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"Hey, check this out!" the familiar voice of Expendable calls out, beckoning the two over to what looked to be their next room type. A large, black sign with creamy letters printed onto it hung before them, emitting a soft, almost welcoming glow. 'Employee Accomodation' is what catches John's attention first, alongside the peaceful sleeping face. A welcoming sign for sure.
"Have you seen this before?" Tourist perks up, head tilting slightly as he looks over to Expendable with that fond yet uncertain smile he often seemed to wear. The eldest of the three, he looked quite tired today, they'd been going through the blacksite for quite awhile after all. John isn't too tired himself, but he's also far used to more strenuous activity than the other two. A break would absolutely be welcome, and he looks over to Expendable for an answer too.
"I haven't actually," the gruff voice responds, John able to notice a slight flush on Expendable's face before he clears his throat and turns back to the sign. He must have been flustered by having both sets of eyes on him, it was oddly cute...
That thought makes John pause, his gaze slowly trailing to the floor before he looks away at an elevator nearby. Cute, huh... He's had thoughts like that before, fleeting ones usually. The men he was travelling with were so different and yet he was fond of them both regardless — more than fond even. For a moment, John thinks about that a little deeper. He was so fond of two men. Two men that... He loves.
Was that okay?
"John, are you coming? He's looking at something again... John, there's nothing there!" Tourist's slightly concerned voice cuts into his thoughts and the sinner is blinking again, back in the blacksite and not in his head. Right, of course. There was nothing there.
Blinking a few more times, John mumbles out a "Yes, sorry..." and takes the few steps forward to catch up. This isn't the first time he'd gotten caught up in his thoughts, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Something about the slow paces of the Blacksite and the Hotel really gave him more time to think on things, and John isn't sure he likes that.
Tourist gives him another of those soft smiles as he steps closer, slight concern written on his face. It was a silent offer, John recognises this. One of quiet support and an offer to communicate should he ever want to. It's another of those things the sinner finds himself being fond of, and yet...
Not wanting to get caught up in his thoughts again, John gives a small nod in response and redirects his attention back to Expendable who seemed to be exploring the rooms ahead. Taking a peek reveals that they seem alot more comfortable and less like the drab, ominous halls the rest of the facility offered. Holding up the lantern in his hand shows that it was more like the hotel than anything else around here. How lovely.
"Oh, these rooms look so much nicer!" Tourist pipes up again, ducking under the arm John was holding onto the doorframe with to peek himself. "Much more homely and welcoming. Perhaps a rest is in order?" The gardener pulls back, too polite to squeeze through as he waits for the man in front of him to move.
John picks up quick, lowering his arm and allowing Tourist to move forward. What he didn't expect was for his hand to gently be taken and pull him into the next room. The sinner can feel his face heating up almost immediately, likely standing out except his darker form. He couldn't help it when his lover's hand was so warm in his, a comforting presence, a guiding light.
That nagging thought lingers as he allows himself to feel the warmth of one he loved. A man he loved. Should he be allowing this? John's head feels a little fuzzy, fuelled by the warmth and yet plagued by these thoughts. Was this okay? Would He allow this?
The sinner's hand is pulling away from Tourist's before he can stop it, shaking slightly as his nerves get the better of him. So badly does he want to grab that hand again, to erase the slight hurt he knows he can see on the other man's face. It's gone fast but John noticed it, he saw it. How truly awful he was. With a small shiver, he pretends he's cold instead.
"Looks like these rooms would be great for a rest," Expendable finally turns back to the other two, unaware of the slight tension John had unfortunately created. "We may have actually stumbled across employee quarters, which means theres bound to be something good! Shall we have a look around?" He gives the two a confident grin, one reserved only for them. The knowledge of that makes the butterflies in John's stomach confused, already conflicted. Such a nice smile, tainted by the thoughts of a sinner simply due to what he was.
"I'll look over this way," John speaks up in a loud murmur, motioning towards a side room nearby. His thoughts are getting the better of him again and staying with the two was making him anxious. He needed some time alone. The sinner moves away before either can add anything on, holding up his lantern as he moves over to explore the room ahead. As he walks, his mind buzzes, analysing the two he was currently endlessly exploring with.
Expendable had done wrong in the past, as had they all, but by no means was he a bad man. Neither was Tourist, a pure hearted, kind man who had made the mistakes that stuck him in this loop. No, they weren't bad people at all, and John loved them dearly. Himself on the other hand...
