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A typical day in Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary involved at least an hour of TV time, which was usually dedicated to the academic program “Miss Sally’s Whatever The Show Is Right Now.”
Today, it was Miss Sally’s Wedding Ceremony. Nooter was the officiatorrrr, and Miss Sally was getting married to some guy no one had ever seen before. Pecky was the flower girl. So cute! So cute! So cute!
Busmalis said, “This is the worst Miss Sally ever.”
Everyone else was inclined to agree. Her wedding dress was surprisingly modest, and covered up her best assets. Usually, there is no alternative programming, but on this day, Arif was passing out flyers. They appeared to be thoughtfully made using the prison computers. At the top of the paper was large lettering that said “HALAL FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT”, right below it, some rainbow WordArt with a fancy shadow on it, saying “Finding Nemo 2”. Then, a stock image of a happy clownfish. Finally, at the bottom, smaller text saying “Inshallah they find him”. Arif passed these out with a hard to read expression, moving amongst the rest of the prisoners with ease, not minding their confused faces.
Busmalis and Rebadow were looking at the same piece of paper, and Busmalis asked, “Bob, I thought Halal had something to do with food… how can a movie be Halal?”
“I think it’s the way they prepare the clownfish,” Bob said, not knowing shit.
“Oh!”
Busmalis turned to Tobias, who sat across from them as usual. “Hey Beecher, didn’t you have a situationship so terrible that you converted to Islam at one point? Do you know about any of this stuff?”
Tobias was the only one actually engaged in Miss Sally’s Wedding Ceremony (it reminded him of his wife, God rest her, I mean, Allah rest her), so it took him a moment to comprehend the question. He said, “First off, uncalled for. Second, yes, but I was only muslim for maybe a week. Halal is just whatever the Qur’an allows. Or. Something like that.”
Rebadow didn’t take his headphones off, thoroughly mostly locked into the show, but he responded, “I thought it was food.”
“No, it’s really complicated. I don’t really know. You could probably ask Arif. He’s actually dedicated to his faith.”
“Arif, is this true?” Busmalis asked.
Arif was kind of occupied at the moment, but he looked over and was like, “Yes?”
“Yes what?”
“Tobias was muslim for a week.”
“No, about the definition of Halal.”
“It’s complicated. I’m trying to pass out flyers right now. Can this wait?”
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll go see the movie if I don’t know what Halal is.”
“I would not mind explaining it to you,” Kareem Said emerged into the main area of Em City.
“Said,” Tobias rose to meet him, “I heard about this Halal Family Movie Night you’re hosting.”
“That is correct. I got explicit permission from McManus to do so. He thinks such a heartwarming story will bring a sense of peace to the rest of the prison.”
“That’s great, really. But there’s an issue.”
“Oh?”
“I… I haven’t seen Finding Nemo. The first one.”
Said froze. “It earned 70.2 million dollars in its opening weekend.”
“I’m sure it did.”
“You’re a father, you didn’t take your kids to see it?” Said said.
“I just didn’t have the time.”
“What could you have possibly been doing?”said Said.
Tobias Beecher gave Said a thousand yard stare, before responding, “Drunk driving.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Said had a visible bead of sweat trickling down his face. He turned to Busmalis. “Surely you’ve seen the first Finding Nemo? Winner of Best Animated Feature at the Academy Awards?”
“Nope.”
Said then looked at Rebadow. Rebadow looked at Said. Rebadow definitely did not see Finding Nemo.
Said looked at Arif, who had been very passionately passing out these flyers to the screening of the sequel to hit Oscar winning film Finding Nemo. “Arif…”
Arif looked back at Said, and could sense the disappointment already. “...I’m sorry.”
“But you–”
“I’ll do anything you ask me to. Even pass out flyers to the sequel for a movie I’ve never seen.”
Said decided at that moment that something had to occur, and the only man that could make that thing occur was Tim McManus.
Tim McManus was hanging out in his office, wondering which female coworker he would invite to dinner next. The way he was making this decision was via Ouija Board. He asked, “Who would probably sleep with me after having a nice dinner at that Romanian Place?”
The planchette (yes, that’s what the Ouija Board game piece is called, now you know that) moved to six letters in sequence: M, U, R, P, H, and Y.
