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The waves crashed against each other to the side of me, battling for the shoreline before retreating back into the deep, vast ocean. She knows I could watch this for hours and not get bored. She’s also the only one to know.
I lead ahead, she trails closely behind, stepping in somewhat awkwardly in my footsteps. I don’t know why I’m leading, she was the one who wanted to take me somewhere “special”, although I’d argue anywhere around her is special…
An abrupt stop causes her to clash into my body, and I can feel her skin graze past my own, warm… rough… hers…. I stumble forward slightly but am able to catch myself quickly.
“Sorry…” she mumbles, as I turn around. She finds the hem of her shirt more interesting than myself. I sigh because I know what’s coming and there is nothing I can do but sit and wait. Watch. I know this won’t be a happy ending.
“You’re a clumsy person, but not like this” I say, because what else is there for me to say. I shift my feet, feeling the grains of the sand beneath me. And I wait for the inevitable.
A second…
Two…
It doesn’t come.
“I can’t… You know this.” I decide it’s best to get it over and done with, rip the band aid off, as they say, because the more I wait the more my heart aches and the more I find myself picturing a different future.
Silence.
“But you can-”
I shut her down quickly, “I can’t.” A pause. It’s long as I try to find the right words. Nothing feels right. “So please, for both our sakes stop trying to make this hope a reality.”
She reaches out to hold my hands and as much as I don’t want this to happen, I let her. It might be the last time she will try. I can’t look at her so instead I turn my face towards the setting sun. I feel it's warm rays engulf my face, heating up the coldness inside of me. For the past three and a half billion years the sun has acted as a protector of this Earth, providing it with energy, light and life. It’s been here from the start, and it’s seen many stories not too different from ours. It knows what comes next. It watches.
“I.. I just…” She stumbles over her words, nervous, as I am too. “I need you. It’s not optional for me.”
It hurts, hearing her like this, just like every other time. It never gets easier. I look to the waves, the sun is too bright for my eyes.
“I know you want this too…”
I don’t. She begs.
“Please, just let me in”
I can’t. She tries to pull me closer.
“Look at me, please-”
I pull my hands away from hers. Like ripping a promise in two. I don’t need to see her face to know that expression, anger, betrayal, pain. I cause her pain. Silence again. This time it’s lonely, empty and I’m not waiting for anything. This time it digs itself into my heart and forces me to watch as it pierces hers too. My eyes prickle with emotions I have bottled up for too many years, but the damage has been done. The sound of hands falling to her side is the next thing I can hear and the sand shuffles around not far from my feet. I don’t need to look to know the soft patter of the sand slowly becoming more distant is her leaving me stranded here. I finally turn to look. She is the perfect silhouette to this beach, and I feel a part of me slip away.
My sunshine walks away. I watch.