Archive of Our Own

Morning was a terribly noisy time at Cleaners headquarters. People crowded the cafeteria, eager to finish their meals and get to work. Every corner was filled with conversations, complaints of fatigue, the banging of dishes, slurping, and attempts to stuff more food into their mouths. Noisy, but incredibly peaceful.

Zanka had gotten used to it. Zanka was glad of it. Better to hear noise, immerse himself in the conversations of others, and smell the food than to continue spending days in the infirmary. Ignoring the nausea from the medicinal smell was becoming increasingly difficult. The silence, which had once been relaxing, now only left him suspended, alone with his thoughts. And worst of all, he was confined to the bed, unable to move normally.

Longer, much longer than after the last loss. Thаn what was allowed. Than head could handle without exploding in every sense of the word from the constant replaying of events.

Returning to the ranks filled him with a rare joy, like long-awaited rain after a drought. And, teenager would never admit it, he missed his comrades a little. The meaningless conversations at the table, Enjin's laughter, Riyo's snide comments. Hell, he even started to miss that little bastard Rudo!

That's how sick he could get of pills and IVs, mixed with the constant feeling of discomfort. At least now Zanka should be back to normal. At least no one's asking him nonsense questions, trying to find out how he's doing, how his recovery is going, or if he misses work. Such questions have had a way of lingering in his mind. It's good that most of Cleaners are busy with their own conversations now, not him. This background noise is relaxing. Soothing.

No one would have believed those few weeks after the Doll Festival, when the corridors were silent and only whispers echoed along the walls. Zanka was glad that sounds had finally returned, that people were beginning to return to normal. The stifling silence reminded him of his old home ( if he could still call that place home ), and the teenager was certainly glad it was gone.

But even in a good time there will always be one annoying stupid ass.

Zanka simply tried to eat, ignoring Riyo and Enjin's nearby conversations, enjoying the small moment of peace. Just like that, without fuss, in a relatively comfortable environment, slowly savoring each bite of breakfast, under Rudo's watchful gaze.

Everything is fine. He is calm. Completely at peace with his surroundings.

No excessive clutching of the cutlery. No coughing, which should have let Rudo know was staring. No fidgeting, just a slight twitch of his chin. His frown didn't deepen with each passing second, conveying such irritation and displeasure that only an idiot would fail to notice. Apparently, he overestimated Rudo's intelligence, because the latter only stared at him more intently. Zanka raised an eyebrow in response.

A silent dialogue that seemed to be only on the older guy's part. Breathe. Someone give him strength.

Bowl, slammed onto the table, making Akuta's team flinch and fall silent, a clear sense of something wrong creeping through them. Zanka didn't hesitate, crossing his arms over his chest in time with his haughty voice, noting the irritating factor of a certain scoundrel.

"Is it common for you on the Sphere to stare while eating, or is it just a personal hobby of yours?" Riyo immediately jerked head in her and Rudo's direction, while Enjin merely sighed, leaning back slightly. Now, with his eyes narrowed, Zanka might have been acting slightly emotionally, deliberately shaming with his observation. But boy needed to be taught politeness, not encouraged to shamelessly stare at other people. Especially during meals. Sitting right in front of them. "If you need something, either say so or don't look at me like I owe you something."

"Shut up!" Roudou barked angrily in response, quickly glancing between the three Cleaners, receiving varying degrees of curiosity in return. And the boy had the nerve to stare at Zanka without a shred of shame, let alone guilt or remorse. "You just... I can't get the image of you dodging all those balls at the Doll Festival out of my head, and I just thought..." Other man's expression furrowed in confusion, as if something was off. As if something was wrong, and it was terribly bothering the younger Cleaner. "That's weird."

Zanka's peculiar eyebrows instantly drew together. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Riyo frozen for a second, trying to simultaneously laugh and understand what Rudo was saying. Enjin, sitting on the same bench with him, judging by his expression, already knew what was coming next. His eye roll indicated his resignation to the position of older Cleaner.

So, there's a squabble.

“Weird...” Each syllable was clearly pronounced, each letter firm, as if Zanka were tasting the word. And judging by the indignation and anger blooming on his face, it was so disgusting it could compete with slop. Weird. Is it so unusual for a genius to be able to dodge? Or is this some kind of hidden way of mocking Zanka? No, Rudo wouldn’t dare; he’s too blunt. Thick-headed. Infuriating. With his red eyes that seem to creep right into Zanka’s soul. Irritating. “And you’re telling me this, Spherite, about whom we learn something shocking almost every day? Are you kidding me?”

"I'm just trying to say it's a cool and useful skill, idiot!" Gloved hands instinctively, in a fit of anger and shame, slam the table, causing all the dishes to bounce slightly. Several people at other tables glance at them. Apparently, only Zanka notices, frozen in bewilderment, more offended than pleasantly surprised by Rudo's words.

"Oh, of course, that's why you used «weird» which means something completely different, you know!?" Zanka's voice rises, reflecting the absurdity of the remark. Rudo's social skills have always been astounding. Not in the sense of how good they are, but how far the kid is from interacting normally with others, even after all this time with Cleaners.

On the other hand, Rudo's sincerity could leave one speechless.

Gears in the boy's head must have started turning, because he finally looked down, and a glimmer of guilt crossed his face. Zanka might probably have been glad the bastard had a conscience, but the way Rudo squinted, the way he fidgeted with his fingers, the way his lips were pressed tightly together, it looked... unpleasant. Like a child who'd been scolded and was trying to defend himself. Damn, Rudo was a child! It seemed that, with all these numerous events, he was forgetting just how much younger he was. Cleaner tries to act mature. A stern voice in Zanka's head tells him that's how mature he should act.

“…I didn’t mean to express myself that way…”

It sounded so pathetic, Zanka thought. And so guilty. God, now he felt awkward. He fidgeted, receiving a meaningful nod from Riyo in Rudo's direction. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as his eyes averted, lest he accidentally catch Enjin's face. Zanka didn't want to guess what he might be feeling about this situation. Enduring even a shred of older Cleaner's disappointment, even after so many losses that had forced him to wallow in the most horrific thoughts, was the worst test he could ever imagine.

"...Okay, it's fine. It's just that my actions may have looked cool, but in reality, there's nothing special about them. A very ordinary skill." Zanka noticed a slight twitch of excitement from Rudo out of the corner of his eye, which was only slightly comforting. He never liked seeing anyone upset by his words, even if he meant everything he said. So, he could tolerate one unexpected question. Just one.

"Then why... haven't you taught me this yet?" His head tilted slightly, his red eyes seeming to burn into Zanka's. As if that would help him understand the other's thoughts. Ridiculous. How furious would Rudo be if he knew how simple the reason was? Zanka could only guess. The only thing he was sure of was that the younger Cleaner didn't need the training he'd had. Perhaps it was common sense, perhaps a bitter, childish resentment. After all, unlike geniuses who could get by without bullets, Zanka, an ordinary guy, the future ( long gone ) Hell Guardian, Nijiku, needed them. He understood that.

Others, of course, don't.

"Hmmm. Rudo isn't exactly talking nonsense." Enjin spoke up, resting his elbows on the table and resting his head on his palms. Zanka's eyebrows shot up involuntarily, and his head snapped toward the man. Smile, seemingly benevolent, didn't bode well. He knew full well it was, in fact, a calculating, cunning grin. Years of extra work because of it gave him cause to cringe slightly. Enjin on Rudo's side. "Maybe we should start training for this?"

At least Riyo seemed to be merely enjoying the situation, merely observing, not engaging in conversation. Zanka prayed to all the gods that this would continue. To endure, on top of all that, her barbs was beyond his strength. Girl's sensitivity to the most delicate and painful areas of her comrade's skin was astounding. And the contented gaze of her green eyes made his body tingle.

“I’m afraid Rudo simply can’t handle this right now.”

“Why?!! I haven’t even tried it yet!”

He just wanted to eat peacefully, with his team. What had Kyouka told him? Better to have no hope of a peaceful morning? How true. There was clearly no peace in Zanka's life. Not at Cleaners headquarters, not in Cleaners' cafeteria, not around Cleaners. Especially not if they were members of Team Akuta.

