Archive of Our Own

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...

Cold.

That was how Rui Kamishiro felt at that moment, sitting on the junior high school rooftop, clutching his knees to his chest.
Of course, he felt a lot of things at that moment. But if you'd asked him right then and there, he would've simply grinned and said "Cold." And really, who wouldn't be? Crimson and peach streaked the skies as the sun began its inevitable descent, and the teenager had forgotten to bring a jacket.
Or maybe he never planned to in the first place. Rui found himself thinking a lot like that these days; doubting opinions of himself, doubting memories, doubting if he was really 'him.'
Honestly, it was pathetic.

There was a railing on the rooftop, of course, one that blocked him from leaping off. Simple wire mesh. Too many suicides were happening to Japan's teenagers, and schools had tried to put in preventative measures ... But to the inventor, it was nothing he couldn't handle. Watching the blazing star be subdued by the horizon, he clutched a pair of garden shears equipped with various blades. Swiss Army knives, for one. Paper knives Steak knives.
It kind of makes you wonder: do you need that many blades just to cut wire mesh?

A breeze whistled past Rui, ruffling his unkempt purple hair. His yellow eyes, dull and wistful, blinked at counted intervals.
Today, he'd even added eyeliner -- hints of red and blue around the eyelids. Rui Kamishiro felt that if he was to die, he should at least look a little better than he usually did.

It wasn't as if he wanted to die then and there. Rui just ... needed to test it. Test how it felt. See if the voice speaking inside his head would quiet if he saw the drop from the rooftop to the road, where cars whizzed past, quick enough to finish him off.
Yeah. The voice that didn't yell, just whispered. Softly, but surely.
He glanced down, and immediately, nausea swarmed him. His pale hand shot out to grab the flimsy mesh fence, wrinkled white sleeve rolling down to reveal markings.
That's what he called them. Markings. Scars made it sound like they were made for a sad purpose. Scars made it sound like he was depressed and wallowed in self-pity.

Hah. No. Markings was a much better term. Just something that occurred. Just something that'd become natural.
Rui closed his eyes and let the wind do the talking.

It's so much. it's too much.
You have no friends. No one would notice.
"No, I ... "
Just fucking die already, you coward. Your very life is a burden on everybody you meet.
"Wait, that's not right ... They ... they said ..."
You're so weird. All you do is make weird stuff and drag people with you.
It's like you don't care what happens. You'll charge forward, even if it hurts them.
" I don't ... "
Why do you act like this?
A future? For someone like you?
Come on. You see the way they look at you. Look at you, wanting to die just because you have nothing. Where's your 'get-going' spirit?
Your fire? Isn't that what people are supposed to have?
"Stop. Shut up. I'm ... "
You want to die because you're tired? Don't joke with me. You want to die because you just ran out of things to live for.
"No, no. I .. I have ..."
You have no friends. People whisper your name like a curse. You're weird, and worthless, and really, no one would care, so just do it.
" They said ... they ..."
You don't even have a reason to feel this way. You have a lack of one. You're so pathetic, you know that?
You're so pathetic, you know that?
You're so pathetic, you know that?
" Yeah ..."

Rui coughed, then grinned wryly. Not a hint of happiness spilled from that bitter smile.
Dizzy. Lightheaded. Not thinking straight.
Wow, okay. Well, that answered the question.
That voice would not shut up. Not now, not ever. How can you ever win against yourself?

After a little while, his head stopped spinning, and his vision went back to normal. Once again, Rui's yellow eyes flicked to the street, and his hand reached for his pocket, pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper.
He paused, examining his hand. Rui's hand was trembling as it carried his goodbye notes.
One piece of paper was enough. One half for his parents ( ' I'm sorry. Not your fault. I love you. ' How do you tell someone you're going to die, and it's not their fault? Rui hadn't quite figured out this dilemma. ) and one half for ... for her.

For her. The one person who understood Rui. His smile twisted, and he glanced down once again.
There was one issue with wanting to die, and it was people who didn't want you to die. Their pink hair, flying in the wind, that smile that looked helpless and ecstatic all at once.
Sorry. I couldn't take it. I'm not like you. I could never be.
Rui's yellow gaze flicked back to the road, peering through the wire mesh like a tourist at the zoo.

