Chapter Text
Subaru stared at the ceiling.
The simple, cream white ceiling.
Well, it didn't look quite white at that moment, as it was only the moonlight that allowed Subaru to see it, shifting its color to a blueish silver.
What was so interesting about that ceiling, really? Nothing. He just wanted to go to sleep.
But his eyes were kept open.
It’s not that he was keeping himself awake, not really. It's just that, if he closed his eyes, his mind would flood with regrets and unneeded thoughts.
So, it was better to stare at the plain ceiling.
He had hoped his body would just decide to shut down by itself like that, without having to sort through the regrets, without having to endure through the nightmares.
None of his hopes ever came true, Subaru realized as the first rays of dawn spilled through the curtains of his bedroom. He had spent the whole night staring at the ceiling, busying himself with keeping his mind empty.
Well, as much as he could, anyway.
A yet unfamiliar warmth shifted to his side, and he remembered that his contracted spirit, a cute little girl named Beatrice, snuggled to his arm. She truly was very adorable.
It had taken her a while to get used to their new lives. At first, she didn't have any sense of space and followed Subaru even in the restroom, but she still somewhat kept her distance, nervousness caused by a sudden change in routine after 400 years of waiting inside a library. On the first night, he remembered her fidgeting a lot before he got her in bed, sitting quite awkwardly as if in a place she wasn't quite sure she belonged in.
It had taken Subaru tucking her in and giving her a good night forehead kiss before she relaxed quite a bit— But it really took her cuddling against Subaru’s chest to fully find herself comfortable. He didn't dislike it, quite the contrary; He always wanted a little sibling to hug into the night like this. It really alleviated his own loneliness.
He hoped it alleviated Beatrice’s, too.
But the next problem had come up: Falling asleep was extremely difficult for Subaru.
There was always ringing in his ears, an alarm bell in the back of his head warning him of nonexistent dangers. every hour, every minute, every second. Closing his eyes despite that only led to various regrets to pile up and crash on him— He should've done this, he should've said that; This killer deserves nothing, this failure can't do anything right without dying, was death really the only thing that gave his existence value—
Oops, had to forcefully end his train of thought there. After all, he had promised Satella to value himself a little more. He did that.
He had to remember that.
He didn't want to make the others sad.
“...”
Subaru had a tiny little secret. Not anything too bad; He wasn't harming anyone.
Well, anyone but himself.
There was a very specific kind of relief that came out along with the blood seeping out of the scratches on his wrist dug out by Subaru's nails. Being punished and silencing all those nasty thoughts could even be considered euphoric for Natsuki Subaru. It was a small moment where he could turn the invisible pain into something visible, turn the intangible into something tangible, turn the illusion into reality.
Beatrice didn't pick up on it, or at least, not yet— Which was a good thing. He already felt terribly ashamed for seeking escape from his pain like so.
But he really only needed to alleviate an itch, a ring, a pressure that just wouldn't have gone away otherwise. It kind of helped him sleep as the physical pain overtook the mental one…
Before the nightmares struck, anyway.
It was an entire ordeal of swallowing back his screams, trying not to wake Beatrice up, sometimes waking her up anyway, sometimes falling back asleep after taking a walk, sometimes not sleeping at all for the rest of the night, sometimes not really realizing if he had actually slept or not, sometimes having to scratch all over again just to get rid of the phantoms gnawing at his insides. Once before, he had even fallen sick due to exhaustion from too many lost nights, and he was reprimanded heavily for it (man, Otto had so many white nights on end spent working, how did he not ever get sick? He should take more care of himself); He could only feel worse when he felt like he was dragging everyone down in such moments of weakness he wanted to avoid.
So his sleeping habits worsened, too, being caught sleeping— or rather, napping— in odd places at odd times of the day. At least his routines were kept majorly intact. He couldn't have survived the constant inner chaos otherwise. Routines had always helped him feel less overwhelmed by daily life, and they were very helpful in keeping track with time. In the back of his mind, dying in his sleep was always a possibility, after all.
