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What the fuck was I thinking? This was stupid, and I knew it, but in the moment I couldn't think past the cold comfort of the blade and the warmth of the blood trickling down my arms and pooling on cabin five's counselor bathroom's sink... one last time, I told myself, this is the last time, I'll quit after this. But I also told myself that last time, and the other. But I kept seeing them, all of them. My brain was being a dick once again, which was usual "Oh, Clarisse, you're disgusting, your father hates you, you'll never bring honor to Ares" blah, blah, blah, whatever, old stuff I've learnt to get used to and ignore over my time in cabin five, but this time it was harsher, the type of harsh that made me want to punch a wall and cry and scream and strangle Sherman (even if I already want to strangle Sherman on a daily basis regardless of the situation...). Why was this stupid? Well, William fucking Andrew godsdamn Solace, my bestfriend, and now medic, who just happened to be twelve... or maybe thirteen, not that his age matters, although I would not want my life or health in the hands of an seventh grader no matter how much of Apollo's blood they carried, but because him and the the idiot, centuries old centaur we were cohorsed into calling "mentor" decided I apparently am "unstable", which given the situation right now you might think is a right label, but I can assure you I'm completely and perfectly stable. Just not in this moment, but gods' forbid a girl has a bad day and decides to, as the Stolls put it, "crash out", regarless, the problem is that I have to "go to therapy" with mr. D because that is something we have now for some reason, I guess?? Prissy needs it way more than me... and when was that to treat Luke's fucking daddy issues? Well, doesn't matter, my shirts are sleeveless, because sleeves are not necesary at all, and they bother me, what's even the point of sleeves at camp anyways? It's sunny all year long and even if it wasn't they're just annoying, so I cut the sleeves, no matter how short they already are, off of all my shirts. And now I kind of understand why some people like sleeves, because it's either that or let them think they're right, and I would rather die than let anyone think they're right about something about me. Or let them carry something like that. It doesn't even matter that much, I'll just steal one of Sherman's sweatshirts, the kid has grown this year, like a weird growth spurt or something, he was like 5 foot something last year and now the brat's taller than me, even after my father's blessing, which is totally, completely and utterly unfair. But atleast I can steal his clothes like the little bastard used to steal mine, although I should probably do it soon... it's pretty late and the whole cabin is asleep, a rare ocurrence knowing how many of them like to stay up late past curfew to fight without supervision, something I've noticed, which may sound stupid, is that they're calmer when there's no supervisors around.
But back at the problem at hand, I should probably clean up the mess before 2 am hits because I have to wake up earlier than usual tomorrow... and 2 am will be in... fifteen minutes, alright, Clarisse, don't panic, you've done way more tedious tasks in less time, but for some weird reason it feels harder to do anything right now, I kind of just want to lie down on the floor and stay in the cold tile, but it's not like I have time to do that, the older blood will dry in about three maybe four minutes if I'm lucky because it's already been there for quite some time... I can just turn on the sink and grab a towel or something and then I just need to wrap up my scars, put the dagger back in the weapon chest (obviously cleaning it up first), steal Sherman's sweatshirt, hide it in my cabinet for tomorrow and go to sleep... no pressure... nope... why would that pressure me? I just gotta put my mind to it and I'll have it done in no time...
I opened the drawer from under the sink and skimmed over whatever shit I'd put there before, until I found an old packet of wet wipes that's probably been there since before I even got to camp, but it's good enough, I hope... I turn on the sink, letting the water liquidify the blood a bit more before grabbing one of the wipes and start scrubbing it off as best as I can, after that I pick the medkit off of the wall, opening it and grabbing one of the bandages and a bottle desinfectant, rubbing it on the wounds... the sting was reassuring... and bandaged it, leaving a bit of the sanitizer to keep atleast some of the burn.
I turned off the water and got out, as quietly as I could, walking up to the shared wardrobe, which is basically a glorified re-used old cabinet, opening the drawer with Sherman's name, taking one of his red sweaters with our cabin number, I don't know why he even has so many of those, he never wears them and he's alway complaining about being too hot. I rolled my eyes and made myself stop thinking about it, hiding it on my drawer, under some shorts. Then, as if nothing had happened, I laid back on my bed, trying to force my mind to stop thinking about everything and just fall asleep, which is something I should've done a few hours ago, but that doesn't matter anymore.