"Because. It'll be too difficult for you. You've only just recovered, want to add to Eishia's work?" Hope that they would finally settle the subject was quickly dashed by a chuckle. Riyo reacts quickly, cutting off everyone's chance to speak, leaning closer to the youngest boy. Zanka paled slightly, noticing the familiar, yet dangerous, mischief in his green eyes. A lump rose in her throat as the girl ruffled her white hair, thinking out loud.

"Do you hear Rudo? Your mentor is worried about you. I think you should promise to be careful if you still want to learn." Complete lie. Zanka wasn't worried. It was simply a logical decision, since Rudo didn't need training like Zanka and his siblings. He'd be even better off without it, boy is more than capable. He'd been through worse, for fuck's sake, these past few months.

Zanka isn't at all worried about his condition. She doesn't even glance at Riyo with displeasure, receiving only a shrug in response.

"This isn't–" He wants to refuse, wants to insist. It's foolish to think that will work. His reaction time may be a bit slow after his recovery. The insolent boy doesn't let him get a word in, interrupting with his burning determination to get what he wants from Zanka. What did he say about Rudo having a conscience? Forget it, he doesn't have one.

"Eishia said I'm fully recovered and can safely return to duty. There's no need to worry about my condition." Zanka chuckled. It was mocking, as if he'd just been told the stupidest thing in the world. It was the sound of someone else's words to him, pure stupidity that barely even resembled an argument.

"Pray tell me, who's going to listen to your childish complaints when you fall on your pathetic ass again?" Zanka, patting chest, points at himself. It's amazing the little brat still has the nerve to wince at his mentor's words. No respect. It's infuriating. "Me. And that's the last thing I want. There are more important things you need to learn."

"I'm not a child! And... I won't complain. I promise!" Red eyes tear away from their old target, focusing on the new one, Enjin and Riyo. And while Zanka was barely able to cope with Rudo's upset expression, the other two Cleaners didn't even try to resist. "Is it bad to at least try?"

Enjin was the first to give in. It's unpleasant.

"Come on, Zanka, it's just a trial run, nothing special. Look at that guy, he won't let go of you!" A tattooed hand patted the teenager's shoulder, freezing him in place. Rudo nodded vigorously in approval of Enjin's words. They were pressuring him. They were using threats to force this little shit to train. Just the thought of Rudo always following him brought a bitter taste to his mouth.

Riyo was second.

"Especially since you two could use some exercise after all... events . Any more, and I'm sure Zanka will be going crazy over his inability to train." Riyo adds to Enjin's words, and Rudo, like some obedient dog, nods his head again. Now he's being egged on, pressing the obvious. Zanka was eager to return to the battlefield. Lovely Assistaff hummed throughout the recovery, torn between worry for her owner and the desire to sate the hatred that had seeped into her tree. Mymo had left his mark on more than just Zanka's body.

Freak penetrated his soul, perverting it to his advantage, just as he did with the insides of Cleaner.

And maybe Zanka really does need a release. Any kind. Maybe nothing bad will happen if he controls the process. And he's Rudo's mentor. Better for the boy to learn the skill in their lessons than in a real fight from some crazy brat. The teenager ignored the remark that he was putting himself in the madman's place.

Zanka held firm, and therefore fell no less confidently.

"Haaa... I'm sure, I'm going to regret this… I'm definitely going to regret this. Okay, fine. Fine! Just let me finally eat. We'll start on Wednesday." Plate and spoon were returned to his hands, while Zanka chose to ignore Rudo's terrible attempt at a smile. Damn it, he was too stubborn to let that ruin his appetite. Enjin, for his part, had clearly lost his appetite for breakfast, judging by his coughing. Riyo rarely wore such an impassive expression.

This means he has two days to prepare.

By then, need to get the necessary things. Zanka, you see, hasn't kept a gun in his room since he became a Cleaner. Given the regulations, the guy wouldn't dare break the no-kill rule. And possessing a weapon that wasn't a vital instrument could indirectly lead to someone's death.

Zanka clearly didn't want to follow the path he'd once cherished, the path he'd strived for, the path that was in his blood. He began to doubt the wisdom of his decision. Was it really right, even if only briefly, to return to what his family had taught him? But training with Rudo was different?

Zanka just needed to gather his courage. He wasn't planning on killing his student, was he?

…

It's a strange feeling.

His fingers feel the familiar metal, seeming to remember the correct grip, but holding a gun after so much time is, to put it mildly, unusual. The weight is simultaneously light compared to the Lovely Assistaff, yet heavy compared to the moral aspect. Taking someone's life with a single shot... Zanka had never seen anything wrong with that before. He's helping. They are dangerous criminals, givers. It's Nijiku's duty to rid himself of such vile mistakes.

Over time, Zanka himself became mistake.

As an adult, the boy was even glad of this outcome. Now he could evaluate the Hell Guard's work more soberly. For example, how effortlessly it was for an underage teenager to buy a firearm. Seriously, it's a bit disconcerting to see where their society is heading if they didn't even bother to look at him, just handed him the gun and sent him packing. At least he would have had a chance to change his mind at that moment. But the confusion caused by the seller's indifference didn't give him time. Only the obvious fact: the gun in his hands.

Sitting on his bed, so familiar over the years with Cleaners, the gun felt infinitely more foreign. As if it should never have been in Zanka's hands. Something inside him told him to let go, to throw it away, to get rid of the weapon. Metal was too cold, too unpleasant. This wasn't Lovely Assistaff , this wasn't what he needed. Not his soul, just a weapon. Nothing more, nothing less. Zanka shouldn't feel like he was committing treason.

Betrayal of yourself and your vital instrument.

A terrible heaviness filled his chest, as if a caustic liquid were filling his lungs. He'd seen and felt the shots so many times, Kyouka aiming at him without hesitation. And now, he will do it...

It's not the time to think about that. In any case, he definitely won't cancel anything now. He gave his word, the training will go ahead. Zanka, at least, can console with one thought:

“Better me than anyone else.”

Did Kyoka say something similar to herself as she fired bullets at her brother's body?

Or, was she not tormented by doubts or worries at all, because, unlike Zanka, she was a real Nijiku?

Maybe he'll finally understand his sister, pointing a gun at the one he's supposed to care about. Well, that's a form of caring, isn't it? Preparing a child for the pain and cruelty expected in the future, so they don't screw up and cope without consequences. After all, people only do that because they care about someone else's well-being.

Right?

Gun is carefully tucked into Cleaner's bag. Last thing anyone on the Team Childe needed was to reveal the item; a ton of questions would be inevitable. Besides, walking around headquarters holding a firearm isn't a good idea. A terrible one, if you're not completely sane. Zanka sincerely believed his mental state was perfectly normal. So, at least for now.

Lovely Assistaff was left in the room.

Zanka is proud of how calm his dear staff is, not trembling or humming, just a quiet presence in the silence of the room. Givers, in most cases, don't leave their jinki too far from them, often not separating even a centimeter. Zanka is no different. Teenager is disgusted and uncomfortable by the feeling of emptiness that accompanies him step by step through the corridors without his Lovely Assistaff. Something in him is clearly missing, something eternally important, something necessary. It remains there, in the room, leaning against the wall, obediently awaiting its owner.

Zanka doesn't like the feeling of the staff in his hands, but the weight of the gun in his bag. But allowing the Lovely Assistaff to witness the discovery of ancient teachings is disrespectful. His precious, vital instrument shouldn't be present when the gun's trigger is pulled. To distort their relationship with this spectacle is Zanka's last wish.

"Don't you need your jinki, you know... to train me? Where did you even put it?" Rudo's voice, tinged with disbelief, interrupted his thoughts. Blinking, Zanka glanced around. Getting so wrapped up in his thoughts could be dangerous. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Enjin waving at them, apparently coming to see what they were up to. The heaviness in his shoulders grew more noticeable.

"Lovely is fine, and for this lesson, I need something else." Zanka glances around, assessing the distance necessary for greater safety. Shooting up close is too risky, despite being the most common outcome. Despite the fact that he was shot that way. He has common sense; he has long since stopped blindly following his family's teachings. "Be a good student and move away; space is necessary."

Rudo narrowed his eyes, frozen for a second, until he apparently dismissed the doubts that were forming in his mind. Zanka merely chuckled, similarly retreating, the space widening. His hand was already reaching for his bag, but the boy's mind quickly grasped one important detail. Blue eyes met red. Two boys' brows were almost equally furrowed, and Rudo's expression was decidedly not the happiest.

