Chapter Text
July 984 - Canto V
"I'm... Queequeg's... friend."
Those were the three words that had caused the bouncers to let us all through. There had been pure, bitter emotion in Ishmael's words- emotion that spoke of history, of an imagined lifetime, of love and loss. It wasn't an emotion expressed just though friendship.
I'd experienced that once. Back when I...
The point was, we were now in the club, and myself and several other Sinners were trying to hold Ishmael back as she glared around the room with murderous intent. Faust was talking quietly with the Executive Manager, discussing the location of the first mate of the Syndicate that ran the club.
It had been a long time since I'd been at a club like this. I wasn't exactly fond of the loud music and bright lights, but if she had wanted to-
No one had bothered to ask me back outside, when we were discussing how to get in. It had been somewhat unexpected that Meursault had frequented these sorts of places in the past, but that wasn't any of my business. And such is the same for the other Sinners about me- none had asked for my input, so I kept my silence.
<"Ishmael.">
The Executive Manager's voice cut into my thoughts, purposefully level as they addressed Ishmael.
"...what." The orange-haired woman's voice was curt.
As the Executive Manager began explaining their plan to her, my mind began to wander. The music was loud, almost vibrating the floor. The lights were bright. A bar was in the corner, tables scattered around the room, a large area in the middle with people dancing. I glanced at the other Sinners. Rodion was gazing around, her expression almost awed. She'd said outside that she'd never been to a place like this. Gregor had stated the thoughts of most of us- if anyone were to be used to this, it would be her. But the wonder in her stare was a look that only came with a first time.
Her deep blue eyes reflected the flashing light, causing them to sparkle in a way I hadn't seen them do before. Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked, several times in one second, then widening her eyes as wide as she could as if to take in every millimetre of the room. Her mouth hung slightly open, but I didn't think she'd noticed. She seemed too thrilled by her surroundings.
...maybe I should take her to places like these sometimes. She seems to-
What was I thinking? It shouldn't matter whether she likes this conundrum or not. And it shouldn't lie on my shoulders to make her happy. If she likes this so much, she can go by herself.
<"Does that make sense?">
The Executive Manager's words snapped me back to attention. I dragged my gaze away from Rodion's face to look at them. Faust spoke next, her quiet voice barely audible over the booming music.
"Coming with Dante will be myself, Ishmael, Meursault, Ryōshū, Sinclair, and Gregor."
I frowned. Going where?
The Executive Manager glanced at me. They obviously misinterpreted my expression, as they took a step towards me and spoke in a whisper. <"Outis, I trust you to watch over the other Sinners. If you can find any information out here that may be useful while we're talking to the first mate...">
They trailed off. I snapped to attention and nodded, forcing myself to look unconvinced but obedient. "...I understand, Executive Manager."
Usually I would be upset. But considering the way my mind's been wandering in the past twenty minutes- the fact I hadn't been listening to a word they'd been saying earlier- I felt I shouldn't hold a grudge against them for this.
I watched as the Executive Manager and the Sinners they'd chosen to go with with walked off, disappearing into the crowd. Now it was just me, and the other five Sinners left behind- one of them being Rodion. She still wasn't paying attention- Yi Sang had moved to stand close beside her, obviously ready to grab her should she attempt to take off. I hadn't seen anyone's eyes sparkle like that in such a long time...
Heathcliff turned to face me, bat resting over one shoulder. "Oi. I suppose Clockhead put you in charge, so are you gonna stand there like an idiot or what?"
Perhaps I should have reprimanded him about using such terms to talk about the Executive Manager, but my heart just really wouldn't have been in it. I cleared my throat, hoping my mind would clear too. "Right. The Executive Manager recommended we try to find information in this part of the club. Look for intel regarding the location of the golden bough or possibly where the LCCB agent is being held hostage. Don't mention anything directly, especially if it could disadvantage us going forward. If you see the others returning, meet back here as soon as possible."
I was almost expecting Heathcliff to argue with me, but instead he just shrugged and walked away. Don Quixote quickly followed suit, pushing through people to catch up to him.
I felt a tug on my sleeve, and when I turned Rodion was gazing at me with those bright eyes of hers. Her expression had changed from shock to a playful grin, the corners of her eyes crinkling and her cheeks dusted faintly with pink. "Outie! Outie~ there's a dance floor~"
She let go of my arm and pointed to the middle of the floor, where there were several people dancing. The music had changed while my focus had been taken up by the mission- it was now slower, slightly more peaceful than the earlier bass. "So there is," I muttered, forcing a sigh. I tried acting disinterested, but in reality, my heart did a little flutter just at the thought that she decided I should be the first person she should point it out to. She rested her axe on a nearby table then reached for my hip, unclipping my kopis from my belt and resting it beside her own weapon.