I got woken up by a mix of direct sunlight to my eyes and my brothers' fightning, which shouldn't surprise me because, well, when are they not? I stand up, rubbing my eyes and go to assist the situation because that's what cabin counselors, and older siblings, do... or Silena used to say something like that...
Sherman was the first one to yell after I got there - "I KNOW YOU TOOK IT, ELLIS, YOU'VE BEEN EYEING IT SINCE MARCH"
"NO, I HAVEN'T! WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR STUPID, GROSS, SWEATY CLOTHES?! YOU'RE CRAZY! CRAZY"
"OH, SO THEN YOU'RE SAYING MARK STOLE IT?!"
Mark joined into the yelling match - "WOW, ELLIS, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. NOW YOU'RE ACUSSING ME OF STEALING SHERMAN'S UGLY ASS SWEATER"
"WHAT?!? NO I DIDN'T! STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH"
"I'M GONNA PUT MY FIST IN YOUR MOUTH"
"SHUT UP. THREE OF YOU." - I stopped, walking in between my siblings to quiet them down
"BUT CLARISSE, THEY—"
"SHUT UP, YANG"
I hear him barely whisper under his breath - "Okay, Clarisse..."
"Nobody stole anything."
I glared at all three of them, seeing as Sherman anted to intervene again, gods, does he ever shut up?
"You hear me? Nobody. Stole. Shit. From. Anyone." - I sighed - "even if someone did, we're siblings. We share. Shut up, Ellis."
Ellis crossed his arms
"What's on your schedule for today"
They all muttered their schedules, if that was even muttering
"SPEAK UP, MAGGOTS. ONE AT A GODSDAMN TIME"
I saw them flinch and almost felt bad for yelling at them
Almost.
They should've gotten used to the yelling, with father and the daily fights.
If they hadn't that was their fault for being soft
"You know what? Don't even tell me, I don't care. Just go do whatever you have to do. Now. I have a doctor's appointment"
"YES, MA'AM" - all three of them said, incordinated, but it made me feel a weird feeling of proudness in my chest, I'd taught them well, I've already taught them everything I learned in my time, both and camp and outside it, mostly during quests, so what's the point in staying? It's not like they would miss me, and I didn't have anyone but them anyways.
I groaned and went back to sit on my bed with a groan, waiting for them to get out.
All three of them scrambled out, grabbing some weapons, backpacks and books, because if you stay at camp full time you still have to do classes and school, as if fightning monsters and sparring eachother on a daily isn't enough of a workout, we also have to work out our brain, I mean, I get why an Athena kid would want to, but why do WE need to do that? We're only useful to fight until we're not and then we leave camp, if we even live to be old enough to leave camp, which is already a rare and almost imposible ocurrence as a demigod; once everyone ran out and left me alone I allowed myself to take a proper breath. I went to pick up some clothes to wear, throwing them on and then putting on Sherman's sweatshirt, did he really cause all that drama for a fucking sweatshirt, an ripped one at that. Maybe it held emotional value? Sile... she taught me that word, I don't think I've ever had anything with emotional value for me, it's probably because I always run away like a coward and leave everything behind. Not that it mattered anyways, I've never felt the need for one of those.
After putting on my clothes and wrapping my bandana around my head I walked out of cabin five, locking the door before walking to the Big House, where a blonde kid, a centaur and a had-been legendary god who now takes care of hyperactive weird kids were waiting for me on the porch with stern expressions, except for Will, he was doing what I've given myself the freedom to call his doctor handwriting face, pathetic name but it sticks after a while, just like that stupid face he makes when he tries to look dissapointed, which works for some reason, he makes me feel ashamed, dumb Will...
"Clarisse..." - mr. D groans, arms crossed, Percy would've probably protested at that if he was here, mr. D only calls him by random names, but he never does that to me - "professor hay for breath here has told me you need help"
I glance down at the floor - "I don't..."
"You do." - Will says, matter of factly in an annoying high pitched voice
"Shut it, Solace"
"You first."
Chiron stops the bickering, if you can even call it that - "Clarisse La Rue, William Andrew Solace. Act your age."
