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There are many times when you have to question what it is that you want in life. Not just immediate goals, but long term what you want. Growing up, I centered so much of what I wanted around just staying with the people who wanted me. My brother was the first. Even when I discovered my talent for magic, he wanted to be close to me. So I stayed with him for a bit. Though eventually, he went away.
In his place, I went out on my own adventure. I started going to a school for magic. I guess I was seen as odd there, but I liked it still. I could learn about all these great things and find the beauty in the world around me. I even made my first real friend there. An elf girl. One of the first to entertain my oddity and just let me be me. We spent so much time together. I wasn’t sure how to feel about her back then. I was only just discovering friendship after all. Though that period of my life ended as well when I reconnected with my brother. My first center. So I left with him. Set out for a new, fun life of adventure together.
This, of course, led us to the dungeon. It was fantastic. I could see wondrous things and actually use the things I had learned about in school. It was just us two for a while before more people joined us. Most importantly, my friend joined us. My two centers in life were in one place, and we could have an adventure together. I must admit that this was some of the happiest I’ve ever been. Even if people didn’t get along sometimes, I had a whole new family while exploring the dungeon. But dynamics change all the time and I soon had my first confrontation with this thing called love.
There was another human in our party, a man from the east. He had always acted a bit odd around me, but I had never thought much about it. We all act odd sometimes, me especially. But it seems he had a reason to act odd. He told me that he was in love with me and wished to marry. This was quite a surprise to me and I told him I needed time to think. Love, I had never really thought about it before. I assumed it was something that would come sooner or later, but I wasn’t sure how it was supposed to feel. I cared for the man, he was a member of our party after all. But did I care for him in that way? Did I care for anybody in that way?
I could only think of two people I loved most in the world, my brother and my elven friend. I knew in what way I cared for my brother, he was family and very important to me. But my elven friend, she was different. We weren’t family. And while we were of course friends, that didn’t feel like quite enough of a descriptor for how close we were. I thought about this for a long time. But before I could make any conclusions, I had a dark spot in time.
I remember being in a fight with the red dragon. We were all fighting. And my brother, he was in danger. My body reacted before I could think and then darkness. I don’t know how long that darkness lasted, but I woke up coughing and cold. I could hear some familiar voices, my brother, my friend, and our half-foot party member. Things were all a blur at first. Just a rush of cleaning me off and helping me recover from the shock of whatever had happened. Cleaning me off, that was interesting.
My friend had me take a bath with her. I had taken baths with her before during our time at school, but for some reason, my head was filled with reminders of what I had been thinking about before the darkness. My whole mind and body felt odd during this time. Like I was different, changed fundamentally. These oddities make this time a bit fuzzy for me. Though I remember a few things, like meeting a new dwarven friend who was a very good cook, hearing some tales of fantastical things the group had eaten, and the way my elven friend looked at me. How it was so similar to the looks I received from that eastern man. But the blur in my mind got even stronger very soon after.
Time passed fast for me after that. It wasn’t quite like the darkness, I could see things around me, but I couldn’t do anything about them, and it all sped by, like I was constantly feeling the pressure of a great weight on top of me and couldn’t react to what I perceived. I felt the pains of being transformed in new ways. My heart ached as I hurt my friends. I felt the dim echoes of loyalty to this small yet grand master I served. And I would keep hearing the cries of my brother and my friend as they trekked through the dungeon to find me. I felt most connected to it when I felt my friend become the new master. She was so strong, and it was for me. She had done all of this for me. She had sacrificed so much for me. Would just a friend do that for me?
The next time I started feeling my consciousness in real time, I felt the great weight on me had been reduced. Walking through the fields of my mind I found a delicious meal, and it tasted like freedom, like something I hadn’t truly known in a long time. I met a strange lion there, and he seemed to be the one who let me go free.
Upon waking, I was hugged in quick succession by my brother and my elven friend. They must’ve been by my side for a long time, for they seemed to be quite tired. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of my friend hugging me, though I wasn’t sure why. I thought it was a part of my new physiology at the time. Though my new body was certainly different, I admittedly find it to be quite cool. Who wouldn’t want to be part dragon? It even makes my magic stronger.
It’s been a bit of time now since I woke up. Things have changed drastically around me. For one, my brother is a king now, which makes me royalty too, I suppose. He’s had some issues with his appetite and he can’t get near monsters anymore, but he has actually been a great king. So many of the citizens are happy with his rule, and he seems happy with his life. I should also add that I turned down the eastern man’s proposal. While I appreciated that he saw me in that way, I couldn’t see him in the same way. He returned to the east, but we do still keep in contact. As for my elven friend, well, we’ve spent a lot of time together since I woke up.
She’s taken up a sort of advisor role in the kingdom and helps my brother with many things. However, she’s become accustomed to not taking care of herself. She used to always be so meticulous about grooming and self-care. At school, she would spend hours bathing and maintaining her hair, as well as putting it in very cute styles. Yet now she seems to have lost all of her desire to do so. So, in the absence of her desire, I’ve taken up the role of being her caretaker of sorts. I help to get her to bathe, and I take care of and style her hair. It’s lucky that I remember all of the different styles she used to do, otherwise I’d have no idea how to make her look good.
