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Sometimes the negative outweighs the positive. Actually, it’s all the time. Right from when you lost your home before joining the scouts to when Eren ended the war with his brutal genocide.
You can’t help but just lay there, soak up the bed and not get up for hours. What’s the point anyways? You lost everything. You lost your home, You lost your friends, you lost your job, and most importantly your purpose.
You weren’t there when the rumbling actually went down.
You were a captain, a vocal one at that.
And the Yeagerists didn’t like opposition.
They cracked down on you and kidnapped you essentially, held you under with numerous officers and cadets that didn’t support their lethal cause.
You couldn’t believe the betrayal, because it was your own handpicked squad that turned on you.
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“What the hell is the meaning of this! Lay your hands off me!” You shouted with your core voice.
You let your guard down back at headquarters and that's when a hoard of them grabbed you and dragged you away. You noticed a couple of familiar faces.
You knew why they were doing this, yet at the same time you couldn’t fathom it.
“It's for your own good!” –Ivan, one of your cadets. His prickly black hair was shiny with sweat, you intentionally gave them grief to tire them out. But they were physically stronger, so much for combat training.
“Stand down! We didn’t want to have to do this.” He barked again, his voice was laced with anxiety but fierceness. He was willing to do this even though deep down he didn’t want to.
“You have a choice! I can’t believe you're willing to turn on your comrades to help enact Erens stampede. You’re more than this, I know it Ivan. I’ve seen it in you.” You thrashed further– it was no use.
“It's not just Ivan, It's all of us.” Your oldest cadet, Adel, spoke with a stoic expression. Within that expression you could see the mark of hatred in it. Something told you it wasn’t aimed at you.
Your eyebrows cinched together. You peered around and really got a look at their faces.
Matteo, Albert, Lans, Jurgen, and even Heidi. The ginger freckled girl who sang songs to wounded soldiers, even she was with this violence.
All the fury melted away from your expression, and instead it chose to simmer deep down within you as you accepted this scenario.
You stopped fighting and instead complied with them, letting them take you to your cell.
You didn’t even want to look at their faces anymore, completely shrouded with utter disappointment.
You sat there for the time being.
The cell was hot and musty. The lighting was grim much like your expression.
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It had been a couple of hours or maybe even longer. You laid there, on your side facing the stone wall.
The stone was rugged from its age and shined slightly. For something rather ugly in its aesthetic it was beautiful. It was the foundation for this very building. It kept the memories of what it protected. You imagined that if you touched it, it would show you some of the forgotten years.
The stone didn’t talk. It didn’t begin to extract its knowledge and give it to you through touch.
It began to shake.
It started to tremble, then it shook with no mercy.
It was indirectly telling you what was happening.
The rumbling had started.
–
You weren’t someone who would laze around all day and would even procrastinate using the bathroom. Heck, even showering.
But ever since that day you kept laying on your side, staring into nothing. All day almost everyday.
You wouldn’t be surprised if you got up and one side of you had flattened.
Even when the rumbling had stopped, and everyone began mingling outside again. You quit the scouts, resigned from your position as a captain, ’rented’ an apartment and laid there.
You couldn’t even see your friends who fought through the rumbling, they were across the sea.
Sometimes tears came out, quivering sobs and wailing. Other times you were numb.
–
“Hey” Levi sat on your bed, calling out to you.
You should respond to him.
He sat there for a hot minute, before he called out to you again.
“You need to eat, you haven’t had breakfast and it's past lunch.” He laid his mangled hand on your arm.
He sounded so soft it made you want to cry. His voice carried a low grumble, but he still spoke in a deep soft voice. He almost never did that.
“Come on.” He pushed further into you. Needing to peer at your face.
You were hearing him but at the same time he was distant. You were stuck in a trance and he knew that, he knew you very well.
“You’ve come this far, you’ve survived titans. I’m not letting you die from starvation.” There was a hint of humor in his words.
He rolled you over on your back. Your eyes were swollen red and your hair was matted. You began to reek as well.
With how sluggish you were it slightly reminded him of the half dead people in the underground. Too weak without sunlight.
You looked at Levi, his expression looked like he was in pain. Like he was hurting but not physically. Who were you kidding, you both were in the same boat. He’s lost everyone and anyone he's ever met, and yet you're the one sulking.
He looked at you deeply, because he understood. His hand was still on your arm, providing that comfort. Those grey blue eyes fleshing out his pain, it was for you.
You couldn’t stand it.
He helped you sit up with your approval.
Your legs and arms cried out of soreness. You sighed tiredly.
He spoon fed you, and for the first time in a while you stopped overthinking and just focused on him.
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“You reek.”
“I know.” Your voice was low and hoarse.
“Its been days since you’ve showered.”
You glared at him.
He stared at you back.
“I'm going to run a bath, you are going to shower.” He got up and began walking with a hindrance from his leg. “Even if I have to drag you.” he muttered.
You watched his form disappear down the hall of your small cottage.
He was entirely right. You were letting your thoughts consume you. A small line of guilt clawed at you. You both were starkly different and alike at the same time.
Over the years you always admired Levi. At first, it was his sheer power and arrogance against anyone. He was strong, took down any titan like it was nothing. Even with his height, he took down anyone who dared to devalue him. That was what started it.
Then when you began working more closely with him as a cadet, you saw his subtle nurturing side. The way he argued with moody cadets about eating their full to remain healthy, the days off he would give to girls on their periods, even when his comrades were dying. You looked close at him, at how expressive he really was.