"I'm thirteen" - Will reminds him
"No way." - I laugh - "you look eleven at best"
"I am thirteen, Clarisse!"
"Are you sure?"
"I think I am sure of my age!"
"You think? Seriously? I thought you didn't do that considering you always act like you don't"
Before he even could try to answer Chiron hurried me into the inside of the big house, Will and mr. D following behind.
"So, Clarisse, what has been troubling you lately?" - horsedude said the second I sat down
"Nothing, I've already told you."
"Clarisse, there is something wrong. You have been isolating yourself and..."
Will interrupted him - "Wait, hold up. Why are you wearing long sleeves, you spent your last visit to the infirmary complaining about them"
"I'm cold." - I explained, hoping my poker face was good enough - "I'm probably just coming down with an illness or something"
The kid nodded like I just told him the most obvious thing in the world, damn, Clarisse, you could get an acting career, if you fool Will then... I saw mr. D raising his eyebrow... right, god of theater, doesn't matter, it will just slide past him, he's old
Chiron sighed - "Clarisse, we are gonna need you to tell the truth"
I stood up with more force than necesary
"I AM TELLING THE TRUTH!
"Calm down, Clarisse."
"I DON'T NEED TO CALM DOWN AND I DON'T NEED THIS 'INTERVENTION' SHIT, I'M FINE"
"Clarisse."
"YOU'RE ALL ACTING LIKE I'M CRAZY. I'M THE SAME AS ALWAYS, AND I SWEAR ON MY FATHER'S SPEAR IF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH–"
"CLARISSE LOUISE LA RUE, SIT DOWN IN THIS INSTANT."
I felt my body shrink at that, I hated when authority figures yelled, it made my head hurt and it made me remember stuff I barely remembered, mostly my parents yelling and then me cleaning and covering up fresh bruises and wounds, plus it had been, what? Nine, maybe ten years since I heard my second name, I was pretty sure no one even knew had one, and with reasoning, I don't think I've ever actually said it, maybe it's because I've never like it... which is the best option. It's a pathetic name, Louise... I don't know, it's never called to me, it's never been mine in the same way Clarisse is, probably because I've never used it half as much...
Will's voice even higher, mouth wide open in awe - "your middle name is Louise?"
"Yes, it is. Don't waste it..." - I mutter, sitting back down, glaring at the floor, my arms crossed over my chest
"It doesn't fit you" - he nodded
"That's why I don't use it, smartass"
"I wouldn't use it either."
"Good thing is not your middle name then. Are you always this dumb? Or are you just dumb most of the time?"
"I'm never dumb! You're dumb!"
"Oh, right, you're just being stupid and annoying right now"
Chiron clicked his hooves to get out attention - "William, come here and stand on my side, child"
Will rolled his eyes when he called him that but moved a chair next to Chiron and sat down with his legs crossed
"Dionysus, how about you come here too, do me a favour"
"I don't feel like it"
Chiron's smile tightend and I thought he was going to yell at mr. D like he yelled at me but he just took a breath and turned back to look at me
"Clarisse, I get that you have been, well, at one of your lowest points since you got to camp-"
I cut him off - "Can you stop acting like you give a fuck about me?"
"Stop swearing in front of Will."
"You see?! YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME, YOU CARE MORE ABOUT ME SWEARING IN FRONT OF A KID"
"THAT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH, CLARISSE, WE ARE TRYING TO HELP"
"I DON'T NEED HELP FROM ANYONE IN THIS STUPID CAMP. MUCH LESS YOU."
"You are going on lockdown." - Chiron declared
"Excuse me?!"
"You are not mentally healthy, Clarisse, this is for your own good"
"You can't do that."
"Chiron. Do I have to remind you I'm camp director? I will make that decision" - mr. D laughed, walking up next to him
"I am looking out for our campers, Dionysus."
"Yeah, well, maybe you should let the kid take her time opening up, you know how her fath–"
"You both know I'm still here, right?"
Dionysus smirked - "Exactly, Chiron, she's still here, let's talk about her in private"
"Yes, because it definetely brings me a sense of security knowing you are going talk about me in private"
"Was that sarcasm?" - Will asked from Chiron's side
"What do you think, moron?"
