Chapter Text
“Max, Max get up.” Sam shook his partner awake.
“Mmm five more minutes Sam.” The lagamorph muttered in return, curling into the sheet. He shut his eyes tighter as the morning light streamed through the window onto his face.
Much to his dismay Sam responded by throwing Max and the covers off the bed, “No little pal we’re gonna be late.” Sam insisted.
“Since when did I care about tardiness?” Max rubbed his eyes, rolling off of the floor with the sheets like a burrito wrapped in tin foil.
Then Max took a look at his partner, who was already buttoning his pristine white dress shirt.
“We got a case or something?” Max asked rising from his slumber.
“Not just any case…” Sam slid on a suit jacket, but Max noticed it was different than his usual blue gray coloured one, this one was black with little coat tails at the back. It matched with the black suitpants his partner was wearing.
Max yawned, the duo had been up late last night working on a case cracking down on a geriatric mob that was enslaving the nurses at the nursing home. Some of the seniors had escaped into the night so they had been circling around the city with pudding cups looking to draw them out of hiding. Of course they managed to catch all of them, only employing an unnecessary amount of violence before the night was over. He could go for some pudding right now, but his thoughts then turned back to whatever case they had today, he couldn’t remember, it was something important though.
“Ah the case, yeah, what case was that exactly?”
“The case of our matrimony knucklehead.” Sam said as he did up his tie. This one was different too, instead of his usual blue stripped one, he looped a yellow and black one around his neck.
“Right right…” Max said as his brain processed. “Sam, we're getting married!”
“Well we will be if we can somehow defy the good laws of nature and make it in time,” Sam glanced at the time then winced. “Now would be a good time for you to get dressed, little buddy.”
Max leapt over to the closet, grabbing his gown, “Hey Sam isn’t it considered bad luck for me to see you before the wedding?”
“Only if you believe in all that superstitious malarkey.”
“Don’t say malarkey.” He said putting his hands on his hips. Below his hands Max's dress poofed out hiding his legs in full frilly skirt.
“Great electroshock machine maxed out to kill Max, you look stunning.” Sam exclaimed, causing his top hat to slant on his head. “If looks could kill, well I’d be six feet under.”
“Let’s save that for after the wedding.” Max responded. He adjusted his veil adding, “I like the top hat Sam, it really adds a certain presidential flair, I would know.”
The DeSoto sped down the freeway, zooming between cars and violating all sorts of traffic laws. The smelt of burnt rubber filled their senses as they raced down the asphalt. Sam’s head hung out the side of the car, his tongue sticking out to the side as the big dog enjoyed the breeze against his face. Meanwhile Max fired his luger at the billboards plastered on the side of the road as his face bathed in the bright morning sun.
“Gotcha!” Max exclaimed as he nailed one of the lawyers on the billboard with a psychotic grin right in between the eyes.
“Nice one, bet you couldn’t do it with your eyes closed now.”
“You’re on Sam!” Max said, throwing the veil over his eyes. He swung the gun recklessly over the side of the car, missing just about every shot.
In no time Sam swerved the car off the highway and into the parking lot of the church. As they hurried closer to the building they could already hear the organ music playing inside.
“There you guys are!” Sybil said as she walked the corridor of the church. “I thought I was going to call off the wedding.”
Naturally Sybil was also their wedding coordinator, one of the many jobs she had experience with. “Okay Sam you need to go to the front, and Max you stay back here with me.”
Sam walked towards the front, briefly turning his head to smile at Max, before turning it back to the altar. Max felt his face grow warm as Sam smiled at him. Alright he’s cute, he thought as he watched his soon to be husband walk over toward the large stained glass window.
“There you are!” Max heard a familiar voice exclaim as he spotted a redhead in a green suit approaching him, “Took you guys long enough.”
“Geek!” Max said, running over to his daughter figure.
“For a minute I thought you guys were ditching your wedding for a case or something.”
“Nah we just slept in, geez we’re not that workaholic.”
Geek gave him a knowing glare.
“Okay well I’m not.” Max specified. “How’s school been by the way?”
“You know, same old, engineering’s been good but I was itching for something a bit more hands-on, so in my spare time I’ve been building nuclear powered lasers to eviscerate the plastic waste problem we’re having.”
“Ooh lasers! I want to try some out.”
“Maybe after the wedding.”
“Oh right yeah that.”
“Speaking of which, I think you’ll like the wedding present I got you guys.”
“Is it a gun that launches venomous snakes?”
“No.”
“How about an intergalactic planetary decimator?"
“Not quite.”
“I know! A boobytrapped monument made in our likeness.”
“You’ll find out soon enough, I should leave you to it, but I’m happy to see you guys finally make it official." She smiled. “Knock em’ dead.”
Then she turned back calling out, “Metaphorically I mean!”
“I make no promises!” Max said.
It was nice seeing Geek again, Max hadn’t seen her since she moved out of their basement to go to some fancy university for intellectuals with wealthy parents near Boston he couldn’t bother recalling the name of. Him and Sam of course were not wealthy, but Geek was able to attend on scholarship by scoring the highest possible SAT score and possibly in part by him and Sam threatening to release incriminating evidence against the guy on the scholarship approval committee.
“You look great Max, the dress suits you.” Sybil commented as she not so sneakily dusted off the gun powder residue on Max’s gown.
“Thanks! I got it from a dead woman, the family was selling it for super cheap, I had to get it tailored of course but it was in good shape, and the blood stains came right out!”
“Right.” Sybil laughed uncomfortably. “So this Commissioner, he’s going to be the one walking you down the aisle?”
“Yep.”
