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It was late. Well, late for a man in his seventies. But Robert couldn’t sleep. He was too busy lying in bed next to the love of his life, his husband Sol. He just couldn’t stop looking at him, safe at peace beside him.
He knew how much pain and stress he must have been going through these past few weeks. First being by his side at the hospital, now at home taking care of him 24/7. Not even allowing him to eat string cheese because somehow one piece could give him another heart attack. Insisting he use weird mechanical chair Brianna got him. Checking his blood pressure more times than he can count on his fingers. But he knew he was this high-strung over all this because he cared. It was as annoying as it was endearing to have someone care for you that much.
Robert just lay there watching Sol breathe in and out, his nose scrunched and his face in a small, peaceful grin. He felt so lucky. After years of hiding, Sol was finally, legally his. And his time in the hospital was an all-too real reminder of how precious their remaining years were. He needed to make the best of them.
He wanted to do something special, something to kick-start their new, matrimonial life together. The thought kept him up for hours as he watched Sol and tried to think of something.
Well, Sol was Jewish. He could celebrate Shabbat every week with Sol. That could be a new tradition. But the first had to be worth remembering. What could he do? Cook a nice dinner, learn the prayers…
Then he thought of it.
The London suit.
Would Sol even remember what the London suit was? Sure he would, he had to. A lot of things happened on that London trip. Many tiny but trivial memories were made. But the London suit stands out.
It’s the suit Robert wore when he first told Sol he loved him.
It was 1996. Sol and Robert had been sleeping together – in secret, of course— for a few months now. Nothing to make a big deal about. Their affair so far only consisted of sharing each others company in their hotel rooms on business trips. One could chalk it up to avoiding loneliness while away from home. They’d only just recently started staying in the others’ bed afterwards.
But Robert knew that what he had with Sol was different. He’d never felt this way about anyone before. Not with Grace, not with the other men he’d experimented with. It wasn’t just that he’d known Sol for years before this, that they were close friends and business partners before taking the leap to lovers. He felt a connection to Sol that predated any known time. Robert sensed that this was who he was supposed to spend his life with.
It was difficult to just spring all of this onto someone, even someone with whom you’ve shared a bed for countless nights now.
Now seemed like the perfect opportunity, thought. They were currently on a business trip in the heart of London. Robert had an old friend from law school who needed help with a case and he brought Sol along since they were partners. Well, law partners, to his knowledge at least. Robert made sure to schedule the trip for longer than necessary so that he and Sol could spend some time alone together. His excuse was to “see the sights,” and he was sure they’d do plenty of that but he had some more ulterior ideas in mind as well.
They spent two full days in their hotel room fucking like newlyweds. It was a mix of the rush of being in the heart of London and also having this much free time to spend together. “Let’s never leave this room,” Sol whispered into Robert’s ear as they drifted to sleep in each other’s arms. If they never left that hotel room, then the illusion that this was a real relationship rather than an affair wouldn’t be shattered.
But eventually, they did have to leave the room. Firstly because they were tired. As turned on as they were by each other, two men in their fifties can only have so much stamina.
“I think we need another day in bed just to sleep in recover,” Sol sighed, exhausted.
Robert nodded. “You’re right. But tomorrow! We should probably actually do some sight-seeing since that was the excuse for our extended trip. Our families will want pictures.
“And we can eat food that isn’t room service!”
“Hey, I worked hard for those meals…I had to dial the number and everything.”
“Yeah and you can never leave me alone for that long again.”
“Deal.”
The second reason was more than just sight-seeing. It was mid-December, which meant holiday season galore. The good people of London spared no expense to make sure every inch of the place was decorated in a festive manner.
Robert was never big on Christmas. Sure, he went to mass like a good Catholic every year. He showered Grace and the girls with plenty of expensive gifts. He did his patriarchal duty of carving the turkey. But he never understood the giddiness that most people felt from Christmas.
But Sol, he loved it. For a lifelong devout Jewish boy, Sol absolutely loved Christmastime. Even though he and his family wholly celebrated Chanukah ever year, he insisted on putting up a Christmas tree and stuffing it with ornaments. The entire home was filled with garlands and stockings, the windows plastered with spray-on snow to create the illusion that sunny San Diego could have a white Christmas. He counted down the days til KOST 103.5 would start playing Christmas music (they used to start the day after Thanksgiving but would start earlier and earlier as the years went on.) It didn’t matter that the poor guy couldn’t carry a tune to save his life, and Robert actually loved listening if not for the pure joy it brought Sol to sing. Most of his favorite movies that he could name off the top of his head happened to be Christmas movies, his #1 being Billy Wilder’s The Apartment. “I just love the idea of two people finding love in the oddest of places,” he claimed. Robert wondered if it had anything to do with the film containing office romances and illicit affairs, not that he would know anything about that.
