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You were finally more or less safe, free from the game. Free from your duties as a leader. But this didn't change the fact that you were so tense all the time, stress and self-loathing mingling to make you ridiculously on edge. The others had to notice, what with your yelling outbursts and insomnia, but they didn't say anything. Everyone was getting used to this. Everyone had their demons, and you were no different.
Survivor's guilt was rather peculiar. You could be doing something simple, like making breakfast or laughing at one of John's jokes and it would hit you like a ton of bricks. I'm alive. I'm alive when so many of my friends aren't. What did I do to deserve to be the one breathing? Why not Nepeta or Equius? Feferi or Tavros? I'm no better than them. All I am is a shitty leader who couldn't even keep his friends alive.
And then you could feel the tears in the corners of your eyes fighting to come out, and you'd bite your lip and pray nobody noticed. You had to be strong, keeping everyone together even now. For some inexplicable reason, when this happened, you wished you had a matesprit. Or rather, you wanted one specific troll as your matesprit. You were still the only one that talked to Gamzee, managing to maintain your moirallegiance through the end of the session. Occasional feelings jams only served to stir up those thoughts.
You wanted something out of a rom com. Gog, all you wanted was to be able to lose yourself in his arms: not be the leader anymore, just be Karkat. During your feelings jams, laying next to him on a pile, you wanted to lean over and kiss him. That easy smile, just for you. Those surprisingly strong arms wrapped around you. As much as Gamzee had really fucked things up after Dave sent him that video, now he was more or less back to his old self, though less spacey now that he was off the sopor. There was no reason everyone had to avoid him like the plague. In his current state, he wouldn't hurt a fly. And you knew it hurt him, seeing the other survivors scared of him. Your heart felt like it was breaking when he told you how sorry he was for what happened, how he wished he could make it better. Purple tears still stained your shirt from that day.
To make things worse, John had to go and ask you if you had a flushed crush on anyone. Sputtering, you replied, "And why would I fucking tell you if I did? Which I don't, not that it matters. I know he probably doesn't like me in a red way..."
Trailing off, you realize what you just said. "Shit! No, no, no. I didn't say that, John. You did not hear me say that!"
His knowing grin tells you that he most definitely did hear you. "Suuuure, Karkat. You can tell me, you know. I won't tell anyone."
Knowing you weren't going to get out of this one easily, you murmur it under your breath, barely audible.
"What was that?" he asks. "Could you say it a little louder?" Ducking your head, you repeat yourself, still talking softly.
"Seriously, I can't hear you," John insists. Cheeks burning bright red, you look him dead in the eye and whisper-yell "What part of Gamzee motherfucking Makara are you not understanding?!"
The look on John's face was pure relief. "That's good! I mean...he's who I thought you were going to say. Maybe you should talk to him, you never know. He might wanna be your matesprit or whatever too!"
Though you were a bit suspicious of John's reaction, you simply shook your head. Your friend meant well, but he didn't really know what he was talking about. Humans, with their idiotic one-quadrant system. Gamzee had never shown any signs of wanting anything other than a pale relationship. Then again, you didn't think you had either. Your daydreaming of a flushed relationship with your moirail was one of your most closely guarded secrets. What you and Gamzee had now was good, if not exactly what you wanted, and you didn't want to ruin it.
Wandering away from the human, you couldn't help but think more about what he said. Talking to Gamzee might reveal that the highblood felt the same way. Or he could reject your flushed solicitations and possibly even end your moirallegiance. Then you wouldn't have a single quadrant filled, much less one with the cheerful clown.
Your pathetic arguing with yourself was cut short by none other than said subject of your affections. Gamzee Makara.
"Hey Karbro," he murmured. "What's bothering you all up in your think-pan?"
Oh shit. What could you tell him? Fighting off a blush at being caught, you couldn't exactly come up with a convincing lie quick enough.
"It's nothing. Just stupid hoofbeast shit," you reply lamely. Not the best you could have done, but maybe you wanted him to ask. To find out. Then to hug you tight, say that he felt the motherfucking same way, and kiss you sweetly, just like in the movies. You wouldn't even care if his lips tasted like Faygo, or if he got greasepaint on you.
No, you didn't think you'd care at all. You'd have Gamzee as your matesprit, fucking finally. You wanted him as a matesprit AND a moirail, and you had a feeling that with him as your matesprit, it would be like having both. You couldn't imagine even the slightest possibility of feeling anything near black for Gamzee, but as far as redrom went, he was all you wanted.
You were jolted back to reality by his reply. "Nah man, I don't think it's nothing. You can tell me motherfucking anything."
This idea was so laughable at that moment that you snickered out loud. "No, Gamzee..I can't really tell you this."
You never failed to be amazed at how he seemed to make all your anger vanish. You'd be swearing up a storm with anyone else, but you simply didn't want to yell at Gamzee. You didn't need to.
"Well, why the motherfuck not?" He asked this while looking down at you with those glimmering eyes of his and dammit. Now you had to say it. You could not resist his puppy dog eyes.
Sighing, you hesitated. Before you could muster up the courage to just say it and stop acting like a grub, you started crying. That was great. Just great.
Concern flashing across his face, Gamzee hugged you tightly in what was, you had to remind yourself, the palest of ways.
"Karkat, what's wrong?" Burying your head in his chest, surely getting red tears all over the front of his shirt, you took a deep breath.
Sputtering, you could barely string a few words together. Pull yourself together, Karkat, you reminded yourself. For better or worse, the secret would be out in just a moment.