“No, no, I’m not gay.”
U, S, U, R, E, question mark?
“Yeah.”
O, K, T, H, E, N, C, L, A, I, R, E.
“No, fuck Claire Howell.”
The planchette moved to YES.
“No, I mean–”
The door suddenly opened, and there was Kareem Said. “McManus, we need to screen Finding Nemo– What the fuck are you doing?”
McManus quickly took his hand away from the planchette, “Oh, hi, Said. I thought we were already screening Finding Nemo.”
“No, we’re doing the sequel, Finding Nemo 2. I thought everyone had already seen the first.”
“...what.”
“No one’s seen it. It’s rather distressing,” and then Said changed the topic, “Anyway, that’s not important right now, are you trying to communicate with the dead to get dating advice?”
McManus sighed, “Yeah.”
“McManus. There is more to life than pursuing HR violations.”
“What can I say? I’m going for a world record. Already did, actually, I’m trying to beat my personal best.”
McManus zoomed on his wheely chair over to a shelf, with an edition of the Guiness Book of World Records. He tossed it over to Said. “Page 82.”
Said flipped to the 82nd page and there he saw a picture of McManus, holding a trophy, captioned with Most HR Violations. Said shook his head in disapproval, “You’re a slut, McManus.”
“Yeah, but there’s a bigger issue. The Ouija board is telling me that I either have to be gay or have sex with Claire Howell.”
“Well, McManus, in my personal opinion, I do believe homosexuality is a sin. However, I believe even more that giving Claire Howell any kind of pleasure, while not technically as bad, is significantly worse. But, also, you shouldn’t have sex before marriage. So, really, there’s no good options.”
McManus sighed, “I guess this means I should ask Gloria Nathan out to dinner, huh…”
“I did not say that.”
“She’ll definitely say yes this time.”
“No, she won’t.”
Suddenly, the planchette started moving on its own, H, E, Y, D, U, D, E, D, O, N, T.
McManus caught like the last four letters of that, and he went, “Really? Why?”
And, it responded, W, E, L, L, A, S, G, L, O, R, I, A, S, D, E, A, D, H, U, S, B, A, N, D, I, T, H, I, N, K, I, K, N, O, W, W, H, A, T, M, A, Y, B, E, B, E, S, T, F, O, R, H, E, R, A, N, D, Y, O, U, A, R, E, A, S, L, U, T.
“I don’t know what all of that said,” said McManus, “but I think it just called me a slut.”
“Rightfully so.”
McManus looked defeated. “It took a while to get the permission to screen this specific iteration of Finding Nemo. I’d have to ask the governor to change it. He would have to screen it himself, and–”
“Whatever it takes, McManus!” Said slammed his hand on McManus’ desk. “Make the call. Please.”
The next day, at TV time, everyone was watching the news. Governor Devlin was being flocked by reporters and journalists and such after exiting the movie theater.
“Governor! Governor! Do you believe that the first Finding Nemo is appropriate to be screened in a maximum security prison?”
“Governor! Is the first better than the second?”
“Governor, did Miss Sally actually get married, or was that a bit?”
The Governor answered only two of those questions by saying, “That movie was so incredibly violent and inappropriate that there is no way any prisoner, let alone child, should be allowed to see it. It should be banned in this state. Finding Nemo should never be found.”
“But, Governor, does this mean the second movie is also banned?”
Devlin lit a cigarette all dramatically before responding, “No. I like that movie. It’s funny.”
Meanwhile, back in Oz, the prisoners collectively groaned and uproared at Devlin’s statement.
“Man, this is some bullshit!” Poet exclaimed, “How the fuck are we gonna watch the sequel without knowing anything about the first one?”
“Maybe if you’d stayed out of prison…” Adebisi grimly added.
“Man, shut up! You haven’t seen the first one either!”
Beecher turned to Said, who was currently fuming because the governor is stupid, and said, “Hey, maybe you could just… describe the plot of the first one to us. We don’t need to see it really, just… know the context.”
A lightbulb went off in Said’s mind. “You’re right, Beecher, but I don’t think I need to describe it… I think we need to perform it.”
