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Dante had spent years looking for Vergil. Crossing cities, monster-infested forests, and forgotten ruins that stretched beneath endless skies. So many years with nothing. Sometimes there would be signs. A demon split cleanly in half, a sword mark carved through stone, a rumor of a silver-haired swordsman. Every time Dante followed them, the trail died. Every time it hurt a little more.
The worst part wasn't the danger or lack of power, not even the loneliness. Well... Actually, it was the loneliness. Because Dante missed his brother. He missed arguing with him, being insulted by him, missed watching him silently steal back his own book which had been stolen by Dante himself not long before that. He missed having someone around who understood things nobody else could. Mostly he missed knowing where Vergil was, because even when Vergil hated him, Dante knew he was alive.
One evening, exhausted and frustrated after a hopeless search, as always, Dante sat beside a swamp in loneliness, as always.
"I'm tired."
The swamp answered. As not always.
"Yeah, no fucking shit."
Dante nearly jumped into the water. "What the hell?"
Something enormous surfaced. A frog, a gigantic one. Not cute, let's see if it's magical, but definitely not princess-shaped. It's nearly as tall as Dante while sitting on its haunches, slimy white skin, one cloudy eye.
"..."
The frog took a drag. "You look like shit."
"Thanks, you too."
"You're welcome, asshole."
The frog squinted. "Lookin' for your brother?" and grinned wider after seeing Dante's reaction. "The fancy blue asshole?"
"Watch your mouth."
"Why?"
"He's my brother."
It snorted. "Your brother sounds like a prick."
"Only I get to say that."
"Fair." The frog hopped closer. Dante frowned, his heartbeat jumped instantly. "How do you know about him?"
"Oh, I know a lot of shit. I know Vergil, Eva, and Sparda!"
"You knew my father!?"
"Yeah. Big fucking guy in dark hell coat. Giant god damn sword. He was a pain in the ass."
Dante stared. "He was a hero."
"Always polite, never swore. That's honestly creepy."
"My father wasn't creepy. He was... just... mysterious"
"Anyone who goes fifty conversations without saying fuck is suspicious."
Dante put his head in his hands. Having to endure a frog that used swear words in place of punctuation and thought that made it look so cool was simply beyond his soft-skills capacity.
The frog continued. "Good fighter though."
"You actually met him"
"Yep. And on top of that, I know where Vergil is!"
"You do?" Dante immediately grabbed the frog. "Tell me!"
"No." The frog shrugged. "No pay, no way!"
Dante narrowed his eyes. "What do you want?"
"A kiss."
...
...Silence...
...
The swamp went quiet.
Dante stared.
The frog stared back.
A mosquito buzzed somewhere.
A fish jumped.
"...I beg your pardon?"
"A kiss!"
"No!"
Even the insects seemed offended!
"A little smooch."
"No."
"A passionate display of affection."
"No."
The frog shrugged. "Guess you'll never find Vergil then"
Dante nearly threw it into the swamp. He actually raised his arm, then lowered it.
Because what if? What if this stupid disgusting creature actually knew something?
"What kind of kiss?"
The frog looked delighted. "French one"
"No way"
"The romantic kind."
"Absolutely not."
"Then no deal."
Dante groaned so hard he felt his soul leave his body.
Two hours later he was still negotiating, and the frog was somehow winning. Dante rubbed his face. This was the worst day of his life, and he'd literally visited hell before. Unfortunately, the frog actually knew things. It knew details about Vergil nobody else should know. It knew details about Sparda. That was somehow worse.
Dante wanted to give in. He was desperate, he had no leads. It had been so many years and Vergil was still out there somewhere. And if there was even a chance...
"You do realize this is insane, don't you?"
"Life's fucking insane!"
"You are literally a swamp frog!"
"And you're literally desperate!"
Dante hated that it had a point. The frog leaned back.
"Look, buddy. Before you find your prince, you gotta kiss a lotta frogs."
"That's not how the story goes."
"Sure it is. Trust me."
"You are a frog."
"Exactly. How do you think I'm such an mtfk expert?"
Dante buried his face in his hands. This was the lowest point of his life. The frog stuck out its tongue. "So?"
"So what?"
"We kissin' or not?"
Dante looked at the sky. He wondered if God was laughing.
"You're really bad at romance."
Dante looked dead inside. "I'm kissing a frog."
"Oh please! If I turned out to be a beautiful princess, wouldn't you be so eager to do all this?"
"But you AREN'T!"
"Male..." The frog gave a long sigh as if she were disappointed in all the men on Earth. "Good looking or not, you should at least show respect to a lady!"
"You are NOTHING like a lady."