"To make such a face in front of the man you asked to teach you? What kind of idiocy is this," flashed through Zanka's mind, before the little bastard's irritated clicking and shouting. The lack of a Lovely Assistaff was painfully noticeable; with her, he would have beaten the crap out of Rudo. "Hey. My decision not to bring the jinki isn't your concern, understand? Go ahead, pick something useful from your pile."

A protruding tongue made Zanka instinctively reach for his dear Assistaff, and then, remembering, bitterly regretted his decision not to take it. Wonderful, now the torment and nervousness about training had disappeared. Oh, not that he was particularly angry, but this would teach boy a lesson. Good lesson.

As it once was for Zanka.

“Have some respect and thank me, because unlike my experience, you should be in less danger. I’ve taken care of your safety, so it’s all yours from now on.” A short chuckle is heard somewhere from Enjin, and the nerves begin to fray. At the same time, Rudo mutters something under his breath, walking back to his seat, causing a strong urge to throw the first piece of trash he can find at him. Zanka isn’t sure his hand won’t accidentally shake during practice. “Damn brat… What are you…” In the sunlight, the metal of the picked-up club glistens, reflecting the light right into Rudo’s face. Enjin, unlike Zanka, can’t help but grin at the younger Cleaner’s squint. “Oh, okay. Okay, that… That’s fine, but you need concentration, am I sure you can get it with this? I’m not going to give in.”

Gloves transform the golf club. Size remains virtually the same, but the color is transformed. Previously blinding iron head have changed to a dark, almost matte shade of red. Blades appear on the sides of the shaft, and the grip has increased in circumference. The boy's posture has become more confident, his body has entered a state of full readiness. Zanka is glad that the other one still follows and remembers his words.

Be ready to attack.

"I can handle this. And I don't need any favors!" Rudo lets out a cry, baring his teeth and aggressively swinging the golf club, holding it tightly in his palms. He looks stupid. Zanka raises an eyebrow, snorting at the piercing gaze aimed straight at him. Vicious, savage. Rudo always resembled an animal, and then, well, he practically became one. Temporarily. Wolf-like traits sometimes made themselves known, especially during the first days of his recovery.

Zanka and the other witnesses agreed to remain silent about this, for the sake of Rudo's honor.

"Excellent... You have a lot of confidence." The teenager needs to suppress the growing tremors, his hands shouldn't freeze as he reaches for his bag. Cold metal should sober him up – an ingrained thought. Zanka doesn't follow it; something he'd suppressed every time he recalled the gun's weight flares up inside him: fear.

As he draws his gun, he feels his limbs gradually go numb, as if they're screaming at him that he's doing the wrong thing. His brain desperately tries to change his mind, but a tiny, stubborn part of Zanka grips the gun with both hands. His shoulders and chest sag forward as his hands tighten their grip on the grip. His fingers find the right position on their own: his thumb on the grip, his index finger above the trigger. So... wrong.

He pauses for just a second, meeting the student's completely confused, fearful gaze . It's enough time for Zanka to think, swallowing the lump in his throat. Every fiber of his being clenches, and when he notices Rudo's twitching figure, something snaps. Core that should guide him, that should keep him from doubting his own family, their choices, their methods. Something that had been hammered into him for years, something that should motivate him to move forward, even at the risk of death.

"Fear is the worst thing Nijiku can experience, remember that, Zanka."

“I advise you not to lose it, you will need it.”

Zanka is afraid.

He's afraid and points the trigger straight at Rudo.

His heart pounds in his ears, a chill pierces his body, burrowing deep into his bones. A terrifying realization dawns on him, one he can't process right away. Teenager sees the younger Cleaner swallow, sweat beading, and a look of pure consternation spreading across his face. His stomach twists at the sight.

Rudo is afraid.

Was Kyouka just as afraid? Did her hands shake as she pulled the trigger and aimed at Zanka's vital organs? And when she screamed, telling him he needed more concentration? Was she afraid of simply... killing her brother? Did his sister truly consider her actions caring?

Zanka... Doesn't understand.

He asks himself - why doesn't he shoot, Kyouka - why did she shoot?

He doesn't understand...

Doesn't understand.

CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

Doesn't want to try to understand...

He will understand and completely crush any familial affection for his sister, exposing the festering old wounds.

Zanka can't do that.

He would have to admit things were much worse, and he couldn't do that.

After all, he's believed and continues to believe in the family's approach for so many years. To question their approach toward him...

No.

No no no

He wouldn't dare do that.

Just… No.

It's wrong, he's doing it wrong.

Initially, this is simply a test to see if Zanka can return to old teachings. To take a step toward understanding his family. To acknowledge family's actions.

Just need to…

Pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger.

Pull the trigger.

Everything will become clear.

Zanka, pull the trigger.

You will understand Kyouka.

Zanka, damn it, pull the trigger.

Do

This

For 

Family 

Click

Click.

Click, click, click, click...

"Zanka..."

A voice comes into head.

Distantly, trying to escape the cranial cortex and settle in his ears, remaining the only voice in his head. Trying to force him to decide.

“You are pathetic.”

Just... Pathetic.

Yes... He's just a pathetic imitation of Nijiku, Zanka realized that long ago.

Perhaps this is why his body, as if finally awakening from a trance, lowers the gun. Perhaps this is why he leaves within himself an important aspect of his life. Faith.

Gun is knocked out of his hand, and Zanka is thrown aside, right into Rudo's pile of junk. His shoulder hits some metal, the sharp tip cutting through the fabric of his uniform and his skin. A hiss escapes his mouth, and he instinctively tries to stand, but his legs, as if in spite, stop working, becoming heavy, swollen cotton wool. Zanka tries to move. To force at least one muscle to move, to tense. Anything but the rigidity of his body.

He swallows back the nausea with difficulty, the fear that should have gone stuck in his throat as his blue eyes barely lift. Dark liquid has begun to soak into the fabric, an unpleasant wetness compared to the dryness of his mouth. Understanding of what's happening threatens to completely vanish, dragging his consciousness down with it, but a harsh, muffled voice quickly pours Zanka's filth onto him.

“Zanka… You… Kid, tell me you didn’t actually mean to shoot Rudo.” Zanka barely managed to look up. Umbaker was pointed right at his face, trembling slightly in his grip. Was Enjin angry? God, of course he was. Who wouldn’t be angry when a gun was pointed at your comrade, your charge, the child you literally pulled out of the trash? Zanka’s vision blurs, but he can see Rudo glancing at him. His red eyes look as if Zanka had shattered something so precious that nothing but despair remained in the boy. Enjin looks different, his gaze is different. All hope is slowly dying in his gaze with each passing second, silence in response to his demand. “Zanka… You didn’t mean to kill Rudo, did you? I know you, you wouldn’t. Give me a damn explanation for your actions!”

Ton Enjin reminded me so much of Goka.

Bad comparison. He can't compare, has no right to. But he does. Not of his own free will, not because of the similarities between Enjin and Goka. After all, while one sadly watched Zanka fade, the other provided the spark.

No, they are completely different.

Only similarity was that their voices, saturated with distrust mixed with anger and bitter disappointment, made Zanka swallow his tongue. He should have tried to formulate some kind of explanation, something coherent. Instead of trying to convulsively inhale more air than his lungs could hold. Perhaps he was hoping for a tissue rupture and subsequent choking on blood.

Anything to avoid hearing own voice when trying to explain.

“I… No, no. It’s… God, I wouldn’t kill him!... Really, I…”

Didn't mean to shoot? Lie. Brazen, ugly lie. How easily it could have slipped out was both astounding and terrifying. His teeth clenched shut. Zanka couldn't lie. He didn't have the courage to let the lies spill from his mouth. He couldn't lie to Enjin. He couldn't undermine his position further with senseless lies.

Zanka knew his intentions and tried to carry them out with firmness and determination.

What difference does it make whether he did it or not, changing his mind, if he was almost ready to pull the trigger?

"What do you mean, wouldn't you kill me?!" A moment later, Zanka feels hard, rocky ground against the back of his head, inhaling sharply in response to the piercing pain that spreads up his back. His vision focuses too late, causing the blunt end of the club to hit him square in the forehead. It burns, it burns intensely. Skin is clearly torn, not bleeding yet, but Rudo, whose grip only tightened, had no intention of stopping. He had to do something fast before this bastard accidentally cracked Zanka's skull. "YOU!! You almost shot me, damn bitch!!!"

