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"What's the deal anyway? It's just a mask."
To Hagiwa, his mask is a part of his identity. His face. No matter what happens later in his career, Hagiwa would never let go of his mask. It's also given him a sense of security. Besides drums, his mask also made him feel more confident in himself. It makes him feel free despite being restricted from doing certain things.
At first, he was scared of debuting. He's going to meet many people, whether they're accepting his concept or not. It's different from his influencer era, where he could easily ignore stupid comments and call it a day. He can also control what he can and what he can't do. That's what he thought until he experienced it himself.
Despite small inconveniences that happened once in a while, everything surprisingly went well. The seniors welcomed him. The staff was nice too, even though he's still cautious around them. Everyone accepts his quirkiness. But is it real? It feels too good to be true, he's not used to it. It makes him wonder how long it will stay this way.
He fears that it's just a matter of time before something bad might happen. What if one day people find out what he looks like under that mask? What if someone exposed his personal information? What if he got forced to change his current identity if something went wrong? What if—
He can't stop thinking of all these negative 'what if' scenarios inside his head. It has been going on for a while now, and it really bothers him, but he couldn't really talk it out with the other members. After all, this is just a personal matter. He's sure the other members have their own problems, he doesn't want to add more to their plates. He's supposed to be the one who brings joy to the band.
Currently, they're preparing a comeback, so they spend most of the day in the studio. Hagiwa likes it because he can play the drums. The loud noises the drum produces gave him comfort, just as it always had. It reminds him of the reason why he was here in the first place, to spread joy to more people. Even during breaks, Hagiwa didn't leave his place and played his drums lightly. Usually, he would join the others chatting, but he couldn't bring himself to do so at the moment.
Ever since moving to the dorm, Hagiwa couldn't play the drums as freely as he used to. He can't bring his instrument anywhere like Dane or Keiten, heck, Riaan is his own instrument. He can't really do much other than use his practice pad. It doesn't feel the same though, he might disturb the other members too if he uses it too often.
Now he's in his shared room with Keiten, listening to the demo of their new song in his airpods while air drumming. Keiten, who just finished getting ready for bed, threw his shark plushie towards Hagiwa. Surprised, Hagiwa paused the song and looked at Keiten. "Keiten, what the heck?"
After successfully getting his attention, Keiten innocently asked, "Hagi-chin, aren't you being too hard on yourself?"
Hagiwa huffed, "What do you mean by that? You know drumming has become a part of my life."
Keiten sighed, "I know, but this has become a bit too much. Look at the time, it's getting late. You don't get ready to sleep?"
Hagiwa checked his phone, it is getting late. "Okay, fine." He took his airpods off before putting them on the bedside table. He throws the shark plushie back to Keiten.
Keiten caught the plushie, though he almost fell from his bed because Hagiwa threw it too hard (Hagiwa was sure he didn't use his entire strength to throw that plushie though). They have a schedule for tomorrow, they should get some sleep soon or else they'll get up late.
Keiten hugged his shark plushie. "Good night, Hagi-chin. Sleep well." Hagiwa sure hopes he sleeps well tonight.
"Good night, Itenie."
Hagiwa closed his eyes. A few minutes have passed, and he still couldn't sleep. He opened his eyes again, looking at Keiten, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
"Must've been nice," he whispered to himself. Hagiwa shifted to the opposite side of the bed, his feet facing the headboard. It sounds silly but it has become his habit whenever he can't fall asleep. It works, well, most of the time. He sighed. He opened his eyes again, sitting up to grab his phone on the bedside table. It's 2 am. Shifting around the bed won't help him sleep. Maybe there's something he could do to distract himself.
He gets up from his bed carefully so he doesn't wake Keiten up. He walked towards the kitchen to look for a midnight snack. He loves kinderjoy, well, more like he loves collecting the toys. He would usually just take the toys and leave the chocolate for everyone to enjoy, so he put it inside the fridge. There are still a few left. He took one of them and ate it at the dining table. It's sweet, but does it solve his problem? Not really.
He sighed and dropped his head to the dining table. It would be so much better to go out and get drunk at this hour, but he would be scolded by their manager, especially if he went by himself.
Hagiwa goes back to his room. Maybe he should doomscroll on his phone until he gets tired again. He stopped when he saw lights coming out of Youngjun's door. Not surprising. Hagiwa feels like he should remind his lovely keyboardist to get some sleep.
He walked towards the door. Should he knock on the door? Or should he sneak in like he usually does whenever he gets into Youngjun's room? Wait, why would he even overthink this? Just do it the usual way, Youngjun wouldn't mind anyway. He shakes his head. It feels like he was not himself at that moment.