Dante shivered, every instinct in his body was trying to stop him, every survival mechanism evolved over millions of years screamed. This was wrong. This was unnatural. This was a crime against existence.
But then he thought about Vergil.
His brother might, at this very moment, need him more than anyone. He might be waiting for the help that never arrived, he must be feeling helpless, while Dante was here wasting his precious time arguing with a frog.
The frog interrupted his thoughts. "Oh, before we start."
A camera appeared, Dante stared. "Where did that come from?"
"Camera store."
"We're in a swamp."
The frog ignored him. It began setting up a tripod.
"No."
"Yes" - The frog pointed at the camera - "For memories."
"There will be no memories."
"There will."
"There won't."
"There fucking will."
Dante looked toward the heavens. No help arrived. "Why do you need a camera?"
The frog looked offended. "So I can watch it later."
Dante nearly suffered psychic damage. "What?"
"Cold lonely nights."
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!"
"Aww~~"
"DON'T AWW!!"
The first kiss preparation took twenty minutes. The frog puckered dramatically, Dante immediately looked away.
"Don't..."
"What?"
"That."
The frog puckered harder. "Like this?"
"Oh my God."
"Do I make your heart race?"
"I miss Vergil."
"What?"
"I said I miss Vergil!" That became his strategy. Every time he had to approach the frog, Dante thought about Vergil. Think about him, his silver hair, his neat and shiny Yamato. Think Dante, think! About his stupid serious face, about how he'd call this idiotic. Think about...
The frog leaned closer. Dante lost the battle immediately.
"Fuck."
"Language"
"YOU ARE THE ONE SWEARING!!"
The first kiss lasted less than a second. Dante staggered backward instantly. "OH GOD." The frog cackled. "You should've seen your face."
"You taste like swamp water."
"I live in a swamp."
"You taste like batteries."
"I eat batteries."
"WHY?"
"They're crunchy."
Dante almost threw up. The poor demon hunter began wiping his mouth with his sleeve, then started to use his whole jacket, then a nearby leaf, then another leaf, then a rock.
"Disgusting!"
"Oh no!"
Dante stared. "What do you mean 'oh no'?"
The frog checked a notebook. "The ritual requires more"
"What ritual?"
"The Fantastic Brother and Where To Find Him ritual."
"THAT'S NOT A REAL THING"
"Sure it is"
"You're making this up!"
The frog flipped a page. "Three kisses minimum."
Dante screamed, didn’t even let the frog finish the sentence. The moment it flipped the page with those disgusting wet fingers, something in him finally snapped.
“No!”
Dante stepped forward, grabbed it by the collar of its slimy skin, and yanked it up so they were eye-level.
“I am not doing your cursed swamp romance trilogy. I am not doing sequels. I am not doing director’s cuts.”
The frog tried to look unimpressed, but its eye twitched.
“Now listen here...”
Dante shook it slightly.
“NO. You listen!”
The swamp went silent in a way that felt spiritually endangered. Dante pointed at the camera like it was a crime scene.
“That thing? You delete it!”
The frog immediately clutched the camera protectively. “Absolutely not.”
“I will burn it.”
“You can’t burn art.”
“It’s not art. It’s emotional blackmail with a lens!”
The frog hesitated. Then, for the first time, it didn’t argue. Instead, it lowered the camera a little.
“…Fine.”
Dante blinked. “Fine?”
The frog cleared its throat awkwardly. "Just one more kiss will be fine~"
"No."
"The previous one had a bad angle."
"No."
"The lighting sucks."
"NO!"
"I think we can get more chemistry."
"I WILL THROW YOU INTO THE SUN!"
The frog made notes. "Subject displays emotional vulnerability."
"I DISPLAY HOMICIDAL INTENT!"
“Alright... You don’t have to do more kisses.”
Dante narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Now we’re talking.”
“But”
There it was.
Dante’s soul visibly left his body again. “But what?”
The frog suddenly perked up, voice shifting into something almost excited. “You let me show the footage.”
...
“…The footage?”
“Yeah.”
“To who?”
The frog gestured vaguely at the swamp like it contained an entire civilization. “To my people”
Dante stared.
“…You have people?”
“Of course I have people, you racist asshole.”
“I didn’t...”
“They’re frogs!”
Alright... That didn’t help.
The frog continued quickly, words spilling out faster now, almost enthusiastic. “They’re gonna LOVE this. You have no idea. This is premium content. Tragic demon hunter, missing brother arc, emotional repression, forced swamp intimacy.”
Dante slowly released its collar. “…You are insane”
“I’m a visionary.”
“You’re a disease.”
“A profitable disease.”