Fingers grip the club handle with all their strength, stopping another blow to the head. Zanka blinks dejectedly, trying to focus on Rudo's blurry face, just before a gloved hand slams into his nose. Distinctive crunch, accompanied by a surge in heart rate, echoes in his ears, warning of a dull, impending burning. The metallic taste of blood immediately hit his tongue, as thick drops stained everything around him red. Through all this bloody chaos, Zanka stubbornly maintains his grip on the club, even as fingers clutch his hair, jerking his head sharply to slam it as hard as possible into the rocky ground.

Humiliating. Painful. Dirty. Oh Sphere, was Rudo always this aggressive?

Zanka is just as angry. Not so much at Rudo, but at himself. But the other boy was just doing everything he could to make sure the anger was directed specifically at his little ass. And Zanka... explodes.

"Let me go, you little shit! EVERYT-Ouch! It was under control, you wouldn't have gotten hurt!!" His attempt to push the smaller body away from him resulted in the merciless ripping of a small mop of hair. Zanka didn't want to imagine how lousy he looked in front of Enjin, what with blood, dirt, and a complete mess on his head. Wound on his shoulder throbbed, the sand penetrated too deep, clinging more and more to his skin due to the blood stain that had formed. Neither arm agreed to function properly, twitching slightly and locking its fingers around the other's limbs. Two boys began to take turns pushing against each other.

Zanka hadn't felt such overwhelming shame in a long time, despite the fact that all his failures were accompanied by it. And worse than that, only the menacing presence of Enjin. Fuck, he should have let Rudo unleash his full force; a skull fracture didn't sound as bad as meeting Enjin's gaze for a second.

Luckily, Rudo is good at diverting all thoughts to himself. He especially grabs Zanka's clothes with his hands, rolls around the floor with him, and tries to vent his emotions by beating up his trainer. Not that there's much resistance.

"How the fuck would YOU konow?! You think I could have survived a bullet ??!" Rudo was angry. Terribly angry, filled with incomprehension, anger, and sheer fury at his teacher's actions. Zanka sensed all the negativity, all boy's indignation, in every movement, in every blow. And along with it, fear.

He was afraid. This boy, his student, was truly afraid. Because of Zanka. Because of Zanka's fucking decision. God, he couldn't even hit Rudo back. How dare he? He deserved all those bruises, all those scrapes, all those spilled drops of blood. But Zanka didn't want the little brat to feel bad about his actions. It wasn't his fault for the actions he took because of the stupid, utterly idiotic convictions of an older teenager.

Overwhelming regret left no strength for resistance, only for the helpless acceptance of pain. Old memories gave it another name, punishment.

"Kids, that's all, stop it! Get off each other! Zanka! Rudo!!" An older Cleaner rushed toward them, trying to untangle the brutal and bloody tangle of teenagers' limbs. At one point, Enjin thought he'd get hit himself, judging by Rudo's stubborn determination not to stop. And as luck would have it, Zanka's near-lack of willpower in response to the harm inflicted only exacerbated the boy's anger. Enjin could smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. Who would have thought about the complexities of relationships between children, right? Certainly not him, with three teenagers on his hands. A little more so lately.

“NO!!! That… Crazed… Was supposed to be training me! And in the end, he just tried to kill me, understand?! HE'S CLEARLY GONE OFF THE ROD!!!!!” Words hit like a slap. A well-deserved, cold-blooded slap. Zanka poked at what seemed like an obvious fact. No one in their right mind would point a gun at someone they wanted to protect. Protect, teach. But… They were pointing a gun at Zanka. And he knew for a fact that his family was simply trying to help him cope with the cruelty of this world. And Rudo was a boy, completely immature, easily swayed by emotions. He couldn’t fully understand care.

Rudo simply spits on all love invested in Zanka's upbringing and education. He tears it apart with his vile words, as if there was something wrong with it. How could this asshole even know the importance of investing in an ordinary person the strength to become something greater? How dare he insult the work and love invested in Zanka? Zanka is only alive because his family worked hard on him!

"FUCK YOU!? If a normal guy like me survived real bullets, then you, genius, wouldn't have died from rubber bullets for nothing!!!" Words spilled out on their own, unperturbed by any brain filtering. Normally, Zanka would have been horrified by his own tone and voice, but when someone had spat on one of the most important aspects of his life, he couldn't care less. He didn't care that he was being mean, deliberately pressing on the area where normal skin begins to transition to the dark, fleshy marks on his arms. Teenager was being petty, but the pressure was mounting. "A few bruises can't kill you, if you didn't know!"

Pain on Rudo's face was telling. Younger Cleaner's hands jerked away, freed from his grip, twitching and pulsing almost imperceptibly. Zanka's rational side demanded he speak up, even if only a squeak, rather than stare dumbfounded at his student. Enjin may have finally separated them physically, but that didn't mean the argument was over.

“Oh?!? Or maybe you didn’t know that no normal person thinks about what kind of bullets are in a gun when it’s pointed at you!?” Rudo strained his vocal cords, pushing his voice to its limit. He screamed as if no one would hear the younger Cleaner otherwise. Zanka couldn’t argue with his words, silently biting the inside of his cheek, feeling everyone’s gazes on him. Despite the voice inside him that affirmed the correctness of Rudo’s judgment, there was another. A quiet, small voice, reminding him that Zanka would be the one thinking about the bullets. But he’s not insane, he’s an ordinary person, it’s just… It’s just… Different approach. Situations. Yes, that's right. Rudo is angry because he doesn't understand. Rudo doesn't understand his words.

Rudo doesn't mean anything bad, he thinks in his head, he just doesn't know-

“And unlike you, I value my life…”

Hit.

Into the most fucking vulnerable part of Zanka.

His ribs were constricting as if an unknown weight would break them at any moment, leaving his chest unsupported, immobilizing him forever. Air struggled to get into his lungs, crashing against the wall like a frozen muscle. Even his mouth, mechanically open, refused to let in any more air. Was he suffocating? Probably, judging by the pain in his throat and the convulsive coughing. The feeling of losing the ability to breathe normally was nothing new. Damn, he'd felt this so often; he should have gotten used to it long ago. At least the last time, reasons were better.

Poison, piercing the abdomen, bleeding in several places - these are the deeds of Jabber.

A ripped belly, protruding organs, humiliation in front of Goka - the result of Mymo's strike.

Do you understand? Zanka was physically forced to suffocate, given no opportunity to resist, leaving only pitiful crumbs of life out of pity. For good reasons.

What's happening now isn't really the cause. It's just a simple irritant, he tells himself.

So why is he more worried than angry?

"Okay. Fine. Enough of this..." Enjin, the man Zanka admired beyond measure, looked... tired. And it was impossible to suppress the bitterness on his tongue, aroused by the deep-seated conviction of guilt in the boy's condition as an older Cleaner. Zanka doesn't like to think that, had he stayed in the well, he might have made life easier for many people. But sometimes thoughts of a deep, damp pit are louder than common sense. Right now, any thought is louder than common sense. "This... Damn, come on, guys, move away from each other. Give each other some space."

At first glance, both boys seemed to listen to older Cleaner. At least until Zanka jumped to his feet and, without giving anyone time to stop himself, tactlessly ran away. Coward.

"Zanka!"

His palm pressed to his bleeding nose, he really didn't want to stain the floor of the headquarters with even a few drops of blood. Ignoring the glances of passing people isn't really that hard. But getting to his room, to his Lovely Assistaff , when the corridors seem longer than usual – makes him want to bang his head against the wall.

No more than the desire Zanka felt as he slammed the door shut. He couldn't believe it. He refused to spend a single moment outside the room. His hands reached for the nest on his head, a mass of sticky blood, dirt, and tangled strands of hair that his fingers now tugged aggressively. Zanka completely ignored the pain; his body was already throbbing from Rudo's stupid beating. There was something far more unbearable inside, its oppressive presence preventing him from taking a deep breath. Zanka, frankly, would rather be ripped open by a terrifying, godlike creature than sit like a small child in his room, dying of shame and humiliation. Of rage.