“You see him? I asked Sam what he looked like but all he could say is that he was ‘generally faceless and utterly indescribable’.”
“That's the Commissioner alright. He’s right over there!” Max said, pointing to a person off to the side of the aisle with very distinctive yet non specific features.
“Hey there Max.”
“Comish!” Max exclaimed. “You made it.”
“Wouldn’t miss this for the world, not everyday my two freelance employees marry each other.” The Commissioner said.
“Alright Commissioner, now’s the time.” Sybil said, shooing Max down the aisle as his boss took his arm.
The two of them walked down the velvety red carpet that draped the church floor. Max’s gaze turned to the Commissioner, smiling at him, his boss nodded approvingly. The organ tune reverberated in the building. As they made their way through the rows, Max felt the eyes turn to face him, but the only one that caught his eye was Sam. The light through the stained glass window draped Sam in a soft pink and yellow. It was almost like a dream. But if it was all just the hallucinations from his sleep deprived mind, then he wanted to rest his eyes a bit longer.
It was only a couple months ago now that Max had lost his partner, but now here he was, in one piece, a goofy grin plastered on his maw. Maybe he wasn't his Sam, not the one he had helped with his inexplicable electromagnetic powers, not the one he had gone on television with, and not the one who waved a final goodbye to. This Sam wasn't the one who had left him alone as snowflakes dotted on his white fur.
And yet... it was still Sam.
Still his partner, the biggest dork that he could officially call his. As Max walked closer he couldn't help the anticipation that was building in him, it was real, tangible even, something he had thought he'd never have again.
As he approached the stand, the Commissioner took his place off to the side leaving him with Sam. Then a voice before him grabbed hold of his attention, Max turned his head to look upon as secret agent, turned president and also ordained minister Superball spoke.
“We gather here on this joyous occasion to celebrate the matrimony of former first lady Sam and former president Max.” He continued in perfect monotone, “Together they make two halves of the formidable Freelance Police. I have the honour of binding these dear friends of mine in the sanctity of marriage. Apologies, it’s difficult to not be emotional at times like these.” Superball said with no change in inflection. “And now sirs it is time for the vows.”
Vows. Right. Vows. Max was trying to remember what he wrote down.
For the past couple weeks the lagomorph had been wracking his brain about what to write about his partner. The initial “draft” so to say, started as a series of pros and cons Max illegibly scribbled down about Sam. He listed his habit of singing banjo tunes like some tone deaf cowboy who had been shot in the larynx, he noted the way nerd out about some obscure fact and go on for hours about it, and of course the way that Sam drove that would make an ordinary person wonder how on Earth he managed to get a license in the first place.
Sybil had helped him organize his thoughts. She tried to encourage him saying, “These are great and all… but why don’t you talk about how Sam makes you feel.”
“Feel,” Max responded, scratching his head. “Hm, doesn’t ring a bell.”
“You know the romantic feelings you have for your partner. That’s typically the kind of thing couples includes in their vows.”
“Sounds like a snooze fest. Though you might be onto something, these vows are lacking a certain something, what it could really use is more action!”
“That’s not exactly what I meant.” Sybil said but Max was already furiously scribbling down more ideas.
Max pulled the cue cards out of his top of dress. “Sam…” he cleared his throat, glancing at the cards he had prepared. Then he immediately threw them to the side.
“Hey Sam, you remember the time we were nearly sacrificed by some cultists to appease the volcanic gods, then pushed them off a cliff—I mean guided them to a better place, in order to dodge their spontaneous combustible bodies. That was a fun time." Max smiled, "What I’m saying is that—”
The stained glass behind them suddenly cracked, pieces of glass exploded like a fractured rainbow all over the wedding party.
Max spat out a shard as he turned to face the broken window.
Smoke rippled through the shattered glass.
“Sam and Max!” A voice boomed from where the window used to be. “You have been found guilty for crimes against time.” The voice said with a sinister laugh.
A cough reverberated through his lungs as Max tried to excel out the smoke. He squinted his eyes, trying to get a good look at the bastard interrupting their ceremony. Max drew his luger, aiming it at the gray clouds.
“Hey no one interrupts our matrimony and gets away with it!” Sam said, pulling out his Big Kill.
“Eat lead sucka!” Max exclaimed between coughs firing randomly at the smoke. Sam took up arms in unison, his shots disappearing into the fog.
There was yelling and running around them as some of the guests fled from the building, some watched on, and others drew their guns.
The smoke overtook the church as the bullet casings clamoured as they hit the floor. Max could only vaguely make out Sam’s focused glare as he aimed his gun higher.
Then his partner froze.
His body was wrapped in a red outline of light.
“Sam!” Max yelled.
His partner seemed unable to move, not even a twitch as the red light grabbed hold.
Then the light moved as Sam was effortlessly lifted up into the air.
Max jumped. His hands stretched outwards Sam. But as he lunged forward his partner was just out of grasp.
He fell back to the ground as the red light carried Sam higher.
The smoky air was slowly dissipating, showing the outline of a large vessel hovering just beyond the glass. Max’s eyes darted across the structure, he could see no sign of Sam.
“Take this Max!” The Geek yelled out, sliding something across the floor.
Max grabbed the massive bazooka aiming it right at the center of the haul of the submarine. He pulled the trigger. The shot sent Max flying backwards. He lifted his head aiming the rock launcher again as he watched the shot head straight toward the ship.
Then it was gone. The ship disappeared into the air. No impact. The rocket continued to travel into the horizon and he heard a blast in the distance as it detonated somewhere on the ground.
All he could do was look on.
“You bastards!” Max screamed at the empty sky.