Chapter Text
The room was quiet and the wind was strong. The night came and so did the moon. Sayori was hyperventilating, just staring at the ceiling above her head. The rope hanged there, not moving. Sayori thought about not doing it. But then the guilt hit her in the head. The way it munched on her, ruining her mind and body. Sayori looked at the bite marks on her wrists. She was always too much of a coward to cut. So instead, she bit herself until she felt her skin crack beneath her teeth. But it wasn’t enough. If you released a criminal after punishing them, they would still do crime. If you let a selfish parasite live after hurting her, she would still be selfish. That’s why she let the guilt eat her, bite her and make her see blood red. She put a chair just underneath the rope. She took a step, then another, then another. And here she was. Sayori wondered if she could go to heaven. Or was this the highest she was going to reach? Probably not, she thought. Heaven is for the good. She wiped her tears with her sleeves. She slowly got her head inside the loop. And let herself go.
She can’t remember what happened afterwards.
She just couldn’t breath.
It was supposed to be painless.
She couldn’t even do this simple thing.
All she could remember was struggling as her hands leaked blood.
Then there was a loud thump.
She fell back on the floor.
She was limp for a few seconds, just trying to breathe. She gripped the corner of her bed in terror. The white sheets were soaked with the blood at the tip of her fingers. She coughed as oxygen suddenly filled her lungs, giving a burning sensation. Her eyes went teary as she got on all fours, trying to balance herself. Her arm and back hurt from falling so hard but she tried focusing on how to breathe. After a few minutes of heavy and painful gasps, she laid on the floor. She couldn’t do anything else. She just stared at the ceiling as she cried and cried. She couldn’t even get up to clean her bleeding hands. What was the point? And now, she was too scared to try again. She was such a selfish coward. What was she going to do? Should she go to school tomorrow? Oh right, the festival. She knew going would mean getting exposed. After all, her throat was completely scarred too because of the attempt. But she knew she had to go. She couldn’t just ruin this for the club. They had worked so hard and ruining this for them would feel worse than dying for Sayori.
She couldn’t sleep much that night. She wasn’t even on her bed. She slept on the floor, too tired to get up. She slept for a few hours then woke up and stared at the ceiling until dawn hit. She wondered if she should get up. She tried. She couldn’t. She cursed herself under her breath for being so weak. She let her mind wander about the festival a little. She was going to take stage as well. But maybe Monika would let her sit in a corner instead. She couldn’t perform for a crowd looking like this. As she realized her hands were still bloody from last night, she almost screamed. Slowly, she got up to go to the bathroom. She opened the sink and let it get a little cold to clean off the dried blood. It was a brownish red now, unlike the first moments where it was bright red. As the cold water massaged her hands, she looked at the mirror on top of the sink. She lifted her head up a little bit to see the scar more clearly, but it hurt. It hurt to even swallow. She closed her eyes to try to distract herself as she focused more on her hands. She rubbed them to each other but the blood was too dried. She wondered if using soap was a good idea. But it didn’t look like she had many options, so she got a little soap on her hands and started rubbing it in. It burnt her hands and she gasped with the pain. But she kept quiet and continued washing. After a few minutes, she was finally able to fully cleanse her hands. She didn’t want to use a towel just in case there was still some blood she missed so she used some tissues to dry her hands. By the time she went back to her room, it was already half past six in the morning. She wondered if she could hide the scar on her neck. A choker could work, she thought and went on to find one in her drawers. She found a red one that matched her bow. It was the only one she could find anyways. She gently put the choker on so she wouldn’t irritate the scar too much. But the second she felt it on her neck, she felt like she couldn’t breathe all over again. It hurt so much. Sayori clawed at the choker, panicking. She threw it across the room the second she got it off. “S-stupid choker!” she cried in instinct, tears flowing down her cheeks.
She realized there wasn’t really a good way to hide it. By the time she did, it was already half past seven. MC would probably be here in about an hour. After all, she had promised to help carry the cupcakes him and Natsuki made to school. She sighed, realizing she had to get dressed up at some point. She couldn’t avoid the consequences her stupid actions caused forever. She forced herself up to find her uniform. She found her blazer, her jacket, her skirt and her socks. She still couldn’t find her button up. That was when she realized she was wearing it. “Shoot” she murmured under her breath as she got it off to see how bad it looked. It was all crinkled up and wet with sweat, tears and a little blood here and there. Angrily, Sayori threw the button up across the room. She went on to rummage through her closet to see if she had better options. Lucky for her this time, she found a clean one. Sure, it was a little old and wrinkled but it was the best she had. Before getting dressed, Sayori threw all the clothes she was wearing the night before into the washing machine. She didn’t start it, she decided to see how bad the damage was after school. Maybe she’d just throw them in the trash. Or burn them. Or rip them apart. Maybe she’d should have ripped herself apart. Maybe she should’ve tried harder. Maybe she had to just-
BANG!
Sayori panicked as she ran back to her room. Luckily, it was just the door. She realized she had left the window open, causing the wind coming from there to hardly close the door.
She was naked except her underwear as she was staring at herself in the mirror. It was quarter to eight and she was busy with finding all her flaws. She had brushed her hair for the first time in months. It was really tangled and trying to detangle her hair really hurt but she gave it her all. It was still a bit messy but it would do. She thought about brushing her teeth. Maybe another day. She stared at her neck in the mirror. It was red and bruised.
She dressed up and looked herself up and down in the mirror. It was obvious that any contact with the scar would hurt as heck. She tried to adjust the collar of her button up to hide it as much as she could.
She could only pray to this cruel god that no one would notice.