He has no desire to open the door. The prospect of being locked in the room forever, rotting away like a useless object, not allowing himself to be a burden to others – it's appealing. Looking around the room, his desire for this grows stronger. Especially when his gaze falls on Lovely Assistaff .

Zanka feels her demanding to be touched. And doesn't she deserve to have her little whims fulfilled? She needs to be comforted, damn, he needs to comfort her after such a betrayal.

Wood was treated, smooth to the touch, without a single knot. In most cases, just touching Lovely Assistaff was enough to calm his thoughts and bring them to a clear focus. To organize them, to neutralize the malice in his veins. And only on rare occasions would Zanka be so overcome with hatred and disgust that the staff became a catalyst for releasing his emotions.

Lovely Assistaff hummed. Tensed, trembling in her grip, as if the tree could feel the cold of Zanka's body. A new wave of shame. Teenager, in one of his worst states, again sought solace in his staff. As if it had become a cursed habit, clinging to Lovely Assistaff like a last straw. Did he want her to solve all his problems with a single wave? Perhaps, instead of undeserved gentleness and tenderness, she showed cruelty? That very same, kindred one.

Zanka would have come to his senses. He would have remembered the need to control himself. To control every breath, so as not to inadvertently make a mistake.

And now, in her room, at Cleaners' headquarters, Zanka can't contain himself. Lovely Assistaff doesn't have time to react to her owner's actions when she crashes into the pillow. Soft, feathered, reliable – bought on Gris advice. Fabric tears, feathers fly up, slowly falling across the room. One blow isn't enough. Zanka spares no effort, tormenting the poor, innocent pillow. As she mercilessly beats it, the image of Rudo flashes in her mind. Rudo's words.

"Little shit..."

Table lamp, a gift from Riyo , becomes the next victim. It's impossible to consider how petty he is, tormenting Lovely Assistaff with destruction in the room. Treacherous hands act in their own way, literally digging into the vital instrument, causing pain with scratches not only to Zanka.Lovely Assistaff sends vibrations through his hands, trying to stop the teenager. To stem the flow of anger, shame, disappointment. Fear.

Rudo's eyes were full of fear...

Cracking sound and fragments of a traditional Kumatoria figurine fell to the floor next to the wall. It was the last thing Zanka remembered about the old home. Consolation from Enjin after teenager's first stint in the infirmary.

It's painful to look at destroyed things. It's even more painful to remember the people who gave them to him, the reason for it, the feeling of receiving each item. Rudo would be furious if he saw this. He'd fly into a rage, trying to salvage the remaining fragile pieces. How foolish, trying to put something broken back together.

Rudo is a fool who doesn't mince his words, acts recklessly, and behaves like a mongrel. Zanka hates how this genius manages to stay alive and grow stronger. Teenager is certain that if he were in Rudo's place, he wouldn't be able to accomplish even half of what the boy has achieved.

That's why he hate. Not Rudo of course.

"Yeah. I've never seen your room so devastated." For a second, the destruction ceased. Blue eyes frantically scanned the upturned space, horrified by the scale of the destruction. The body turned away from Enjin, toward the window. Older Cleaner didn't move, standing practically motionless. "Nerves?"

A snort escapes Zanka. Not arrogant, more like hopeless.

"Enjin..." Lovely Assistaff presses herself against his chest, mixing the tremors with the heartbeat of her owner. Jumble of sounds reverberates in his skull, causing his temples to throb and his head to split with the onset of a migraine. The aforementioned older Cleaner hums, letting him know he's listening. Zanka barely fills her lungs with oxygen. Suffocating isn't on teenager's radar just yet. "Do me a favor. Just... Go away..."

"Throwing things around won't solve the problem." Enjin's remark shouldn't make the blood run wild. But it does. Short footsteps shouldn't ring so loudly in the ears. But they do. Zanka can't stand the presence of another. Not now.

"Don't. Care." Too hasty, too abrupt, too confident. Enjin freezes, probably an arm's length away. Close. Suffocatingly close. He needs space, otherwise Zanka isn't sure he can contain the rising tide of rage. "Why did you even come here? Wouldn't it be better to calm Rudo down? What if he accidentally scratched me while slamming me into the ground?"

The expected reaction to the caustic comment didn't come. A deep exhalation was heard, interspersed with the clink of glass against glass. But other than that, nothing else. And this was terribly worse, because tension was mounting at a furious rate. Zanka had actually considered running away. Jumping out the window. In a critical situation. Teenager had become adept at recognizing the danger of a situation, regardless of the combat situation. Nijiku would never have allowed Zanka to go without these training sessions.

After all, Zanka would not have even come close to living up to the family’s hopes.

"Rudo's more or less okay. He's a tough guy, I don't know how he manages it, despite all the sugar he consumes." The slight levity of the words was a distraction. Should Zanka try to guess the hidden meaning behind the words, or just let them go, not giving them too much thought? Even if a vague feeling had been churning deep in his stomach, when Enjin spoke so highly of Rudo? His eyes glanced over his shoulder. Teenager couldn't help but notice that older Cleaner had apparently been living precisely this way the entire time.

Ha.

“Ha! Who would have doubted that bastard would be okay.” Barely contain laughter. It feels like he’s crazy. He’s done something terrible, and now he’s a complete mess. Zanka needs some space in the room. To take it all out on things, on the walls, on the ceilings. But not on Enjin, who’s basically getting caught in the crossfire. Too bad. “Although it’s surprising. With such a foul mouth and shameless behavior, he should have gotten what he deserved from someone long ago. Maybe I should have been that someone.”

Enjin doesn't flinch, but his jaw is clearly clenched tightly. He's holding back. Everyone always tries to hold back around him, as if even the slightest pressure would make Zanka snap like a stick. Apparently, this is the fate of the eternal loser, something he's become simply by birthright. A stigma he's inflicted on himself.

"He's 15." Simple answer. Short, deliberate. Enjin tries to reach out to him, but stops a centimeter from the teenager's shoulder. Zanka's previously blue eyes (now their color resembled the one he saw in the well) send shivers down his spine. They squint warily, watching his every movement, as if standing before a teenager wasn't the person who gave him meaning in life, but a threat, something that could harm him. Words can't describe Enjin's desire to simply embrace the boy in front of him.

"Oh? Are you suggesting I overlook his disgusting behavior because of his age?" Zanka's face twisted, and the other man's hand was slapped away, interrupting older Cleaner's attempt to touch him. At the same time, a sarcastic grin appeared on his face. His legs took steps to the side, further away. Everything inside him was churning, and it wasn't entirely clear what it was from. Anger? Shame? Desperation? Zanka told himself it didn't matter. "Well, you can tolerate this stupid brat, but don't deny the obvious. If he doesn't learn to handle things sensibly, without his childish behavior, he won't last. Life won't give him a break. He'll break, because he's barely even coping! He immediately attacked me, giving in to his emotions, like a true weakling!"

“Zanka.” Enjin doesn’t stand still, moving slowly, deliberately, trying not to be overbearing with his presence. But he can’t deny the anger brewing. He understands that he can’t completely hide it behind worry and concern. It’s bursting out. Zanka’s words are forcing it out. “You say… ridiculous things. Rudo works as hard as he can. Almost always works at the limit of his abilities. He does a lot, a lot. But Rudo is still a child. He doesn’t have to cope with everything.”

Teenager stop. Lovely Assistaff in his hands goes silent, as if turning into an ordinary wooden stick. Zanka wants to yell at older Cleaner, because he was a child too. That he managed. But this. This is wrong to say. Stupid. Lips pressed tightly together. Tongue was lodged between teeth, deliberately bitten until it tasted metallic, just to hold back those pathetic words. Arguing with what was said was pointless, even if it seemed worth it.

"I know." Zank squeezed out bitterly. His head hung down. Ashamed to watch. Ashamed to defend himself from Enjin, who was trying to understand and help. He rarely squeezed Lovely Assistaff so tightly. To the point of a distracting itch, appearing on the rough skin. To the point of pain spreading through the veins of his arms. But the teenager felt he deserved it.

He should have shut up from the start and just waited for punishment.

“You too.”

His head doesn't dare lift. But the stiffness in his shoulders eases as someone else's warm palms envelop him. It feels good. Closeness with someone is so... pleasant. Small, but pleasant. Tightness in his chest becomes less tight, the air passes more easily through his lungs. Lovely Assistaff trembles tenderly in his hands, as if she felt the same warmth as her owner. Zanka would like to ask for more, for familial affection. But it's too much, he already receives too much undeserved warmth.