"I'm the moron?! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GET PUT ON LOCKDOWN"
"Shut up. Both of you, brats. Chiron, let's talk in the game room"
Will's voice assaulted my ears, why does he still have vocal chords? Should I rip them off? - "THERE'S A GAME ROOM?"
Both of the adults decided to ignore him, something I can't blame them for, and walked off to talk shit about me and my family line in private, something I can't blame them for either
Looking at the clock I felt Will's eyes on me
"Are you gonna keep staring at me or are you gonna ask me what you want to, Solace? - I said, breaking the silence
"Why are you sad?"
My eyes widened - "Will, what?"
"I know you're sad. Don't try to lie"
"You don't have to worry about that, kiddo"
"I'm not a 'kiddo', Clarisse, and I'm not blind... please?"
"I'll tell you when you're older" - I smiled
Will groaned, I ruffled his greasy, stringy, ugly hair, standing up along the way
"Have you been using your crutches?" - he raised an eyebrow
My silence apparently gave away the answer
"Clarisse!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, geez, kiddo, I don't need 'em, I'm alright"
"I prescribed them for a reason!"
"I already said I'm sorry!" - I said, putting my hands up, then I smirked a bit - "have you been using your binder for more than eight hours?"
He didn't answer
"Huh... have you been falling asleep with it on?"
He didn't answer
"Will!" - I said, mimicing his tone
He frowned, crossing his arms - "That's not fair."
"Isn't it?" - I leaned to reach his height
"You're mean"
"Am I?"
"Very mean" - he declared finally
"I'll take it"
"It was not a compliment!"
"I'm an Ares kid, Will, calling me mean is one of the best compliments you can give me"
"Well, then you're nice" - Will corrected with a self-sufficient smile, bet the little bastard's very proud of himself for that one
I gasped dramatically, playing along
"How dare you?!"
He shrugged, smiling wider
"You're a monster! That is so cruel, the worst thing anyone has said to me!"
The worst thing anyone said to me was father telling me he was going to—
"Well, you deserve it for being so kind"
I grit my teeth, trying to sound as annoyed as I could - "Will, quit it."
"Look at you asking me to quit instead of just making me shut up by choking me, so sweet of you"
"I will choke you, Solace. Don't test me."
"Alriiiight, I'll stooooop" - Will dragged out every word, sounding miserable as ever - "you're no fuuuuuuuuuun"
"I'm no fun?!"
"No fun."
"I know you're not talking, Dr. Boring"
"It's dr. Solace"
"Oh, is it? I could've sworn it was dr. Boring..."
Chiron's hooves clicking interrupted our beautiful, very normal conversation, mr. D laughter coming short after that
"What were you two talking about?" - Chiron asked, trying to make it all less awkward, I guess
I covered his mouth because I knew he would play victim and snitch, the little shit licked my palm, making me pull away, gross! I wiped it on my shirt and he let his words spill out the second he could - "Clarisse called me dr. Boring!"
After that he smirked at me, I never noticed he had two teeth missing... did that fucking bitch just snitch?!
"YOU SNITCH!"
"Don't beat him up just yet, Clarisse" - Mr. D sighed
"Yet?" - I smiled and raised an eyebrow
"Yes, yet, beat him up later for all I care, I'll even help"
"I am gonna quote you on that"
Chiron pursed his lips - "No beating up campers, Dionysus, we talked about this"
"You said not to turn campers into dolphins!"
"I also told you not to beat up campers after the fifteenth time you tried to—"
"Nobody cares." - I put one of my hands on my hips - "am I going on lockdown or not."
"Well, we have talked about this and—"
"We'll wait to see how you're doing, then we'll make our choice." - mr. D completed
Chiron shaked his head - "Why do you all keep interrupting me?"
Mr. D and I shrugged
"So... I'm dismissed?" - I tried
"Yes, just leave." - mr. D waved me off
Chiron nodded - "Can you take Will to his cabin too, please, Clarisse?"
Will glared at Chiron
"Don't beat him up." - he added
"Thank you!" - Will breathed out
"Also, Clarisse, you don't have teaching duty today."
Teaching duty, a.k.a: teaching new, uncordinateed brats how to use weapons and make them run drills over and over again, a.k.a: literal hell.