And with how much time I’ve spent focusing on her, I’ve noticed something different. It was hard to recognize the differences in the past. She was my only real friend for a long time. But now I have other friends; the half-foot, dwarf, and eastern man we traveled with, as well as the dwarven man who is a fantastic cook and the short-tempered cat girl. They are all people I can call friends. But she is different. She means more to me. I hadn’t known that it was something special because I had nothing to compare it to, but she is special to me.
I find myself noticing her more and more. The way she laughs, how she tucks a piece of hair behind her sharp yet rounded ear, how she lights up when I enter the room, how dramatic her reactions are to the different foods we try, the way she softly smiles at me, everything. And it is not just now, it has always been this way.
Looking back, I remember always noticing these things about her. I just didn’t know that I didn’t notice these things with anyone else. When we were in school, we would lay on the bed together just telling stories and giggling at whatever thing we fancied as funny at the time. We would sneak out and explore areas that nobody else would venture to. I would grab her hand and pull her through the fields behind me as she turned a bit pink. She would help me work through textbooks that looked like nonsensical nonsense to me. When I scraped my knee, I’d feel my heart skip a beat as she gave it a kiss to feel better, I would never let her use her terrible healing magic on me after all.
And later, when she followed me and found her way to the dungeon. I felt my aching heart be soothed by her appearance. So glad that the person I cared so much for was with me again. When the eastern man proposed to me, my first tiny little thought was wondering how she would react. If she would approve. If she would be disappointed. If I could bear to spend my life with someone other than her.
Then, when I was brought back to life for the first time. Sitting in the bath with her, letting her hold my hands and feel my skin, but hers had gotten so calloused. She had let herself become less perfect for my sake. Though she was always perfect to me. And, of course, I felt everything in my suppressed state, every cry of emotion. Every single moment where she risked herself for my sake. How could I call someone who cared so much, who I cared so much for, just a friend?
Every time I’ve done her hair recently, I’ve been letting my hands linger longer. At first, it was just the hair. Then I would brush her ears and the back of her neck. And as I grew more bold, she hasn’t uttered a single word of complaint as my hands traced the lines of her back. She has never pushed me away as I held her in hugs much longer than necessary. She pretends to be asleep as I whisper words of praise, even though the tips of her ears turn pink from it. She entertains my slow exploration of boundaries. She understands that I need to take things at my own pace, that I take longer to figure out my feelings than most people do.
I can’t pretend I don’t notice the ways she looks at me, like I’m worth more than the whole world. And I believe it, she probably would’ve actually made that trade. How she always listens to what I say without rushing me for more. How she admires my every curiosity and wonder for the world, unchanged from our younger years.
And even more, I notice the things she tries to keep to herself. The beautiful spells she crafts with her genius mind. The quiet songs she sings to remind her of her home. The excitement she brings for every new discovery. How hard it is for her to hold herself back.
She is very aware of the time she has compared to everybody else. She feels like every moment wasted is a moment of our lives that we can’t get back, that we don’t have the time to afford losing. Yet she holds herself back. She lets me figure out how I want to proceed on my own time. I don’t want to keep her waiting for forever. My moment of decision came during a momentous part of another person’s life.
Our half-foot friend was getting remarried, or renewing his vows at least. His wife and him had been separated for a while, but as he got a more stable job and dedicated himself to being more present in her and their kids’ lives, they reforged their connection and have decided to hold a new ceremony to honor that.
The ceremony was small, just close friends and family, but it was beautiful. Every person dressed up for it. My brother had his super cool cloak, and she was in a gorgeous gown that was apparently a gift from the people of the old kingdom. I had a rather low collar dress, I’ve taken to them for formal occasions so that I can show off my plumage. But the dress that really caught my eye was the wedding dress of the bride. It was a gorgeous silky white, and while it looked good on her, it brought an image into my mind.
My friend in a dress just like it. I’d love to see that someday. And I’d love for her to be dressed like that for me, while I wear a suit much like our half-foot friend. Then came the moment that fully broke through and made me realize my desires. They spoke their vows to each other and talked about love, connection, never wanting to be apart again. It was all so familiar to me. All so familiar to how I thought about her. I caught her looking at me from the corner of my eye, she must’ve been thinking the same.
It was not long after that, that I asked her to be mine. She accepted immediately, and I had to crack a smile at how different it was to the last time I was involved with a confession of love. What could I have expected? She had been by my side for so long, and I had been by hers. It was perhaps a bit silly that it took me so long but I realize that I love her. I love her so so much. It feels good to be able to say it and for her to reciprocate it right back at me. Our lives may not always be easy and we’ll certainly face more troubles in the future. But I know, without a doubt, that I can always say that she’s my Marcille.