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She knew there was only a 1 in 10 chance of survival. Such a small chance. And it was a gamble they were both willing to take. Even if she was reluctant to go along with it, she would support Blade’s wishes.
That didn’t soften the blow in the slightest.
It only made it hit harder. It only made it hurt more.
It only made the moment of watching him dive into THEIR jaws all the more painful. That moment of complete and utter helplessness. Power that was stolen from her, and put in a cage. But the bars were wide enough, and if she tried, she could’ve squeezed her hand in to reach it.
She didn’t. Because she knew she couldn’t make the choice for him.
So she had to make the choice to stand perfectly still, and watch him leave.
Maybe she could’ve stopped him. Or at the very least, she could’ve earned herself a few more seconds with him. Maybe she could’ve called out his name, just to watch him turn around, and meet her eyes once more.
But she didn’t.
Silver Wolf did absolutely nothing as Blade disappeared from her vision. She could only watch his hair flow in the wind, his footprints appear in the snow beneath them, and his breath puff out in wisps of smoke.
And then he was gone. Just like that.
It didn’t feel real for the first few seconds. She simply stared ahead, waiting for him to crawl up, and run back to her. She was patient, she could wait. Blade was the strongest man she knew, it wouldn’t take him long. This was nothing for him.
There was only the sound of the wind rushing past her ears. She distantly felt a warm hand on her shoulder. Stelle’s glove was in the corner of her vision. Silver Wolf brushed her off.
“No. Just give him a minute.” She muttered, keeping her eyes trained on the abyss below.
“Wolfie..” Stelle began.
“I said wait.” Silver Wolf demanded, clenching her fists.
He was strong. He was going to come back. They had survived so much worse, what was one more gamble?
She blinked, feeling snow land on her skin, her eyelashes, blurring her vision. She hoped it was just snow, anyway.
“We have to go.”
She knew that. And she would go, just as soon as she saw his head poke out from behind the cliff.
She didn’t like how long it was taking.
When they left the World in Canvas, Stelle asked her if she was okay for what might’ve been the hundredth time.
It took a hundred tries for those words to finally click in her mind.
She was gonna be okay when Blade came back.
But Blade didn’t come back. He never did.
So no, she was not okay.
Silver Wolf just shook her head. She wordlessly followed behind Stelle as they left.
The world seemed so gray. It reminded her of her days on Punklorde. Such a vibrant and loud environment, yet so dull and quiet.
Blade would’ve heavily commended her for her fight against Asat Pramad. He would’ve told her she fought hard, if he were there.
…No, he wouldn’t have done that much. He would’ve pat her on the hair instead. He would’ve cooked her favorite meal as a reward.
It felt the same in her eyes.
“I’m gonna go back. Go check on that Navigator of yours.” Silver Wolf dismissed Stelle, before starting on her way back towards their hotel.
“Alright.” Stelle nodded.
She didn’t make it more than a few feet away before Stelle called out for her once more. Silver Wolf stopped, turning back towards her.
“..I’m sorry for your loss. He’d be proud of you, Wolfie.”
Silver Wolf blinked.
“…Thanks. I guess.” She muttered.
She chose not to dwell on Stelle’s words.
There was no point.
When she made it back to their hotel, she opened the door, quietly closing it behind her. The room was dead silent, untouched from how they had left it when they set out that morning.
Silver Wolf moved like a machine, doing the tasks that were most familiar to her every day when she came home. She took off her shoes, she discarded her jacket on the counter. She let her hair down, running her fingers through it to dispel the tingles on her scalp.
She was sloppy today. When she glanced at her game console, she reached out to turn it on, before stopping.
No, not enough energy right now.
So Silver Wolf turned away. She walked into the kitchen, pacing around. She had to eat something, it was a long day.
But she only stared at the open pantry to a few seconds, before slamming it shut, turning away.
She wasn’t good at cooking, anyway. Because Blade was the one that made sure she ate well.
She went to the bathroom instead. The floor squeaked as she moved, echoing through the empty room. She stepped through the doorway, flicking on the light switch. Silver Wolf stared at herself in the mirror.
The bags on her skin were heavy, her hair was ratted. And her eyes looked especially red.
Blade always told her to brush her hair more.
So she did. She picked up a dark comb on the counter, and ran it through the first few strands of hair. She winced, feeling it tug and pull on the knots. Silver Wolf grabbed onto a piece of hair, roughly forcing the teeth of the comb through it, letting out a tiny cry of pain.
She repeated this for every part she could get her hands on, even the hair at the back of her head that she struggled to reach. Her head burned from the harsh treatment.
Blade brushes it softer.
She set down the comb, picking up the hair on the counter that had fallen out. It formed into a gross clump that she tossed into the trash can. But her hair was smooth now, and she could easily play around with it.
If she couldn’t eat, she should at least brush her teeth. Then she should go to bed.
Yes, that was the routine he made her follow.
She should continue it.
Silver Wolf shut off the last lamp in the room, plunging the area into darkness. She was so, so very exhausted.
Her phone had been blowing up the entire day with messages. From Stelle, she expected.
What hurt worse was seeing Kafka and Firefly message the group chat, asking how they were doing.
She didn’t have the heart to answer them. So she shut her phone off, and hid it in her jacket pocket.
Because answering them would mean she would have to face a terrifying truth. One that she wanted to look away from, for just a little longer.
The curtains swayed in the breeze that blew in through the open window. She shivered in the cold of the room, she had to get warm somehow.
She found it stupid that she didn’t move for her bed first. No, she drifted toward the one on the other side of the room.
Silver Wolf approached the bed that Blade had slept in. The sheets were unkempt, there were blood stains on the edge of the blanket, fading into an ugly brown.
This wasn’t her bed. And she wanted to keep it somewhat tidy for its owner. She knew he didn’t like it when she messed up his sheets.
Silver Wolf held onto the railing at the foot of the bed. She fell to her knees, resting her arms on the mattress. It was comfy, nice and soft.
Bladie, it’s cold. Don’t get mad at me for this.
…He wasn’t here after all. Couldn’t she grant herself this one indulgence? He’d forgive her.
Silver Wolf crawled into the bed, hearing it loudly creak beneath her weight. She grabbed onto the covers, tucking them over herself as she settled in. It felt foreign, yet so familiar at the same time.
It’s so warm.
Silver Wolf rolled on her side, staring at the door, like she was waiting for someone to come in.
She was.
She was waiting for the man whose scent still lingered on the sheets she was curled up in.
There was a 1 in 10 chance he would walk through that door right now, and kick her out of his bed, like a misbehaving animal.
There was a chance. She’d rather he get mad at her right now.
Silver Wolf buried her face into the pillow, his smell filling her nose.
He smelled like blood, a lot. Sometimes smoke, too. Gunshot residue whenever he went out on missions with Kafka. Rubbing alcohol when he tended to Firefly. And he smelled like bubblegum when they hung out together.
He smelled like home.
Silver Wolf breathed in that scent, wrapped in a cocoon of fading warmth. There was a chance, but it only seemed to be getting smaller.
And smaller.
He wasn’t here. “Home” wasn’t here.
Blade wasn’t coming back.
He was never going to come back.
That was all it took.
Tears spilled from her eyes, seeping into the pillow, in a bed that was far too big for just one person.
I tried, Bladie. I tried.
She knew she had to brace for today, when it eventually came. That was a fact, a condition to remaining by Blade’s side. To have your goodbyes already written, and be ready to recite them at any moment.
But she had never felt so unprepared in all her life.
Finally, Silver Wolf let herself cry, enveloped by a “home” that she couldn’t return to, that she could only cling on to through memories.
The bed was only growing colder.