After a few seconds, Hagiwa decided to open the door. He peeked in through the door. He saw Youngjun sitting on his desk. "Youngjun?" After hearing Hagiwa's voice, Youngjun turned his head towards the door.
"Oh, Giwa. What's wrong?" Youngjun got up from his chair to approach Hagiwa.
"N-nothing! Just want to tell you to get some sleep! We have a schedule, remember? I'm going back to my room now, okay? Bye, love you!" Hagiwa said awkwardly. As he stepped back to run to his room, Youngjun held his hand.
Youngjun looks at him. Hagiwa avoids his gaze by looking the other way. "You haven't been sleeping well, have you? Look at your eyes right now."
Hagiwa startled. "It's okay! It's gonna be covered by my mask anyway—wha!" Youngjun suddenly pulled Hagiwa inside his room. He closed the door, then he pinned Hagiwa against it by holding his shoulder.
Hagiwa's eyes widen. "W-why are you doing this?"
"You've been acting weird lately."
Hagiwa froze, he let out a dry laugh. "I'm always weird, Youngjun…"
"Wait, no, I mean—" Youngjun paused for a moment. Awkward silence filled the air. After a few seconds, he finally asked, "Can we talk for a bit, please?"
Hagiwa fidgeted with his sleeves. "Youngjun, it's late. We should get some sleep."
"Are you sure you can even sleep right now?"
If he were honest, going back to his room would result in getting lost in his thoughts again, and it scared him. Hagiwa shakes his head.
Youngjun sighed. "Follow me." He brought Hagiwa to sit on his bed. Hagiwa didn't refuse. Youngjun took the drummer's calloused hands, caressing them gently. Hagiwa's hand twitched slightly. It stings a little, but Hagiwa doesn't mind at all, in fact, it feels comforting.
"Your hands are really rough."
Still, Hagiwa stays silent. He looked at his hands, he didn't even realize how bad they were until Youngjun mentioned it.
"I miss your random visit to my room."
Hagiwa turned his head up. That made him wonder, when was the last time he visited Youngjun's bedroom? Was it really that long ago? "Really…? I didn't expect you would feel that way..."
"Why did you stop?"
Hagiwa loved visiting Youngjun's bedroom, whether to pull a silly prank on him or to hang out. Since they're getting busier these days, that idea didn't really cross his mind. Besides, he thought Youngjun would feel bothered if he came to his room too often. "I guess it's just because we've been busy these days."
"Really? Or is it just you?" There was no hostility behind Youngjun's voice, but that question caught Hagiwa off guard.
"Huh...?" Hagiwa tilted his head slightly. "What do you mean...?"
"We took a lot of breaks, but you rarely joined us and stayed on your drums. I think you already did great, so I don't understand why you're so hard on yourself. We were worried—"
Hagiwa shook his head. "Youngjun."
Youngjun looked at him. "I'm confident with my skills, it's just… The time when we get to the studio is the only time I can use proper drums, which is why I want to spend more time playing with them."
The other members know how passionate Hagiwa is about drums, it's understandable that he wants to spend more time in the studio. However, his recent behavior looks more like he's just running away from the members. He wasn't this obsessive before their debut.
"Really? But you weren't like this before."
Ah, he got caught. Youngjun tightened his grip on Hagiwa's hand. "Care to tell me what's going on?"
Hagiwa sighed. There's no point in hiding anyway. "There's something that I've been worried about… It was…"
Youngjun paid attention to Hagiwa as he pulled his hand away from his grip. Hagiwa pointed at his own face with his finger. At first, Youngjun seems confused, but then he understands what Hagiwa meant. "Your face? But didn't we already discuss it?"
"I know, but… how do I explain this?" Hagiwa paused, biting his lips. "I had a hard time trusting people…"
Hagiwa was so used to living alone. Living with other people under the same roof or living in another country was the last thing he would actually do. All of these feel so unfamiliar to him.
"I understand."
Hagiwa looked at the taller guy. "Huh? You're not mad?"
Youngjun brings himself closer to Hagiwa. His gaze softens. "Why should I?"
"I… I'm basically saying that I can't trust you guys fully yet… even you…"
Even to other members, Hagiwa didn't talk much about his background aside from what he said publicly during his influencer life. He thinks it's not worth it. He's also afraid that it would backfire in the future. He already sacrificed too much for his debut, he doesn't want to lose his privacy as well.
