Work Text:
3/28/2026
My tire popped yesterday.
The loud bang startled me; it brought me back to the fireworks.
I pulled over and just started crying, like, a lot.
Is it weird to say "like" in a journal? He would know. I don't know, it probably doesn't even matter.
I should stop writing in pen.
The crying thing has been happening a lot lately, probably too much.
It's kind of weird, I keep thinking about it even though it's almost been 3 months.
Sometimes I'll just be making breakfast, and then I'll just start crying for twenty minutes.
Or, a few days ago, I opened his my computer for the first time since everything happened.
It's just been rotting on my desk since New Years; I haven't sat at my desk in a while.
I started crying again when I saw Minecraft already open, I guess I never closed it.
I have a new computer now.
My eyes have been really dry from all of the random crying, so now I just keep eye-drops around the house for when I'm too tired to move, which has also been happening a lot.
I hate it.
But I keep one on my nightstand,
And one near the couch,
And also one in the kitchen; I think I cry in the kitchen a lot.
I kind of went off-track a bit, I guess I do that a lot when I'm talking, too.
Anyway, my tire popped yesterday.
I cried for an hour straight, it was kind of embarrassing to do on the side of the road.
I had a killer headache afterward and that sucked.
It felt like the whole world had sprouted upwards for just a moment and went "hey, let's make this guy have the worst day ever," even before my tire popped.
There were so many red cars outside on that day.
I saw a stupid logo with a knight's helmet on it.
And then I cried at the sight of a traffic light.
It must've malfunctioned or something, because it was the longest yellow light ever.
I try not to think about him much, but I guess I'm really failing if I'm crying at the sight of red cars and yellow lights.
I wonder what he thought of me.
I wonder what would've happened if I didn't go to that stupid tree.
Sometimes I even wonder if I might've seen him before.
I cry a lot when I think of him.
And I think about him probably way too much, If I'm being honest.
I spent the first week trying to find him.
But I guess it's kind of hard to find everything about a person when all you have is their first and last name.
Or is it the opposite? I think I'm just bad at this. I'm bad at a lot of things.
I found a few pictures here and there, and then I cried some more.
That was it. I couldn't find much else about D3r Derek D3rlord him.
A part of me is glad that I don't have roommates; I stayed in my room for so long that you would think I was the dead one. That doesn't really sound funny on paper. I think I'm bad at this journaling thing.
My mom called me the day after it happened.
I listened to her go on and on as she talked to someone I've never been.
It's been like that for a while. She tries her best but It feels like she doesn't know me.
She was so upset that I didn't come home for New Years, but she never even invited me.
Maybe she was just busy.
Or maybe she invited the other Avery.
"Her" Avery.
An Avery that I haven't been since I was, like, thirteen.
I don't know, this sounds stupid.
I started crying half-way through the call, I don't even know why, so I hung up on her.
I have a bunch of texts from her, my dad, and basically all of my siblings now.
I haven't read them yet; I think I'll cry again if I do.
Anyway, my tire popped yesterday.
That's the third time I wrote that.
Maybe it's some sort of avoidance thing.I don't know, stuff like that sounds dumb.
The sound keeps replaying in my head, it keeps making me think of the fireworks.
I really, really hate fireworks now, it's kind of irrational.
I rode the bus to the store today; my car is fine, I got a new tire, it's just the noise that stopped me from driving. That sounds stupid.
Maybe it's that avoidance thing again.
That's why I'm writing in the first place, to try and stop the whole spontaneous crying thing, to stop "avoiding" my problems or whatever.
Anyway, I'm rambling again. How do I manage to ramble while writing?
Half-way through the ride, I started to regret taking the bus.
The random crying thing happened again, and I obviously didn't want to do that on the bus.
And I was fine for a bit, I wiped away the tears until my eyes stung, which sucked.
But then I saw someone that looked like him,
And I think a really stupid part of me thought it was actually him.
He turned around, and then I started crying again.
That must've been weird to see; you're on a bus and suddenly a stranger is just staring directly at you and sobbing.
It wasn't him, obviously, and I think that only made me cry even more.
The bus ride felt like it went on for hours and hours as I sobbed.
I wonder if crying makes time go by slower, it probably doesn't.
He would know the answer to that.
Someone eventually noticed me, I felt weirdly exposed.
But I guess it's kind of hard to ignore someone sobbing on a bus.
I could've died from embarrassment right there, but I was too focused on crying to pay attention to anything else.
She sat down next to me on the in silence.
I kind of had to force myself to stop crying, because I was probably being annoying.
Once I stopped sobbing, I heard her ask if I was okay.
And part of me contemplated just…staying silent, but I turned to look at her.
She looked…tired, about my mom's age, and she had this expression on her face…It was look that made me want to sob all over again.
She looked concerned.
I said I was fine, obviously. What else was I supposed to say?
I wasn't gonna dump all of my problems on some random woman on the bus that I just met.
She handed me a tissue, and I almost cried again as I started to wipe my eyes.
She could've just ignored me, she should've just ignored me, but she didn't.
I made some stupid comment about the weather.
I don't know why I even said anything, but I had successfully started a conversation.
She said her name was Ruth.
And I said my name was Avery.
Ruth said "looks like we're both having bad days."
And I wanted to cry again, but I nodded.
The bus stopped before we could actually talk about anything; it was my stop, and coincidentally hers too.
We looked at each other and said our goodbyes.
…And then we started walking in the same direction once we got off the bus.
So we kept talking; We talked and talked until we realized that we were going to the same grocery store, and we didn't stop talking until we left the grocery store.
Avery learned some things about Ruth, and Ruth learned some things about Avery.
Ruth likes going to the library with her son.
Avery is a skateboard instructor in the summer.
Ruth hasn't gone to the library with her son in a while.
Avery hasn't been to the library in a while either.
Ruth's son had an "accident" and that's why she hasn't gone to the library with her son in a while.
Avery was quiet.
Ruth waved a hand and said that "it's fine," that she just has to bring more books home now, that her son apparently requests a lot of books.
Ruth said that her son is about Avery's age, and that he would find Avery's summer job as a skateboard instructor to be outrageous.
Avery laughed and said that maybe he'll teach him to skate.
Ruth was quiet.
It started to rain.
Avery felt weirdly guilty.
Avery said that he's sorry, for crying on the bus, for whatever happened to Ruth's son; Avery doesn't know why, but he just says that he's sorry.
Ruth told him not to worry about it, she even invited him to come to the library with her sometime soon.
Avery took the offer.
Avery's tire popped yesterday,
Avery now has an actual person to talk to,
And Avery is going to the library with that exact person tomorrow.