Shaking his head, Subaru sat up as he watched the spirit beside him flutter her eyes open. Her blonde hair was messy from a sleep that was rather fitful at first— She sometimes had nightmares of her terrible, terrible lonely days— But as Subaru had been unable to sleep that night whatsoever, he just held her hand, tightened their embrace and gently patted her back throughout the night until her tiny body had relaxed. So perhaps it wasn't all bad that he had been forced awake the entire night, if it meant making up for even a little of those long four hundred years she was left to endure the solitude.
Beatrice’s adorable yawn always brought the first smile of the day out of her contractor.
“Good morning, Beako!”
“Good morning, I suppose… It is quite rare that Subaru wakes up before Betty…”
“Well, you know, the early bird gets the worm! I’m going with Emilia-tan today to go shopping in Costuul, so I woke up early in excitement!” Subaru replied in a cheery tone, perhaps a little bit forced. He didn't consider it to be quite that noticeable, but…
Beatrice had lightly squeezed his hand.
“Perhaps Betty should consider that «early» as not having slept at all again, I wonder?" Her tone was a bit dejected, her butterfly pupils wavering.
“... I slept well the night before, so there shouldn't be a big problem…” A lie. He couldn't particularly rest well for the past few days.
“... Betty thinks it can't go on like this, in fact.”
“Hey, it's not like I don't sleep on purpose…! It just happens.”
“Should Betty ask Ram for some of her incense? Her condition sometimes needs it so she can fall asleep properly, but I suppose she can lend you some.”
“Oh, I don't know about that… Last time I accidentally messed with her stuff I ended up with boiled tea spilled on my head.”
“Accidentally going through her things is different from properly borrowing— Did I hear boiled tea, I wonder!?” Beatrice suddenly stood up on the bed and parted Subaru's hair with her hands, checking for possible burns.
“It's alright, it's alright, it didn't leave anything. It's an old story, honestly. But, you're right. I’ll ask Ram after we get back.” Subaru returned a sheepish smile, folding his arms in his lap as the spirit fiddled with his hair.
He didn't really want to rely on things like pills and incense to help; He’s lazy, so his body definitely would become accustomed to them and fall asleep with even more difficulty than before without them.
That said, it's not like he could fall asleep without anything at all in the first place...
“Is it not better for you to rest today if you lack it, I suppose?” Beatrice sat back on the bed, giving Subaru a concerned look that tugged at his heartstrings.
“No, no, no! I can't do that, Beako! You see, we’re going shopping for something Emilia needs, but since it'll be only us two, it’d technically be a date, you know? I can't miss it!”
Well that, and the fact that he dislikes leaving Emilia alone outside of the mansion. What if anything happened and he wasn't there? No, no! He had to stay nearby to make sure she's safe and healthy! He knew it was his paranoia talking, but he had to stifle it all the same.
Beatrice gave him a strange look, but didn't say anything back. She hopped off the bed and went to the vanity in their room sitting on Beatrice's tailor-made cushion chair that stood beside Subaru's own.
“Well, alright, I suppose. Will you come and comb Betty's hair, then? She has to look prim and proper every day, in fact.”
“Of course, of course! Should I do the usual hairstyle?” Subaru lifted himself off the bed, brushing off the black spots forming in his vision for two or so seconds. Picking up the brush, he gently combed Beatrice's hair from the ends up until the knots tangling it were all gone, finishing it with a light scalp massage that he knew his spirit always loved.
“Betty doesn't feel like trying anything new today, so keep it as is, I suppose.”
And so the morning passed, getting Beatrice ready and then getting ready himself (and making sure to clean his scratches and bandage them while in the bathroom), holding hands as they headed to the dinner room and smiling in excitement at the tasty breakfast meals Frederica and Petra surely prepared.
