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For a long time, I couldn't bring myself to write about these events, because at the time they were only just beginning to unfold, and I didn't know how to react. Everything that happened was so strange that sometimes I wonder: was it all just a dream? Perhaps it really is just a long dream, and I'll wake up soon?
It all began on an ordinary, nothing-special Tuesday… Or Wednesday, or perhaps Friday. It doesn’t really matter. The Führer, as usual, popped into my office on some important business and, well… quite casually, for the first time, called me by my childhood nickname, «Jupp». At first, I didn’t even realise he was addressing me that way… I was bewildered and very surprised or rather, stunned.
«How… How did he find out?» I wondered, looking at him, but Hitler just continued talking about something, completely oblivious to my puzzled face.
Time passed, and, apparently feeling a sense of licence, Adolf continued to call me that. At first, I tried simply to ignore it, but with each passing day it became harder and harder. I became more irritable.
«I’m not some damn kid to be addressed like that!» I often thought. To some extent, it was quite a blow to my pride. But as time went on, my opinion changed. I stopped reacting so sharply to these "little mischiefs". And, in the end, I was able to accept it. Somewhere deep down, I even liked it…
In general, this strange "childishness" (that’s exactly what I called this baffling behaviour) that Hitler began to show more and more often. He tried more often to put his arm around my shoulders and touch me. When he was telling me something (it didn’t matter what, whether it was work or everyday matters) the Führer would place his hands on my shoulders, standing behind me at that moment. I didn’t know how to react. On the one hand, it was strange, and to some extent inappropriate, but I felt quite comfortable, so I decided not to cause a panic for the time being.
As for nicknames… Naturally, Adolf continued to call me whatever he liked, but not Josef. Jupp, Paul, Doctor, Doc, my favourite minister, and so on… Well, he has a vivid imagination. And to be completely honest, I was grateful that he, at least, used and continues to use them only when we’re alone together.
I quickly got used to his excessive physicality towards me. So, on one ordinary day, when Hitler was once again telling me something enthusiastically, I was sitting between his legs on the sofa as usual, sorting through documents, leaning my back against his body. His hands were on my shoulders at that moment.
«You see, Jupp…» There he goes again.
He takes too many liberties…
But at the same time, when I wanted to address him more informally…
«Adi, I…» It was completely accidental. I didn’t realise it myself straight away. His hand, resting on my shoulder, clenched the fabric of my jacket tightly. I swallowed nervously.
«M-my Führer, w-what…»
«Never. Never call me that again.» I nodded nervously, clenching the papers in my hands.
«B-but why not…» The hand on my shoulder tightened. I already regretted having opened my mouth at all.
«Do you understand, Josef?» I had no choice but to nod nervously again, closing my eyes.
«Yes, of course, my Führer…» After a couple of seconds, the grip loosened. Hitler smirked, but did nothing more. One hand stayed on my shoulder, whilst the other moved to my waist.
I don’t know why Adolf never let me do this… But most likely it’s just his own personal hang-ups.
And again, he’s allowed far too much, far more than I am…
«Right, let’s get back to where I left off.» And once again, my mind felt so calm… The conversation flowed at its usual pace, and whilst Hitler spoke, I didn’t utter a word, but simply listened attentively and gazed into those beautiful sky-blue eyes.
But to be honest, I don’t mind.
I’m ready to continue being his silent and obedient…
Little boy named Jupp.
I never thought or imagined that I would ever kiss a man. Never. Not even in my strangest and most terrifying nightmares did I think of such a possibility. But on one truly awful autumn evening, I went against my own principles.
I’d been irritable since the morning. Lately, I hadn’t been able to get a proper night’s sleep. And the rain, which hadn’t stopped since morning, wasn’t helping matters.
Sleepy and irritable, I struggled to listen to and try to understand the Führer’s speech. But, alas, my brain was too tired to grasp anything, so I simply stared silently at Hitler, smiling slightly. Adolf’s mere appearance was enough to brighten my mood. Judging by my behaviour in the past, I can say with certainty that I was behaving like a young, lovesick Fräulein, except that I wasn’t sending Hitler anonymous love letters. It’s actually surprising that nobody noticed there was something wrong with me. Adolf walked over to the window at that moment, gazing out at the city. Biting my lip, I exhaled and walked over to him. It’s now or never…
«Excuse me, my Führer…» At that moment, my brain was screaming at me not to do what I’d been planning for so long.
«Yes, Jupp?» Hitler leaned down slightly, given my short height. I closed my eyes and, moving quickly towards his face, gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. At that moment, I was ready for anything. For shouting, for abuse, for anything at all! I didn’t even understand how I’d managed to bring myself to do it. Taking a step back, I lowered my head, closing my eyes. Those seconds felt like an eternity to me… I was extremely tense…
Warm hands touched my cheeks. I still couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes. Dry lips kissed my cheek briefly. Goodness, my heart felt as though it was about to leap out of my chest.
«M-my Führer…»
«Be quiet…» The next time, we kissed on the lips.
I found these notes a few months later. And now I’m sitting here rereading them, smiling foolishly. Adolf has invited me to stay the night at his place today. Eva seems to have gone away for a while, and I’ll tell my wife I have to go away on work. I hope she never finds out my secret… Still, just to be on the safe side, I’ll burn these notes in the fireplace.