Is it strange to want care without having done anything to deserve it?

"And you're a child too. You can act stupid sometimes, kid." Zanka probably should have complained about older Cleaner's excessive shoulder squeezing. But the only thing the damn body could do was barely raise a gaze. And swallow any complaints by looking at Enjin's face. There was enough disappointment as it was.

"I'm no longer a child, Enjin." Zanka wants to contradict himself, reminding himself that he sees himself as worse than Rudo. Worse than a capricious child, and in front of a man who shouldn't have made his life difficult with a troubled teenager. It's sickening to think that Zanka, after all, is still causing trouble. Only now he's creating it himself, rather than being subjected to the enemy's deadly blows. Jabber's venom is easier to bear than a lump in his throat. "I don't need consolation. Don't try to soften my punishment with this."

"Ooooh, no. You will definitely be severely punished." Enjin chuckled softly and continued, not giving Zanka a chance to get a word in edgewise. The teenager only hugged Lovely Assistaff closer, dreading the expected retribution. "But after you calm down, I'll take care of you. And no, I won't leave you. It's rare to see you like this. It's…"

Tension rose rapidly. Something unspoken remained between them, settling heavily in the pit of Zanka's stomach. Nausea crept up, a slippery sensation of bitterness on his tongue, while a cold tormented the back of his neck. Blood pulsed in his temples, forcing out a weary exhalation that almost turned into a sob, and Zanka felt like he was about to collapse. Undoubtedly, Enjin, so close to hear but too far to hug, was staring at the teenager intently, with slight confusion.

A trembling chin immediately caught Enjin's eye. An almost imperceptible action, but one that spoke volumes to Enjin. Watching teenage fingers nervously scrape at the wood of his own vital tool was emotionally wrenching. It was as if Enjin were back in the rain, which never really stopped. Only occasionally did it subside enough for a pretense of normalcy. Which meant it didn't matter if it was raining, as long as it wasn't heavy. As long as it wasn't flooding, it was best to ignore it.

He wants to hit himself and then let Zanka know that he is safe.

“Let’s get you a little tidied up, and then you can go to Eishia…”

Zanka so wanted to disappear, to fall through the ground, to jump out the window and run away. Anything, anything, just to escape the shame and guilt of what had happened. Not to think too much about Rudo's words, about why the boy had even said such a thing. Zanka had let go (had he let go, anyway?) of that attempt. Attempts. In any case, he clung to life, always did, refusing to grant himself the mercy of death. Wasn't that obvious?

Could he not notice, not understand, his own intentions and convictions?

Delirium. Nonsense. Madness.

Everyone must understand that Zanka has a will to fight for her life. Especially Enjin. Man must have seen how Zanka fought for every breath.

Isn't that true?

Zanka didn't really need the presence of a loved one. Enjin was just wasting time by staying close. He didn't need another man's hands on his shoulders, their gentle but firm grip on the fabric of his uniform. His body didn't flinch as Zanka was carefully lowered onto the bed while Enjin went to the bathroom.

Teenager tried to ignore the shame that was rapidly overwhelming his mind, making him want to die on the spot as he wiped dried blood from his skin with a wet napkin. But even Lovely Assistaff couldn't comfort him enough, only meekly accepting his owner's tight embrace. Zanka was such an ungrateful loser. Enjin should have been scolding him for his actions, not trying to help, caring as if he deserved such treatment for what he'd done.

Boy wanted to distance himself from the older Cleaner, to not accept so easily what wasn't his due. Maybe he should finally apologize, accept his mistake, and receive the punishment he deserved. But the hand on his head quickly banished coherent thoughts from his skull. Zanka didn't want to flinch, didn't want to recoil slightly, as if he was about to get hit in the head. Enjin's face was hidden by his falling hair as his head bowed lower, but it was foolish to assume anything positive in his wrinkles. Shame gnawed at his skin like a tick, refusing to let him think rationally.

“Hey man, I might ask you an uncomfortable question… You don’t…?”

Zanka hesitated. It wouldn't be long; he had absolutely no desire to keep Enjin waiting. His cautious tone didn't do much to calm him down, only softening his grip on the staff. Goosebumps ran across his skin, making him want to scratch it until it bled. Whole situation was awkward. Nothing worse than one unpleasant question.

"Okay..." His throat was dry, but Zanka managed to force out an answer, suppressing the indescribable heaviness in his chest. A brief nod, and his eyes finally stopped staring into the distance, turning their attention to older Cleaner. Enjin looked terribly serious, but calm.

Zanka tenses.

“Were you shot before you became a Cleaner or after?”

It's very tense.

A chill instantly filled his chest. Zanka didn't dare glance at Enjin anymore, turning his head and staring at an unknown point in front of him. He could pretend he didn't understand what was being said. He could purposefully ignore the slight tugging of his fingers in his hair. But have to be a true fool, lacking social graces, to fail to recognize the seriousness of the question. Zanka couldn't deny the similarity in the description to a certain Cleaner.

"Before." Chest sank into shoulders. Zanka didn't like the sound of his own voice. It was composed, as usual, but crumpled deep in the throat, out of fear and uncertainty about the correct answer. Should have let tongue out when he was a child.

"Yeah... I see." Man fidgeted, removing his hand from Zanka. He suppressed the instinctive urge to reclaim older Cleaner's hand. God, if his brother or sister saw this, they wouldn't hold back their contempt.

“...”

“...”

“Your family… knew about this?”

Man's apparent calm, coupled with the seemingly obvious question, made Zanka want to laugh. Not out of nervousness, but rather because it was funny. Enjin was asking if his parents and siblings knew about his youngest child's injuries? Pfft. They were the cause of most of his injuries.

"Of course they knew." To Zanka's chagrin. Hiding his weakness from Nijiku had never worked for long. He'd tried to justify his family name, but the only thing he'd managed was embarrassment. "Hah. How bad is my family to you that you can think that? Do you think I'd hide bullet holes from them?"

"Zanka, your family are some real scum. I say this with all sincerity, by the way. Would I be surprised if you kept silent about your injuries? Ha! Definitely not." Enjin's figure leaned back, his back against the light-colored walls. His shoulders were less tense, and his mocking tone helped him relax, rather than fiddle with his trembling fingers, trying not to panic.

Zanka couldn't help but snort at older Cleaner's remark, suppressing the warmth spreading within him. Lovely Assistaff gradually found herself on the teenager's lap. A good sign. Conversation was definitely heading in a more pleasant direction than before.

"I couldn't hide it. Kyouka never failed to point out my failures in training. Especially when I failed to dodge."

Heat particles quickly fly into the pit.

“Mmm, I’m sure she will-... Wait, what?”

"What?"

"Kid... You're not serious, are you? Is this some kind of joke? Do you want to get on your older brother's nerves?"

“...”

Two Cleaners' confused gazes met, as if simultaneously asking if the other was serious. Zanka clamped the bitten skin of his lip between his teeth, completely dissatisfied with Enjin's agitation. The teenager felt a need to explain himself, to defend the family's actions, which clearly displeased older Cleaner. He had to make it clear that what he had been through was normal for Nijiku. Despite the tremor in his voice, Zanka sincerely believed in his words. In his family.

"This is something every Nijiku has gone through. Essential survival skills."

Care, Zanka reminded himself. A rare act of love.

"So, I wasn't the only one who had training like this... My brother and sister trained the same way. It was common practice." A heavy sigh from older Cleaner made him swallow the lump in his throat. Not wanting to know how unconvinced and disappointed Enjin might look, he pushed himself to try harder. He had to show that everything was normal. "It... It might sound dangerous, but if I got injured, they always sent me away to recover!"

Teenager chose to remain silent about the shame for the injury he'd received, about the punishment for a boy barely able to stand. It was easier not to share what he'd experienced, to close it off, or better yet, to destroy any possibility of others finding out about it. Especially Enjin. Older Cleaner didn't need to know the minor details that might make him frown even more.

Is it wrong to hold back the truth from the person who literally pulled you out of a hole? Absolutely. But what if it's to avoid worrying them further, considering how much of a burden you already are? Well...

It's a bit pointless, because for some unknown reason that person is extremely unhappy.

"How old."

"What-?"

“How old were you when these… training started?”