Things were largely normal, aside from Subaru getting sudden bouts of sleepiness during breakfast, at one point almost falling face-down on his pancakes. He was greatly embarrassed because of it, but at the very least, he wasn't alone.
“Otto, you are two fire stones away from using your food as a pillow. Embarrassing.” Ram rebuked Otto, who was revealed to have pulled an all-nighter and was in a similar state to Subaru’s.
“Hey, it's not my fault the workload is just so terrible! I had no choice!”
“You have the choice of taking better care of yourself so you don't confuse eating with sleeping. The same applies to Barusu who doesn't even have the excuse of paperwork. Cute Ram over here bets he lost sleep over fantasizing about us in lewd positions. Pervert.” Ram remarked with a smug look, taking another bite of her pancake.
“Lewd positions?” Emilia tilted her head, wondering what positions would be considered lewd. What did lewd even mean in the first place?
“—Hey, aren't you just projecting here!?” Subaru's heart quickened rather oblivious to Emilia's innocence, and he didn't want the conversation to take a turn where no one was left able to eat. He also didn't want the girl to think he was thinking of such impure things before marriage, especially of someone other than her. He was saving himself in both body and mind for Emilia, okay?!
“Roswaal-sama’s manly figure is just too alluring. I can't help it.”
Roswaal choked on his food. He didn't even say anything, he just grabbed his glass of water and gulped it down, holding a palm to his chest before biting into the next pancake.
“Nobody mentioned Roswaal…” A mental image of Roswaal doing a sexy pose while being butt naked formed inside Subaru's head. His body was rather well-toned and, well, he had a big soldier... It was accurate, considering he had seen him like that in the baths before, when he was holding Subaru's chin and called him his property…
“—EW, I JUST IMAGINED IT! Now I want to throw up!!! Nee-sama, why would you do this to my maidenly heart!?”
Roswaal choked on his food for a second time.
“Don't throw up while thinking about Roswaal-sama, you tasteless pervert!!!”
“Ram and Subaru think of Roswaal in lewd positions?” Emilia asked on the side, completely stuck in her own lack of knowledge.
And then a third time.
“Emilia-tan, I swear this is not what you think it is,” Subaru despaired.
“Hey, Otto-nii,” Garfiel pulled at Otto’s sleeve with a confused frown on his face, “is Roswaal really that good lookin’? My amazin’ self tries to imagine these ‘lewd positions’, ‘n my amazin’ self only gets angry instead.”
And a fourth…
Roswaal’s coughing was getting really loud.
“Hey, are we sure Roswaal's not dying on us?”
Nobody really seemed to pay attention. Was it only Subaru who could hear that? It was really loud. Everyone was really loud in general, so perhaps they just didn't hear.
“Is it not worrying that you're trying to do that in the first place!?”
“No, ‘cause my amazin’ self gets really mad at the Roswaal inside my head winking at me while revealing a shoulder. My amazin’ self doesn't want to see ‘im again for the rest of the day.”
“Why is Roswaal suddenly preying on children!?”
“Even I~ Wouldn't stoop that low~” The Lord of the mansion stated in-between coughs and forced smiles. He kept trying to drink water to calm down, but too many jabs were bad for his health. Quite literally.
“Somehow, I don't trust Roswaal-sama on this.”
“How mean~” He replied in a dejected voice.
“—Please stop talking about Roswaal-sama’s appeal at the breakfast table. You are going to kill him.” Frederica chimed in, who in the meantime had stood up from her seat to pat Roswaal's back as she refilled his glass.
“I think they should continue if that's the case.” Petra argued in a cold voice.
“Unexpected cruelty from the youngest among us!?”
“Is winking at someone considered lewd? Subaru winks at me all the time… I see. I rea~lly like Subaru being lewd for me.”
“—Emilia-tan!?”
“Oh, but I guess Subaru would have to flash a shoulder at me? Hmm. Only if you want to, Subaru, oh-key? I won't force you.”