Suzanne Fitzgerald was currently giving a voice lesson to our GOAT Omar, who was pretty mediocre at singing, but she was full of compliments because she’s awesome.
“Okay, Omar, let’s do another scale. This time a little bit higher.”
“Oh! Like on drugs?”
“No, Omar. Singing is the drug.”
They were interrupted by Said bursting into the cafeteria, “Miss Fitzgerald! We need to perform Finding Nemo right now for everyone!”
“Oh, I love that movie,” said Omar.
“Okay, then you can play Nemo.”
“No shit, I don’t have to audition for it or anything?”
Suzanne interrupted, “Alright, let’s put the brakes on here for a second. Said, as wonderful as that idea sounds, there is a lot of preparation that goes into a performance. We would need a script–”
Said pulled out a thick stack of paper and let it drop onto the top of the piano.
“Oh. Well…”
“Please, Miss Fitzgerald. The Halal Family Movie Night for Finding Nemo 2 (Inshallah They Find Him) is tomorrow. I need them to have the proper context to fully grasp the concepts of the second film.”
Suzanne sighed, “Well, if it’s that important to you… but we still need other actors, a set, lighting, a stage manager, props… time to memorize the script.”
Omar smiled, “I’ve seen that movie so many times, I already have it memorized.”
Said said, “I can find other actors.”
“But Arif, you said multiple line breaks ago that you would do anything I ask you to.”
“Passing out flyers is one thing. But to make myself a laughingstock on stage? With Omar? I’m sorry, but it’s just not possible.”
“Sure it is. All you need to do is sacrifice a bit of time. And your reputation.”
“Minister Said, I deeply apologize. This is one request I cannot fulfill.”
Said’s eyebrows furrowed, but he restrained himself. He cut back to a smile. “Alright. I will find others to fulfill the roles.”
“Sure, I’ll do props,” said Chris Keller.
“No, Keller, I need you to act.”
“Ha! No.”
“Keller, do you know how desperate I have to be to ask you of all people?”
“Mhm.”
“And yet?”
“Hey, if you get Toby to do it, maybe I’ll consider it.”
Tobias shook his head, “I’m sorry, Said, but I haven’t done any acting since high school. I’d rather not.”
“Please. I need more than just one actor. I consider you a friend, Beecher.”
“I don’t know if I could memorize the lines in time anyway.”
“Fuck you,” said Vern Schillinger.
After a long day of asking literally everyone inside of Oz to take part in a rushed version of Finding Nemo written completely from memory by Kareem Said himself (no shade to his writing abilities it's just that there’s so little time to prepare his prose in a meaningful manner), Said finally called it quits. Just before it was time for the prisoners to be locked up for the evening, Said spotted Omar.
“Hey, Omar–”
“Oh, hey Said! Did you get anyone else to–”
“No.”
“What?”
“I am so sorry to tell you this, but you are on your own.”
“Wha– Said, I agreed to this thinking that I’d have people acting alongside me. You expect me to make a fool of myself acting out an Oscar award winning children’s movie adapted by Kareem Said, only having one night to prepare the meaningful prose that you wrote?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it,” the buzzer to dismiss the prisoners to their pods rang out in time. Omar grabbed the script and bid Said farewell.
This was about to be the most fuckass production in Oz history.
Just a few hours before Kareem Said’s Finding Nemo starring Omar White was supposed to premiere in the cafeteria of Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary, Ryan O’Reily was painting the stupid ocean background. It was just straight up blue. No frills. No bubbles. Nothing fancy. Only blue.
“Mom, I love you, but this is going to suck,” he said as he applied another layer of Coral Blue Number Three paint.
Suzanne smiled, “You haven’t read the script, Ryan, it’s genius.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“Kareem Said’s hastily written one man show adaptation of Finding Nemo is probably better than the actual movie.”
Ryan dunked his paintbrush back into the tin of paint, and he nodded, “Uh huh. Sure. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen it.”
“Oh, Ryan, we should watch it as a family sometime. It would be lovely. Cyril would like it.”
“Uh huh. Sure, mom.”
Meanwhile, Omar was losing his head trying to keep track of all the blocking Said was giving him right now.
