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But what if it doesn’t end well
Would you still stay?
What if I fuck it up like I always do
And my shit gets in the way?
What if it doesn’t end well
Would we still be fine?
When the world is over and we go under
Would you still be mine?
–“What If It Doesn’t End Well” by Chloe Moriondo
Sakae frowns at the black screen of his phone. Tapping the screen would only make him more concerned, but he can’t help himself.
A few taps and the home screen appears.
A quick click and the messenger app opens.
Another tap and his conversation with Haruka pop up…
Still no reply from Haruka.
A long exhale leaves Sakae through his nose. His chest feels heavy and tight. Something isn’t right.
He knows Haruka is close to Suo. Everyone in the school knows it.
Haruka, Nirei, and Suo. The inseparable three.
…Now down to two.
Obviously everyone is shaken up. Despite not having talked with the eyepatched kid wonder much, Sakae knew the impact the guy had on everyone, especially their community.
Especially Haruka.
“Mmm,” Sakae hums in thought, leans against his desk chair, and dips his head back to stare at the decaying ceiling above him.
He needs to check on Haruka.
He’s sure Haruka isn’t a fan of uninvited visitors, but from what he’s heard, no one’s gone to see him yet.
Odd.
Yes, Haruka might need space…but missing this many days of school and not responding to any messages?
Thoughts of his grandfather sit in the pit of Sakae’s stomach.
The belief that failure can break a person down to their lowest point…To make them feel guilt…that it’s their fault something bad happened…
He really hopes Haruka isn’t blaming himself.
Shit.
Shit.
SHIT.
Sakae can’t stand it anymore. Slamming his hands down on the surface of his desk, he shoots up and gets ready to storm out of the classroom. He can’t wait for school to be out. He needs to see Haruka now.
Others say they’ll check on him later, sure, fine.
But Sakae can’t wait that long.
“Guys, I’m leavin’.” He shoves his tattered books into his backpack and hoists it over his shoulders.
No one stops him. They wave him off, understanding the situation and how Haruka has become someone really special to Sakae.
Honestly, Sakae was still trying to sort out those feelings himself. How special Haruka is to him, though, is a problem for another time.
Because right now, he needs to just make sure Haruka is okay.
He knows the missing boy doesn’t live far from the school. He knows the building is pretty crappy. He only dropped Haruka off once before, and Haruka didn’t let Sakae inside. There was an adorable blush on his face as he insisted the apartment wasn’t anything special.
Silly Haruka.
Anything that involved Haruka was automatically special. If only he could truly believe that.
Before heading over, Sakae stopped by a grocery store to snatch up food he knows Haruka loves.
Haruka is an easy person to please, but just in case, Sakae wants to make sure Haruka feels extra cared for today. The boy deserves that every day, but today seems more important than others.
The steps creak and groan with each step Sakae takes. Damn, maybe he will ask Haruka if he wants to be his roommate. There’s no way in hell these stairs will last by the time summer rolls around.
The groceries jostle against each other in the recyclable bags.
He really hopes Haruka lets him in.
With the bags of food on the ground, a deep breath, and an ache in his chest, he knocks on the door.
……………………………
Haruka is perfectly wrapped up in his blankets. The stuffed toy he bought for Kiyru lays still against the wall. Haruka didn’t feel like hugging it today. His phone remains unplugged on the other side of the room. He forgot to charge it last night.
Not that he’s really in the mood to talk to others anyway.
What was the fucking point?
Why talk to them when they’ll probably leave too?
What.
Is.
The.
POINT?!
Slender pale fingers curl around the sheets and to bring them closer to his chest. Pressure pricks the back of his eyes. “Fuck…” he growls hoarsely to the emptiness of his room.
He’s cried enough already.
He’s shown weakness enough already.
He doesn’t need to keep crying! This is stupid!
You knew better, Haruka. That vile little voice in his head hisses. You knew better than to let them in. Suo was one of the first, and now look. He’s gone. Left. Vanished. Back to where his REAL family is.
“Shut up…” Haruka’s grip on the sheets tightened.
You weren’t worth it. Your friendship wasn’t enough to keep him around.
“Shut…up…” Haruka’s hands go from his blankets to his hair, and he tosses himself onto his back.
You’re a failure to yourself, you pathetic dumbass. You actually thought he cared about YOU? You actually still believe the people of this town CARE about YOU?
“They do!”