Just as he'd thought. No blaring 'oh no I actually don't want to die. Gosh how could I ever want something like that !?!?' alarm went off in his head. If anything, as the wind threatened to steal his goodbye note away,
Well, that settled it. He'd come here to test how it felt, and it felt ... right.
It was a little earlier than Rui had perhaps predicted, but June 23rd felt fitting. The day before his birthday.
He leaned back, breathing out. Goosebumps began to rise on his skin, but he hardly felt them.
Guess it's time, hey?

Rui flicked out the garden shears, examining the bright green hue.
" Are you serious? You'd clash horribly with bright green. But, I mean, if you really want to, I guess we could put a clover in your hair ... "
He blinked. Shook his head.
Why was her voice coming up now?
Okay, whatever. Not the point.
Just like he'd practiced. One blade underneath, the other on top ... With a firm press, even the weakest of teenagers could snap a wire.
One down. Rui would need about forty to make a hole big enough to fit through. He glanced up, tipped his head to the side; an idea was forming, and his eyes sparked faintly. Rui could also climb up. He wasn't scared of heights, and it'd just take a few seconds ... Yes. Rui dropped the invention, ignoring the sharp clang that echoed on the concrete, and clamped his shaking fingers into the wire.

Mizuki?
Not right now, sorry. I ...
Be quiet. I don't want to remember.
Just reach up. Feel the cold wire pressing into your skin.
Hey, so you can still feel things after all. That's funny. That's not what they said.

I'm taking the easy route out, okay? I know I'm a coward.
Sorry. It's not your fault. You're the only one who really understands, and here I am, leaving.

Higher. Higher. I'm almost there. Just a bit more, and I can end it all.
I wonder how those people look when they hear I died.
Happy, probably.

Yes! One more! One more, and it'll all end!
I don't deserve an ending like this. But I'm selfish, and I'll take this route.
Yes. Higher. Reach. Grasp.

I'm getting closer to the the top ... Yes! Right there ...
Is that the sound of footsteps?
That's right. She's always been a good runner ...

Reach. Reach up, and ...

It all happened quite swiftly.
As Rui grasped for the final wire diamond, pushing himself up, firm arms yanked him hard from below. The sky, darkening with time, danced above him, the sun long gone. He'd barely had time to wonder how long he'd been here before slamming onto the concrete, pain soaring through his veins. And ... was that relief?

He lay there for a moment, dazed, then broke into a fit of coughing and gasping. Whoever had pulled him had smacked the wind out of him, and his vision was swimming in and out of focus. Plus, his whole body ached dully from the blunt impact -- save for his head.
Huh. Rui blinked. His head was elevated by something warm and ... was it trembling?
The pattern was of a brown plaid. Familiar. Come to think of it, there was some noise, too. It was soft and muffled, yet made Rui's heart wrench.
Sobbing.

So they spoke instead, face pink and contorted with tears. "Rui. Rui. Rui ..?"
He didn't answer. Moved his eyes away from their face and spoke, voice low and hoarse and holding back the urge to cry. " ... Hey, Mizuki. "

About seven minutes ago ...

Unlike Rui, Mizuki had come to the rooftop with the intention to die. She'd already left her goodbye notes on her desk, neatly folded up and inked with a dark purple pen, and had just needed to finish it off.
Unlike Rui, they weren't here because she was overwhelmed by too many tiny troubles, but rather, just one.

Ah ... for someone like me, this was expected.
"Weirdo! Why do you like girls' clothing? You're a guy!"
"A skirt? Akiyama, you can't be serious."
"Fashion? That's so girly. Why don't you take math or science?"
"You can come to my party if you don't wear a dress."
I ...
"Eew, why do you like girly things? Are you a girl?"
"Don't bother asking Mizuki to play."
"What?"
"You want to be called 'they?'
"Uh, sorry ... But you don't look like one."
"You'll always be a 'he' to me."
"You're a guy, Mizuki. Guys don't wear skirts and dresses and ribbons. Guys wear baggy pants and cool clothes."

I'm not a boy. I don't -- I don't know what I am, but I'm not a boy.
"So you're an alien?"
"Eew!"
"Don't go near Mizuki, or they'll abduct you! Ha-ha-ha!"
"Maybe they carry a virus ..."

"Akiyama, I dunno if we can hang out anymore. I mean ... it's like you want to be bullied. If you just stop wearing cute clothes and be more of a guy, we can still be friends ..."
Guys aren't supposed to kill themselves, either.
Well, guess I failed that. Again.

