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As the first rays of the sun peeked through the clouds, clashing sounds of metal rang across the courtyard before the morning dew could even fall. Huo Linglong watched from the sideline as the disciples of Linglong Manor swung their swords in familiar motions, Yin Yang An a comfortable weight against her chest as she carefully monitored their training.
The first year since taking the mantle of being the Head of the family was…certainly an experience. It truly opened her eyes to how much her father and brother had shielded her from all these years.
She visited them whenever time allowed her, the guards of the prison in Dongjing already familiar with her presence by now. Her father would pat her hand and assure her that they treat them well thanks to Zhan-daren, while her brother would ask her about the ongoings of the Manor from behind the bars, cheekbones hollowed yet eyes bright.
The questions lodged in the back of her throat as she watched their disheveled state, forcing a happy smile in the face of their questioning gaze.
“Some people are giving me trouble but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Zhan-dage and Bai-dage are with me after all. You don’t have to worry about a thing.”
As she gently steered her steed to return to her manor, an undeniable regret slowly festered within her: Had she paid closer attention to what they did all these years instead of harassing her fellow disciples for training every day, maybe she wouldn't have struggled as much now…
But alas, what's come to pass had passed, and she internally sighed in relief that at least for now, her status as the Headmaster of Linglong Manor would not be challenged so easily by the other Sects.
These past 3 years, she had the Tang Sect to thank for the most, Xiao Tang never shy in endorsing her and speaking up for her in front of the other elders, loudly declaring her a worthy heir to Linglong Manor to stand next to them the first time they questioned her legitimacy.
Even Jiao Siyuan, now officially the Headmaster of Shengyun Manor, quietly stayed out of the political maneuvers the other sects subjected Linglong Manor to. To others it might not seem like much, but considering their past…it was honestly more than she could hope for.
“A test”, they had called it…she scoffed. What a joke. She could practically smell the prejudice and disapproval against her from miles away, her youth alone a glaring issue in the eyes of those old fogeys, not to mention her status as a woman.
How embarrassing it was to feel so challenged over a young lady in power.
“Headmaster!”
One of her disciples suddenly called out, running quickly towards her with a piece of parchment in hand. Linglong turned to him and nodded, urging him to talk.
“Another letter from the Yinyu Sect arrived…”
Linglong frowned as she accepted the letter. Another one? Already?
“Thank you. Take a moment to breathe before joining the others,” she said simply, already turning to leave.
“Ah- his attendant also brought a b-big crate filled with gifts…he said he‘s n-not leaving until he sees you accept them yourself…” he stammered, unable to look her in the eyes.
Huo Linglong suddenly stopped, her back stiff and taut. Behind her, some disciples shared uneasy glances: They’ve been in Linglong Manor long enough to be familiar with their Eldest Lady’s fiery temper and stubbornness. If this kept going…
But to everyone’s surprise, their Headmaster simply turned back towards the poor, shaking disciple, face cool and impassive.
“Tell him I‘m too busy to entertain him and to leave the premises with all his belongings before he’s forced to.”
A shiver of unrepressed fear collectively went through every single disciple standing before her. What they heard was:
“Tell him to get lost with his gifts, or else I’ll make sure he won’t be able to leave the Manor with his limbs intact.”
“Y-yes, Headmaster! Right away!”
A small, tired smile graced Linglong’s face. “Thank you for the trouble.”
And with that she swiftly left them to their own devices, turning a deaf ear to the murmurs of sympathy spreading among her disciples.
~0~
Inside the privacy of her reading room, she crushed the cup in her hands and quietly yet viciously threw the letter across the room, letting it clatter and unravel on the floor.
She took a deep, long breath before collapsing with a low, miserable groan onto her chair.
Who would have thought that being a single, unmarried woman would bring so much trouble to her doorsteps? Even after everything she’d done to become a reputable head of the family…what more could they possibly want from her?
It made her wonder…had she not already been engaged to Shao Jizu since she was of age, would this have happened to her much earlier as well? Would her father and Great Aunt be helping her fend off suitors after suitors?
In a sense, she should be thanking the arrangement by the Prince of Xiangyang for staving off all these other men seeking her hand in marriage all these years…
She scrunched her nose, shaking her head in disbelief. That did not just cross her mind.