“————”
And so, Emilia innocently demolished Subaru, and the breakfast meal ended in two casualties. Thanks to the light and talkative atmosphere of the meal, even if it was loud and a bit overwhelming, he was able to stave off the need for sleep for a while, as much as he could. Just… just ten seconds and he would be able to keep awake for another ten minutes…
“But, Subaru, are you sure you want to come with? Shouldn't you rest…?”
“——”
“Subaru?” The half-elf showed concern at Subaru's unresponsiveness, so she lightly touched his shoulder. She quickly pulled her hand back when he flinched and snapped his eyes open.
“—Oh? Ah! Um, come on, Emilia-tan, why wouldn't I? I’m your knight, right? I have plenty of energy, so one sleepless night shouldn't do anything bad to me.”
“But it's important to get eight hours of sleep every night, and you rea~lly seem to need some…”
“I’m resilient enough, so really, it's no problem! Please take me with you…!”
Emilia had been overwhelmed by Subaru's terribly adorable pleading faces, and she sighed in response.
“... Alright, but we’ll shorten the trip, I’ll only get what I need and leave, and you’ll go get some sleep right after we get back.”
The date shortening was bad news, but at least it still happened, so it was an overall win for Natsuki Subaru. Just not a perfect one.
He wasn't going to tell anyone that on the way back to his room to prepare for the trip, he randomly tripped over his own feet and just barely prevented himself from having his face meet the floor. That would’ve been too embarrassing.
The sun seemed far brighter to Subaru than usual, irritating to his eyes. When he saw the clear sky outside the window this morning, he thought he would be in a good mood today, so it was all the more annoying that it had the opposite effect.
Emilia walking next to him had blown most of it away, but the brain fog that settled in from the poor sleep made him paying attention to the most basic tasks difficult, and overexerting his mind to focus only added on to the stress. He had slapped himself every time he felt like he was going to fall asleep while walking, earning even more concern from Emilia.
“Subaru, maybe you should've just stayed back after all. You're not looking well…”
“I told you, Emilia-tan! I’m good! I just want to enjoy this trip, and I’ll accompany you to the library to borrow those history books you said you need. Maybe I’ll find some books for myself, and nothing bad will happen!”
It was irritating. Not Emilia, of course! He'd rather slit his throat than call her annoying. He was doing fine! He had to be doing fine! What if anything happened to Emilia while he dozed off? Of course, she's strong enough to handle herself, but you never know where a Sin Archbishop or Great Mabeast could pop up from!
And, you know, he was really enjoying this date! It was only him and Emilia on a walk! Sure, the sun was bright on his eyes and the passerbies were too loud and his head started to ache, but he was enjoying it!
But Emilia seemed unconvinced. Averting his gaze before she could say anything, he pointed to the library he just saw across the street.
“Look! We’ve arrived. Let's go and get those books~” He put up a smile, sincerely glad that he had an excuse to switch the topic.
“Subaru…”
He wasn't going to hear any of it, he really wasn't. He was going to nap afterwards, he just had to hold on. Holding on while the sound of something hitting and hitting the stone-paved road was grating at his ears. So he walked to the library, crossing the street… Why was everything so loud, actually?
“—Subaru!!”
His vision rolled as his body was yanked back onto the sidewalk with a high-pitched yelp, losing his balance and colliding with another body.
“Uh? What? Sorry, wha…?”
The body he somehow collided into held him tight, triggering a scream from his own to close his eyes right there. But he couldn't, he was… He was on a date… With Emilia… And… They had to buy some books! Some books, the library! He just had to cross the road, but something happened?
“Subaru, are you okay!?”
He recognized that the person who was holding him so tightly was Emilia, making him blush. Why was she so concerned? She suddenly pulled him in a hug like that, a way to play with his heart, this angel…
Now that he looked at her, why was she so distressed? What did he mess up? Oh, no, no, no…
“... Why wouldn't I be?”
“You didn't see that dragon carriage coming at full speed!? You were just about to get hit by it, you dunderhead!”