“Omar, you have to remember that when you’re playing one of the pirates, you pick up the sword. When you’re not a pirate, you drop it. This is a key part of that character.”
“Are you sure there were pirates in Finding Nemo? I thought it was all fish.”
“No! There’s fish, yes, but there are also seagulls, pelicans… and pirates.”
“See, I thought it was fish, seagulls, dentists… sharks…”
“Sharks are fish.”
“What.”
“Most people would consider sharks to be fish.”
“I thought sharks were fucked up dolphins.”
“Dolphins are also fish.”
Omar threw the script onto the ground, “I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS! Fuck this shit, I’m going to improvise!”
“What? No, I wrote this script with the intended purpose that it be read aloud.”
“I think I know more about Finding Nemo than you do, genius.”
Kareem Said was now reminded of what an annoying bitch Omar is. “Omar, you’ll make a fool of yourself.”
“I’M PLAYING SEVENTEEN FISH, FOURTEEN SEAGULLS, ONE PELICAN, AND FOUR PIRATES, I THINK I ALREADY AM!”
“That doesn’t warrant using all capital letters.”
“FUCK YOU!” Omar picked the script back up just to throw it on the ground again. “Y’know what? I’m QUITTING.”
“Omar, the production’s in a few hours!”
“Yeah, and if you think your script is hot shit, why don’t you just read it yourself?!”
Said stood with his mouth agape as Omar ran off. He looked at the papers he took such precious time to prepare (like 20 minutes). Maybe Omar was right. This was his life’s work, and nobody else would understand it like he would. Sure, the other prisoners might mock him, laugh at him, spit in his face, but he knew what he was cooking. He alone (and Ryan, thanks for the paint) was responsible for the best piece of fiction that Oz had ever seen: Finding Nemo.
Shockingly, everyone and their moms (as in, just Ryan’s mom because no one else has their mom in prison with them) showed up to see the performance. Granted, there wasn’t much entertainment going on, other than Mrs Sally’s Honeymoon, which turned out to be kind of a bust (not literally, they showed no boobs nor sex onscreen… it ended up being a documentary about Fiji, which was where Mrs Sally was honeymooning. And, no, there were no sexy bikini shots). Also, from the passionate way Kareem Said spoke of hit Oscar winning film Finding Nemo, a lot of people were curious to see how this was going to go.
The lights dimmed as Kareem Said took the stage in front of the curtains in order to give a speech. “Hello everyone, and thank you for attending my one man performance of the Academy Award winning film Finding Nemo. This couldn’t have been accomplished without the help of myself, Suzanne Fitzgerald, and Ryan O’Reily, for painting the set. After the show, please come to our Halal Family Movie Night, Finding Nemo 2. Inshallah They Find Him. I hope you enjoy the show.”
As the curtain rose, Said scrambled to get behind it and onto his mark for his first cue.
The show started underwater, as expected, with Nemo, played by Kareem Said, and Marlin, also played by Kareem Said, swimming through the sea.
Nemo (Said) said, “Wow, Dad, I sure am glad that you found me, Nemo.”
Marlin (Said) responded, “Yes, son, and that dentist was horrible, but now we are together again, and everything is great.”
The Narrator (Said) chimed in, “Little did they know… pirates lurked above.”
Pirate 1 (Said, who picked up the sword) was talking to his fellow pirates (Saids) on his pirate ship (which was underwater because they only had one set), and he said, “Water ho, men! We’re in fish territory.”
Busmalis turned to Rebadow and whispered, “This is the best Kareem Said ever.”
Marlin (Said, who put down the sword) gasped at the oncoming pirates. “Oh, no! I can’t let them take you away again!”
Nemo (Said) responded, “Don’t worry, Dad, I’ll be– Oh no!”
One of the pirates (Said, who picked up the sword), suddenly swung the sword down into the water, impaling Nemo (Said) through the fin. Nemo (Said, who kept the sword because he had been stabbed) said, “Oh no! They got me!”
The pirate (Said, who adjusted the way he was holding the sword so it was no longer stabbing him) pulled Nemo (Said, who had to readjust the sword) out of the water and he said, “I got a fish! Yum!”
“You kidding me?” said Pirate 2 (Said, who was the same as the other pirate but standing just a little more to the left), “this won’t last us a day! We need more fish.”
