Work Text:
A brief story of how a certain CRT saved me
Since we’re celebrating the anniversary of Deltarune Chapters 3 and 4, I wanted to share with you how this little game saved and changed my life.
All my life, I’ve had this feeling that something was wrong with me. The way people excluded me, the way they made fun of me, and how I was always treated as “less than” by both my friends and my family. In 2023, I was recovering from a suicide attempt I made in December 2022. I started taking medication for depression and to manage my migraines. Of course, I wasn’t doing well, and that’s when I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. And that was extremely difficult for me, because at first I didn't want to accept that I was different. I kept telling myself over and over that “I wasn't like my siblings,” “that I was normal,” “it was just a rough patch.” I wanted to be just a normal human, But what does it mean to be a normal human being?
As time went on, I began to isolate myself more and more. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t eat properly, I didn’t draw, I didn’t do anything. I was at such a critical point in my life that it felt like I was on autopilot. And things around me kept getting worse. With each passing day, my family grew poorer, and people wanted me to get into a prestigious college and earn a good degree. And I was just like a doll, there for people to play with... Deciding how I would dress, how I would cut my hair, what my career would be. I was every mother’s dream, a little princess.
And by that point, I was about to try to kill myself again. I’ll be honest with you... I don’t remember a single thing that happened in the meantime. Except for a few important experiences I had with my best friend.
>_Then, I saw HIM;
>_It was love at first sight;
>_At that moment;
>_Something broke down in my brain;
>_And after I rebooted;
>_ I knew HE would be my favorite characterst;
Tenna was amazing to me. He’s so lively, talks a lot, moves around all the time, dances, laughs out loud...
I realized he was everything I wanted to be.
And I didn’t feel jealous. No, no! Quite the opposite, I loved him!
I loved him with all my heart. Because his whole way of being won me over, and I started to feel more excited. I wanted to draw him, I wanted to make animations, watch edits, read fanfiction. I wasn’t the lifeless Abel anymore, because the life Tenna had blossomed inside me.
I have to admit I find this a bit funny, but it’s all true. Just as he was expressive, I wanted to be more expressive. If he talked nonstop, I made my friends' lives a nightmare by not stopping to talk about spamtenna. And when he laughed out loud, I laughed too, and the people around me saw me laughing. And my God! I spent years unable to laugh out loud (family trauma/not being allowed to make noise at home), and there I was. LAUGHING!!! The sensation of my screen made me feel like a star just like him, the brightest one.
- On the right is the first drawing I made of him
I started coming up with projects. In August, I began writing my first fanfic, an Undertale AU where Spamton and Tenna have feelings for each other and don’t know how to deal with it. And it was so much fun to write. The fact that everyone wanted me to get into a top-tier college made me really anxious, so I wrote to make myself feel better. And it worked!
And as time went on, I made friends, friends who were also fans of Deltarune, and especially fans of Tenna. And then I discovered that there were people who admired me and admired what I did. Some who only started writing because I motivated and helped them from the very beginning. Others liked my drawings and became more interested in art and started studying because of me. And then I realized that I was important, that my existence had an impact on people, and that a lot of people liked me.
- On the left is my first fanfic cover.
I created my first AU based on my favorite things and also started writing a defernull fanfic (I swear I’m still going to finish it, and for the love of God, don’t read it because I need to update the terrible translation I did back then). I also started getting out of the house more and reconnecting with my friends. I went to my first geek event cosplaying as Spamton. I painted a giant Tenna on my wall and a small Spamton on the shelf. I wrote songs, said “screw it” and didn’t go to college, got drunk at the beach, turned 18 (the legal age in Brazil). And I felt, after a long time, that I was alive. And all of this thanks to a certain CRT.
- On the left is my Defernull fanfic cover.
- On the right is my first AU "LostWoods"
>_So I learned that it was okay to be myself;
>_That there was nothing wrong;
>_With wanting to do what I love;
>_I realized that life was worth living;
And today, I’m the Abel you all know. I’m working on my interactive game C.R.T. - a Deltarune ARG. Today, I’m not ashamed to be cringey. Today, I’m here writing to celebrate the one-year anniversary of Tenna saving my life. Thank you so much, truly. And just to keep up the usual...
That is why i love TV