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If Hansol was the ocean, Seungkwan would have wanted to drown in it, suffocatingly sink into the depth of his soul.
Their fallout hadn't been a dramatic outburst. Just a quiet goodbye, like careful steps on creaky wooden floors. Seungkwan had watched him pass the threshold of what they used to call their home, unable to speak a word. One look, one nod, a final silent i love you.
It hadn't been a lack of love. No, their love had always and would always remain in a corner of their hearts. Just a common understanding that they were pulling each other towards a precipice. They were drowning, but they were drowning together.
The first days had been suffocating in a way only silence can explain. Every morning, he'd hope to open his eyes and see the stars engraved on his earlobe, or the way his beard would peek when he'd forget to shave. Instead, he was met with an unbearable emptiness.
Their home— or his house, had changed too. Walls were barren from Hansol's old band posters. Our room looks like a teenager's, Seungkwan had complained. But god he wished he could still complain about them , just to see Hansol roll his eyes one last time.
Everyone had seen it coming, the unexplainable pull between two lost souls, like colliding stars. However, no one knew if one would absorb another, or if they would just explode. They crashed right before taking over one another.
He had thought this would be for the best ; not even love can cure old wounds. But still, he felt like he was just sinking carelessly now, not even fighting it. He was standing on the coast fully aware of the tsunami warnings. He let himself breathe with his head underwater, hoping for the salt water to fill his lungs so he could feel him one last time. Feel the flood of him back in his veins.
He'd wondered if Hansol was standing on the same coast, or if he had finally gotten out. Finally emerged.
He tried to busy his mind despite it all, because thinking about it too hard would make his emotion burst and destroy everything in the way. He met up with friends, plastering a smile on his face and hoping they'd never ask what happened ? Maybe if he cared about Hansol less, he would've found words to express how it ended. He could just ignore their frowns and careful questions, it was easier.
The barrage didn't hold long enough, though. It happened on a Sunday winter afternoon. The first snow fogging up the already dark sky. Seungkwan had decided to go on a walk to clear his mind when he saw him, standing under a lamppost. His hair was short now, he could tell from how it wasn't peeking out from under his beanie. He was wearing a mask, and anyone else would've probably not recognized him. But not Seunkgwan, he'd recognize him anywhere, even in shallow waters. His breath created a cloud in front of him, but he could tell his tears were the ones blurring his vision.
Hansol looked back, and for once in months, Seungkwan felt the ocean inside his heart settle down. If he was turbulent waters, Hansol was the moon.
Time froze for a second. He could only see his eyes, but it was enough. I see you. I miss you. I'm sorry.
But most importantly, are you okay ?
The dam collapsed once his back hit his front door. His emotions were spilling out uncontrollably, destroying everything he had ever built. Waves were crashing violently in his head, breaking against his skull. He felt tears streak his face, but didn't bother to hide them this time. He just left himself feel.
When he woke up the next morning still wearing yesterdays clothes, his heart had settled. The storm had passed. Sure, everything around him was destroyed, taken away by the shock of the waves. But he could rebuild it, quietly, carefully. He could stand up, pick up the pieces, get out of the water, walk towards the shore.
Maybe one day they'd meet again, once both of their souls had found the way out. Maybe they wouldn't drown this time, just swim.