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The safehouse they had found was, by Carl's admittedly low standards, almost pleasant. No one was actively trying to kill them, the vent smelled of something other than death, and Princess Donut had somehow acquired a chaise longue that she was draped across like a Victorian duchess with a headache.
The message from Zev appeared in the chat queue between two sponsored segments for something called Slagbeast Energy: For When You're Being Digested.
[ZEV-COMMS]: Good evening, Your Highness. I wanted to check in re: the Fan Appreciation segment tomorrow. Perhaps something topical? Viewers in the Outer Reaches have responded well to Earth cultural content.
Donut's tail flicked. She was already composing her reply before Carl could say anything.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: ZEV. I am so glad you brought this up because I have been SEETHING.
[ZEV-COMMS]: I'm sorry to hear that. What has happened?
[PRINCESS DONUT]: I watched it, Zev. I watched the American Kath and Kim.
A pause. Then:
[ZEV-COMMS]: ...Ah.
"Donut," Carl said, from the corner where he was eating something grey and brick-like that the system had labelled Nutrition Loaf (Assorted). "What are you doing?"
"Expressing a measured and reasonable grievance."
[ZEV-COMMS]: Your Highness, I may have also watched it.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: AND?
[ZEV-COMMS]: I thought it was... a worthy adaptation. Molly Shannon brought significant warmth to the role.
The temperature in the safehouse did not literally drop. But Carl pulled his jacket slightly tighter.
"Oh no," he said.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: WARMTH. ZEV. WARMTH.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: Kath Day-Knight is not WARM. She is deluded. She is magnificent. She says "noice" and "kymee" and means it with her ENTIRE BODY. Molly Shannon is a lovely woman who is far too sweet for the character she was handed.
[ZEV-COMMS]: I think you may be applying too narrow a cultural lens. The American version was localized for a different audience. That is simply good production practice.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: Zev I say this with great love: you are WRONG.
[ZEV-COMMS]: With respect, Your Highness, the original is not objectively superior simply because it came first. The Office remake—
[PRINCESS DONUT]: DO NOT.
[ZEV-COMMS]: —was widely considered to have surpassed—
[PRINCESS DONUT]: I AM WARNING YOU.
Carl put down the Nutrition Loaf. This was worth his full attention.
[ZEV-COMMS]: I'm simply saying that localization of comedic content for new markets is a legitimate creative endeavor, and dismissing it wholesale because it differs from the source material is—
[PRINCESS DONUT]: Kim Craig is a woman who eats a Chiko Roll in the bath. Selma Blair is not. These are not the same woman. These are not even the same GENUS of woman.
[ZEV-COMMS]: I don't know what a Chiko Roll is.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: IT DOES NOT MATTER. The POINT is—
[ZEV-COMMS]: Your Highness, I feel I should mention that this conversation is being monitored for quality assurance, and also that approximately forty thousand viewers have somehow accessed this chat thread and are watching live.
A pause.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: ...How many?
[ZEV-COMMS]: Forty-two thousand, as of just now. The hashtag #KathandKimGate is trending on the Borant infosphere.
Carl looked at the ceiling. He had, in a past life, thought that the hardest part of the dungeon would be the monsters.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: Then they will hear the TRUTH.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: The American Kath and Kim lasted ONE season, Zev. ONE. Because you cannot take something that is specifically, beautifully, tragically Australian and put it in Florida and expect it to have a SOUL. Kath and Kim is about aspirational mediocrity. It is about being completely wrong about yourself and being HAPPY about it. You cannot import that. It requires a particular kind of sun-damaged spiritual confidence that is native to the outer suburbs of Melbourne and NOWHERE ELSE ON EARTH.
A longer pause.
[ZEV-COMMS]: ...I had not considered the geographical-psychological dimension.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: NOBODY EVER DOES.
[ZEV-COMMS]: The viewing numbers just hit sixty thousand.
Carl stood up. "Donut. We have actual problems. There's a necromancer three rooms over—"
"Carl," she said, without looking at him. "I’m dealing with something important right now."
[ZEV-COMMS]: For what it's worth, Your Highness, I will... revisit the original series.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: You will watch all four seasons and telemovie and you will report back to me.
[ZEV-COMMS]: That is eleven hours of content.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: It is an EDUCATION.
[ZEV-COMMS]: ...I will do it.
[PRINCESS DONUT]: I knew you were a woman of sense, Zev. I forgive you. Oh, if you want to see Selma Blair do something truly outstanding, watch her in Web Therapy. She’s a revelation.
[ZEV-COMMS]: Thank you, Your Highness. For the record, the live audience has left a 94% positive rating on this exchange. Several are describing it as "the most culturally significant moment of the crawl."
[PRINCESS DONUT]: AS IT SHOULD BE.
Carl picked the Nutrition Loaf back up. The necromancer would wait. Some battles, he was learning, weren't his to fight.
From across the room, Donut finally looked at him. Her tail was curled smugly around her paws.
"You've never seen Kath and Kim, have you, Carl."
"I've been a little busy surviving an alien death dungeon."
"That," she said, settling her chin onto her paws with great dignity, "is the saddest thing you have ever said to me."
[ZEV-COMMS has pinned this conversation. See: Cultural Highlights, Season Archive, Vol. 7]