Chapter Text
I open the door to yet another hat store, I have been to five other hat stores today and none of them had what I'm looking for: a Capotain—you know, those ugly cylinder shaped hats pilgrims wore. I thought it would be a perfect hat to trap Perry the Platypus in, seeing as it's an evil trap and the pilgrims were definitely evil. Also it's one of the few hats that are big enough to hold an entire platypus.
I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I close the door gently in hopes of not having one of those stupid little bells announce my presence. It doesn't work and that stupid bell makes its stupidly loud bell sound.
A short man in a purple bowler hat and a teal trench coat appears from behind a large pile of hat boxes. His face lights up when he sees me. “Oh! A customer! I haven't had one of those in forever!” He says with enthusiasm practically dripping from every word.
“Uh—” I start before being interrupted by the enthusiastic man.
“Oh, how rude of me! You can call me the Haberdasher!” He turns and starts to grab hats off of the shelves. He looks between me and the hat in his hand several times before muttering something I can't make out and putting it back on the shelf.
“I'm Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz” I say cautiously. I'm not quite sure what the Haberdasher is doing, but I take the opportunity to look around his store. There are quite a few odd hats that I don't know the name of. Actually I don't know the name of most of the hats in this store.
“Ah, what do you think about this one?” He holds out a gray tweed hat. “It's called a ‘ivy hat’—but if you found my store you probably already know your way around hats”
“Actually, I'm not looking for a hat for myself—you see I'm not much of a hat person, back in Gimmelshtump if you wore hats you were mocked as being scared of the sun, which is quite an insult as it was a common belief that the sun is sentient and would only bestow prosperity on those who didn't wear hats. And I always had to wear a hat for—for reasons” I trail off, he didn't need to know that I was forced to dress up as a lawn gnome; I don't know why I told him so much, I normally save my backstories for Perry the Platypus. Oh, speaking of Perry…
“I'm looking for an oversized Capotain. For a friend. I've been to five other hat stores today and none of them have had one”
The Haberdasher gets down from a stool I hadn't noticed him climb up on. “Hmm, that is an unusual request; I don't believe I have ever made a Capotain. There's just not much demand for them, you see.”
“Oh. Well I'll be moving on to the next store in that case” I turn to leave, I was really hoping this was the last hat store I had to go in.
“However! I would be happy to make you one as a special request?”
I stop and turn to look at him, he has a big grin on his face. (It would be weird if he had a big grin anywhere else though, of course it's on his face) “How long would that take?”
“Only two or three hours! I don't have much else I have to do.” The Haberdasher looks proud of this statement, which I guess is reasonable—all the other custom hat places I looked at said they take around two weeks. And as much fun as I knew this trap would be, I'm not going to wait two weeks for a hat. In two weeks when the hat showed up I would have probably forgotten what it was for and then I would have to deal with a massive hat.
“Alright, I can wait a couple hours. Do you need a down payment or do you want me to pay in full when the hat is done?” I ask. I hope he doesn't ask me to put a down payment on a hat, but you never know with these eccentric little shops; I once tried to buy a side table in a store that felt very similar to this one and they asked me to put a down payment on it.
“Heavens no! I would never dream of asking someone to put a down payment on a hat, that would be ridiculous” he puts a hand over his heart.
“Anyway, you mentioned you were looking for an ‘oversized Capotain’, is that right?”
“Yeah, I need the hat to be about two feet tall” I adjust my lab coat.
The Haberdasher blinks rapidly in confusion “My, that is an oversized hat. I do have to ask, do you intend to wear this hat?”
“No it’s a—a novelty item” I say, I probably should have led with that.
I let him know about my other requirements for the hat—which there aren't really any, I really don't care what the hat looks like as long as it can hold Perry.
“I'll come back around one o'clock, if that's okay with you?” I say.
“Oh, yes. That's quite alright with me.” he seems lost in thought. He turns and starts walking towards his backroom.
I watch him walk through the door and I stare at it for a long moment before heading out of the building, this time not bothering to try and avoid the stupid bell sound.
I end up sitting in a small diner; I ordered a cheese burger and fries, but they remain untouched. I check my watch, it reads 11:53. I poke at my burger and sigh.
I'm startled out of my thoughts when the tall woman who made my food asks me “Are you going to eat that burger, or are you just going to keep sitting in my shop looking like a lost puppy dog?”
“No! I'm going to eat it, see” I take a large bite of my burger “Mmm, very good”
She raises an eyebrow at me before shaking her head and turning away to work on some kitcheny stuff. (I'll admit I don't know all that much about running a dinner. Or any restaurant really, but how different can they be?)
I look down at my burger. Now that I think about it, I really am hungry. I finish my burger and my fries. I check my watch again and it reads 12:18. I wonder if the Haberdasher is already done with my hat, he seems like the kind of person to work quickly.
I wonder if Perry will like this trap, after all I do go to quite the effort to make it. I bet the Haberdasher would be shocked if he knew what I was planning to do with the hat.
I check my watch again, it reads 12:47. I pay my bill and head back over to the Haberdasher's shop. I push open the door and head inside, I don't try to stop the stupid bell from making it’s stupid bell sounds. The Haberdasher doesn't seem to be in the store at the moment so I take the opportunity to look at some of his other hats.
I had just picked up a top hat when the Haberdasher opens the door and comes out into his shop carrying a comically oversized hat box. He's muttering a song under his breath, I can't make out most of it but I can make out “—a hat for that” it must be one of those weird new songs hipsters are listening to nowadays.
“My, you're early” he says when he notices me. He puts the box down carefully on the counter. “It's…oh I guess it is twelve fifty eight; no matter, your hat is done and I hope it lives up to your wildest hat dreams!”
He straightens his jacket before taking the lid off of the hat box and pulling out the Capotain with an elegant flourish. It was almost comical, seeing a man of such short stature holding up a hat of that size.
I take the hat from him and examine it from several different angles; I'm deeply impressed with the quality. The stitching is incredibly straight and I can't find any flaws. I put the hat back in the hat box and put the lid back on the box.
We talk for a little bit longer and then I pay him, it cost more than I expected but then again it is a custom hat, and it is remarkably high quality. He gave me his business card that's shaped like a little hat and had an adorable ribbon tied around it.
Anyway, while im walking out the door he says “it was nice meeting you Dr. Doofenshmirtz, I hope you have a need for my hat making skill again!”
“If I do I'll be sure to come back here” I say