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Embarrassing.
That about sums this whole thing up.
Felix was alone. Alone, but in a way where he had eyes on him all the time.
He hated it. He sees the fear in their eyes. And it’s not the fear of battle when you know your opponent is stronger than you; it is the way one’s eyes look while they lay on a sick kid.
But they aren’t, he wants to scream. I’m not sick. I’m fine. You just don’t trust me and you don’t believe me when I say that everything in perfectly fine—
“Felix?”
Right. Ashe had insisted on staying with him, no matter how many times Felix had told him he didn’t need to be babysat. Of course he was looking at Felix. “You still there?”
Right. Felix isn’t allowed to stay still for too long anymore, not even in his own damn room. People worry.
“Ashe, I’ve told you,” he says, harsher than he needs to be but not nearly as harsh as he feels. “I am fine.”
Ashe doesn’t say anything right away, but Felix knows what he’s thinking: that for that moment (and it was truly only a moment), Felix was not fine. Everyone was thinking it, and yet no one was brave enough to say it to his face.
“I mean it. It’s not anything to worry yourself about. It– happens.”
“You weren’t moving.” The voice that came from Ashe’s mouth was softer than Ashe himself was, and Felix almost felt bad. Almost. “You couldn’t even talk back to us when we were calling to you… We thought you were dead, Felix.”
“And I wasn’t. I was perfectly alright. I told you, it happens sometimes.” He does not want to talk about this, especially not with Ashe of all people. “I’m going to sleep. Get out.”
If Ashe went to argue with him, Felix had turned too quickly to notice. But eventually Ashe is heard shuffling his way out the door.
This whole ordeal was stupid. This had been happening for months now, the only difference this time was that people noticed. They noticed this time and now they will never stop noticing and they will notice when there is nothing.
None of this can be undone.