Muscles tensed. Silence hung in the room, like a corpse hanging from the ceiling, oppressive with its presence and deathly appearance. The direct answer remained deep in my lungs, buried under yet another attempt to explain. It was not Zanke's place to complain – he had brought the problems on himself.

"Ah... That was when I was already of sound mind, you see? I agreed to it myself, there's no need-"

"Zanka." Why did he shudder, as if he heard the voice not of Enjin, but of someone worse? More familiar...

“...Probably… About 10? Maybe a little less, it all started a few months before my birthday…”

"Zanka-" Before he could begin his sentence, Zanka interrupted the older Cleaner. Teenager couldn't stop the flow of necessary explanations. His fingers fumbled frantically with the fabric of his pants, his nerves flaring. The staff's silence was frightening. It felt as if Zanka weren't talking about his own failures, but rather sharing... something abnormal?

“Does it even matter?”

It sounded harsher than it should have. Enjin narrowed his eyes, smirking doubtfully, evoking more than just shame. He didn't believe him. He didn't believe his upbringing, as if it hadn't made Zanka who he is now. The one thing that must be defended, not out of pride, not out of stubbornness. Zanka can't hold back, anger flares up inside him quickly, and it's almost impossible to hold back the dam's burst.

"What difference does it make?! Kyouka and Goka probably started around the same age, and they were doing just fine! Obviously, there shouldn't have been any problems with me!!" But there were. Not because of excessive cruelty towards him, but because Zanka proved incompetent. "It's lucky I was deemed worthy of starting before them."

The teenager knew how lucky he was. To be born into one of the most influential families was an exceptional blessing, something most could only dream of. And how dare he complain, doubt Nijiku's methods? Zanka wasn't that depraved. He appreciated, he cherished to the core, and was grateful for the breaths of happiness he was allowed.

And be ashamed of his relatives’ unjustified hopes for him.

Zanka thought this had dulled during his time with Cleaners. He'd hoped for rare manifestations, not a constant replay of failures in his mind. Debating every wrong move daily was exhausting, and stopping threatened to gnaw him alive with a sense of lack of effort. Teenager was simultaneously weighed down by a multitude of contradictions with Nijiku's views, and accepting them would have been akin to violating morality itself.

Because how can reject the care of those closest to you?

"Despite everything, I have to be grateful to my family. They raised me – a pathetic, incompetent guy. Fact that I didn't live up to their expectations is entirely my fault.”

Every word was the truth, which Zanka believed in wholeheartedly. He forced himself to believe it.

“I should have… tried harder. Definitely. Be more diligent. More determined. Maybe I wouldn’t have grown up such a… weakling.”

Enjin's silence was starting to get on his nerves. Certainly, the fact that the older Cleaner hadn't uttered a single word made the situation that much worse. Or perhaps he'd finally managed to convince the other of the normality of his upbringing? That it was necessary to raise Zanka properly?

Teenager would not have achieved anything without all the effort put into him.

"Kyouka worked so hard for me. I didn't realize before how many important things she was trying to teach me. Now, with Rudo, I..."

It is completely unclear what motives compelled Kyoka to shoot her own brother.

Even though Zanka tries to formulate a tolerable answer, to find deep within himself a reason why he himself would be ready to do this, one argument keeps popping up in his head.

Zanka couldn't shoot Rudo. Not because of the indecision that would have immediately branded Nijiku a teenager. Younger Cleaner's talent at least had some merit. A minor, almost insignificant merit. Finally, a laughable answer flashed through his mind.

Zanka…

Could not harm a loved one.

Short, feverish breaths escaped his mouth, and his stomach spasmed, sharply bending him in half. His body tried to cope with the sudden heaviness, but guilt killed any attempts before they could be made. Eventually, Zanka nearly fell face-first onto the floor.

“I… screwed up so bad.”

“I’m glad you understand your mistakes, kid.”

Enjin grabbed the teenager's shoulders, holding him upright and pulling him closer. Zanka's muscles instantly tensed, but he only muttered something quietly about not needing comfort, making no attempt to break free.

Good sign.

"Listen, Zanka, the way you were raised, the way you were treated, is far from proper upbringing. Of course, it's not my place to say, looking at how you, Riyo, and Rudo are hanging around, but hey, I'm trying. And I know for a fact that forcing a person to dodge bullets at any age is a damn terrible decision." Clutching the trembling body tighter, Enjin couldn't deny the pain in his chest from seeing Zanka so absentminded and sullen. After the Doll Festival, after convincing himself that his children would be fine, the older Cleaner had been confronted with the pain the teenager had hidden for years. Accepting the norm, for which he should be grateful. 

He's glad he didn't give in to the Zanka family's persuasion and fought for boy's place here in the Cleaners. Enjin would have done the same for any of the children.

“But this-...!”

"A show of concern? Help? Love? Perhaps, in Nijiku's terms. But it shouldn't be that way for you. Zanka, there's nothing wrong with abandoning methods that bring pain... Hah, I'd rather be worried you had the desire to apply that kind of care to anyone." A short laugh came from Enjin alone. Zanka kept his lips pressed together, cutting off the air flow through his mouth. His stomach churned, and the teenager was beginning to feel a profound sense of disgust with himself and his actions. Discomfort was creeping up every crevice, not escaping the attention of the older Cleaner. "...After all, you weren't seriously planning to shoot Rudo. Which doesn't excuse bringing a gun to headquarters, but for now, I think a reprimand will suffice."

Enjin doesn't deny that he could have severely punished Zanka, but remembering Riyo constantly carrying a gun, his guilty conscience is making itself felt. Kids have been giving him heart attacks too often lately.

Flick to the forehead quickly brought his eldest child out of his self-torture, eliciting not only a frown from Zanka but also a feeling of relief from the sight in Enjin. It was pleasant to see the familiar irritation on the boy's face. Warmth settled in his chest.

"So, now I see our usual sullen Zanka, who doesn't have to pay for the care shown to him, or think he deserves love. Because no one here is going to demand that of you." Enjin didn't skimp on ruffling the blond hair, earning a quiet protest as tried to break free. He exploited the boy's vulnerability to squeeze him tighter while he could. Zanka almost always maintained a stoic expression, not allowing any affection to escape. Needed to seize the opportunity to embarrass him later, remembering how he'd clung to Enjin like a kitten. "Understand?"

"Yes... I guess so." The warm embrace was too comforting for teenager. The situation was starting to feel unsettling. Without thinking too much about it, Zanka continued. "Thank you..."

"No problem, kid..." Gentle, caring pat caused embarrassment to creep across his face, instantly coloring his cheeks a warm shade. Oh, now that his nerves had subsided, he was nervous because Enjin, damn it, was HUGGING Zanka! Gently, like a father. In a way his own father never did. His joy doubled, naturally exceeding acceptable limits. Holding back a satisfied giggle seemed like an impossible task. Zanka didn't care much if Enjin looked like he was having a hysterical fit. The main thing was the warmth of another.

"But you'll still need to talk to Rudo. And contact Eishia. And tell where you got the gun in the first place. I don't remember the law about allowing 17-year-olds to carry a gun."

Mouth snapped shut within seconds of the information reaching the brain.

"...Eishia. You told me, I need to see Eishia."

"Good option. Just don't delay with the rest, okay?"

….

Enjin, no matter how wonderful he was, no matter how much he did for Zanka, was a real jerk.

And he says this completely sober, staring inwardly at the menacing eyes, filled with silent discontent. Condemnation in them was disturbing, beginning to enrage him. Memories of the argument quickly flashed through Zank, and with them, shame. Humiliation struck him at the sight of Rudo, whose posture and expression screamed rage and stubbornness. Instinctively, his mouth opened to complain about the boy's disrespect. And then snapped shut.

Leave. While it's still possible, until he's ready to speak without hatred for what Rudo said.

Damn, Enjin knew for sure that the younger Cleaner was headed to the infirmary. Oh, Zanka's almost certain he sent the little bastard there himself. And then, without a single smug hint, sent Zanka there too!

In some way, he feels deceived by the person he loves most. And foolish for allowing himself to be deceived. Zanka should have sensed Enjin's plans with just his toes by now.