It would make them all too happy to hear that she'd died. The alien in the wrong body would no longer taunt them by existing.
They wouldn't even know that she'd discovered her real identity as a girl.
Hah. Mizuki gripped the door handle harder, noting Rui's unchanged position. She could imagine their faces if she told them that.

It'd start with confusion, then disgust, and occasionally, anger or sadness. Their face would twist, and they'd insist she was wrong.

Well, no point dwelling on the past. Sighing, they pushed open the door -- and froze, eyes wide.

Why was he here?
Stupid question, of course. For the same reason they were.
They were, or she was?

Those were the thoughts coursing through Mizuki's mind, still wearing the red vest and brown plaid leggings from their day at school.
Why was he here? And why was he sitting so still?
They couldn't help but flash a wry, sarcastic grin. You beat me here. Dammit.

Rui was there.
The one person who understood her.
The one person who'd sit with her for hours on end on the rooftop, sometimes ranting madly, sometimes sitting in silence.
The one person, outside of her family, who knew who and what they actually were.
Wait. He wasn't sitting down anymore.
She squinted, then grimaced. Hell no. No, no, no, no ...

Eventually, Mizuki caught him in a flying tackle-hug-hybrid, plunging both of them to the concrete. She shifted so that his head rested on her knees, vision watering as she stared down at him.
Messy hair, as always. A disorganized outfit, and ... was that eyeliner?
Hah.
Hahahahahaha.
What a stupid joke.

...

Present time ...

" ... Hey, Mizuki. "
He tried to grin, still not meeting her eyes.

"Rui ... Don't ..."
With that, they pulled away, leaving his head to meet with the concrete -- but the inventor caught himself in time and slowly sat up, rubbing his back.
"Don't you 'Hey, Mizuki' me," they muttered through gritted teeth, knees pulled up to their chest.

This was the hardest part of trying to die.
People who didn't want you to die.

Rui cleared his throat, guilt crashing over him like a wave. He was trembling, and not just because of the cold. It took a while to connect his words to his throat in an awkward murmur.

"Yeah. I shouldn't have. Sorry about ... " He trailed off. Sorry for wanting to die. Sorry for trying to kill myself. "Sorry to make you worry ...?"

Mizuki stared at him.
He cleared his throat, then looked away.
Silence. Then an odd sound, like someone was choking and laughing at the same time.

"Don't -" she gasped, grinning and grimacing, "don't say that, either! It's not your fault, you goddamn piece of shit!"

Stunned silence. Rui turned back to her, staring blankly.

"Haah ... But I wouldn't expect you to understand that. You've never known that it's not your fault, have you?"
" ... "

Mizuki shifted. It was their turn to look away, pink eyes downcast. "I just ... didn't know it got this bad. I mean, Rui -- you could've talked to me, you know?"
A brief pause. Then, faint chuckling.
"You're one to talk, Mizuki. You went to the rooftop as well, didn't you?"

" ... I did it because ... Uh ... "
"Don't even try to deny it."
"... Okay. Yeah. Okay."

Deep breaths. Silence, again, as wind blew through the teenagers' hair. With how pale they both were, it wasn't too much of a stretch to imagine them toppling over.
Rui sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"So ... why do you want to die?"
"So, Rui, why do you want to die?"
They spoke at the same time, then exchanged looks of shock.

"I -"
"You -"
"It's too much."
"It just ... became too much."

Neither are alarmed anymore. Mizuki chuckled softly, the beginnings of a smile dawning on Rui's face.
Then they both laughed some more.
Laughing at themselves, each other, the world.
Laughing at how stupid they were to try to kill themselves.
Laughing at how stupid the other was to try to kill themselves.
Laughing at the insane, fucked-up coincidence that led to both of them wishing to die on the same day.
Laughing at the sobs that wracked their bodies, the tears that didn't seem to stop.
Laughing at the other's quiet warmth, their backs pressed against each other, in the cold evening.