A man tainted by sin, so much that God Himself had to provide help and support. John was better now, Grace had taught him much after all, but was he truly free from sin? God seemed to believe he had made great progress, but would He approve of the feelings he harbors for the men he travels with? The sinner glances back, able to see the other two stepping into another side room, and it makes his stomach twist up into anxious knots.
This was wrong. This was oh so wrong. Life before Grace had taught him extensively, given John the rules set by Him to live his life by. Nowhere was this encouraged, in fact it was actively put down. Man could not lay with another man, it was wrong, it was sinful. John is going against everything he's been taught, everyone he's looked up to. John was going against the will of God Himself.
Oh, how wrong this was.
Tears are welling up before he can stop them and John has to frantically rub at his eyes with his sleeve to prevent any more. He hates the Blacksite, he hates the Hotel, he hates how they allow him to think. Grace isn't like this, it's too overwhelming, and Dozer is enough to keep him distracted from his thoughts in the sanctuary. Here, there was nothing but the two men that gave him such complicated thoughts and the silence of the halls they walked down.
It wasn't fair. John loves with all his heart, he always had, but that love would only allow him to cause sin. Was being sinful worth being happy when he'd already worked so hard to rid himself of that sin? It just wasn't fair. He's rotten.
A shaky groan leaves the sinner, sniffling as he rubs even harder against his eyes. They already burn, rubbing so hard as if he could scrape the sin off of himself through sheer force alone. His other hand clenches hard around the lantern, tensing enough to hurt further before he lets it all go with a long sigh. Thinking of all this was overwhelming, it was exhausting. He hates when his thoughts get away from him like this.
In an effort to distract himself, John pulls the arm that had dropped down to his side back up, lighting up the room with his lantern. A small sniffle leaves him before he grips the lantern tight and loosens his grip again, before beginning to observe. The room seemed to indeed be an accommodation, a comfortable one possibly befitting of an employee... A decently treated employee at least. Not a common occurrence in the Blacksite and certainly not like much they've seen before.
With a small shuffle forward, he takes note of the few usual desks and drawers, even a nicely grown plant on his way. A large chest is the first thing to particularly stand out, causing John to tense up a little once again.
A memory floods into his mind, reminding him of what Expendable had told them was an 'artifice' locked away in a chest. They'd opened it to silence before smoke flooded the room as a large purple face of sorts flew out to jumpscare them. At the time, it had reminded John a little of Ire. Now, he thinks back to the horrified look on Tourist's face, the scare having gotten him quite good. A small smile surfaces on John's face, remembering the silliness of it all, the way Expendable laughed and the way Tourist's face lit up in embarrassment. It was a nice memory. One that once again had the sinner's stomach twisting into confusing, painful knots. He moves on.
Next to the chest seemed to be very standard bunk beds. Pressing his hand into the mattress had John being met with only some resistance, likely not the comfiest beds to sleep in but not too bad overall. Certainly could be worse. Them being bunk beds felt quite lucky too, the rooms would certainly be nice to rest in but sharing would be... John doesn't want to think about it.
Opposite the bunk beds was what looked to be a walk in closet, door opened to reveal a clothes rack. There wasn't much variety, majority of the clothing hangers were empty and the ones that weren't had only the standard expendable outfits. John doesn't linger, closing the door as soon as he can.
With a sigh, John turns back to the bunk beds, feeling exhausted now after the small cry and his thoughts getting the better of him. The urge to just lie down on the bottom bunk and allow himself some rest is tempting, but he'd rather not lie here and let his thoughts consume him until he passes out. Plus, he'd rather not worry the other two. Slight chills run down his spine at the thought of facing them again, but he knows he must.
After a little hesitation, flicking off his lantern and rubbing at his eyes once again, John finally makes his way out of the side room he'd been investigating. He hesitates once more before slowly walking over to the room he'd last seen the other two in. A lot of the doors seemed to lead to similarly furnished spaces and peeking his head around the small corner has his eyes land on his lovers. The men he was travelling with.
They don't seem to notice him immediately so the sinner simply lingers for a moment, observing. It looked like this room had a similar walk in closet and Expendable was inside. John could hear the sliding of hangers on the racks, the sound of fabric brushing against itself as the man investigates.
Tourist only watches from a similar bunk bed, a small frown and the exhaustion of years plastered on his face. He looks burdened almost, his eyes are lay on Expendable but he isn't truly seeing and the Guiding Light in his moon eye was duller than ever. John has seen this only a few times before — the gardener must be communicating with it, so he must be troubled. Guilt wracks through his mind, he knows he's caused that, so the sinner steps forward before he can let it consume him.
Something seems to clock in Tourist's mind as John takes those few steps forward, the light in his eye returning before both simultaneously widen.
