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Wanwood wasn’t ready for this. The pressure, the stress, the spiraling paranoia, it was all too much. She felt like she was going to collapse into herself like a dying star, unable to hold herself together. But if she didn’t do this, the pressure would just keep building, keep ballooning until she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She was stuck between two options: keep it bottled up until it explodes, or collapse under the stress. Implosion or explosion, neither sounded pleasant. But the only way out was forward; she can’t just keep sitting in place.
“Dusekkar..?” She asked, weak and hesitant. She always felt small around the mage, he was much taller than her, on top of levitating off the ground. He was powerful and commanding, skilled and talented, so much mightier than she was. She was just an orphaned fawn he had stumbled upon, small and helpless, that he had saved because he’s strong and loving. He’s just so big, and she’s so, so small.
It was the kind of largeness she found comfort in, like seeking shelter from the sun over a towering tree, or a tiny fawn hiding themself in long grass for safety. She felt safe in his shadow, a pillar of stability in a world that felt like it was falling apart around her. She knew he would shield her if it fell on top of her, but in this moment, she didn’t feel safe at all. Right now, she was terrified.
Dusekkar’s deerlike ears rose upon hearing her voice, head turning away from the pages of his book to look at her instead. “Yes?” he asked, closing his book to show his focus was solely on her. Under his gaze, she froze like a deer in headlights, unsure how to go about this. She felt like a helpless rabbit stared down by a wolf, so small and weak. This could go terribly wrong, she was risking everything for this, but what other choice did she have left?
“I… want to talk to you about something,” Wanwood requested, gripping her hands tightly close to her chest. She was really doing this, huh? This was the point of no return. Dusekkar turned around fully to face her, a look of curiosity and concern on his face. “Is that so? You can tell me anything, you know,” he assured her, placing his hooves on the ground and kneeling down to be more on her level. He wasn’t this imposing, larger-than-life figure, or the strongest mage in Robloxia. Right now, he was her dad, trying to comfort and assure her.
Dusekkar backed up, sitting down on the love seat of his study, likely because his legs couldn’t support his own weight like that for long. He patted the spot beside him with an encouraging, soft smile, one that could pull anyone in. Hesitantly, she followed him, fitting herself in right beside him. “What did you want to tell, you don’t have to dwell,” Dusekkar encouraged her, but she was left paralyzed.
Wanwood had no idea how to put it into words, she didn’t even know where these thoughts came from. She’d been forced to always look outward, searching for possible threats and dangers around every corner so that what happened to her would never happen again. She had to always be vigilant, she had to protect those around her, that’s why she asked Dusekkar to teach her magic.
For fauns, the does were the ones that mostly practiced magic, and yet the strongest mage was a buck, so she didn’t pay much mind at all. It was difficult, she was frustrated, but Dusekkar was a good and patient teacher. She excelled, she loved it! It made her feel strong and capable that she could defend herself, that she could defend others, that she could save others and prevent the tragedies she went through just like Dusekkar. She wanted to be just like him.
It was only when she felt safe that her motivations were no longer safety and security, that she was finally able to look inwards. She liked how dress-adjacent the robes mages wore were, she liked the feminine expectations doing magic had compared to what the bucks were expected to do, she loved it when others would call her “she” by accident, and hated it when they’d correct themselves. She hated how her antlers were starting to come in now that she was older, she just never knew why. But now that she was healing, she could ask those questions, and she was left to wonder… was she actually a girl? The answer came naturally to her; yes.
She wanted to tell someone, she didn’t want to hide. She wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but she knew that wasn’t safe. She had only just started to heal, the wounds of her birth parent’s deaths and the wiping out of her tribe starting to scab over. She was getting used to Dusekkar being her dad, not a replacement for her parents, but someone she could lean on and rely on now that she was alone. What if he disapproved, what if he got angry at her, what if he forced her to be something she was not, or left her? No, no no no no, it can’t happen again, she can’t lose him, she can’t lose her family a second time, she wouldn’t survive it a second time!
“Breathe, my fawn.” The gentle caring voice of Dusekkar coaxed her out of her spiral, a soft hand resting on her shoulder. She was hyperventilating, fight or flight beginning to set in. She wanted to run away, hide where he couldn’t find her, until he forgot she had even mentioned anything. But she had to say it; it would eat her alive if she kept it inside. She didn’t want to lie to him, and show him someone she wasn’t. He was so loving and kind to her, he deserved her honesty and sincerity. “Do not fret, whatever you say will not make me a threat. You can tell me what’s on your mind, it won’t change how we are aligned.”