Perhaps his jaw wouldn't have clenched so tightly if he'd given him a little more time to find his words. Perhaps his body wouldn't have screamed in discomfort under the younger Cleaner's intense gaze. Itch in his hands reminded him of Lovely Assistaff's absence, at one of the most inopportune moments. He almost turned around, wanting to run back to his room and lock himself in there again. To think about an apology, to return with his staff and explain. Perhaps he'd get punched in the face again. Well deserved.

"Oh! Zanka, don't stand in the doorway! Please come in, I need to step away, but I'll be back soon and I'll be sure to check you out. Would you mind waiting?" Eishia's soft voice stopped him from running. It wasn't intentional, but Zanka was sure the girl had guessed something. She was too hasty to leave him and Rudo alone. Was everyone conspiring against him today?

“It’s okay, I don’t feel that bad.”

Physically. Emotions raged like a storm of debris, as if a godlike being stood before him again, determined to kill. But his feet, shuffling terribly, carried his weight toward the nearest bunk, cowering under the intense, almost predatory observation. He noticed that Rudo was surprisingly closer than Zanka had thought. Perhaps he was already beginning to delirious.

But the awkwardness and silence were starting to suffocate him. Zanka couldn't afford to choke on his damn nerves again. It was his fault – that was all. He couldn't let anything else cross his mind, he'd screwed up, and an apology was the least a teenager could do. That was the first step.

“Listen Rudo, I-”

"I'm sorry."

Teenager was interrupted. Maybe it wasn't just Zanka who needed time; Rudo's voice sounded as if HE’D almost shot his mentor, not the other way around. Seriously, boy was getting on his nerves as much as his own mind.

Roughness of his voice cut neatly into the distance between them, stretching the thin line to its limits. It hurt Zanka to see the nervousness flicker across the boy's skin. It was his fault. Perhaps she should have hugged Rudo, told him he shouldn't feel bad about him. Take a cue from Enjin, who had shown tolerance and concern despite Zanka's actions. Younger Cleaner deserved some comfort.

But as Rudo tried to extend his hand, his reflexes were faster than his own, batting the hand away with particular vehemence. It took the little brat a full two seconds to comprehend his actions, his pale eyelashes fluttering in confusion. Opening his mouth to try and explain, Rudo quickly stopped Zanka's snorting and eye-rolling.

"Keep your tired apologies to yourself." He sighed in exasperation and touched the bridge of his nose out of habit, but his hand immediately jerked away as a stabbing pain shot through his head. He wanted to get mad at Rudo, but he wasn't that petty. He wasn't angry, just dissatisfied. "I'd beat up the idiot who pointed a gun at me, too. But I'm not so stupid that I'd apologize later."

The immediate reaction of baring teeth and growling is a little surprising. Damn whelp.

"Ugh! Go to hell, idiot! I apologize for my words, not for beating your stupid ass." After angrily blurting out his sentences, Rudo couldn't help but give him the middle finger. Zanka would have been outraged by such impudence, as if he'd smack him on the head with Lovely Assistaff. But now, it seemed like a stupid move.

"Ah..." A slight hesitation softened the frown on his face. Their gazes met for a moment before his blue eyes dropped. His hands crossed protectively, thumbs gently running over the uniform, which was unpleasant to the touch due to the blood and sand. "...Good. You still have the beginnings of a conscience. I was afraid it had completely vanished after the dog's form." Boy's thoughtful nod, confirming his thought, caused Rudo to gnash his teeth in displeasure. A slight smirk touched Zanka's face, infuriating younger Cleaner. "Don't worry about it too much. I don't care what you said in a fit of anger. You didn't really know what you were talking about."

There was no desire to deal with this, and staying any longer was unbearable. Squinting, one could tell he and Rudo had spoken. At the very least, Zanka had made his point clear. It felt like his bones were clenching, trying to blunt the urge to leave, to cut the conversation short where he should have accepted guilt. Basically, Zanka should have strangled himself for his actions, but doing something so significant in front of Rudo was irresponsible. All that remained was words.

"Don't do that again." Red eyes looked too seriously into Zanka's soul. He shuddered.

“You mean… not shoot you?”

“No… I mean,well, yes. That too. But I meant something else. I won’t…” The way the younger Cleaner’s voice wavered was stinging. Zanka now wanted to punch his past self, who had thought it was a good idea to upset Rudo. “I won’t forgive you if I see you again… Go limp in someone else’s arms. As if you’ve already accepted the end, as if you’re not a stubborn idiot threatening to train me until I pass out. I won’t forgive you if dirty assholes like Mymo or Jabber force you to close your eyes forever. You don’t… have the right to leave me without a mentor.” Without a family member, flashes through the teenagers’ thoughts, but remains unspoken. An unknown need arises in Zanka to caress the boy. "And I'll kick the ass of anyone who dares think you're weak! Even your stupid family. Especially your crooked-eyebrowed bitch brother."

Zanka's eyebrows twitched. Almost identical to Goka’s. To hell with the consolation of the little bastard, who either forgot (hopefully he had) about his mentor's eyebrows, or remembered everything perfectly well and was simply trying to get revenge with such a comment. Son of a bitch.

"You know, Goka and I have similar eyebrows. Almost identical."

“Yes. I noticed.” Rudo pauses, considering Zanka’s remark for a moment. The operative word is «a little».“But you’re much prettier. They suit you better.”

Zanka stared at Rudo, who, with all his composure, seriousness, and confidence, was saying something so simultaneously ordinary and absurdly stupid. He'd just belittled Goka's appearance without a second thought. Perhaps Zanka should have tried to defend his family member, but... A quiet chuckle escaped him. And then he couldn't hold back a full-blown laugh.

"Just don't say that to his face. Ha. Otherwise, the way his brow furrows in anger will make you say something else stupid." He covers his mouth with his hand, noticing Rudo's attempt at a smile. God, his joy has never faded so quickly. But Zanka refrains from commenting. "Ha-ha... Thanks, Rudo... And sorry for wanting to shoot you. I just..." Now the outstretched hand met him calmly. Almost weightlessly, Zanka placed it on the other's shoulder. "I wanted to do the best thing. Teach you to defend yourself if anything went wrong. But I screwed up, I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I thought this would be best for you. Yelling. Leaving you without answers."

Honestly, despite all the Academy's preparation and all the family's teachings, Zanka couldn't stand the gentleness, understanding, and trust in Rudo's gaze. Older teenager lacked that. There was no point in getting upset, but swallowing the resulting lump of toxic negative thoughts was difficult. It wasn't impossible, it just took time. But did he have it now? Good question.

There was no need to rush now, though. Especially when Rudo's head leaned against his hand. Damn, Riyo was so right about the younger one's hair...

"I... Thanks for your concern. Not for trying to shoot me. Just that you're thinking about me. That you don't want me to get hurt..." Zanka couldn't help but smile. It wasn't so bad, it turned out, being so close to little brat. At least now he wasn't as awkward as he might have been.

"I think I'm even glad it turned out this way. When else will I get an apology from someone as impudent as you?"

Zanka will definitely leave Rudo to die at the hands of the trash monster someday. After taking all the sweets for himself.

"Oh, don't worry. I'll bring them next time, unless I warn you before I point the gun."

“Huh? Next time?! You jerk, are you going to shoot me again?!?”

"Well, if you keep yelling like that, I'll definitely think about it! Work on your sense of humor; you clearly don't have one!"

“Fuck-!”

"S-sorry I had to leave! But, now I can examine you thoroughly, please don't go yet! I need to grab a few supplies…"

Eishia, completely oblivious to the interrupted argument, hurried to the cabinets filled with medicines, gauze, and other medical supplies, taking out the necessary items. Zanka, like a decent man, didn't continue the pointless argument, turning his head to the side. Unnoticed by the other two people in the room, his lips curved into a soft smile, and his shoulders slumped.

Zanka is actually pleased. He muses that he can tolerate Rudo a little more if necessary. Boy will definitely drive him crazy, but at least he'll stay to help. Protect him if needed, and not just because they're blood relatives. No, definitely not. Rudo has long since made it clear to the team that he cares for his family , regardless of how weak, annoying, and reckless Cleaners are. And that... softens Zanka.

“...I want to know what happened during the wolf-”

Does Rudo have a habit of ruining moments with his inappropriate words? How did he ever manage to communicate with people before?

“Try another time when we’re not in the infirmary because of each other.”

“Ugh. You can’t keep quiet forever, everyone here has a long tongue.”