You blurted it all out in one breath, "Gamzeei'mflushedforyou," scared to look up and have to look him in the eye as he apologized and said he was only pale for you.
Suddenly, he tilts his head down so that you're eye-to-eye, a rather awkward maneuver given the height difference. "Motherfuckin miracles," he breathed, leaning closer still. Before you realize what's happening, Gamzee is kissing you and you're kissing back, his arms wrapped protectively around you, your back pressed against the wall. It was a scene straight out of a rom com.
After several long moments, he hesitantly pulls away, like he's not sure if you'll start screaming at him. You were rarely left speechless, but still out of breath and blushing vividly; all too aware of how close Gamzee still was, all you could say was "Oh. Wow."
You had no idea how he had gotten so good at kissing. He had never had a matesprit, and anything from his brief caliginous fling with Terezi wouldn't have been like this- all sweetness and comforting, like you were something precious.
Grinning, Gamzee said simply, "Flushed for you too, Karbro."
"I'd hope so. That kiss sure as hell wasn't pale," you retorted.
"It wasn't motherfucking meant to be," he laughed.
"So, are we matesprits now or..?" You didn't finish, not even wanting to voice the much less desirable option. Remaining moirails and just forgetting about it.
Gamzee nodded, smile growing even wider. "Yeah. Yeah Karkat, we're matesprits." As if only then realizing his position, he tried to start disentangling himself.
Seizing a burst of confidence more characteristic of yourself, you smirk and shake your head. "You don't need to do that." Tugging him back to where he was before, you press your lips to his again. He actually did taste like Faygo, but you didn't mind. It was kind of endearing and made you pity him that much more.
This was absolutely perfect. You were so absorbed, you couldn't care less about the fact that someone could walk in on you at any moment. A few minutes passed in silence, until your matesprit pulled away for a moment and, involuntarily, you made a needy little whining sound. Needless to say, you were mortified. Gamzee, on the other hand, was quite amused. "Anybody else wouldn't think it was possible for you to act like this, with how angry you are all the time. So I'm glad I get to see this miraculous sweet side to you, bro."
You let yourself smile even more, practically seeing his indigo blush even through his face paint. "You are my matesprit after all. I think you deserve that much. After all those feelings jams you know I'm not really like that anyway."
Tired of having to be hunched over in order to kiss you properly, Gamzee sank to the floor; grabbing your hand and pulling you down onto his lap. For once, you're grateful that your horns are so nubby. It allows you to sit together like this without worrying about stabbing Gamzee's neck accidentally.
The past few minutes were, without a doubt, some of the best of your life. Not even in your most indulgent fantasies did you realistically believe anything like this would happen. Maybe John sometimes knew what he was talking about.
Just then, John appeared, wandering faux-casually by. As he approached you, he smiled and flashed a double thumbs up. It seemed like he was trying to encourage you to confess, maybe he thought you were having a feelings jam? You looked at him and nodded before turning your head and kissing your matesprit again in response. That was easier than telling John you already had, and explaining to Gamzee the whole embarrassing story. Besides, you wanted to kiss him anyway.
Your human friend grinned at you, mouthing the words "Good job, Karkat." No doubt he'd want to hear all about it later. But right now you didn't care about that. Lord English himself could come down the hallway and you wouldn't be able to pull yourself away.
Admittedly, the floor outside of John's respiteblock was not the best location for cuddling and sloppy makeouts. But this was so nice, you didn't want to move. A part of you was worried that you'd wake up and find out you had passed out from exhaustion and it was all just a dream. Resting your head against Gamzee's chest and relaxing for the first time in Gog knows how long, that felt real. His voice murmuring "Flushed for you," that had to be real. Even so, you were nervous. Losing him...you couldn't take that. Not after all you'd been through.
You were so relaxed, relieved, and above all, so happy. Surprisingly enough, you felt yourself getting a little sleepy. For months, you had been sleeping irregularly at best. Without recuperacoons it was tricky, and the sheer weight of your stress kept you awake. Now though, it might be kind of nice. Clinging drowsily to Gamzee, you tried to fight off sleep.
You must have dozed off, because you wake up to movement. Half-opening your eyes, you realize Gamzee is carrying you to your makeshift block. After he sets you down on the shitty human bed, you reach out and grab his arm. In a longing, sweet tone of voice you'd be embarrassed of if you were fully conscious, you begged, "No, don't go."
You see his adoring smile through sleep blurred eyes. "Wouldn't dream of it, bro," he reassured. As promised, he settles down next to you, hugging you close to him. "Now shoosh, Kar. You need your motherfucking sleep."
You managed to turn around and kiss him again before drifting off to sleep. Idly, you wondered how the others would react to having Gamzee more obviously around. You weren't satisfied with sneaking around in the shadows anymore. There was no reason you had to. Those nooksniffers could deal with it instead of practically running away every time your matesprit walked around the corner. He posed no threat to them anymore.
Later you woke to feathery kisses along your face and neck. Noticing you were awake, Gamzee let out a happy honk and then frowned slightly, apologizing after seeing you flinch. You couldn't help it, after his killing spree, the honks still freaked you out. "Sorry, I forgot that still startled my little miracle," he said sheepishly.
"It's fine, Gamzee," you mutter in as soothing a tone as your just-woke up voice can manage. It takes a moment to click, but then it hits you. He said "my little miracle." Slightly surprised at how casually he could say that, you smiled to yourself and added just as casually, "You're my miracle too."