakamura. His smile disappeared from his face as he slowly started reaching out, and grabbing the boy’s dominant hand with his own, making him drop the pencil he was holding. “I like it a lot.” His fingers were embracing the other’s softly, he was grabbing his hand like it was some kind of delicate glass object he didn’t want to break. Because that’s what Nakamura was to Otogiri. A delicate piece of art, not meant to be vandalized or broken. A delicate piece of art he wanted to own.
The teen's reaction was priceless. His hand was sweaty, and so was his face, which was so red it could be mistaken for a fresh tomato. It made Otogiri smile again, a sweet, genuine smile that he felt let out a huge weight out his chest. He liked how this student of his made him feel. He loved it.
Even if it was wrong, and even if it was weird. Even if it was illegal, and even if it was the worst thing he could ever feel. He still loved it. He still loved Nakamura, and he did with all of his heart.
“Nakamura-kun…” He whispered, his voice low and deep but also full of shame. His smile was sad, and genuine. He was not looking at the boy’s eyes anymore, deciding to stare down instead, but the boy was looking at his. “Could you please do me a favor?” He muttered. It sounded like something he had meant to say for himself, it sounded like something that should have been left unsaid, like something he wanted to hide. But, in the complete silence of an empty classroom after school, it was very easily heard. And it was answered too.
“O-of course, what is it?” Nakamura responded, tightening his own grasp on his professor’s hand. His expression had softened, he seemed curious now. But also worried. Not for himself, but for his teacher. The teacher that was always so resilient, so reliant. The teacher that looked so vulnerable right now, and looked as if he was about to tell this kid his most shameful secrets, expecting for him to understand. And he kind of was.
“Could you please just hold my hand for a moment? Until…” He stopped. Because he couldn’t finish his sentence. Until I’m me again. Until I’m like how I used to be at your age. Until I know for sure you love me too. Until I know we’re gonna be together forever. He looked up, to meet his student’s eyes.
Nakamura was now smiling.
“With pleasure,” He responded, his smile glowing just as radiant as the sun.