So they were in London during Christmastime. Robert knew what that would mean to Sol. He knew that the city was as, if not more, dedicated to the holiday than Sol was. So he wanted to make sure that their sight-seeing involved some stops filled with grand decorations and holiday cheer galore. He also hoped that this would mean Sol would finally get to experience a white Christmas, but so far there had been no snowfall in London.
First they had to get the regular London stops out of the way. It would be a crime if two attorneys visiting London didn’t go to see Parliament, so that was their first venture. Then it was off to Big Ben to take a picture for Coyote, since Peter Pan was his favorite movie as a kid. They went to Hyde Park for the same reason. Robert wanted to go on the London Eye but ended up wishing he hadn’t suggested it, since Sol was terrified the entire time. “Just don’t look down,” Robert insisted as Sol squeezed his hand red.
“But what if I don’t look down and then we fall and I won’t even know we’re falling!”
“How would you not feel yourself falling?”
“So we ARE going to fall!” He spent the rest of the ride hiding his face in Robert’s shoulder.
As if that wasn’t enough excitement for one day, Sol suggested ice skating. It was nighttime by the time they got there, which made for an even greater view since all of the Christmas lights were up. The middle aged men didn’t try to do anything crazy, just glided around the track at their own slow pace. It was a great excuse to be close and touching in public without anyone questioning them. They were able to skate along linking elbows and sometimes even holding hands without a second glance from the rest of the skaters. Robert wished they could always be this close in public.
Throughout visiting all the historic London landmarks and tourist spots, Sol kept insisting that they at some point go to an authentic English pub. “As you know,” he argued to Robert, “I am quite the beer connoisseur.”
“There is no such thing, but I’ll humor you.”
“Hey, Frankie and I are well versed on different kinds. We even traveled to Belgium to once to taste the special beer monks make only once every ten years.”
The accidental slip of mentioning Frankie made them both pause. Robert decided to break the ice. “Ok, well then this pub beer better be the best. You’ll have to educate me.
Sol had done his research and decided on one called the Slaughtered Lamb, much to Robert’s disdain. “What a quaint name.”
Sol scrunched his face and pointed to the scribbling in his notepad. “All the reviews say this is the best pub in the United Kingdom.” He wrapped his arm around Robert’s shoulder and escorted him in.
For some reason that to this day Robert will not understand, Sol decided to order their drinks in an “authentic” English accent. What this actually meant was Sol sounding like a reject from “Oliver!” but there was no going back now.
“’Ello, govna! Two pints of your best brew for me and my mate here!”
Robert stared, stunned. The bartender looked at them both and decided to just give the crazy American man what he wants to be rid of him.
“I hesitate to ask…”
“Robert, they wouldn’t give to good stuff to some American tourists! I had to go deep cover.”
“Of course. Well done.”
It took a few pints in him for Robert to lighten up after that but he eventually had a good time. He and Sol ordered what Robert would strain to call food, played darts, and talked to some regulars about any nearby spots they should visit.
Sol had fun at the pub but seemed a bit dejected on the walk back to the hotel.
“What’s wrong, Sol?”
“Oh, nothing. It’s just that it hasn’t snowed at all since we’ve been here.”
Robert chuckled. “Not cold enough for your tastes?”
“I was just kind of hoping for a white Christmas. Well, a white early Christmas. We don’t get any of that in California.”
Robert looked at him with sympathy and rested his hand on his face. “The trip isn’t over yet.”
The day after that was actually their last full day in London before they had to go back home. Back to their loving families, their job, their life that kept them close to each other but so far apart from the way that they wanted to be.
Robert had spent this entire trip arguing with himself on whether or not he should tell Sol that he loved him. He desperately wanted to, and he was pretty sure Sol loved him back, but he feared it would make going back to the real world that much harder for them. He had one day left to decide what to do.
Nevertheless, their last day should be special. They decided on dinner and a show, the perfect date night. During the day they did some last-minute shopping for souvenirs. Sol wanted to stop by a chocolate shop that was recommended to him, but then ended up eating all of the chocolates right then and there on a bench because “Grace would never allow that in the house.” Sol kept handing Robert chocolates without reading what was inside and Robert cursing him for not knowing he hated coconut.