“Eh? What? Huh?” Subaru stood up straight in alarm, scanning for any threat coming to them.
“... You should've gone back to bed… We could’ve just gone shopping tomorrow instead. I’m sorry.” Emilia made a terribly sad face that sliced through his heart like nothing else. He made her sad.
“No, no, I was… I was just not paying attention…! Sorry!”
Crossing the street with his hand in hers, she went past the library to a nearby bench in the shade, and gently pushed her knight’s shoulders down as to have him sit. She had also bought some cool water from a vendor, placing it in his hands as she checked his temperature. The girl let out a sigh in relief at the conclusion that he hadn't gotten himself a fever from exhaustion.
“You know that last time this happened, you got rea~lly sick but still pushed yourself and made things even worse. I don't think you want to go through that again, so sit still until I get back, oh-key?”
“But…”
“I’ll make sure to find you a good book to read, too.”
She would’ve definitely gotten mad if he pressed any further. He really messed up.
“... Mm. Don't take too long, Emilia-tan. I’ll get lonely.”
“Of course. Make sure to drink the water I got.”
At least the library was still within his vision, so he could see Emilia get in and out. Maybe it was indeed the sun that made him feel worse. It was just…
Why couldn't he close his eyes at night, and during the day he couldn't even function? That wasn't right. He wasn't losing sleep on purpose. He just wanted to enjoy what he had. The bench was tough so it wasn't good to sleep on, but his eyes briefly closed. Just for a little. Just for a little…
“Sorry, can I sit next to you?”
Subaru once again snapped his eyes open, escaping a quiet gasp as a stranger’s voice made its way to his ears. It was an average-looking man that was relatively well dressed and slicked back blue hair, holding a fancy looking bag, similar to a suitcase. It gave Subaru the impression of a salesman.
“Sure, but I’m not buying anything…”
The man held his breath for a second, then let out a short laugh as he sat down next to him.
“People do tell me I have the looks of a merchant, yes. Well, they're not wrong. I work in… pharmaceuticals.”
“Pharmaceuticals? Like medicine, and stuff? I’m guessing you're not a doctor, though.”
“Correct. I’m just a merchant in charge of distributing medicine. I was taking a break just now. The sun really is strong, huh?”
“Ah, mm. Yeah. I thought it'd make me feel good, but it's just irritating and I wanna sleep.”
“I apologize. I saw the incident just earlier, I should've first asked if you’re alright. That carriage should've gone slower.” The man’s tone had changed to a more serious one as he lowered his eyebrows in concern. The lack of wrinkles in that expression gave the impression of superficiality, however.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. I just wasn't looking. I didn't see it at all, so I would've gotten hit if not for Emilia. Thanks for worrying, though.”
“Pardon my intrusion once more, but… May you be interested in my company's latest product?”
“Product? You mean, some sorta pills…? Sorry man, I’m not ill.”
“Medicine is not only for the sick, sir. It can also be just health supplements.”
“Ah, like those capsules with Magnesium, Vit C, stuff like that? Anyone can consume them in moderation and it helps with keeping the body healthy…”
“... I don't know… what either of those are, but yes, indeed like so. As a merchant in this area of expertise for years, I couldn't help but notice that you lack a concerning amount of sleep, so I was wondering…”
“—I don't want to get anything for it. I don't know how advanced this world is on healthcare outside of healing magic, so I don't want any unwanted side effects that make me explode on a random Tuesday, thank you anyway.”
“Sir, I promise that taking a pill will not make you explode, that is absurd!” The man reached out of the suitcase and picked out an unlabeled glass bottle of pills. Shouldn't someone normally label these…? “One per day, thirty minutes before you go to sleep. Two if you cannot fall asleep at all.”
“I told you man, I don't want to take any… I’ll figure my problem out myself…”
“But consistent poor sleep is bad for your health! I’m sure you already worried the girl that's with you as well! When a person can't get well by themselves, they need medication to help...” The blue-haired merchant closed their distance, making Subaru a little uncomfortable.
