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Not even four months in of the new year, funny how I was just making it out my depressive state I got hurled back down to the trenches. This time there was no getting back up, it was decided, I’m not the strongest, nor a good person since what makes a person good is no matter what they have been through they still get back up like nothing happened, they still have kindness left in them they don’t turn bitter. So knowing how I don’t have enough time I enjoy the time I have left, because you left me incapable of love.
April the 29th is when I left for school any other day yet when I came back I didn’t notice you weren’t there like you always were, how foolish I took you for granted. It took me an hour to realize you never greeted me, so I set out to look for you cursing your name not knowing you have already left. When I heard the news I didn’t believe it, why the hell would I, nothing Truely bad has ever happened to me, how delusional.
May 1st i was surprised I was still alive when i took 5 Benadryls but who am i kidding, that wouldn’t be enough to od for someone who is pretty fat, how delusional, how naive. Either way I was immobilized from the shock of you not being here with me like you were supposed to. Breathing hurt, talking was too much energy to use when. I didn’t have any energy, I never cried infront of anyone and I kept it that way. So I didn’t go to school that day it was to much, I wish the world would stop. But because you weren’t home and I need you to even function.
Once my body didn’t feel like I was being crushed by 200 hinder pounds but rather 100 I could finally get up and try to pass the time by dying my hair. By this point I no longer could reason. ( still can’t, there is no need to anyway) Once We could go pick up your body I didn’t sob uncontrollably never in public, only tears silently. And digging your grave had me feeling so tired like never before but it’s probably because I couldn’t eat anything and was practically dying as well.
May 2nd, who the hell sends their kid to school after the death of her will and sole reason to live? Well try to reason with Hispanic parents. Getting up for school was hard just like yesterday. When trying to eat, everything reminded me of you. You would be at my feet begging for food. So I only ate enough to get through the morning yet it wasn’t enough. First hour of school and I could sense I was losing consciousness, my head was pounding, my hearing was leaving then coming back, the room was blurry. Fuck I think I was about to pass out. Well I sometimes wish I did maybe people would care about my loss and how I’m losing it. But no, I didn’t and only got asked by my teacher if I was fine of course I had to say yes, they don’t deserve to know what’s wrong. Stupid Spanish teacher. I didn’t do much the whole school day I could only silently cry and not care about what others were thinking about me.
The rest of May was just hell, I wish school could end sooner, I have no reason to be here since I’ll be gone in a few months