By the time they were down from their sugar high, it was time to go to the play they’d bought tickets to, Les Miserables. The logic was that it was against nature for two gay men to visit the West End and not see a musical. Robert was secretly really excited about it. He loved musicals but felt it best to keep that secret hidden to avoid arousing suspicion. He let Sol pick which show to see, and Sol picked this because not only was it one of the longest-running shows in London, but he thought it would arouse the history buff in Robert while maintaining an emotional punch. It seemed to work, because Robert was so enamored by the story and the music that he barely grumbled about the historical inaccuracies. He also kept leaning over to whisper to Sol about how Enjolras and Grantiere were definitely an item. They both were in tears by the end, and Robert held Sol’s had tight throughout the finale.
After the show was a late dinner at a nice restaurant nearby. Robert was wearing his finest suit for the occasion, just in case he decided to tell Sol how much he meant to him and wanted to look nice for him. He’d booked a private booth so they wouldn’t be disturbed.
He started this crusade by absolutely spoiling Sol during dinner. He insisted he pick anything off the menu he wanted, ordered a bunch of appetizer for before and deserts for after, drinking the best champagne the place had. Robert ingested a lot of it to gain some liquid courage for what he wanted to say. He nearly lost it when Sol told him how nice he looked in his new suit.
Sol noticed something was up with Robert and finally said something. “You look nervous. Is something wrong?’
Robert froze, suddenly put on the spot. He nervously wiped his face and hands with his napkin, then chugged some more champagne before speaking.
“I um…this is our last night here.”
Sol raised an eyebrow at him stating the obvious. “Yes?”
Robert cleared his throat. “I know we’ve known each other a long time and that we’ve always been great friends and business partners, but these past few months have been the best of my life. I’ve never felt this happy and it’s because of you-” He struggled to find the next words. How many times had he rehearsed this? It didn’t help. “I’ve never been this happy with someone. I know we’re leaving tomorrow and this vacation will be over but I just wanted, needed to say that…I love you.”
Sol was stunned and near tears. Good or bad tears though? He took a few moments, then reached across the table to take Robert’s hand. “Ditto,” he smirked.
“To what?”
“To everything. I love you too, I was just too scared to say anything!”
They both laughed and grasped each other’s hands tighter since they couldn’t really kiss here. “Well how about that.”
They were both giddy on the walk back to the hotel. Huddling close for warmth, they risked holding hands in public because they just couldn’t let go of each other, not now. Robert never wanted to be separated from this man’s touch again. Because he knew he felt the same. Living his entire life as a lie to him always meant that he would never get to experience that with someone, but now he could. With Sol.
As they walked along the sidewalk, Sol felt a cold, soft drip on his face. “Oh my god.” He looked at Robert. Robert smiled at him. “Snow.”
“Snow!!” Sol repeated back.
“Looks like you get a white Christmas after all.”
“That’s more than any Jew could ask for.”
Robert brought his hand up to Sol’s face and kissed him. “Merry Christmas.”
The ride to the airport was unfortunately not as magical. They were still grasping each other’s hands for as long as they could, knowing that soon they wouldn’t be able to do this whenever they wanted, and certainly not ever in public. They seemed to have an unspoken agreement that what happens in London stays in London, meaning no more love talk. Would that make the sex awkward? Would they still keep up this affair, knowing how much it meant? Or just let this trip be theirs.
Solwas dropped off first. Robert walked him in and found that no one was home. “Well,” he started towards the door, “I better get home.”
“Yes. Home.”
They looked at each other in silence. Robert stepped in for a goodbye kiss but then realized that was probably a bad idea in Sol’s own home, so they ended up hugging awkwardly and patting each other on the back.
Robert said one last “Merry Christmas” as he went out the door. Sol stood there, wondering what to do next. He had no idea when his family would be home. He decided to see what was on pbs to pass the time but Robert came bursting through the door before he reached the living room.
“Okay so here’s the thing,” Robert said, slightly out of breath.
“Yes?” Sol said with hope in his voice.
“I don’t want London to be a one-time thing. I love you. I love you there and I love you here and I love you anywhere. And I just don’t want what I said to hurt us because I can’t imagine my life without you.”
Sol rushed towards him to embrace and kiss him. The kiss was urgent, unsure if this was the end of all this or the start of something else. Sol finally broke apart to speak.
“We’ll continue like we have been.”
“Business trips.”
“Late nights at the office.”
“Any time we can get.”
“Every time we can.”
Robert sighed. “I wish it wasn’t like this.”
Sol pressed his forehead to Robert’s. “Me too.”
“Maybe one day we’ll be dumb enough to not hide any more.”
That time was now.
Robert was ready. He’d refitted the London suit t fit him again. He’d spent all day cooking and learning different parts of the Shabbat rituals. He’d hoped Sol would be impressed. How funny that after all these years he’s still trying to woo Sol with a nice suit and fancy dinner. All that was missing was showtunes.
But he was ready. He’d never been more ready. This was the next chapter of his life with Sol, starting new traditions and memories.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.