Work Text:
The day things start to change, Megan wakes up with a killer headache. It probably doesn't help that they started doing construction across the hall near Dani's room. There's a new section they're that they're renovating, Geffin had said. Or maybe they were tearing it down. Megan can't quite remember, she's always had a bad memory but it's been off more than usual.
They always have lunch together after rehearsal, but lately it's been weird. Heavier. Sometimes Megan says things and nobody answers. That's never happened before. Dani's not at the table today too, lately she's been eating meals on her own. She's seemed quieter now, more despondent. She only shows up to practices and rehearsals and leaves right after. Sometimes it looks like she's been crying.
Maybe it's the new world tour looming over all their heads and the long practices. Everyone's wound up now, way more than before. They have to be perfect, that's what everyone around them is always saying. A ten out of ten. She picks at her rice and traces shapes on the table. Yoonchae says something that makes everyone laugh, but Megan wasn't paying attention. Recently, Yoonchae's been wearing more yellow. "Isn't your color pink?" Megan asked her once, just for Yoonchae to get quiet and shrug. It matches my hair, she had said. Megan's headache came back again.
She looks up and realizes Sophia's looking at her, eyebrows furrowed. Quickly, Megan flashes a smile and looks back down, picking up a piece of chicken and chewing it. Even her mom's home cooking is starting to taste off. It doesn't make her feel better like it usually does. She needs something else, she's sure of it. And if she could just figure out what it is then everything could go back to normal again. Megan sighs. She still doesn't really know what it means to miss something she can't even remember.
That night, she decides to say yes to Lara's invite and get out of her head for once. They go club hopping in LA, in the middle of the crowd with the music so loud they can barely hear anything. It's here, under the lights and the pounding bass that Megan decides to ask about it. She blames the few drinks they had before they went out into the night but her hands are suddenly sweating and Lara's not acting like herself.
"Hey Lara," Megan says into her ear, chest pressed against her back. Lara looks back and quirks an eyebrow. They're both still moving to the beat, it reminds Megan a bit of the dance break in M.I.A. Only kind of. She thinks they're in the wrong positions. Her head starts to hurt again.
"What," Lara says, or at least Megan thinks she says, the music is too loud so she can only read her lips. Megan leans in again.
"Did something weird happen recently?"
"Like what?" Lara mouthes, shakes her head.
"Like, do you feel like something's missing? Or that somethings supposed to be here?"
Suddenly, Lara turns around and pushes Megan slightly. There's a space between them now and they're not moving to the music anymore.
"Don't say that, are you stupid?" Lara says this part loud. Megan can hear this through the music, her heart starts to pound. She doesn't like being called stupid, Lara knows that. It's unlike her to say something so careless. Megan looks away and bites her lip, she doesn't want to cry in public. Lara, face rough before, softens and lays a hand on Megan's shoulder. She looks around the crowd once, quickly, then leans back in.
"Be careful with what you say, you're gonna get us both in trouble."
Confused, Megan leans back to look around the crowd too. She doesn't see anything out of the ordinary, sweaty guys, girls with blowouts and bandage dresses, a dj with sunglasses and no shirt.
"With who?" She asks. Lara rolls her eyes.
"Who else? Management. Geffin. Stop asking so many questions." Megan blinks back at her, bewildered. It's not like Lara to be so secretive.
"What?" Megan shouts into the foggy pulsing air. "But we're not working? Why would they be here?" At this, Lara puts another hand on her shoulder. Both hands on Megan now, they're chest to chest. Megan feels Lara's hands on her shaking, watches her shake her head.
"No," she says. "We're always working."
Megan doesn't remember the rest of that night but she wakes up the next morning with her heartbeat in her forehead and a glass of water by her bedside. A packet of liquid IV powder and a note from Lara to, "be safe-L. Raj". She mixes the electrolights and gulps the drink down greatfully, she's not sure what happened but she's glad her and Lara are still on good terms. Megan wants to go and thank her. At rehearsal that afternoon Lara doesn't meet her eye.
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Megan's jade bracelets keep breaking. The last one happened on the set of Argentina, and she bought a new one since then but that one broke too. She's sure they're supposed to last longer than this, her mom has had hers for the last fifteen years. If she asked her about it Megan's sure she would say it's something about bad energy. Maybe Megan should start believing in those kinds of things. She's been feeling so sick lately and she's not sure why. So maybe that's the reason, either out of familial instinct or something else, she picks up the phone and calls her mom.
It's late afternoon, her mom usually goes to bed early but it's not too late in the day that she would for sure be sleeping. The phone rings four times before it picks up.
"My baby!" Her mom answers first, cheerful and in Cantonese. She's set the phone on her lap so it looks like her mom has a really big chin. She smiles. "How have you been? Have you been staying healthy? Working hard?"
"Hi mama," Megan answers, in English. She sets the phone down on her lap and brings her legs up to her chin. "I've been okay."
She pauses for a second, then shakes her head. "Actually mom, I've been feeling kind of sick". Instantly, her mom is all over the camera dissaprovingly.
"Aya, baby, that's what I've told you. You don't get enough sleep and you leave your stomach and legs out, that's how you get sick! I always watch your shows, your stomach and legs always out in the cold." Self consciously, Megan looks down. She's wearing shorts. Quickly, she brings a blanket to cover her legs. It doesn't really make her feel that much better.
"I don't know," she starts. "I just feel like..." And for some reason, she gets quiet and looks around, paranoid that someone might be listening. Why would they, Megan's not sure but it's a feeling in the pit of her stomach. She says this next part in Cantonese. "I just feel like they did something. The company. And we're not supposed to know about it." Hearing this, her mom hms and gets quiet.