“What are you making that face for?”
Linglong turned to the intruder suddenly perched on the open window next to her, casually playing with the rocks in his hands.
“Bai-dage,” she sighed, having long heard him coming. Her reading room had long been established to always be open to both of them, so it was not uncommon for her to leave the windows wide open at all times, except for when it snows heavily. “Is this your doing?”
“You wound me, Huo Xiaomei,” the rat tutted, sliding into the chair across hers. “Would your Bai-dage really subject you to this sort of torture for fun? Even I have principles when I prank someone close and dear to me.”
Linglong narrowed her eyes at the man blinking innocently in front of her for a beat longer before sighing again.
“You’re right. Even you wouldn’t be this cruel.”
Bai Yutang calmly flipped two fully intact cups on the tray before filling it nearly to the brim, carefully placing it in front of her with a nod.
“Go on.”
And so she did.
Under normal circumstances, Linglong would think twice before talking about this with a man, but the only other woman who she can freely unload this to still roamed the jianghu even after finding a cure for her brother, only stopping by once every blue moon to catch up with her and update her on Huo Xiaodi’s well-being.
And besides, Bai Yutang was Bai Yutang—he simply stayed quiet until her tea grew cold and stale, humming periodically in the lull of her grievances.
“The only thing I can offer you is to beat up all those officials myself,” he finally piped up after pouring her a new cup of tea, its warmth a comfort in her cold hands. The chilly air brought with it the first notes of fall, yet not cold enough to justify lighting a brazier.
“But considering how you’ve yet to do that yourself,” he then sighed, long and deliberate. “I doubt you’d want me to either, even if I left no trace.”
Linglong looked down at her steaming cup of tea, brows furrowed.
“Actually…” She snapped her head up. “Could you try finding the source of that list?”
“You mean...” he raised both eyebrows. “The list of ‘the most desirable women to marry in the jianghu’?”
She nodded, a plan quickly forming behind her sharp eyes. “If I could trace it to its origin, maybe I could destroy it at the source…and these men will take the hint and leave me be. Take myself off the public eye at the very least.”
To her surprise, Bai Yutang did not enthusiastically agree to do it right away. The man looked at her pensively before saying:
“You do realize that might be wishful thinking, right? Men like them…they’d do everything in their power to flaunt their ego until they get what they want. A mere erasure of a list isn’t going to stop them at all.”
Linglong slumped down in defeat, yet deep down she knew his words to be true. Still…what other choice did she have short of rejecting them each time? And what if…
“Huo Xiaomei…” said Bai Yutang all of a sudden, uncharacteristically hesitant. “Have you…really never thought about your future marriage after Shao Jizu?”
“…”
“…”
A rare sense of awkwardness filled the air between them, one she found utterly unacceptable. But it was impossible to miss the real question he was posing, the actual root of this whole mess that could have been prevented had things been simpler.
And so, with a courage plucked from years of nurturing by the people around her, courage she built from the ground up with her own two scarred hands, she forced her mouth to speak the words stuck behind her throat into existence, voicing the thoughts she’d kept locked in her heart all these years.
“All I knew back then was that I refuse to marry a man like Shao Jizu under any circumstances,” she said quietly, gaze still locked on her own now-shaking hands. She clenched them tightly against one another, willing herself to stay strong. “And if I were to marry someone…I would choose to be with someone like…like…”
The name teetered on the edge of her tongue, but for reasons she could not acknowledge aloud, it felt glued in place, simply refusing to leave her dry lips.
“…I know.”
She slowly raised her head, eyes wide as she carefully watched the man in front of her whose lips curled in a gentle smile, eyes full of understanding and quiet acceptance, as if he knew this moment was coming the entire time.
Her chest ached with how fast her heart was beating, the warmth of the cup doing nothing to stave off the plunging coldness she felt herself suddenly pushed into.
No.
No, no, no. This was not how she wanted this to go.
These past few years, she had been more than content with the way things were. Amidst the chaos of jianghu politics and the upheaval of the late prince‘s branches across the land, Zhan Zhao would reach out to her in between cases as promised, asking for her insight and assistance, with Bai Yutang dropping by every so often to keep her updated on the ongoings of the jianghu and assist Zhan Zhao on his cases.