Even the 104th cadets knew how he wasn’t a man made out of steel that had it out for everyone.
He cared. More than he should. And it always cost Levi Ackerman.
That's when you began to seek him out. Speaking to him at first was a bit harsh. But he saw the way you grappled at your endeavors and how you fought hard. You were a fighter, just like him.
That admiration wasn’t romantic at first, but when it was it was so incredibly hard.
As you two began to get closer he realized fast. You liked him and he liked you too. Something he would push deep down.
Everyone always dies.
Kuchel, Isabel, Furlan, his comrades, Kenny…
He wasn’t going to become attached to you just for you to leave him so fast. It hurt like a bitch when he casted cold glances and bluntness towards you. He was shunning you out right when you felt like you made progress.
You were enamored with him and you couldn’t do that to yourself. You couldn’t do that to him, you respected him far too much.
So after a large argument, you left his squad and accepted Erwin's offer to have your own. Right before the retaking of Wall Maria.
Unfortunately it didn’t stop anything.
–
The damage was collateral, the debris spanned across everything that could be seen. It looked like the devil himself had cried all over the land with how much blood was across it.
It was an actual graveyard, the mist and the dark malevolent sky only helped develop it.
There were few survivors. One soldier had his ;eg stuck under a boulder and screamed like he wanted to tear his lungs out. It scratched at your ears.
You were with Erwin and his final order to advance onwards to the Beast Titan. The commander ordered you all to join his suicide mission.
You couldn’t breathe, every gasp wasn’t enough, you were running out of air!
You began clawing at your chest like your lungs needed more room to grow to engulf air.
The deep crimson was all you could see, it was straight out of a nightmare.
You could not fucking wake up from this, no matter how much you hit yourself.
The minced body parts were the cherry on the cake, those were all people with names and lives and hopes and dreams. Those were people you talked to and saw just moments ago.
It was utterly gruesome to see crushed bones and parts of meat you didn’t know who belonged to who.
The screaming and crying was coming out of your lungs now too..
“Why, why, why am I alive!?”
Someone was calling out your name, more like yelling it at this point.
You turned around slowly.
It was Levi.
It stared at you with utter disbelief on his face. His face and body were covered in steamy titan blood. His clothes and his cape we soiled with soot. He stood atop a titan after slicing them down.
He stared back at you, this was the first time you had seen him so concerned– rightfully so.
His hair was a little wild and his eyes. God his eyes!
His eyebrows were furrowed upwards with deep concern and his mouth was moving. What was he saying?
“You’re alive and I know it hurts, but you need to get up!” He was shouting at you to motivate you.
“Everyone’s dead.” You sobbed while you looked at him. You were crying like a kid.
“You’re strong. I can’t believe you fucking survived that.” His voice cracked, you were alive and safe. He thanked the universe for doing this one thing for him.
“You can do it, I need you to round up survivors and to meet me at the wall.”
You blinked away the tears that kept flowing. You couldn’t possibly keep going.
He said your name “I need you to.” His expression hurt and vulnerable. He looked ahead with his blades ready at the line of titans Zeke had left him.
Before he left he looked at your frail form once more.
He muttered a “Thank you” not because you were going to follow his order, but because you were alive.
He needed you alive.
–
“The baths ready.” He threw a towel over his shoulder and stood there like he was proud.
You only stared at him. As did he, you both were always engaging in a staring battle.
“I used to bathe Hange when they would get really stinky.”
He glanced back at you.
He sighed.
“What I'm trying to say is I can bathe you… Only if you want.” He rubbed at the back of his neck while he looked away. He was being awkward, it was cute.
“Okay.”
He only nodded at your response.
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Detangling was the absolute worst. Your hair was one huge matted mess, especially on your left side. Levi only took his time though, while you played with the water.
“Stop messing around brat, take the soap.” He handed it to you, you dropped it.
He took a break from battling your hair to wash your body. You took the comb and began internally cursing yourself for doing this.
“May I?” he asked you gently. You only wished to kiss him right now. His handsome face was right in range.
You nodded your head.
“I need a verbal response.”
“You may.”
This was nice. The baggage was temporarily forgotten as all you could think about was how Levi cleaned your body. It was soothing.
His hand stopped at your arm. He held it while he stared down at the water, letting his bangs fall over his eyes.
He muttered something softly.
You looked over at him, inches away from his face. You could see his clenched jaw, his eyelashes, and his frown.
“Talk to me.” he said again like a hushed whisper.
You began to break at his words.
“Levi…I can’t help myself.”
The words came out like broken pieces of a pot.
“Then let me.” He stared right into your eyes.
All those days you ignored him when he was trying to help you. It came crashing down.
“I’m…sorry.” you began to cry.
His expression was shocked. He felt guilty now that he made you cry.
“Don’t cry.” His wet hand reached out and thumbed your tears away. You leaned into his hand. The comfort from him was utterly soothing that it hushed you right away.
He wanted to kiss you.
He wanted you to know although it wasn’t okay right now and if it never would, he’d be there right at your side. Coaxing you to eat, stroking your hair, helping you get dressed, giving you his shoulder to cry on.
“Kiss me please.” You said brokenly, demanding it from him.
He looked down at your lips and at you. He leaned in and met your lips.
It was soft and gentle. His lips held yours before he leaned back and kissed your forehead.
You offered a small smile while you held his hand.
“You need to brush your teeth, too.”
As fast as it came it went, you glared at him in response.
The side of his mouth tilted upwards.
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ꨄ︎