Wanwood breathed in deeply, slowing her breathing and growing panic. She searched her mind for what to say, how to put these feelings into words, but came up blank. “Dusekkar, I…” her words caught in her throat, swallowing back the growing bile in her mouth. It was too late to back out now, she had to do this. “I don’t think I’m a boy anymore… I-… like being called a girl.” Wanwood squeezed her eyes shut and shunned away, bracing for impact. She expected some disappointed remark about how she’s wrong, or confused, or just going through a phase, or something far worse. Instead, an arm wrapped around her, pulling her close.
She slowly opened her eyes, looking up at Dusekkar. She expected to see an expression of disappointment, or shame, or anger. Instead, it was soft and comforting, like staring into the hearth of the home. “You are a sapling Wanwood, you’re supposed to grow. You aren’t meant to stay the same, who you are will ebb and flow. A leaf doesn’t stop being a leaf when it changes color, and a tree doesn’t stop being a tree when it sheds them. It’s my job to make sure you flourish, not cut off your stem. If that means you’re my daughter and not my son, then I’ll see to that it’s true. You’re so brave for telling me, and I’m so proud of you.”
Wanwood was a little confused: he always spoke in rhymes and metaphors and she never quite understood poetry and wordplay, but every word he said was full of consideration and understanding. No aggression, no judgement, just soft, kind words. Relief washed over her like cooling rain cleansing a drought, letting all the worry and doubt slowly trickle out of her. She wanted to melt into his words, huddle close to his fire away from the freezing cold of her trauma. Finally, she could let her guard down.
Tears swelled in the corners of Wanwood’s eyes, finally able to let all this fear out. The relief was overwhelming, a wave crashing on top of her. She didn’t have to keep holding her guard up, and now that it’s down, all of her bottled up emotions came spewing out. She was embarrassed to cry, but the dam had broken, and it’s all rushing out. She lunged for Dusekkar, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his cloak. Her voice hiccuped as she sobbed, melting into his embrace. He held her close, head resting between her budding antlers.
Dusekkar stood up in front of her, hands placed on her shoulders. He had this cheesy, shit-eating grin on his face like he was about to say a really bad joke. She looked up at him through teary eyes, sniffling. “What?” She asked, knowing he was going to say something stupid, she could see it on his face. “If im your parent, then that would make me-” he paused, lifting up his snake coiled staff before waving it in intricate patterns. He seemed to fade away right in front of her, becoming completely invisible. “Transparent!” She could hear the smirk in his voice, so proud of such a cheesy pun.
An airy laugh forced itself out of her swollen throat, shocked that she even laughed at such a bad, low-hanging joke. Despite how much she hated it, she just kept giggling, mixing together with her struggling sniffles and sobs. “How long were you waiting for that?” She asked, having a feeling he’d been holding that in for a while. “Much longer than I’m willing to admit, I just wanted to cheer you up a bit.” He admitted, flicking her chin playfully. She had to give him some credit, it worked.
Dusekkar lifted his now visible hand up to her face, wiping away the remnants of tears that dampened her cheek. “So, what would you like to do? I can refer to you by she if you prefer, I can find you some dresses to wear too! No need to start on a dime, you can always give it some time.” He offered, always being one for tracking problems and offering solutions. Wanwood hadn’t really given it much thought, she didn’t really think she’d get this far. “Well… I would really like to grow out my hair…” she admitted sheepishly, bringing her hand behind her ear to her locks. It was quite short, barely reaching her neck. She liked having it in dreadlocks, but she really wished it was longer.
“I think you would look wonderful with long hair, I’ll happily help you give it good care.” He cooed with excitement, his smile brimming and burning behind his cheeks. “What do you know about hair?” She stifled a playful laugh, gesturing to his completely bald pumpkin head. “I wouldn’t want you anywhere near my head looking like that.” She poked fun at him, earning a chuckle from the mage. “You can learn a lot of things from books, the “most creative” isn’t a title just for looks.” He replied just as playfully, floating above her. She looked up at him, smiling just as brightly. Her worries from before were just a distant memory, winter making its way for spring.
Dusekkar floated back down beside Wanwood, her head resting on his shoulder. “I love you as if you were my own, there is nothing you can do or say that wouldn’t make that so. I’m so happy to call you my daughter, and I your father.” He spoke warmly, arm wrapped around her shoulder to pull her closer. Wanwood couldn’t help but brim with joy and pride being called his daughter for the first time. She knew this was what she desired, but she couldn’t have imagined how happy it would truly make her feel. She was safe here, she was loved, she was supported.
“I love you too, Dad.”