"What are you-" I was cut off as she grabbed my arm again and started dragging me towards the dance floor. She giggled as she did so, the sound like a windchime on a summer's day, her expression bright, clear and certain, the smile spreading across it almost shining with excitement.
Before I knew what she was doing, the two of us were standing at the edge of the dance floor and it was too late for me to walk away. She stared at me, her eyes sparkling again, looking deep into my own. I can't help but be reminded of her. She looked at me like that once, that smile, that slight smirk at the corner of her lips. Then Rodion grabbed me, one hand on my hip, the other taking my own. I stiffened involuntarily, causing her to laugh again. "Oh, come on, Outis, don't tell me you've never danced before~"
"I-I have-!" I spluttered, my face heating up. It was true, I had danced before. I remember spinning her around the halls, lifting her up and then dropping her into a dip so low the ends of her hair brushed the ground. And then she'd squeal as I lifted her up and pulled her into a close hug, kissing her at the base of the neck where I could reach and listening to her murmur that she loved me.
But this was Rodion, not her, and however much this woman reminded me of my past I couldn't go back. She stared at me- probably only for a moment, but it felt like it could have been a thousand years- before speaking. "So are we dancing, or what?"
I suddenly realised I'd just been staring at her face like some lovestruck teenager. I shot a look at Hong Lu, hoping he'd save me from having to go through with this, but he just smiled and waved at me. No luck there. Reluctantly, I put my hands into position and Rodion instantly perked up, beaming. That smile of hers could have lit up the entire room...
I averted my gaze quickly before my thoughts could wander any further. She took the lead, and I couldn't do much else other than follow her steps as we danced. I felt rather rusty and stiff- I hadn't danced like this in twenty years- but if Rodion had noticed, she didn't seem to mind. She moved with the fluidity of someone who had done this her whole life, the confidence of someone who didn't care what others thought, and the smile of someone who could flip an entire world upside down with just a-
No. I wasn't going to think about that. Not about Rodion. Rodion, of all people.
"Hehe, you're pretty good at this!"
And yet, my face flushed bright red at the compliment. I tried responding, but all of a sudden my mouth felt dry and I couldn't quite form words. I muttered something under my breath in Greek that translated to something akin to "get out of my head", and then suddenly desperately hoped she didn't understand my home language. I felt like a traitor for letting myself feel this way about Rodion, when she was still out there, waiting for me, waiting for-
Rodion spun me around and pulled me close until her chest was pressing against mine. "Outie, stop thinking," she murmured, her mouth close to my ear. "Just feel, okay?"
"I- I can't." I loathed that my voice was full of reluctance.
She pulled away, just slightly, to look me in the eyes. The raw emotion in that beautiful blue gaze of hers made my heart skip a beat.
"Outis." The sound of my name on her lips was like music to my ears, no matter how much I hated that it did.
"...Rodion." My voice trembled.
This woman was driving me insane. It was everything about her- her long copper hair glistening in the lights of the club, her eyes fixed on mine, the smile that had faded from her face until it was just the ghost of an upturn at the corner of her lips. Her face wasn't just dusted with pink anymore- she was blushing as much as I guessed I was. We weren't even dancing anymore- just standing in the middle of the dance floor, one of her hands on my hip, the other hovering on my shoulder for a moment longer before moving up to cup my face. The proximity was making my tghtohus get mdluedd up.
She stared at me in silence. I did the same. I couldn't bring myself to speak in case it would break the moment. Maybe I should- maybe I should break this, pull away, end it before I did something that would feel like a betrayal of her trust. She's still waiting for me. And I said I'd do the same, that I'd wait for-
Rodion kissed me.
It took me by surprise. One moment, she was staring at my face, taking in every microexpression, and the next, her lips were pressed against mine, banishing all rational thought from my mind. I stiffened, my face going bright red, my eyes widening in shock. Of all things, I wasn't expecting her to do this- what was I meant to do? Kiss her back? Pull away? I felt like I should pull away, but something in the back of my mind was talling me to just let myself go. Take it, just this once. This doesn't have to happen again, nothing's going to happen...
But even as I closed my eyes, my hand moving up to run my hands through her hair... I couldn't help but feel that sting of guilt. That feeling of betrayal.
Because no matter what I felt about Rodion, no matter how much enjoyment I was getting as she pulled me closer...
This woman in my arms, the one I was kissing with such tenderness, such love...
...it wasn't Penelope.