(That brocade-robed rat, having been pronounced dead to the world years ago, now had more freedom than both her and Zhan Zhao combined, and he wasted no effort in rubbing it in their faces.)
The three of them would meet up semi-regularly, at first often enough that she would even see them every few weeks if their workload allowed them. But lately, Zhan Zhao would come up with more elaborate excuses before smiling apologetically, dodging her at every turn like the slippery cat that he was and she would see them less and less, the windows between their gathering spanning over months and growing further and further apart.
Had she not cornered Bai Yutang herself over two months ago (after successfully baiting him here with a cry for help), she would never have found out about the rumors that had already started circulating around.
“You know how Zhan Zhao is. He just didn’t want you to worry,” placated the man as though he didn’t already know how useless it was. “You already have a lot on your plate, Huo Xiaomei, and we both know you wouldn’t care about it as much as you should. I was going to tell you but…he argued that the quickest way to absolve the rumors was to lessen your contact with us and—”
She felt something broke inside her as she croaked: “And you both agreed just like that? Before even talking with me?”
“…” The man had at least the audacity to look ashamed.
Linglong had half a mind to storm Kaifeng Prefecture and demand Zhan-daren’s audience right then and there, but instead she simply brewed tea and motioned for Bai Yutang to sit, content to exact her revenge by making him feel as uncomfortable as possible for the rest of his visit.
Bai Yutang too started coming over less and less since then, even after she reassured him profusely that Linglong Manor would always be open to either of them, that none of her disciples and her people would do anything to harm her or the Manor’s reputation.
Her attempts to reach Zhan Zhao were also met with a massive roadblock. She cursed. Who knew the Imperial Cat could be near impossible to find when he wanted to be? He was out on a covert mission, they said. But he still updated them regularly so there was no need to worry and they couldn’t tell her where he was for fear of exposure.
Her mouth pressed into a thin line. What a load of bull.
Still, Wang Chao and Ma Han both gave her apologetic looks before sending her on her way.
In the next few weeks, she kept going back and forth on whether she should keep on trying to reach him when the first proposal arrived. And then the next, and the next. It kept on coming, so much so that she had to issue a warning that should anyone continue to send her any, she would challenge them to a fight to first blood, no holds barred.
“My Lady,” an old maid of her family gently reproached her. “Maybe you shouldn’t be too hasty in refusing them. You’re at the ripe age to start a family anyway…and what if it makes things worse for your family?”
What if. What if, what if, what if…
So many things hinging on “What If”s. Her friends leaving her in the dark in fear of these “What If”s, leaving her to inevitably fend for herself in the face of these vultures.
All they wanted was the last of her family’s prestige and fame, to be known as the one conquering their century-old sect. With the Linglong Eye destroyed in front of everyone’s eyes, both awestruck and horrified, there truly was no other leverage her family could offer except their status and her unwed hand.
And now, after weeks of no contact, suddenly one of her dearest friends was at her door, right at the peak of all this madness—
Huo Linglong felt another bucket of ice was dumped on her head as realization kicked in, her mind running as fast as a rabbit escaping death’s jaw.
“…Bai-dage,” her voice trembled. “Why exactly did you come today?”
He wouldn’t meet her eyes, sliding his chair back before walking towards the window. The already humid air stifled the space between them, the scent of earth the strongest right before it pours. She truly, sincerely hoped it would rain right now.
“I’m a dead man anyway, with no rank nor title to my name,” he said, voice carefully neutral as he looked out the courtyard. “If people saw us together, it would only make matters worse for you. Besides…Zhan Zhao, that rascal, has been avoiding me too, so I was going to just leave you both a note, but…I couldn’t bear to go without saying goodbye. It wouldn’t be right.”
Linglong rose so fast her chair clattered with a loud THWACK as it fell onto the floor. She rounded the corner to grab his arm, wide eyes desperately trying to search his face.
“The fact that you’re still here means you don’t actually want that, right?” She shook him. “Tell me, Bai-dage. Look at me, please.”
Bai Yutang slowly turned towards her, his own eyes red and puffy. That was all the answer she needed.
“What a mess we are,” Linglong couldn’t help but laugh wetly, tears pooling in her eyes. “We’re all too stubborn and selfish to let go, but also so desperate to spare each other the pain.”