Well, it's true he was worrying the people around again. Beatrice in the morning, and Emilia just now with the carriage incident. His lack of sleep was disrupting his life and theirs, he could not lie to himself about this.
But relying on medicine!? He didn't want to rely on that…! He didn't want to rely on healing magic, either! But…
But…
But…
When is Emilia coming back…
“—I’ll give you this bottle for free,” The merchant continued, placing the bottle in Subaru's hand. It was pretty small, just enough for it to fit in his pocket. “If you don't like it, you don't have to take any.”
Subaru stared at the merchant’s face, committing it to memory while trying to figure out whatever his deal was.
“But if you do, please just meet me again at this bench in three weeks. There's enough pills in there for thirty days, as long as you respect what I have told you.”
Emilia was finally coming back and waving at Subaru, a bag filled with various books over her shoulder.
“Well, then. It was a nice conversation we had. I hope they’ll help with whatever you're struggling with.”
And as she got to the bench, the merchant man stood up and departed, leaving Subaru confused. He left the pills in the pocket, not knowing what to make of anything. It just left his mouth dry, and so he remembered to drink the water.
“Who was that man, Subaru? A friend?”
“No… I don't know who that was. He was kinda weird and pushy.”
Emilia pouted. “So he didn't let you at least doze off a little.”
“Not really…”
“What a rude person… Well, it's fine. Let's go back, I’ll tuck you into bed.”
“Emilia-tan, I don't need to be tucked in!”
“Yes, yes.”
So their already short date had come to an end, going back to the mansion with various books for the both of them and a strange bottle of pills quietly rattling in the knight’s pocket.
As Emilia had told him, the next thing he did was lie down in bed. The sun was still high up in the sky and everyone was busy, so he felt bad about being the only one sitting around like a bum.
He dug in his pocket for the strange bottle, looking at it as the sun’s rays illuminated the inside.
“... It might be dangerous, since it's completely unlabeled.”
It could be poison. He could die by poison in a terrible way. He didn't want to die. It would be even worse if he died in his sleep.
But what would that man have to gain from killing him? Perhaps it was targeted. Perhaps he had something against Emilia so he went after her knight.
Or perhaps he was just concerned about him because of that accident.
Not all people are evil, Subaru. Not all of them are out for you or Emilia's necks.
If it was poison, why would he tell him how many to take?
But his mom always warned him about accepting things from strangers.
Maybe he should ask Otto…
So walking to Otto’s office and knocking on his door, he waited for a response from the man he could rely on.
…
However, there was none.
Perhaps Otto just didn't hear it. So he knocked again, louder.
…
…
Maybe he just went to the bathroom. Subaru waited outside for five minutes or so, with no sight of him. He started picking at his nails in nervousness and impatience, growing irritated at each passing minute. Subaru wanted to go to sleep, but didn't really trust some random man he met on the street a few hours ago. He wanted Otto’s input.
His attention snapped to the sound of footsteps, and was about to rush right to the green-clad man, but…
“Oh, you want to talk to Otto-nii? He went to sleep just a little while before you and Emilia-sama arrived. My amazin’ self thinks we should let him rest.”
It was Garfiel whose footsteps belonged to, wanting to go to his own room. When Subaru asked about Otto, that was what he was told, and the knight had to fully agree. After all, Otto was a very, very hard worker, losing his sleep over important matters for the camp.
Not like Subaru, who didn't fill his time with anything but fears of nightmares and hopes of falling asleep. Utterly useless. He wanted to rip his own hair out. Subaru was a bit envious of Otto’s ability to fall asleep so quickly and deeply, but that was probably the perk of diligence. Subaru was just being punished for being lazy.
So he was back to square one, laying down in bed and contemplating the contents of the bottle.
“There’s a chance it's poison… And there's another chance it would just mess me up…”
But when he thought about how he was worrying everyone again…
“There's a chance it might be a genuine article.”