Pirates 3 and 4 (Saids who were even lefter than the Pirate 2 Said) agreed heartily.
Merlin (Said, who now had to not only drop the sword, but run significantly to the right) shook in anger, clenching his fin (Said’s fist). “Greed that will drive man to do despicable things such as take the life of one’s only born son is a plague upon the Earth. Such monsters must be punished and then eradicated.”
Arif was in the crowd taking notes. Interesting.
Tobias Beecher looked down in shame.
Somewhere, Vern Schillinger felt no remorse for anything.
Pirates 2, 3, and 4 (Said, running back left, lefter, and leftist) all gasped. “Oh my goodness, that fish just spoke!
Pirate 1 (Said, a little to the right, but still to the left) scoffed. “I just killed it, there’s no way.”
Pirates 2, 3, and 4 (you get it) shook in fear speaking in unison (in order to portray this, Said kinda just had to run around those three specific spots back and forth while saying the line) “No, the one behind you!”
Pirate 1 (Said, to the left) turned around in horror as he gazed upon the sentience of this really eloquent clownfish.
Merlin (Said, take it back now y’all) spoke with a booming voice. “Curses be upon your mortal souls for the rest of your puny, insignificant lives. Locusts will invade your strongholds and pluck all of your crops within the next three days. Then, a shower of fire and stone will blaze your ship and when you barely make it to shore, you will then discover that your town has also had havoc wrought upon it. The sun will never rise and every time you take a step you will feel as if someone were hammering a nail through the soles of your feet. You will beg and cry to any god, searching for someone to answer your prayers, but as you watch your skin peel away from your body and your muscles begin to deteriorate, you will no longer have the strength to even do as much as whisper any divine name.”
Merlin (Said, one hop this time) swam away.
Leo Glynn was standing in the back, arms folded, and he turned to Tim McManus, whispering, “You know, I’m starting to understand why the governor said this movie should be banned.”
McManus shook his head in disapproval, “I hope the second one is better.”
Sister Peter Peter Marie left the room.
Then, the stage was swarmed by seventeen seagulls (seventeen Saids) that were apparently the closest thing to locusts in Australia.
The play ended, and everyone gave it a standing ovation.
Busmalis said, “I was right! This is the best Kareem Said ever!”
Cyril looked at Ryan and asked, “Ryan… why are you crying?”
Ryan wiped a tear from his eye and tried to play it off, “What? No, I just got something in my eye.”
Nemo was just like him for real. In reality, Nemo’s a lot more like Dino Ortolani. Haunting the narrative, and all that.
“Man,” Tobias said to Keller in the midst of his applause, “I think I’m pretty glad I didn’t take my kids to see that one.”
“Tell me about it. I was so bored.”
“I was referring to the scene with the mass genocide.”
Omar was in the first row, and he was the only one not clapping. “THAT’S NOT FINDING NEMO! THAT’S NOT THE MOVIE I WATCHED!”
Said was taking his bow on the stage, but he simply had to respond, “Shut up, Omar.”
No one listened to Omar, but they should have (ominous foreshadowing).
Every prisoner in Emerald City that had seen Finding Nemo Live Performed By Kareem Said attended the Halal Family Movie Night screening of Finding Nemo 2 Inshallah They Find Him. They simply had to know what happened next.
“I think Nemo will come back from the dead, like Jesus, and bring peace to all,” said Jaz Hoyt.
“I think Pirate 2 will avenge the death of Pirate 1 by making a deal with Satan himself,” said Timmy Kirk.
“I’m so burnt,” said the Reverend Cloutier, who was a hallucination.
Said and Arif and other muslims were setting up some nice Halal snacks.
Busmalis sadly looked at the snack table. “Nobody’s explained to me what Halal means yet.”
Rebadow turned to Busmalis. “Are you muslim?”
“No.”
“Then whether this is Halal or not shouldn’t matter to you. You don’t follow that set of beliefs.”
“Oh. I guess you’re right.” That seemed to cheer Busmalis right back up again as he grabbed a fruit snack. Aww! So cute! So cute! So cute!