Blunt, jagged fingernails dig into his scalp, making crude crescent moon shaped indents in the greasy skin.
It’s only a matter of time before the rest leave, and you know it. You were nothing to Suo. You were NOTHING. Ya know why? Because you are NOTHING. You just take up space. You’re just a fucking object to keep them entertained until they finally realize how USELESS you are to them. They’ll discard you just like Suo did. They’ll–
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Haruka tears at his hair with one hand and smashes the palm of his other hand into his temple. “Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!”
A cry that almost makes his throat bleed crawls out of him. It shakes his body like an earthquake. His lungs and back hurt from crying, everything hurts. Everything hurts as the tears come again. Fresh streams streak down his cheeks and slide over his jaw and down his neck. His lungs and back hurt from crying so much already.
He really wishes he could stop.
He really wishes that voice would leave him the fuck alone.
He’d been doing so well! He opened up. He made friends. He told others about the parts of himself he’s the most ashamed of. His deepest, darkest secrets…
A knock at the door startles him.
“AH!” Haruka quickly slaps the tears on his face, trying to make them go away as he tosses the sheets off of him.
…Could it be Suo? Could…Could he have come back? Did he come back to check on him like the pirate bastard did when he was sick all those months ago?
He springs to his feet and stumbles to the front door. Fuck, he didn’t realize how weak he was. When was the last time he ate? He can’t even fucking remember, but the hell with it. He needs to see if it’s–
“Haruka?” Broad shoulders, large chest, and dark eyes greet him.
Momijikawa.
“Wha…?” Haruka flicks his eyes down to see the taller boy holding two big bags of crinkled brown paper. His vision is blurry…which probably isn’t good.
When he looks back up, concern is written all over Momijikawa’s face.
Well shit.
“Can I come in?” He lifts the bags up. “Thought I’d make ya something to eat.”
Haruka waits a few moments to think about what’s happening right now.
Momijikawa is here…during the day…skipping class…to see him?
Then it gradually hits him that he’s in his fucking pajamas, which consists only of a white t-shirt and tight black boxer briefs.
A blush emerges on his cheeks almost immediately. He folds his arms over his chest and spins around. “Sure, whatever, just close the door behind you.”
Dashing while wobbling, he makes his way back to his room. He flings open his closet to search for a pair of basketball shorts to throw on when Momijikawa stops in his doorway.
“Ya don’t gotta get dressed up for me.” There’s a smug smirk on his lips when Haruka looks at him.
His blush deepens and spreads down his neck. “I-I ain’t dressing up!” The basketball shorts drop to the floor. Haruka tugs his t-shirt down, trying to hide the parts his boxers don’t exactly leave much to the imagination. He doesn’t know why he’s so flustered. Suo and Nirei have seen him like this before. Why is Momijikawa standing there making him feel warm and embarrassed?!
Momijikawa chuckles, leaning against the doorframe. The taller boy’s eyes flick around the room, almost like he’s analyzing it. That, too, makes Haruka flush.
“I wasn’t expectin’ company…” he mumbles, closing the closet and walking to the futon to rearrange the sheets.
“Well, if you had read my texts, maybe you would have known.” Momijikawa cocks an eyebrow and juts his chin in the direction of Haruka’s dead phone. “A lot of people are worried about you.”
“Tch,” Haruka goes to plug in his phone, watching the vacant screen come to life. “Ya don’t know that.”
“Pretty sure I do.” Momijikawa walks over and places a hand on Haruka’s shoulder. “Would you believe me if I said I went to your class to ask where you’d been?”
Haruka turns toward him, but drops his gaze to the ground. “Why would you do that?”
“Hm, I dunno, probably because I wanted to make sure you were okay and alive?”
“Of course I’m still alive.” Haruka snaps, eyes jumping back to Momijikawa’s. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
The moment the question leaves his lips, he wishes he could take it back.
Because fuck.
That’s right.
Everything with Momijikawa’s grandfather…
“Shit, I didn’t mean…I mean I didn’t think that–”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Haruka.” Momijikawa gives Haruka’s shoulder a gentle squeeze before releasing him. “Come on, let’s talk while I make ya something.”
He doesn’t wait for Haruka to respond as he turns and walks out of the room.
As he watches Momijikawa’s back retreat, Haruka hears his phone buzz over and over, all the messages he’s missed flooding in at once.
…Alright, maybe Momijikawa isn’t lying…maybe people do care.