Still, still, still! He shouldn't!
He’d just grow reliant on it. He should try to fall asleep naturally first.
Putting the bottle in the nightstand drawer, he shut his eyes.
…
…
…
Useless waste of space. Can't even fall asleep. What can you even do? Let everyone die, that's what it is.
…
…
…
What, on the road you were barely keeping yourself from sleeping while standing, and here you just waste time doing nothing? Seriously?
…
…
…
Yeah, sure. Go worry Emilia, go worry Beatrice. Go worry Ram, Otto, Petra, Frederica…
…
…
…
Rem would be really disappointed in you.
Subaru opened his eyes. He was exhausted just trying. Maybe he should’ve just walked until he collapsed and just slept on the floor. He wasn't going to rely on strange unlabeled pills. He wasn't.
Just as he was about to lift himself off the bed, he heard the door’s handle slightly rattling, as if they're trying to get in undetected— getting him to lay back on the bed and keep his eyes shut.
Why would he be doing that? He wasn't twelve years old anymore, his mom and dad weren't there to check he was asleep and not staying awake past 10pm to play video games. It was his room, he was 18 years old, and there was no schedule to be grounded for if it wasn't respected. He just… Did that.
Was it because he had taken his sleep time for granted until now? Well, it was as expected of someone as horrible as Natsuki Subaru. Therefore, perhaps the reason why he was faking his sleep at the moment was due to an intense guilt blooming from his gut.
He heard footsteps. They were light, but not too light, so it was neither Petra nor Beatrice. He heard the sound of heels, so it was between Emilia, Ram or Frederica.
Why? He wondered. Maybe they wanted something from him and he should've stayed awake… But there wasn't any knock, so it had to be someone who already expected he'd be asleep.
It was Emilia. When the figure approached him and placed a hand upon his forehead, he could recognize that cool, gentle palm anywhere. Subaru tried his hardest to keep his breathing regular and heart under control, to not have it go haywire just from the love of his life blessing him with such a gentle touch.
He heard a soft hum coming from her palm, and her already cool hand emanated more of that cold, having him unconsciously release a sigh of relief from how nice it felt, temporarily relieving him from the tension accumulated, like an ice pack on a migraine. After some time, that same hand stroked his hair for a short while before placing something heavy onto the nightstand, and the footsteps then went away, disappearing completely with a click of the door.
Emilia was gone, a signal for Subaru to open his eyes again. So when he gazed upon the heavy object, the boy realised it was a book. He recognized the title— It was in the list of recommendations Beatrice had given him so he could improve his language skills. It wasn't base level, but it wasn't too advanced either; Perfect for Subaru to use for furthering his education.
She really was so thoughtful, paying so much attention to him. Subaru didn't deserve that kind of kindness; Not when he surely ruined her day with his recklessness and stupidity.
…
The least he could do was fall asleep, right?
But he wasn't making any progress. He couldn't do that by himself.
So, he opened the drawer.
“...”
“Two if I couldn't sleep at all, right?”
“Just this once to try it out… If I feel something odd, I’ll just make myself throw up.”
Just a little bit of peace, for himself and for the others. To stop the headaches, the brain fog, the dizziness, the lack of awareness, to stop everything being so loud and bright all the time. To repay everyone for the concern they've shown.
He opened the bottle with a pop, and took out two pills and downed them in a loud gulp before putting the glass in the nightstand’s drawer. Now, all Subaru had to do is wait.
“It would be a real downer if it just didn't do anything, though.”
Even if it was better than it being some fucked up poison that melted his insides. The thought scared him, so he rushed to the toilet and considered vomiting everything out.
But he wasn't feeling anything bad, so it was probably okay. He wasn't queasy or having his sight distorted or anything. He didn't feel any pain outside of that persistent headache.
Just… Exhaustion.
And several minutes later…
Subaru had fallen asleep with his head resting on the toilet seat.