Youngjun's hand reached Hagiwa's cheek, caressing it gently with his thumb. "We know how precious that mask was for you. We won't take it away from you. And we won't let anyone else take it away from you. You're our precious maknae after all." Youngjun smiled softly.
All this time, Hagiwa just needed some reassurance from the members. Seeing how genuinely Youngjun has been treating him makes him so mad at himself. Hagiwa grabbed Youngjun's hand that was caressing his cheek.
"I've… never told you guys about this because I'm supposed to make you guys happy…" Hagiwa's voice started to shake. "Y-you guys are too nice to me—it makes me scared." He hugged himself. Tears start to well up in his eyes. "I don't deserve you guys, especially you."
Hagiwa actually hates crying. He doesn't like it when people see him cry. When he feels the tears falling down his face, Hagiwa hides his face on Youngjun's shoulder. The moment he felt the keyboardist's hand on his back, he muttered, "Don't look at me..."
Youngjun rubbed Hagiwa's back slowly. "I know, I know."
"I'm sorry for doubting you… I'm so selfish. I should've been thankful you guys have been keeping up with my stupid antics," Hagiwa said between his sobs. He hugged Youngjun back.
"Take your time, you have the right to be selfish." Youngjun tightens their hug.
They stayed in that position for a while. The room was filled with silence and Hagiwa's occasional sniffling. After calming down, Hagiwa let go of their hug and finally looked at Youngjun in the eyes.
"My face must've looked awful right now." Hagiwa wiped off his tears.
Youngjun giggled. "I think it's cute."
"You're cuter, your face isn't puffed up like mine," Hagiwa said while poking Youngjun's right cheek. Both of them laughed. Youngjun is relieved that his cute little drummer is finally being himself again.
Hagiwa yawned. Crying must have taken all his energy.
Youngjun asked, "Feeling sleepy now?"
Hagiwa nodded. He rubbed his eyes. "Can I sleep here?"
Youngjun smiled. "Come here." Youngjun shifted to the other side of the bed, letting Hagiwa lie down beside him.
After covering both of them with his blanket, Youngjun interlocks his hand with Hagiwa's hand. He pulled it closer to kiss it.
"We still have practice today, right? Don't skip the break."
Hagiwa giggled. "Yeah, yeah, I know…"
Youngjun used his other hand to bring Hagiwa closer. "Also, just come to my room whenever you want. Do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy, okay?" Youngjun really had a way with his words. He ruffled Hagiwa's hair.
Hagiwa's eyelids grow heavier, he can only nod after hearing Youngjun's statement. He wraps his arms around Youngjun's waist, nuzzling on his chest. He murmured, "I love you."
Slowly drifting to sleep, Hagiwa can slightly hear Youngjun's voice,
"I love you too."
The dark room slowly brightens up as the light comes out through the blinds. Youngjun and Hagiwa are still in bed, cuddling with each other. Hagiwa opened his eyes after he heard voices from the outside.
"Maybe he's in Youngjun-hyung's bedroom?"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, that's the only room we haven't checked yet."
Oh shit. Hagiwa just realized he left his room unannounced, Keiten must've been looking for him. The door suddenly opened. "Youngjun-hyung, sorry for barging into your room this early in the morning. Is Hagiwa in your—Oh!" Keiten appeared at the door. He laughed at the sight.
Hagiwa froze, still trapped in Youngjun's embrace. Youngjun opened his eyes after hearing the fuss.
"So he's really in here? Ooh, scandalous," Riaan peeked in, followed by Dane behind him.
Youngjun sat him and Hagiwa up. Hagiwa blushed, "Riaan, what do you mean by that—"
"Heh, I'm kidding, I know you guys are not at that level yet."
"Gosh, you really made Keiten worried over here." Dane chuckled, putting his arm around Keiten's shoulder. Of course, he said it in a joking way, but Hagiwa couldn't help but feel guilty for making his bandmates worry for him.
Hagiwa fidgeted with the blanket. "Sorry…"
Youngjun ruffled Hagiwa's hair. "Guys, Hagiwa was feeling gloomy last night. How about we give him a group hug?"
"Youngjun!"
"Really?! Aww, Hagi-chin, why didn't you tell me? It's not because I threw Sharkie at you right?"
"Alright! Group hug!"
"Ah, I knew something was off about you lately…"
"You guys…" Oh, Hagiwa feels like he's about to cry again.
Youngjun didn't even explain to the others what made him feel gloomy, they just hugged him without any question. Maybe this is his way to show Hagiwa that he can trust the members.
Youngjun really made him realize that everything was real and that he would be okay.