They don’t. It’s all fake.
“Fuck you,” Haruka bites back at the voice, trying his best not to believe the shit it’s saying.
He plops down on one of the only two chairs he has in his kitchen.
Momijikawa doesn’t waste any time making himself home and familiarized with what Haruka has to offer. A frown is on the taller boy’s face, probably judging him for his lack of food and drinks. For a moment, it looks like he’s going to say something, but thankfully he doesn’t, saving Haruka the embarrassment of having to explain himself.
“You didn’t have to come over…” Haruka says, the smell of meat filling the room and making his stomach grumble.
“When was the last time you ate?” Momijikawa doesn’t turn away from the stove and completely ignores Haruka’s comment.
Haruka doesn’t want to answer that question…mostly because he can’t remember.
“I dunno…” The confession is a pathetic whisper, mumbled in shame.
It makes Momijikawa pause for a moment, but he goes back to stirring in spices and broth of something into the sauce pan. Fuck, it smells really good.
“Wanna tell me why you haven’t been eating?” Momijikawa sidesteps to the part of the counter Haruka forgot to clean. The taller boy brings out a cutting board, a dull knife, and begins to chop the veggies that he already rinsed.
“No,” Haruka’s voice clips at the end.
“Hm,” is all Momijikawa has to offer. “If I guess it right, would ya tell me?”
Why does he care so much?! Why does he care if he’s been taking care of himself??
When Haruka doesn’t reply, Momijikawa takes a stab at it anyway.
“Do you feel like you don’t deserve to eat, Haruka?”
…Well that fucking dug deeper than expected.
“Are you punishing yourself for something you didn’t do?”
“Shut up!” He launches to his feet and storms to Momijikawa. He grips the back of Momijikawa’s shirt and pulls him away from the stove.
Tears are pricking his eyes again, but he refuses to let them fall. “You don’t know me! You don’t know what’s going on in my–!”
Momijikawa doesn’t let him finish. Strong, arms wrap around him instead and pull him in. A calloused hand cups the back of Haruka’s head and presses him gently against a sturdy, warm chest.
He doesn’t know what to do with his arms.
Is…Is Momijikawa hugging him? Hugging HIM?!
“Wh-What the hell are you doing?!” Haruka squirms against him, but he’s not putting his full effort into it.
“It’s okay now, Haruka,” Momijikawa says his name like he isn’t a burden, like he isn’t a screw up, like Momijikawa actually wants to be there with him. “It’s gonna be okay…”
Fuck. He hates it, but those words and this embrace…Shit, it makes the frail dams that were keeping the tears at bay crumble.
And he cries. He cries harder than he has in he’s not sure how long.
…………………………
Weeping.
That’s the word Sakae would use to describe what Haruka is doing now.
Weeping.
He’s never seen Haruka cry before. There’s probably very few that have. From what he knows of Haruka, the boy probably learned early on that crying meant weakness in the eyes of others. They probably used it against him, called him a baby or some shit like that.
Morons.
Sakae tightens his hug slightly, just enough to put more pressure around Haruka so he can be a grounding source for him, like a weighted blanket.
Haruka’s back bounces furiously against his arms as more and more cries of frustration and pain leave his fragile body.
Because that’s what he is right now.
Fragile.
And Sakae doesn’t mean that in a cruel way or a mocking way.
Sakae means that Haruka doesn’t know what to do.
Haruka’s in pain. He’s confused. He doesn’t know what to do. His sense of what’s okay and what’s not and who to trust and who is a liar is fracturing into bits and pieces of a sad picture.
Sakae lets these fragments fall to the ground slowly, almost cradling Haruka as he lets them, too, fall to the floor. He uses one hand to turn off the stove. The knob is wobbly and probably broken.
Yeah. Sakae is really going to offer Haruka to move in with him. This is a fucking fire hazard.
But again. That’s for another time.
He focuses on holding Haruka, rubbing his back as the small boy lets him maneuver his body so that his legs are draped over Sakae’s thighs. Hands smaller than his clutch onto his shirt, a runny nose nuzzles into the fabric. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care in the slightest.
This is what Haruka needed. He needed someone to be here.
After another few minutes, Haruka’s sobs turn to hiccups and sniffles. He tries to wipe his tears away with his forearm.
“If-If you tell anyone a-about this…I-I’ll fucking kill you…” Haruka’s voice crackles weakly, a threat Sakae doesn’t really believe, but he’ll humor him.