I try to keep my sarcasm to a minimum. Sadly, it doesn't work - "Oh, no, I don't have to babysit seven year olds, whatever shall I do?"
"You also have an actual two hour therapy session with mr. D before dinner!" - Chiron said, way too cheerful for what the news were
"Excuse me."
Mr. D sat down on a couch, putting his legs crossed on the armrest - "Oh, trust me, I'm not excited for it either."
I groaned, grabbing Will's hand, pulling him out of the big house, he trailed behind me, losing speed along the way to his cabin
"Will, for the gods' sake, WALK FASTER."
"I'M WALKING AS FAST AS I CAN, I HAVE SHORT LEGS!"
We finally got to cabin seven, after a lot of arguing and a lot of weird looks of confused campers.
Will stopped halfways to his door, turning back - "Clarisse, you wanna stay in the cabin? I got kitkats and vitamins."
"Ohh, trust me, I would love to, but I don't wanna. And I don't feel like listening to Austin's saxophone's up close! I already do from my cabin."
He turned back and walked inside so I felt free to walk to my cabin too.
The walk there was boring, people were either in class or training, so the only thing I could hear was the clashing of swords and the ocasional celebrating of the winners and sulking of the losers, most people at camp are sore losers, especially, if they lose to someone who is in the rival cabin. Obviously, I wouldn't know! I always win... the only time I've lost something, or well, someone, was... Silena... but that's not important, I'm sure she's fine, I like to tell myself she's in Elysium, happy... unlike how she was here. I knew she wasn't happy, I knew she hated being a demigod, I knew she just wanted to leave at eighteen and forget the gods and everything that had to do with them. But I didn't expect her to join Luke... I guess, I just hoped that if she ever had a problem or a thought like that, she'd tell me, foolish, I know. I don't know why I ever thought being close to someone so sweet would be positive for me. It just pulled me away from training. It's not like it matters anymore. She's dead. Sometimes I still see her, in dreams and shit like that, corny, yeah, it'll go away, I'm sure
After a while of walking the door of my cabin greeted me, I took the key out of my pocket, because now the cabins are locked with keys only the counselors have to keep some people (Chiron didn't want to point fingers, but we all know it's the Stolls) from stealing stuff from the cabins, is it working? I would like to say it is, but I would be lying, those bitches sneak in though any crack they see, they're like rats. Which they are, so it's fitting of them to do that. I should beat them up sometime next week... they deserve a good old swirly, even if it's saved for newbies, I'm sure I could make an exception for someone like them if they keep sneaking in.
Once I walked in I threw myself onto my bed, today has been a stressful day, ignoring that it wasn't even noon, and I was tired. I should just take advantage of the free time I have because of not having to teach babies by taking a nap.
And that's what I did.
I feel asleep fast, which was unusual, usually I just stare at the ceiling and wait for the exhaustion to eventually it, as it always does, even if sometimes it takes a few days for it to actually work, then, the only thing I have to do is sleep through the nightmares, which is pretty easy once you get used to them, and trust me, you get used to them fast when you have to deal with them as much as I do. Sure, sometimes some of them are worse than others but they're all pretty similar, I forget them the morning after regardless.
Or so I thought until then.
In my dream I was in my cabin, in a day I still remember too much, Silena was in front of me, begging for me to get cabin five to fight, almost crying, telling me how much they needed our help... I tried to say yes, but I couldn't, I would do whatever to say yes... I would do whatever to change how that fucking day went, I wish I hadn't been so prideful, I wish I hadn't argued with Michael, I wish I had just trusted Silena and fought. But I didn't. And we all know how that went.
After that I was in Mahnattan, a mix of screams and sobs flodded my ears almost immediatly, the smell of blood and rotting, burning bodies was overwhelming and made me want to vomit, the worst part is that my body remembered the smell, it remembered exactly where to go and what to do.
Before I could think twice I heard my own voice repeating the words that ran through my mind every night and day, the ones my brain liked to repeat when it was late and dark and I couldn't sleep because self-loathing is the newest fab in sleep enhancers.
I started walking towards Silena agaisn't my will, my body now out of my control; I closed my eyes tightly, knowing it wasn't happening, it was all a dream, if I just focused I'd wake up.
Obviously it didn't work, because I hate myself, apparently.