After a while, the laughter ceased. Cheeks wet and smiles grim, they leaned into each other, eyes closed.
"Dammit, Rui. Interrupting my death day."
He grinned despite her being unable to see it.
"Hah ... I could say the same for you, you know."
"Yeah, I mean, I just ..."
"... You don't have to explain."
Mizuki breathed out, watching the puff of air fade before speaking.
"I mean, it's really stupid, you know? Wanted to die 'cause I'm different."
"Wanted to die 'cause people say things about me."
"Wanted to die 'cause they didn't care."
"Wanted to die 'cause they made a joke out of me."
"Wanted to die 'cause they called me an alien."
"But that doesn't matter now, does it?"
They blinked, turning to Rui. "Huh?"
His eyes were still closed, peaceful and in pain all at once. "I mean ... We ...
We have each other now, Mizuki. You don't have to die anymore."
"I ... I never had to."
"Well, you felt like you did."
" ..." She turned away, slouching.
"Two peas in a pod, remember?" Mizuki could hear the grin in his tone, and it made them smile, if only slightly.
"... Okay, yeah. I get what you mean."

Then, Rui abruptly stood up; so abruptly, in fact, that he nearly fell over. Overgrown purple hair dangled in front of his eyes, casting a faint shadow over his saddened and bittersweet self. He held out his hand to Mizuki, who accepted it gratefully.
"It's time to go, then?"
"Yeah." She inhaled. "Time to live, I guess."
Yet they didn't move, only staring in shock at Rui, who cleared his throat awkwardly. "Uh? Is there ... something?"
"Yeah, there is." They grinned painfully. "Rui?"
" ... Yeah?"
"I'm gonna teach you how to properly put eyeliner on, okay?"
He blinked rapidly, then laughed. "Haha .. Is it that bad?"
Her expression said it all. Then they both smiled.

And so, the pair descended the stairs.

Neither had left their worries and doubts, of course. Those aren't the type of things you can lose in a day.
But they had been content with their lives as of then, and no longer felt as though they wished to die.
They did leave one thing, though ...
... A bright-green pair of modified garden shears.

...

"Hmhmhmhm ..." Mizuki turned for the doorknob, humming her current favourite anime opening. It was about sunset, so she'd have to be quick or risk running into Enanan.

It was different than last time, of course.
The high school rooftop was a lot larger than the junior high one, and the door was a different shade of grey, but of course, that wasn't what they were referring to.
They were different now, as well. Longer hair meticulously tucked into a curling ponytail, a pale purple sweater vest over their uniform, and glowing eyes that looked forward to the future. 'They' were themself now,
And, you know, Mizuki didn't want to die anymore, which was a bonus.

It'd taken a while, but ... here she was. Alive. Happy. Smiling.

Breathing out contentedly, Mizuki pushed the door open, then froze.
Then grinned, twirling one strand of her hair with in finger.

"Dumbass," Mizuki murmured affectionately, stepping out of the shadows. His hair was flying in the wind, each purple strand waving excitedly. He turned around, glowing yellow eyes soft and so alive. "Mizuki! Hello ~'

They glanced at him, stepping closer. "You really are a dumbass, you know."
"Right back at you." Rui's grin didn't waver.
"Coming up here a year ago," she continued, grinning. "Trying to die."
"You too, you know." He rubbed the back of his neck, unabashed.
"So, uh ..." Mizuki's voice quieted, and they angled themself slightly away. "Did you bring ...?"
Rui blinked, then nodded, pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper. "I did."
She exhaled, relieved it wasn't just her. Dark purple ink covered the paper Mizuki held, etched with goodbyes that no longer needed to be said. "Okay. Rui, you ... wrote one for me, right?"
"... Yeah, I did. Do you ... I mean ... "
"No." She grinned wryly, twirling her hair again. "No. I don't want to."

A brief yet comfortable silence. The pair walked to the fence, quiet footsteps echoing gently on the tiled floor. From there, they sat; Mizuki, crossing their legs, and Rui, sitting with one leg out and one in. He breathed out, gaze resting on the horizon.

"I'm happy -"
"I'm alive -"

They exchanged startled glances, then laughed. Yeah. They were, weren't they?
Rui was alive. Mizuki was alive. Both would have regretted it if they'd made that choice then.
And thus, they began to talk.
About lots of things, actually. Wonderlands x Showtime, and how it was formed. Nightcord at 25:00, and their newest songs.
Mizuki was surprised to hear Tsukasa's name, having known him through Saki, and Rui was likewise shocked to hear Mafuyu's name.
They laughed, teased, talked, and whispered before climbing down and parting ways, both smiling.
They didn't know what the future held. Didn't know what it would throw at them.

But ...

They were alive. And, gosh, to think neither of them would be where they were now if not for that fateful evening on the rooftop.

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