It leaned closer, suddenly earnest in a way that made it worse. “We don’t get content like this often, okay? Most of the swamp feed is just bugs dying and turtles being boring. But this? This is cinema, generational wealth, and definitely will revive the politics and society of my entire species. All my kind are gonna enjoy it!”
Dante paused.
“…Swamp feed?”
The frog waved it off. “Point is, I won't ask for more kisses. Let me go”
A beat.
Dante slowly crossed his arms.
“So what’s the catch?”
The frog smiled, wider than before.
“Just let me distribute it.”
“…Distribute it?”
“Yeah.”
“To your frog friends?”
“Yeah.”
Dante closed his eyes. Somewhere, deep in his chest, he accepted something horrifyingly simple:
This was not a fairy tale. There was no fairy at all. Not a princess story. No, no princess at all. At the end of the day, frogs stay as frogs. It was just a SCAM.
A swamp scam with emotional damage and a camera.
He exhaled slowly. “…Fine.”
The frog froze. “…Wait. Really?”
Dante pointed a finger at it. “But if I ever see that footage outside this swamp…” He smiled faintly “…I’m finding every frog in existence and deleting your entire marketing department.”
The frog nodded instantly. “Respect.”
It paused. Then, quietly:
“Also I’m cutting you in on profits.”
“I don’t want your money.”
“Coward.”
Dante turned away, already walking. Behind him, the frog held the camera up like a sacred relic.
“THIS IS GOING TO MAKE ME SO FUCKING MUCH MONEY,” it whispered reverently.
Dante didn’t look back.
Weeks passed. The clues worked. For the first time in years, the trail continued. Every lead connected to another. Every path moved forward. The frog had been telling the truth. Mostly.
Unfortunately it followed him, for weeks, constantly, uninvitedly.
"So, your brother always this dramatic?"
"Yes."
"Bet he's annoying."
"Extremely."
"Bet you wanna punch him."
"Frequently."
"Bet you love him."
Dante paused.
The frog smirked.
"Gotcha."
"Shut up."
Then it betrayed him. Twice, or more.
Sold information to demons; stole his food; lied about shortcuts; stole more food; insulted his haircut; insulted his outlook; insulted his personality; insulted his character development;...
Stole a pizza.
That! Is NOT forgivable! Dante couldn't believe he had ever kissed this creature.
"My pizza!"
"OUR pizza."
"MY pizza!"
"Communism."
"That's not what communism is."
The frog shoved the rest into its mouth.
Months later they reached a mountain. The frog stopped walking. "He's up there."
Dante froze. For a moment he couldn't breathe. After all these years. After all the dead ends, the false hopes. After every miserable day. The trail finally ended here. Vergil.
He was so close.
The frog sat beside him. For once. It wasn't swearing. The silence felt strange. Dante looked down. "No tricks?"
"No tricks."
Dante stared at the mountain. The frog stared at him then finally asked, "Was it worth it?"
Dante laughed. A little. Because the answer should have been obvious. He thought about the journey. The deserts, the forests, the monsters. The years. And the loneliness that came with all that. The ridiculous giant frog. The camera footage that absolutely had to be destroyed. The kiss. God. The kiss. Then he thought about Vergil, somewhere above them, alive. And suddenly none of the rest mattered.
"If he's really up there?"
The frog nodded. "Yeah." Dante smiled a small tired smile. "The truth is..." He looked toward the mountain. "If it means seeing Vergil again..."
The frog snorted. "You're a goddamn pathetic idiot"
"Probably."
"A lovesick idiot."
Dante rolled his eyes. "He's my brother"
He would never tell Vergil all this. Ever. Not under torture, not at gunpoint, not even on his deathbed. Especially because Vergil would laugh, and Dante would rather die.
Dante swallowed. "What happens now?"
The frog shrugged.
"You go get your prince?"
Dante glanced at it. "He's not a prince."
"Sure"
"He's not."
The frog grinned.
"Then why'd you cross half the world for him?"
Dante opened his mouth, then closed it. The frog's grin widened.
"Exactly."
"Shut up."
"Make me."
Dante picked up a rock. The frog immediately fled.
"THAT'S ASSAULT!"
"COME BACK HERE!"
"POLICE BRUTALITY!"
"There AREN'T ANY POLICE!"
The frog disappeared into the bushes, still screaming profanity.
Dante looked toward the mountain, toward where Vergil waited. A small smile appeared on his face as he started climbing. Behind him, somewhere deep in the swamp, a familiar voice echoed through the distance.
"GOOD LUCK YOU SENTIMENTAL DUMBASS!"
Dante laughed despite himself, then he kept going, toward his brother, toward home.
Because fairy tales were wrong.
Sometimes the prince didn't rescue anybody, he was the one being searched for.
And sometimes, before you found him
You had to kiss a lot of frogs.