When I opened them back I was in her funeral, wearing black even as the blazing sun burnt my back, and it all felt so real, too real, because it was, that did happen.
Silena died.
My Silena.
On August twelfth Silena's pyre was burnt alongside others.
Hers was a hot pink color, decorated with an embroidered electric spear.
My spear.
You couldn't miss the pyre, it immediatly took all of your atention towards it, just like Silena did, it was nice knowing she'd always be the center of atention both in life and death.
I was then taken out of my misery.
By Sherman's voice, which, to be fair, is another kind of misery, so I wasn't actually taken out of it.
He was shaking my shoulders, some of our half-siblings hidden cautiously behind him as if I was going to hit them or yell at them any time.
Smart kids, I probably would.
"Clarisse? Uhm... Chiron is looking for you? He says you have a... 'therapy' session with mr. D?" - Sherman winced, waiting for a strike.
"What's therapy?" - I heard one of the younger kids whisper.
Ellis shrugged, almost as confused as them.
I stood up, stretching quickly and pulling the sleeves of the red sweatshirt back into place
Sherman's eyes widened - "Is that my sweatshirt?"
"Nope." - I said before leaving the cabin, I wasn't sure where our lazy camp director was, no one ever was, but I assumed he would be on the big house porch, betting the little money he got in poker games against satyrs that are still terrified of him after all these years for some reason.
I was right, obviously, when am I not?
He waved me over, throwing the deck of cards back on the table, some of cards getting blown onto the floor
"Clarisse. You didn't make me wait three hours for you, great, some of the brats in this camp could learn a thing or two from you"
I rolled my eyes, and walked inside the Big House once again, , mr. D came in shortly after
"So?" - I asked - "what am I supposed to do?"
"You gotta tell me your problems."
"I don't have any problems."
Mr. D burst out laughing, squeezing the (hopefully) empty can of diet coke
"What are you laughing about?!"
"Oh, just the fact that you said you don't have problems, as if!" - he laughed harder, as if just the thought of that was a hilarious punchline to the joke that was my life
"Well, I don't so I don't know what to tell you"
"Tell me the truth."
I sneered - "I am."
"Oh, are you, Clarisse?" - he raised an eyebrow - "do you think I was born yesterday?"
"I don't know, were you?"
"Don't get smart with me, kid"
"I'm not getting smart with you. I was just asking if you were"
"Well, maybe I was born yesterday" - mr. D stood up and grabbed another diet coke - "look, Clarisse, I know you ain't open or any of that shit, but you have to talk. I know you ain't doing well and Chiron wants me to help you figure out how to deal with your emotions and feelings"
"Good thing I don't have any of those."
"You don't have feelings? Not even rage?"
I thought for a second... no, I don't think so... I don't think I've ever felt rage, actually... it just feels too specific
"Well, that kind of feelings are exceptions." - I huff - "I'm an Ares kid, 'course I feel those."
"Talking about that, how do you feel about your father?"
"What."
"What is your relationship with him? Do you look up to him? How do you feel towards him"
"Why are you asking that? What does he have to do with this?!"
"Clarisse, calm down. It's important."
"No. It. Isn't."
"Clarisse."
"I don't wanna talk 'bout him"
"Sensitive topic, then..." - He muttered under his breath
"He just doesn't matter..."
"Clarisse, demigods' godly parents matter to them, and I know Ares matters more than he should to you, Chiron has told me how you act around him and how you try to make him proud"
"I act normally around him and I don't 'try to make him proud', I am just better than everyone and I try, unlike most people here."
"Alright, gaslightning a god... great idea" - He laughed, drinking his whole can in one sip - "look, I want to be here as much as you, but I want you to get better, if you aren't gonna talk truth you might aswell leave, we'll have more sessions want it or not, and eventually you'll crack."
"I'll see myself out then."
I stood up, loudly, and left, closing the door with what was probably more force than necessary, but I was making a point, and I could've broken it, they should be grateful.
I walked, well, ran, off to the communal bathroom in my cabin, I like to take a shower every night before dinner, and if you want to shower in the Ares cabin you have to get there early (or fight for your spot), it gives me a sense of normalcy, something you don't get often as a demigod, much less if you actually live full time at camp, since most mortal, and normal, regular things are banned (unless you can get the Stolls or Rachel to sneak them in), something that sucks a lot.