“I won’t…I promise.” Sakae tucks Haruka’s head under his chin. “It’s not your fault.”
“You don’t know that.” Haruka protests. “He…Suo left. He only wanted to talk to Nirei…because Nirei was the most important to him. I…I-I meant nothing. I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t–!”
“Hey,” Sakae doesn’t mean for his tone to be stern, but that’s what happens anyway. It’s enough to cut Haruka off. “I don’t know who the hell is telling you that crap, but it’s not true.” He brings his arms around Haruka again, pulling him for another hug. “Whatever Suo is going through…that’s for him to figure out. You’re not responsible for him, Haruka. I know you’re worried about him, a lot of people are. But that isn’t a burden you have to bear on your own.” Sakae is honestly pretty proud of himself for how smoothly the words are coming out.
When Haruka doesn’t interrupt him, he continues. “You’re right, though. I don’t know everything that happens in that head of yours. I only know the parts of yourself that you felt comfortable enough to tell me that day on the bridge.” His hug tightens ever so slightly, the image of Haruka looking at him with that tragically beautiful and sad smile in the setting sun. “You’re a good friend, a good leader, and a good person, Haruka.”
He feels Haruka shake his head, and that breaks Sakae’s heart.
“It’s true. You don’t have to believe me right now, but it’s true.”
They sit there. Just sit there on the tile. They don’t say anything for a while after that.
And that’s okay. Something inside Sakae tells him that right now, silence is what Haruka needs.
…………..
Haruka’s stomach growls for food. “Shit.”
Momijikawa laughs softly. “Right, food.” He lifts his chin off of Haruka. “Are you okay with standing on your own? Do you need help?”
“I can take care of myself!” Haruka hisses, crawling out of Sakae’s lap and onto the tiled kitchen floor. Fuck, the floor is dirty too.
He tries to get up, but fumbles a bit before managing to get himself into the chair by the table.
“Ah ha, sure.” Momijikawa gets to his feet and smirks, turning around to finish making them a meal.
It’s embarrassing, how loud Haruka moans at how good the food is. He nearly chokes, shoving in more and more than his body is having a hard time keeping up with his craving.
Momijikawa manages to make him slow down, despite his protests.
Once they’re done, Haruka insists on cleaning up, but Momijikawa denies him that as well. “I’m the one that came over uninvited. Go rest in your bed. It won’t take me long to clean this stuff.”
Normally, Haruka would fight him on it, but now that he has a full stomach, he’s realizing how tired he is.
He obeys and goes to his room. He glances at his phone and sees how many of his friends messaged him.
Shit.
All of them.
All of them did.
He releases a heavy sigh and decides he’ll respond to them later, instead choosing to lay down and stare up at the ceiling.
He doesn’t know when it happened, but he fell asleep. When he wakes up, Momijikawa’s arms are wrapped around him.
“Huh?” Haruka looks down and sees that he’s been tucked into his bed, Momijikawa resting on top of the covers. “What are you doing?”
“Hm?” Momijikawa opens his eyes. He doesn’t sound like he was asleep, probably just resting. “Oh, well, you looked cold. You didn’t even pull the sheets over you. When you started shivering, I tried to find another blanket to put you.” He shrugs as he moves his arms from around Haruka. “Couldn’t find one, and figured body heat would help.”
“Do you hear yourself?!” Haruka’s face is drenched in red. He scrambles out of the bed, getting tangled in the sheets in the process.
Momijikawa chuckles and perches himself on his elbow as his chest faces Haruka. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Oh shut up.” Haruka spat in the other boy’s direction. “I…How long was I asleep for?” He looks out the window to see if he could use that for a reference, but he is too flustered to come to a conclusion.
“Meh, about an hour or so. Not too long.” Momijikawa tilts his head to the side. “You could sleep more. I could leave if you really want me to.”
Something about the thought of Momijikawa leaving makes a part of Haruka’s heart ache. “No…I…Ugh!” The heels of his hands shove into his eyes. “I don’t wanna be alone…”
Momijikawa hums in agreement. “Thought so.” A grumble comes from Momijikawa’s stomach as he rearranges himself so that Haruka could climb back into his bed. “Now come on. I won’t go. Hell, I’ll even tell you a bedtime story if you’d like.”
“I ain’t a child!” The tips of Haruka’s ears burn. “Just…Just shut up!”