"John, wait-" The sinner hears it too late. Rounding the corner, he's met with Expendable, who looks up at the sound of Tourist's voice to allow them to lock eyes. John has no time to react, his own eyes widening in something akin to horror while that buzz he hates creeps into his mind. It was so little yet so much, his gaze being met with the convict stripped of his shirt, holding up another expendable outfit as if to change. Too much yet barely anything, static fills his mind.
Sinful. Sinful, sinful, sinful. The sinner can't see another man like this, can't see someone he loves so exposed. The Elk tries to invade, attempts to rot his mind with sinful thoughts of desire as the buzz of static gets louder. It was nowhere near as intense or painful as it was in Grace, but it was enough to panic.
"I- Sorry, I-" The sinner stumbles on his words, face flushed yet full of horror as he rapidly turns away. The buzz echoes as he rubs at his temples, trying to cleanse himself of the thoughts. But of course it wasn't that easy, the static dims but it only allows other sin to seep in.
While what he saw wasn't entirely a lustful view, only enough to let the Elk begin to seep in through the cracks, it did bring back that fear from earlier. The fear of sin, the fear of disregarding all he's been taught for selfish desires, the fear of disrespecting His Love. If only the two he was travelling with weren't men, he wouldn't have to fear at all.
"John, are you okay?" a concerned voice breaks into the sinner's thoughts again, stopping him in his tracks and allowing him to blink away the tears threatening to gather. it's Tourist, his voice hesitant yet still full of that concern John loved so much. He can feel the presence of a hovering hand before it's lowered again. A beat. "You've been off today... I know you're usually quiet but I just... I'm a little worried." There's a pause of quiet before the shuffling of clothes can be heard, likely Expendable changing into one of the offered outfits hung up.
John doesn't know how to respond. He's awful, truly rotten, sinful to the core. He wants to say he's okay, give Tourist a small kiss and tell him everything is as fine as it can be, but lying is as big a sin as any. It isn't okay, not much could be considered 'okay', but how does he even begin to explain anything? How does he tell the men he loves that loving them is a sin and John would never truly be the faithful man he yearns to be if he stays with them? The last of the static fades away and the sinner is left with the buzz of his own thoughts. How cruel this predicament was.
"I'm worried about you too," Expendable finally speaks up, voice carrying a little extra of that usual gruff bluntness, as if trying to hide the hesitation he felt too. "I'm not good at comforting like Tourist is... but know that we're here for you. I'll teach that damn Elk a good lesson next time we're in Grace!" The convict tries to lighten up the mood with a small joke, being given a small giggle in response from Tourist.
It would've been sweet and a nice way to laugh off the tension he'd built up, but John only feels a pit in his stomach. He's the worst of the trio, truly, he would never be able to atone for his lifes mistakes at this rate. God would never forgive him for the sins he's committed, the acts of treachery against His name. John was a sinner until the end, and he'll never be redeemed if he keeps this up.
"I'm rotten," are the first words to leave his lips, whispered like a confession, slipping out like a snake. He hesitates, taking a deep, shaky breath. "I'm rotten and sinful. I've disgraced His name, dragged you both into it, and it's all my fault." Another pause, John grips his lantern tighter than ever before slowly turning to face the two. The confusion on their faces is enough to allow him to sink deeper into the pit of shame he's digging for himself.
John doesn't know what to say now that he's facing them, trembling slightly as the storm in his mind tries to push out anything coherent. The tears are there again, threatening to spill as his gaze shifts between the two. He loves them, he really does, they've given him so much joy and comfort despite the sinful nature of their acts. But sometimes you have to give it up if you truly love them... Right?
"I'm sorry," John finally continues, gripping the lantern so hard now that his hand aches from the strain. "I've let my emotions get the better of me, and it's lead me astray from His path. I've chosen a sinful way just to keep myself happy, ignored His love, and it's so selfish of me. Especially to drag you both down with me."
The sinner is aware the two aren't as religious as he is, Urbanshade had made direct contact with Hellish entities many times and Tourist's religious beliefs only extended so far, but he hopes they understand. He hopes they'll understand why he is rotten to the core, him and not them. Their expressions are confused as well as concerned now, John swallows nervously.
"I... have to leave... Leave this relationship." Expendable opens his mouth near immediately, an expression unlike one John has seen on him before rising onto his face — one of confusion and hurt. It twists his stomach even further, his spoiled insides must be coiling themselves like snakes at this point. Tourist stops him before the convict can say anything, resting a hand on his arm. The hurt on his face is less hidden, he always was worse off at keeping his emotions in check. John might be sick.
