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When I was little the color green didn’t really matter to me, I knew it was there but otherwise I guess I never truly saw it.
As I got older I started to resent the color, made me sick to my stomach. I’d make excuses, say it was a useless color, that it was weird, stupid, gross even, just so I could see it dim even for just a second because the way it shined brighter than me felt like a punch to the gut.
I knew deep down I knew that it wasn’t true, nothing I said was.
Then high school hit. And that color brightened even more than I thought possible and it ached, felt like a chasm opened from under me and nothing could stop the fall, cause now everyone wanted that color and sometimes,.. sometimes the thought of that color not wanting me —back— snuck past the walls I had built and it hurt more than anything else cause I knew, I knew that it’d be justified and honestly I’d hate myself even more if it did want me.. because I knew I didn’t deserve it.
but it didn’t matter because in the end as always green was gross and It would never want me — no matter how much I wanted it to —
As the days progressed I slowly realized that green wasn’t gross or weird, or useless. It was rather pretty. Everything had a little green in it. They had it more than me, but I needed it more than anything.
I realized that green could live without me but I could never truly live without it, nothing would ever be the same without it, so I tried and tried and tried to fix what I had done slowly I was learning, but that didn’t help the guilt that settled into my gut —that felt like it was searing my skin, that had kept me up in the middle of the night crying so hard I threw up— every time I remembered what I had done, what I had said.
Everytime I looked a little too close to the cracks in the paint, or over analyzed the little colors that went into making this bright glorious green.
It hurt to look at it, but no matter what I couldn’t —wouldn’t— take my eyes off it, not for one minute —In case it slipped from what little hold I had that kept it next to me—.
I knew no amount of sorry would fix what I had done but I could still try and maybe,.. just maybe trying would finally be enough — enough for it to finally see me under its bright glow trying so hard to keep up —.
Nearing the end of high school I realized how much I had actually loved the color green. It was my favorite and deep down I think it had always been my favorite, no matter how hard I tried to push it away. No one could get me like that color, no one saw me like it did, no one made me feel like green did — like a constant flow of addictive adrenaline that set my body on fire every time it had given me even just a glance —.
If you hadn’t guessed by now I’m not talking about the color.
Izuku, no amount of sorry could show you how much I regret what I did —what I said—, you will always be my favorite person.
I need you more than anything else in this stupid fucked up world, more than myself. I would give up everything if it meant I could have you.
But that’s the difference between us, maybe it’s what I resented all along.. not the fact I could never truly be without you, but the fact you never needed me.
And maybe that’s my fault.
And I guess you're wondering why I wrote this letter? If I’m being honest I think it’s because I knew I wouldn’t make it back, deep down I knew that I wouldn’t see you guys again.
—see you again—
My dearest, Izuku, if you're reading this which I know in my cold heart —one that only you could make beat — you are, I love you, I always have, your my best friend, my world, my soulmate if you would, and I’m so sorry.
For what I did, for what’s happened —for not making it back— I know I promised, I know we had plans after this, I know I should have told you about this, but I don’t think anything would have —could have— prevented it.
Maybe I didn’t tell you cause I knew you’d be just fine without me.
Because I could never live without you, but you were never meant to live with me.
And for that I’m sorry —so deeply sorry my love —, sorry I couldn’t catch up, sorry we couldn’t do this longer but if I’m being honest I’m ok with how we left off cause I know you never needed me —even if I needed you—.
…
I love you, Izuku. So very much.