Momijikawa smirks but nods. “Fine, I can be quiet.”
Then something happened that he wasn’t expecting.
…A kiss.
A fucking…kiss.
On his LIPS!?
Momijikawa pulls his head back, looking just as shocked as Haruka.
Fingers come to Haruka’s lips. “You…D-Did you just kiss me?!”
Now it was Momijikawa’s turn to turn various shades of pink and red. “I-I just got caught up in the moment! You didn’t want me to say anything so–!”
“So you thought a kiss would be the better option?!” Fuck. Momijikawa just took Haruka’s first kiss! GAH!
The two sat there in awkward silence. Haruka hated to admit it, but the kiss felt really nice. It lit a warm glow in his stomach and loosed something painful in his chest. Something bloomed there that made fragments of the sorrow and grief of Suo vanishing evaporate…just a bit.
Haruka clasps his hands in his lap. He opens his mouth and closes it a few times before finally speaking. “So…what does this mean for us now?”
“I dunno…” Momijikawa answers immediately, voice low and gravely.
It makes Haruka blush. “It…it did help me feel better…I guess…”
He flicks his eyes back to Momijikawa who is wearing a grin he’s never seen someone wear before.
It’s the smile of someone who is proud of Haruka to be his…At least that’s what he’s assuming the smile means. Maybe he’s wrong.
That vile voice in his head hasn’t said a damn thing since Momijikawa got here, though, so maybe that’s a sign.
“Then that kiss can mean whatever you want it to me.” Momijikawa leans in again, this time pressing his lips to Haruka's forehead. “Why don’t you rest some more, hm? Pretty sure the others are planning on swinging by in a bit to check on ya too.”
“WH-WHAT?!” Haruka sputters.
Momijikawa smirks. “Told ya people care about you.” Another kiss lands, this time on Haruka’s nose.
“UGH!” Haruka lets himself curl onto his side, his back arching so that he’s slightly pressed against Momijikawa’s stomach. Beats of silence pass as Momijikawa gets comfortable himself.
That mean voice tries to bubble up again, tying to spew more shit that Haruka doesn’t want to believe.
“What…what if I want the kiss to mean more than just you making me feel better?” Haruka asks just above a whisper. He almost wishes Momijikawa doesn’t hear it after the words come out, but that doesn’t happen.
“Then it’ll mean more than that.” Momijikawa’s nose nuzzles into Haruka’s messy hair. He takes in a breath and snorts. “You need to shower too.”
“Shut up!” Haruka pushes his elbow back to knock Momijikawa, but the taller boy is faster and prevents it from jabbing him.
“Just pointing out that maybe you do need someone to help make sure you take care of yourself.” Momijikawa says calmly. “Ya know, this is a perfect time for me to ask.”
Haruka doubts that, but he lets Momijikawa continue.
“I think you should move in with me.”
“HUH?!” Haruka rolls around so he’s facing Momijikawa again. “What did you just say?!”
“I cook, clean, and I have a functional shower that you already know has amazing water pressure.” He lists off the perks of being his roommate while Haruka’s brain short circuits.
“Bu-But I–What about all of my stuff? What about all the crap I have and the baggage and–?!”
“Woah, woah, woah,” Momijikawa chuckles and pushes strands of Haruka’s bangs out of his face. “You don’t have to make a decision now…Just think about it…Besides…” He shrugs and smiles. “It’ll be okay. I don’t mind your baggage or whatever the hell you wanna call it. It’s stuff that makes you, ya know, you.” The smile turns to a smirk.
“But what if I fuck it up?” Haruka asks in spite of the smirk.
“You won’t.” Momijikawa says it with such confidence, as if he could actually predict the future. “Anyway, be quiet and rest. When the others get here, I’ll wake ya up and let them in.”
Haruka wants to protest. He wants to tell Momijikawa that he can go fuck off and not worry about taking care of him because he can take care of himself, dammit!
…But instead he doesn’t. Instead he obeys. He rests. He closes his eyes. And for the first time in he isn’t sure how long…Haruka’s body uncoils every bit of tension it had been holding for the past several days.
Momijikawa is here.
He sees worth in him.
He cares for him.
He’s there for him.
He wants him around.
…Yeah. Yeah okay, maybe people aren’t going to abandon him.
Haruka can let himself believe that, at least for the rest of today with Momijikawa by his side.