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It was beyond me how I could possibly be so lucky. Yoosungs fingers carefully ran through my hair, lathering the shampoo, leaving no space untended. He’d occasionally scratch my scalp or rub my neck for a few moments before returning to scrubbing in silence.
I had done the same for him just before, and was surprised that the water was still as warm as it was. I relished in the moment; the warm water we both sat in, listening to the suds by my ears, and his steady breathing behind me.
A playlist of ambient instrumental tracks played softly to set a calm mood. It was matched by the lavender scented candles we had lit around the small wash room to encouraging rest and relieve stress.
Tearing me back from my thought maze, he suddenly swished his hands in the water. The tips of his fingers grazed my thigh by accident, but neither of us said anything of it.
“Sit up for me, please.” His voice was soft and sounded somewhat sad. I adjusted myself slightly to sit upright. He reached over the tub wall to get a large cup that we would use to rinse each other off.
“You should cover your face, just in case.” I loved these nights, as they were rare. We both aren’t terribly busy, but we never seemed to be free at the same time, so when we did, we made good use of it. But tonight felt different. Despite the wonderful night, I didn’t feel like smiling anymore when this thought and feeling made itself known to me.
Water rushed down my hair and body as he rinsed the soap away, being thorough, but careful. I wanted to say something, anything, but I felt that if I cut the silence, it would sour the whole night.
“Okay, I think that’s it. Should we condition it too?” Uncovering my face, I nodded and handed him the conditioner from the other side of the tub. Under the water, my hands rested on his legs which I sat between. We were an intimate couple; connected in mind, heart and soul. Though it was a long hard road to get across, we were no longer awkward or shy when around each other, even when nude or vulnerable.
He finished applying then rubbing in the conditioner, and sighed softly, rinsing his hands in the water again. I took his hands in mine and kissed the top of his wet left hand, hearing a pleased hum from him. For a moment or so, I let my mouth stay open, about to speak, but nothing came out.
“What's wrong sweetheart? You’ve been quiet all night, and now you're stiff.” After being together for 2 years now it didn’t shock me that he would notice these things so quickly.
“Its nothing, just lost in thought I guess. I'm concerned about you actually.” It wasn’t until I got talking that I realised that the night would be good anyway. It was worth the risk, to comfort my love, if need be.
“Me? Why? I’m fine.” He didn’t convince me. The tone of voice he held was somber, and deflective.
“You haven’t really logged into the messenger at all this week. Zen is getting worried, and so am I. Haven’t you been reading the chat rooms? Or letting them know you're okay? Jaehee even called me this morning to ask about your wellbeing. I can't keep giving them empty answers, Yoosung.” I let my thoughts flow out of my mouth without a filter, gripping his fingers, staring at the water blankly as it rippled.
He was silent for a moment, his breathing still, but to my relief, he let out a dull chuckle, as his forehead fell onto my shoulder. I leaned into him and took a deep breath before I whispered.
“Talk to me, please. Is there anything I can do to help you suffer a bit less, at the least?” He needed to know that I wasn’t upset with him. After the years, I learned that wasn’t a good way to help him open up or heal. Neither was coddling. I just needed to care, and remind him that I do, because in the end, that’s all he really needs.
“Is it alright if I talk about it after our bath? I just want to enjoy this time with you, for now.” My heart twitched slightly at the sound in his voice, but I smiled anyway and kissed his head as my answer. Again, we were quiet, and then rinsed the conditioner,and doubled checked ourselves to wash before stepping out and draining the water.
He wrapped a fluffy and freshly cleaned towel around me and riffled my hair before fetching a towel for himself. I could not possibly overstate how much I adored these nights together, even if I tried to. Next, we would sit together in bed, cozy and warm, and talk instead of the gaming we had planned to do before.
Once the wash room was all cleaned up, we changed into pajamas and made ourselves comfortable in bed, facing each other. Looking into his lilac tinted eyes brought me comfort that I couldn’t hold back a smile. However, they held a foggy sense to them; his messy and still slightly damp hair covering his injured eye, the other looked drowsy and conflicted.
He held onto my hand under the covers, rubbing his thumb gently over my knuckles. Neither of us seemed to be in the mood to actually talk about anything heavy, or anything at all really. We didn’t have to state so, and I understood his hesitation to open up when something weighed heavily on him. I wanted him to have his privacy, and had no intentions of prying. Trusting him, my eyes flutter shut and my body relaxes as if to rest.
“Things won't stay like this, will they.” He wasn’t asking me to comfort him, to remind him of my love. He knew. Whatever this was, has been on his mind.
“Stay like what? Do you mean with school, or us?” I left my eyes closed and felt my words mumble, but held his hand in mine a bit tighter.
“Everything. I'm so close to graduating, to finally getting my license and being able to help so many people and creatures. It feels like things are changing, and i'm okay with that it's just a really imposing feeling ya know? I keep getting reminded of how things go by so fast, with or without me. I'm gonna try to be strong, of course, but…”
“”Yoosung, you know i'm proud of you, yeah?” I interjected as his train of thought stopped. I’d opened my eyes as he was opening up, to see him staring blankly to the bed sheet
“Uh-yeah.” he still blushes so easily, but was more confused than flattered. In all honesty, I didn’t even know what I was going to say.
“You’ve worked so hard for this, and you're doing so well, your scores are high and you have so much passion. Can you tell what's bothering you? Is it the coming change, or just the future in general? It took him at least a minute to respond.
“I'm not completely sure yet. It feels natural to be worried, but it's been holding me back. From the chatroom, and my exams, and from you. So many people say bad things about graduate life, and its gets into my head. I don’t want to risk losing what stability I have right now. I need constants, and things to depend on, or else I… I feel really lost.
“Did you enjoy tonight?” Please don’t say the wrong thing.
“Yeah. It was amazing, I wish we did this more often. It just got me thinking about how we might n-“ None of those thoughts now.
“Then we need to plan for more of these nights, we can change it up too. Regular date night, okay?” I've never been great with being an advisor, but me and him… we keep each other above water, at the least.
He didn’t look me in the eyes, but he had a soft smile as he nodded, and pulled out hands from under the covers, to kiss the top of my knuckles.
“Thank you for staying.”
“Oh sweetie believe me, I wouldn't leave you for the world.” Not like this. Not in this timeline.