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Waking up was something I never thought I would dread, but I guess that changed after what happened. I really thought I would be fine but I guess not, it was all just a lie. It was all so I could keep it together during that moment. Your touch, your voice, your happiness that made me think everything would be ok, all ruthlessly taken away from me.
The fire changed everything. I tried to save you, but it was too late. I was too late. The pizza place was already half gone when I got there. I tried to rush in there but then I was stopped by a teenager looking no less than 17 or 18.
“Hey! How fucking stupid do you think you are for rushing straight in to a half burned down pizza place?!” screamed the pizza boy.
“MY FUCKING SON IS IN THAT FIRE!” I sobbed.
After I had said that he went dead silent. Then thoughts that I thought would never come back, came back. “You're a horrible person, you were given another chance but I guess you messed that up.” My legs started to buckle against my own weight.
My mind was getting heavy. The sound of firetrucks were now muffled. I was now on the floor questioning who I was anymore.
How in the world could you have messed up that bad, 7? Tears were already flowing out of my eyes. Why did everything I do never work out and why was I so pathetic?
Suddenly, the pizza boy from earlier was hugging me. It was such a simple action but it had been years since anyone had actually shown any acts of care.
People never really cared about me and I pretended to never care about them. It didn't really matter anyway.
This made me cry more. I never thought anyone would care but I guess not. The boy said “7n7, I'm sorry this happened to you”.
I knew this was far from the truth but I still believed it, because what else could I do? I cried and cried. The boy listened to me cry about my son and it was nice to know that someone cared enough about me to listen but then the thoughts came back.
I wasn't deserving of such love. The kid was a nice guy. He helped me calm down and get myself back together again or so he thought.
The fire took something away from me that I don't think I'm gonna get back. The one good thing that was ever given to me in this god forsaken world was this kid, but I had gone and fucked that up too. I was getting tired and felt there were too many people staring so I felt it was a good time for me to leave.
I went back home thinking it would be better for me, but I was so wrong. I had left myself alone with my thoughts. They all told me to do horrible things.
Then something told me I needed to be punished for how horrible of a dad I was. I had sworn to myself to never do this again but it was too late. I went to my bathroom and locked the door.
Then opened the cabinet. There laid a single razor blade calling my name. Was I really gonna end my 5 years of being clean? That thought came in. I pull up my pants to see all the scars. So many scars.
Was I really gonna do this? I deserved this. One cut. The pain stung, not soon after blood started to come out. This wasn't enough. Second. Then a third, then more than you could count.
More and more blood came out, and it was beautiful. Then I realized I had gotten a little carried away. Blood was starting to flow fast. Oh shit, I need to clean this up.
So I went to get the towel on the rack then wrapped around my thighs. Then I got the medical box. I grabbed the disinfectant too. So there I was sitting on the ground with my supplies.
So I got to work. I first got the disinfectant and poured some on a napkin. Then I wiped my cuts and it hurt. Holy shit. I wrapped them up in bandages. Then I decided to go to bed.
I woke up and realized it wasn't enough. I needed more. I had an idea. I had tried this once but I failed because my roommate from college walked in on me.
I was ready for it, I mean what else was there for me to lose. So I found a rope and tied it. I already knew how to do this because I almost did it last time.
Then hung it. I put my head in and then kicked the chair. After that my vision went black and I found my son had been waiting for me.
Or was it…