Arif fiddled with a projector as Said stood in front of the screen to give another speech (he loves speeching) (Spacey you can just say talking) (nahhh), “Hello, and welcome to Halal Family Movie Night: Finding Nemo 2 Inshallah They Find Him. It brings me great pleasure to show you this film, which brought me to tears upon my first viewing. I am happy to see that now everyone understands the first film, so that you all may enjoy the second.”
Omar leaned back in his seat with his arms crossed. “Said’s wrong. He’s been wrong. All of y’all will see…”
Said continued, “And, now, Arif, please start the film.”
The film opened underwater, with Nemo and his father, Marlin, swimming around.
Nemo said, “Wow, Dad, I sure am glad that you found me, Nemo.”
Marlin responded, “Yes, son, and that dentist was horrible, but now we are together again, and everything is great.”
The Narrator chimed in, “Little did they know… pirates lurked above.”
“What the fuck?” Miguel Alvarez shouted, “This is the exact same as the first one!”
“What? That can’t be!” Said stared as he witnessed everything he did like an hour ago play out except with well animated fish (and birds and pirates).
Said, visibly panicked, ran to McManus’ office.
McManus was on the phone with John Ouija, CEO of the Ouija board. “Yeah, I think mine’s broken… it keeps telling me I’m gay.” John Ouija said something over the line that visibly frustrated McManus. “No, I’m not having dinner with Sean Murphy!” he slammed the phone back on its stand and massaged his temples for less than a second before Said stormed in.
“McManus! Did you get the first Finding Nemo?”
“What? The first Finding Nemo is banned now, thanks to you.”
“That’s impossible, we are playing the first Finding Nemo as we speak.”
McManus raised a brow and opened a drawer in his desk, pulling out a DVD case. “No, this is the DVD that we gave you.”
McManus was correct, the case very clearly said Finding Nemo 2 Inshallah They Find Him.
Said took a step back in disbelief. It couldn’t be… “Maybe somebody switched the DVD discs and put the first Finding Nemo inside.”
McManus sighed. “Here, I’ll go outside with you and I’ll look at what’s playing. I’ll tell you if it’s the original or the sequel. If I see something there I haven’t seen out of the Finding Nemo franchise before, then… But, Said… you may have to face the fact that you messed up here.”
Said’s face flushed with embarrassment as McManus opened the door to leave his office. Said followed.
McManus and Said promptly entered the main area and– holy shit.
Omar was throwing a flaming chair at Miguel (because Miguel must suffer always) as he exclaimed, “I TOLD Y’ALL THIS WASN’T FINDING NEMO!”
Miguel got absolutely knocked the fuck out by that chair and would probably have to go to the infirmary. Chico Guerra punched him two more times for good measure.
Ryan O’Reily said, “Fuck… that’s genius… I should have someone throw a flaming chair at me… that’d be a good excuse to see Gloria again.”
Timmy Kirk grabbed a bunch of fruit snacks and chucked them in the air like confetti as he said, “Hail Satan!”
Somewhere, Ray Mukada could sense a disturbance in the atmosphere. Anyways…
Arif was hastily trying to take down the projector, but it was too late because that too was lit on fire, but thrown at Ryan this time by Adebisi. That’s his favorite white boy, after all.
“Thanks, man,” Ryan said before passing out.
Busmalis sat in the only still standing chair eating Halal pretzels as he said, “This is the best prison riot ever.”
Something about riots just made Tobias Beecher want to start rhyming and spinning around. Chris thought it was incredibly sexy. Somewhere, Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd was playing, and somewhere else Crank by Slayyyter was playing.
McManus turned to Said and said, “Well… considering the state of the projector… I guess we’ll never know which Finding Nemo this was.”
He then dodged a fruit snack thrown at him by Rebadow, who wanted to feel included.
The next day, as Devlin was leaving his office, he was swarmed by reporters asking about the most recent prison riot over Finding Nemo 2 Inshallah They Find Him.
“Is it true that you thought this film was ‘funny?’”
“Why not ban both Nemos?”
Devlin, always famously one to own up to his mistakes, responded, “Sorry, gang, I meant to ban the second Nemo. The first one is great. Inshallah they find him.”
Unfortunately, none of the prisoners saw this because they were on lockdown.