"Please don't misunderstand-" the sinner rushes to add on before they can jump to conclusions. He raises his spare hand slightly, a submissive offering as a tear finally allows itself to run down his cheek. "I love you both. I love you both so dearly, you've made traversing these endless corridors so much more bearable. At times, even made it enjoyable. I- I couldn't ask for better travelling partners or better lovers. It's. The issue is me. I'm the sinful one."
John doesn't often express his feelings this much. He's usually a quiet man who offers love and solace through physical affection and peaceful comfort. To put his thoughts out into the open like this, wear them on his sleeve and allow the other men to see his vulnerability was out of the ordinary, and the words just tumble out.
"It's not that I want to do this. I'd travel with you both for as long as I could. It's just..." A beat. Hesitation. They're not religious, would they understand? His gaze flickers between the two, nervous, before he sees the concern shining in their eyes. Loving and supportive, of course they'd understand. This hurts.
"It's just that... Our- Our relationship is sinful. Man shall not lay with another man," the sinner's voice is reduced to a whisper now, repeating that line he'd heard many times growing up. He only vaguely remembers the friend he'd had growing up, and the punishment they had endured for even implying they liked another boy. They were never the same after, and John desperately doesn't want to betray God in such a way. "I don't want to leave you both, but I fear going against His word too. I fear His reaction for straying from the righteous path, for what if He never forgives me..."
The sinner goes silent after this, head bowed slightly, unable to look at the other two. A painful silence stretches out between them, making the back of John's neck burn up. He's ruined everything, he should have never embraced this sin to begin with. He let them in, lead them on, and now he's going to hurt the men he loves so much because of his own selfish greed. Slugfish would be more aggressive than ever when he returns to Grace.
"John..." After an interval of thick silence, Tourist finally speaks up first, taking a small step forward. Before the sinner can react, the gardener's arms are wrapping around him, pulling him into a hug. A small kiss is pressed to his cheek, hat sliding up against his head before Tourist is nuzzling into his face. It's subtly intimate, a quiet comfort he's usually so good at giving. Tourist is warm, John doesn't want to pull away.
"It's not sinful. You're not rotten," the gardener whispers, hugging him a little tighter before slightly loosening his grip. There's another pause before Tourist sighs and hugs him tight once again. The sinner doesn't know what to say, so he hesitates before returning the hug. The burning in his neck intensifies, he's going to drown in the weight of his sins, but he doesn't want Tourist to let go.
Clearly not knowing what to say, Expendable steps forward and wraps his arms around both of them, bringing them together in a group hug. He plants a messier kiss to John's other cheek before gently squeezing them. It's a messy, emotional hug, but it's warm and loving. It's moments like these that the sinner loves and he can feel more tears escaping. He loves these two so much, admires their strengths and their passions, and almost envies their ability to love someone so sinful.
After a long few moments of embracing, Tourist pulls away just enough to look John in the eyes, likely assessing the remorseful guilt he's struggling to hide — he wishes this was easier. The gardener doesn't let go, however, assessing him for a few moments longer before pressing another, gentler kiss to John's forehead.
"I know our religions don't align exactly, and we may follow different heavens, but I don't think yours would disallow your love..." Tourist pauses for a moment, eyes shifting around as if searching John's for some easy answer. His mouth opens and closes a few times before he swallows nervously. "He's always been supportive of you, right? He renamed you, gave you Grace, and He still supports you even now... I'm sure."
This is partially a lie and the sinner latches onto that immediately. Their relationship was still somewhat fresh, they were all learning how best to explore their love, and John hadn't yet spoken to Him since the change. Some of the entities in the sanctuary knew, and most were supportive — some more than others — but the sinner hadn't yet confronted his God about it. As loving as He may be, John isn't sure how he'd react to this news.
"If- If he wasn't, surely he would've already stopped you?" Tourist continues before the initial flaw in logic can be pointed out. "I know maybe you can't exactly contact him directly out here, but surely he's still keeping tabs on you?" He looks slightly more nervous now, as if he's aware what hes saying isn't working. The sinner wants to believe him, truly he does, but it's so hard to believe God would support such sinful behaviour so easily like this.
As if sensing the slight downhill in comfort, Expendable speaks up, "Those other things have come through too, right?" His voice isn't as loud as usual and it's clear he isn't all that confident in what hes about to say, but he looks determined regardless. "Obviously you're not starting to melt... but you said you get the static from that damn Elk, right? Haven't you seen that creep thing that follows you around a few times too? They came through, ain't a far stretch to say your God can too?"