After a brief pause, she says, "Whatever you do, keep yourself safe baby. Remember the nail that sticks up gets hammered down." Then, after another beat, "You make us so proud MeiYok, keep working hard."
Megan sighs. She's not really sure what kind of response she expected but she guesses this is it. Her mom's right, maybe it really is just none of her business and she should stop putting so much thought into it, this feeling of this loss that she doesn't even know what to do with.
"Okay. I will mom, I love you," Megan says. Waves a hand at the screen. Her mom says okay and bye bye and I love you too, and the beep of the phone. And then once again the suffocating silence of Megan's empty room. She doesn't get much sleep that night but she tries to.
At practice the next morning, she tries to shake off the uncomfortableness of last night. It's not only her that's been off, she's found. During their formation of Pinky Up Dani and Sophia keep standing in the wrong place. They keep leaving this weird space in between them, it's making Megan look off center. Frustrated, she brings it upon herself to put things back in order. She purposely tries not to think about the empty space and how it makes her head pound, how she almost stepped aside too.
"Wait, guys," she says, stepping to the front and waving her hands in front of her. "These positions are all off, we need to restart. Here," she holds her hands out and starts pointing to spots on the floor.
"It should be like this. One, two, three, four, five, six."
The room goes quiet. The choreographer snaps his head to look at Megan and her hands go cold. She gulps. She feels like she just got in trouble for something she hasn't discovered yet. Wide eyed, Megan looks around the room, heart pounding for a reason she doesn't even know. Sophia's looking at her again with that scrunched brow gaze, then turns to look at Yoonchae. The blonde taps her nose back, some kind of signal Megan doesn't understand. Lara looks at her and shakes her head. Dani looks like she's about to cry.
"Don't you mean five?" Sophia says tentatively, after a beat of silence.
"Oh yeah, my bad," Megan replies quickly, a huff of anxious relief. She laughs. "Sorry, I don't know why I said six."
The choreographer squints at her for a moment, before turning away and motioning them all to get back in position. Quickly, the moment passes over the way it came. When they start moving again, there's no more space. Megan's not really sure what to do about this growing heaviness in her chest. The headache is so splitting now it's making her eyes water, she's starting to feel like Daniela. She feels so sick she thinks she might throw up. Hastily, she excuses herself for a water break and rushes out of the studio. Behind her, she hears the choreographer sigh and dismiss everyone for a break and to reconvene in five minutes.
Megan leans against the wall and presses her cold water bottle to her forehead. It doesn't really help. After a few deep breaths, she turns to find Yoonchae beside her. The Korean takes Megan's hand and squeezes it slightly, taps her nose, and then her chest.
"You feel it," Yoonchae says. Her shirt is today is yellow. Megan nods. She's not sure what it is but she thinks she means the something missing, the something everyone keeps making space for and not talking about.
"I feel it too," Yoonchae continues, and pulls Megan in for a hug. Megan hugs her back and her headache lifts a little, just slightly.
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That night is the third night in a row Megan can't get any sleep. She's exhausted all her options and it's too late to call her mom or go party anyway. Her mother's words echo in her head, the tallest nail gets hammered down. Lara's note to "be safe." Something is off and she knows it, something is missing and she needs to know, she needs to know, she needs to know.
Her headache is pounding and maybe Megan feels like she's being hammered down already. She can't stop thinking about what Yoonchae said, the way she touched her chest and then her nose. The way she looked at Sophia, the way Sophia looked at Megan. She must know something. Sophia was always the most responsible one of the five of them, always the secret keeper and the argument mediator. It's then that before Megan herself even notices, she's gotten out of bed and tiptoed into Sofia's doorway.
Megan swings the door open gently, careful not to wake Sophia up. Her chest is burning and her hands are starting to shake, for some reason she feels the same way she did at the club with Lara, at the phonecall with her mom, at the studio infront of everyone with her finger pointed out. Like she's doing something she's not supposed to. Sophia's purse is on her desk, slightly open. Megan starts digging through it, not even sure what she's trying to look for. She takes out a handheld fan. A protein bar. Some hair ties, a lip balm and a gloss. A picture of all of them, Sophia, Daniella, Yoonchae, Lara, and her, and someone else. Another girl.
Megan traces a fingertip over the outline of her face. She's beautiful. And so, so, familiar. Megan can't stop looking at her. Below their posing faces, scrawled in sharpie, are the words "never forget" in Sophia's handwriting. The marker is smudged a bit. It looks like this picture was touched a lot. Forget what? Megan remembers this, She remembers where she was when this photo was taken, it was after one of the groups first recorded performances of Gnarly. When she first got to show off the pink hair, and the choreography where Sophia got to slap her with the long nails. But Sophia wasn't standing there that performance, she was on the other side, to her left...
The headache is stronger now, splitting from temple to temple. Megan doesn't understand what's happening. She starts hearing gasps and she startles, just to realize they're coming from her. She's crying. Hurriedly, Megan rushes to slap a hand over her mouth but it's too late, Sophia is already up and next to her.
"I'm sorry, I," Megan gasps into her palm, eyes flickering all around the room, to the door in the corner. She's so scared, and for some reason, so so sad. For some reason she can't let herself let go of this picture. It rattles in her shaking hand. "I just wanted to know what happened, I just,"
She's gasping for air now, and Sophia wraps both her arms around Megan's shoulders. She hugs her gently, letting Megan cry roughly in the crook of her neck.
"It's okay," Sophia says, but she's always like this, always says things are okay even when she doesn't really think so at all. Megan's chest is so heavy now she doesn't think she can breathe.
"I miss her so much," she says, in a whisper. Against her head she feels Sophia nod, rub her back in soothing circles. She really was the most put together one out of all of them, Megan knows this, especially now.
"I miss her too," Sophia says. They hold each other in the dark.