The three of them who always had no problem talking about everything under the sun, never letting the other in the dark no matter how unsavory the truth was…suddenly were left with no wit nor words when it came to the delicacies of relationships. It was as if their mouths were cursed to silence, and no one knew how to break it.
As the two of them stood there, the slow pattering of rain quickly making way for a downpour, she desperately wished Zhan Zhao was here. He would know what to say—he always did.
But…it was a good thing he wasn’t.
Because that man, with his calm, eloquent words and patient smile, would be able to sway them as easily as a fiddle if they weren’t careful. He truly was a master at work.
And she needed to get through Bai Yutang’s thick skull first before they could join forces against their biggest, most glaring obstacle.
With a rare burst of pure fury, she forcibly pulled Bai Yutang away from the windowsill, the man simply letting her drag him over to sit down before caging him between her arms. There was no way he was leaving her sight.
(If Zhan Zhao was here, his lips would have quirked up in that fond way of his as he watched them: “The great Brocade Rat…so powerless in the face of Miss Huo’s fury.”)
“Had you run away without a word,” she said quietly, her voice cold and sharp as the blade she wielded. “We would have spent the rest of our lives running after you, Bai-dage. You know this.”
A strange mixture of grief and frustration exploded across his face at her words, but still he refused to say a word. Even years later, this cheeky rat could still be so damn stubborn.
That burst of anger suddenly left her like a kite whose strings were cut, and her voice softened, raw edges piercing through any heart soft enough to bleed:
“Isn’t that why you changed your mind at the last second? Because you couldn’t bear to make us choose either way?”
“…”
The man lowered his gaze. Silently, he murmured: “…I’m sorry.”
Huo Linglong wanted to laugh and cry: Her two beloved zhiji truly were so predictable at times.
She thought of the political ramifications of a marriage between a leader of a nearly-condemned sect and an imperial guard of the Emperor with their close ties to Prince Hui; she thought of Bai Yutang who was willing to disappear from their lives just to spare them the agony of choosing; she thought of Xiao Tang who, in another life, would have asked for her hand and she might have said “Yes”; she thought of her father and brother in prison, her great aunt in house arrest miles away from home, her disciples all relying on her for protection, their hands both holding her up and chaining her down to her fate.
She thought of the three of them, who found each other by chance and chose to stay over and over again; she thought of Zhan Zhao’s soft, happy smile as they sat shoulder to shoulder and spoke of the future full of hope, her heart skipping a beat whenever their hands grazed each other; she thought of Bai Yutang’s eyes creasing in gentle curves as they talked and laughed through the night, spilling their hearts out like they’ve known each other forever; she thought of the way Zhan Zhao’s eyes would linger on Bai Yutang’s lips in quiet moments, his hand resting comfortably on his thigh as they talked; the way Bai Yutang held Yanling like a prized possession, never letting it leave his side despite his clear discomfort at not having his fists free at all times.
She thought of the paralyzing fear rooted deep in her heart at the thought of losing either one of them, of any of them losing each other, the inevitable change should one of them take a step forward that would either make or break everything they had between them…
Huo Linglong took a deep breath and steeled her heart.
She grasped Bai Yutang’s hands and went down on one knee, ignoring the alarmed yet profoundly confused look on the man’s face.
“Huo Xiaomei! What are y–”
“Bai-dage,” interrupted her curtly.
Zhan Zhao was too careful and selfless to ask for both of them, as though he was undeserving of both their love, and Bai Yutang too soft-hearted to fight for them both—so she would do it. She would spit in the face of propriety and keep them both close, no matter how much those two would object.
So many things had she conceded to get to where she was now. Her family’s reputation to rid the world of those monsters; her freedom in the jianghu for the price of her family and her people’s safety; her dignity to appease those power-hungry, decrepit old men very much undeserving of her time and effort to prove her worth. Over and over she acquiesced a part of herself to fit in this society who rejected her time and time again.
How could she bear to let go of the one thing that gave her life meaning beyond her duties? The one thing that brought her peace and love so all-encompassing she felt she could live off of it forever?
She smiled. They would figure it out, she was sure of it. As long as they had each other’s backs, anything was possible—they proved it time and time again after all. But first…
“…Would you accept my proposal to bother Zhan-dage until he accepts us both?”
She had to convince these two silly, overprotective men first.