John blinks a few times in response to this, allowing a few tears to spill over as he thinks on it. Expendable actually had a good point, if some of the entities from Grace were still able to affect him here, then maybe God could still see him...? It wasn't the most solid theory, but it was something.
"I- I guess you're right..." the sinner murmurs, voice shaky as he quietly sniffles, a few more tears escaping before he can stop them. He's still not sure, it's so hard to change your stance on something thats been rooted into you for so much of your life. John had always tried to steer clear of relationships, for fear of what God may thinks lest he let himself be judged for his own love. He'd taken such a huge risk in letting these two in, for loving them as much as he has... Was it really okay?
"John... Can I ask something?" Tourist speaks up before silence can make itself known once again, a thoughtful expression on his face now. The sinner gives a small nod in response and the gardener takes a moment to finally pull away from the hug so he can address him properly. Expendable, however, holds on.
"You say alot of those entities you've um.. befriended. They're representative of sins you've faced?" John nods. "So... would there not be an entity for homosexuality, were it a sin?" This, finally, is the proposal that makes John stop entirely.
There are a lot of entities the sinner has come across in the sanctuary, many of them he's even befriended outside of their respective domains. There's few exceptions, but he's at least aware of what they are and what crime they happen to represent. Homosexuality however... Unless it somehow falls under sin or shame, which was unlikely considering how many individuals he knows, then it doesn't exist. The sanctuary reflects him, Grace knows what he must face, and yet he'd never come across such a thing before. If what he'd done really was so sinful, would it not be after him first and foremost?
"I... don't think I have seen anything like it, nor heard of it..." there's a pause as he really thinks on it. If not encountered in Grace, surely one of them would tell him, he'd always been informed of any new entities. Could it really be...?
"It's just... Very odd to think about." The sinner begins mindlessly fiddling, wringing his hands together and twiddling his fingers as a slight distraction. This goes against so much he's been taught. "The church when I was younger was always so against this. I watched some get punished and corrected on their behaviours like this. Is- Would it really be okay...? Would God accept this?" His gaze moves between the gardener and Expendable, who now had his arms wrapped around the sinner's neck, leaning on him slightly. There's slight hesitation before John leans his head against the burly man's, a slight blush appearing on his face, one that is apparently caught by Tourist.
"If it were wrong, I believe you would've been punished already," the gardener gives him that usual soft smile, admiring the two in their embrace. "I think you're okay."
John lets out a small sigh in response, as if a weight had been partially lifted. He doesn't have to end this relationship, he doesn't have to distance from the men he loves, and he doesn't have to fear God... Not yet, at least. This would take time getting used to, and he'd need a direct confirmation from Him before he'd be able to accept this entirely. It goes against so much of his earlier teachings.
But for now... It was alright.
Tourist rejoins the hug and they stand there in each others arms for what feels like forever. It was peaceful, a comforting, loving quiet. John feels relieved, even if there was still a slight burn in his neck when he thinks on things too hard. To have his religious view tipped over was an immense change, one he still wasn't even certain on, but he's thankful for it.
"Alright, I think we've had enough loving, eh?" Expendable finally speaks up first after their long period of silence, a grin on his face now. "Might be good of a time as any to get some rest, I think we all need it now." He follows up his words with yet another kiss to the sinner's cheek, as well as giving one to Tourist this time too, a final gift of his love.
John doesn't want to leave the hug, doesn't want to leave the warmth of his still lovers, but he knows they do all need their rest. Another small sigh escapes his lips before he smiles slightly, leaning over to give them both their own cheek kisses, a gift in return. Rest was certainly needed after that charade.
There's little more to say between the three of them, Expendable hopping onto the bottom bunk first. Tourist follows, his smile fonder than ever as he happily climbs on top before rolling onto his side. They both look over to John.
The scene reminds him of earlier, in that side room he'd been in alone. The thought of sharing a bed, especially one so small, was a thought he hadn't wanted to linger on. Now, he can think on it a little more. They've shared beds before, of course, but never one so small, so intimate. It made him nervous of being sinful, to share such little free room with other men that he loves. Now, however, he thinks it might be okay.
With a few blinks and the smile on his face growing ever the more fonder, he shuffles forward and climbs onto the bed too. It was definitely a squeeze for the three of them, especially with the safety of the top bunk ladder pressing them in, but it was cozy in a way. Tourist, being the smallest of the three, lay in the middle, with John and Expendable cuddled right up against him. A tight fit, but a loving one nonetheless.
"Goodnight, I hope we have a lovely rest," John speaks up before the other two can, nuzzling a little into the gardener before sighing softly once more. "And thank you... I love you both dearly."