Once I got there I put on my pair of red shower slippers and stepped in, the water was warm
After a while it got hotter
And I let it.
Then hotter
And I let it.
Then it started burning my skin
And I let it.
Because I knew I deserved it
So I let it burn.
Until there was a knock at the door, and then another, then louder
Before I could grab a towel my siblings were already yelling at me to get out
"Clarisse! You are gonna use up all the hot water!" - Sherman screamed, it was a half-groan and I rolled my eyes, can he stop being annoying for two seconds?
I reached out for my towel after shouting some totally kid-friendly words at him, drying my body and hair and then picking up the chosen clothes I had picked out (a camp shirt and shorts, shocker), turning off the shower walking out quickly, my still damp hair wetting the back of my shirt.
Once I came out the cabin was full, it was clear they'd been waiting for a while before starting to yell, weird for us, but not imposible, they were all spending time, sharpening weapons, arm wrestling matches, knife throwing competitions, the usual shit.
I sat on my bunk, putting my in a braid, the same one Silena taught me to do when I complained about my hair getting in the way while I trained, finishing it with a scrap of fabric that ripped off my bandana.
I noticed Ellis' eyes on me, ignoring it until he talked at once, he sounded scared and angry, both at the same time
"Clarisse, what is wrong with your arms."
I looked down at my arms, confused as to what he meant
Oh my gods
My arms were raw and red and burnt
did they burn from the water?
Weak.
And sadly, the scars from last night were not healed, not even a little, the complete opposite the water hand, made them a more vibrant crimson color.
Ellis asked - "Clarisse, did you get your arm sunburnt?"
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Sherman turned, his eyes immediatly landing at the place Ellis had pointed out
"What the actual fuck, Clarisse?!" - He grabbed my arm, the blood draining from his face
Okay, maybe this was not a great idea.
Well, all of my ideas are great.
But this was definetly not the best one I've had.
Alright, I just need to focus... but that's what I dont do best...
Think clearly for a second!
"Clarisse?" - Sherman said again
"Yeah, uhm, I got sunburnt during training. Yesterday"
He pointed towards the wounds in my wrists - "And these?"
"Sherman, we are at a camp full of twelve-year-olds with WEAPONS, what do you think?" - I rolled my eyes
"Right..." Sherman nodded slowly "I'M NEXT TO SHOWER!"
"NO, YOU'RE NOT! IT WAS MY TURN" - Mark yelled
"TOO BAD, SUCK IT, IT'S MY TURN NOW!"
I'm a great liar.
Or maybe everyone is just stupid.
Whatever it is, I'm the best.
"Clarisse, have you ever thought the world would be better off without you?"
Will was staring at me, I'd been zoned out the first hour and a half, but for some reason that question took me out
I frowned - "What?"
"Have you ever thought the world would be better off without you?"
"Solace, what the fuck is that question?"
"I'm just asking basic questions, the ones I have written down" - he sighed
"That's a basic question?"
Will shrugged
"I'm not answering that"
"Clarisse."
"No, I am not going to answer it, Solace."
He looked down and wrote something down on his paper
"What are you writing? What does that say?"
"Nothing important"
I stood up - "Give it."
"Why do you want it?"
"I want to see what that says"
"I'm not allowed to show it to you"
"Too bad. Give it to me."
"Clarisse."
I took it from him, reading it over, catching a few words
'Possible suicidal tendencies'
'Self-sacrificial behaviours'
'Post traumatic stress disorder'
That and more.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
"THIS IS BULLSHIT."
I crumpled the paper in my fist, walking to the door
"Clarisse."
I ignored him, walking out and taking out my spear, deciding that training was the best way to get my mind off of my 'possible suicidal thoughts', yeah, sure
"Bullshit" - I said, kicking a rock - "fucking bullshit"
The training area was full of kids, brats, dumbasses, idiots, weaklings, in between other synonyms.
I got in front of a training dummy, choosing it was better to fight without weapons, putting my spear back on my belt and putting my fists up to punch it
Once.
Then twice.
And then more.
And more.
Until it broke and tumbled behind itself
Great.
Still got it.
Not that I doubted it or thought that I had lost it.
Just good to know I still got it.