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Its an avrage evening and Spencer could be considered finally happy. There isnt really anything to worry about, he finally found someone who makes him happy, someone who dosent force him to do anything, someone who will never use him for his desires, it sounds like a pretty standart thing to ask for in a relationship but for him its kinda new. Logan is a kind person, he'll never treat him like that, he'll never use him for any some sort of desire. But no matter how happy he is he'll never forget that, but no matter how happy he is right now, Spencer'll never forget it, he'll never forget how dumb and innocent he was, he'll never forget how many times he begged him to stop and he never listened, he'll never forget... that.
"Im going to bed, i'll text you tomarrow" he texted to Logan before placing his phone faced down on the drawer, he laid in his bed and thought about it, thought about how dumb he was to think its healthy, thought about everytime he remembers it he gets that discusting feeling. You're suppused to get those feeling when you have it with someone you love, someone who you can trust, not when you think about being used for lustful disires. He kept running it over and over in his head until he felt something
"Shit..."
He murmured to himself before getting up to the bathroom, it wasnt a new feeling for him, he's been like that for about a year. He should reach for help and find a way to hill himself, but its just so emberrasing to him, he is a grown man, he shouldnt feel this currectly at his age, its been a year for god sake he should be over this, why cant he just let go? Why cant he stop thinking about it? Why does everytime he think about it he get this feeling?
He made it to the bathroom and did what he needed to make that feeling stop. Its something you do when you wanna pleasure yourself not when you're full of shame, and that exact thought made feel even more like an idiot. After he finishef taking care of that he washed his hands and face, he looked im the mirror, red in the face and can berally look into his own eyes
"Fuck.."
He murmured again while going back to his room
"Whats wrong with me?"
He asked while burring his face in his pillow, he always felt shameful after moments like this, its not like he can control it, he is well aware of that. Its just that no matter how aware he is and no matter who and how someone will try to help him he'll feel like they pity him, he acrually hates it, it makes him feel like he is a little kid who cries for help. But he dosent cry for help, he can take care of himself on his own, he can always take care of things on his own.
After the few moments of shame that felt like forever, he opened his phone again to see while he got up Logan texted him again
"GOODNIGHT! LOVE YA! ❤️"
Which made Spencer smile a little, Logan is the sweetest, he is thankful for having someone like him in his, even better as a partner. Their relationship is everything to Spencer, he actually feel that unlike in his last relationship, Logan wanna be with him because he loves him, not because he's looking for someone to pleasur himself with.
Spencer went to sleep a little after that, before he vould pass to sleep random thought passed in his mind. They started as avarge thoughts, random memories that came to mind, things he needs to do tomarrow, really just random thoughts, until a new one came. It was the sanerio that happend but Logan was there, something that relastically would never happen, but even thinking about it for a few second made Spencer blush, not out of fluterdness but out of akwardness, that akwardness turned to shame. Logan is a good person, he would never do that. Right?
When spencer slept thag night he started dreaming, usally a dream is peices of your memory being conected in a bizare way, that dream was no diffrent. The thought that popped into his brain while he was half asleep changed for an image to a more reaslitic sanerio looking. He dreamed the whole thing, the whole sanerio but insted of his ex, Logan was there.
Spencer woke up in horror, breathing heavally and sweating. He felt that feeling again, the feeling that always made him ashamed of himself. He went ti the bathroom and did that act. Those thoughts came to him pretty often, around twice a week or so, but twice a day is whole new level for him, and this fact made him even more ashamed. He brushed his hands and face like he usally did, but this time when he looked at the mirror he didnt only feel ashamed but disgusted, not only by the situation, but by the fact that from all people that could have replace his ex in this situation he couldnt stop imagine Logan. His partner and currectly his most important person.
That thought made him ashamed and dicusted in himself more than he ever did. He felt his eyes getting wet and tried to hold it, he cant cry because of this, he isnt a baby. He went to his room and laid back in his bed, without noticing he started tearung up and tearing up turned to crying. He tried to stop it but it was stronger than him and the next thing he knows, he gets waken up by his alarm with red puffy eyes and an ache in his throat.
The day continued normally after that, he went to work, than back home and took a shower, he even was a little excited, hanging with Logan can sure cheer up again, right?
They met at a park. Spencer felt happy again, he loved spending time with Logan, i mean who dosent like spending time with their partner? They mostly talked which means Logan talked and Spencer listened and threw a word here and there, Logan tried to ask him things but he just answered shorty. He enjoyed but how can you look someone in the eyes when just last night you dreamed about them doing to you the worse that ever happend to you?
"So Spencer" Logan said while blushing
Spencer immidatly notice him blushing which alarmed him, making clunch his fist but he tried to mask it with playing with his fingers
"Yeah?" He answered with a fake but realistic small smile
"Do you wanna.. how do i say this..?" Logan tried to mumble it out while gettung redder and redder and messing with his fingers "you know.. do it.. with me? ONLY IF YOU WANNA"
Spencer's face turned red, not because he's excited to do it but because the dream ran in his head again and that feeling came back. He didnt notice but his eyes started to tear again. No no no what does he answer? Later? Not today? Not ready?
Logan immidiatly notice him tearing up and warped his arm around him "woah woah woah are you ok?"
That act of touch only made Spencer feel more like shit and tearing harder, he didnt know how to explain it to him. Should he explain it him? Logan looked at him so worried, he didnt seem to pity him.
"I uhh" Spencer said while wiping his tears "was in a relationshop before. Started around senior year, it was pretty good at the start and i was kind of a people pleasure. When it came to phisical touch i didnt really know how to say no and he used it and took it to deeper levels and i remember pretty well that night. It was the first time i ever said no but he didnt really bother to listen, to be honest he didnt stop until he decided it was enoght. We had a pretty rocky relationship since than causing us to break up"
Usally people cry while telling stories like this, but he didnt. Its like the sanerio ran in his head so many times it didnt have that affect on him anymore, only the shameful one stayed.
Logan patted Spencer back, unsure what to say. "Im sorry"
"Dont be, its not like its your falte or anything"
Logan hugged him tightly, it sounds horrible. "Did you try to reach for help?" He askes while rubbing his back
"Not really, what do i even tell to people? That i was too much of a dumbass to not expact that?" Spencer said while tapping on Logans back, unsure if to return the hug
"You werent a dumbass" Logan said than added "you were 17, its a lot to happen. You're pretty amazing for surviving it, probeblly takes a lot"
Those words cutted deep. Spencer never saw himself as a survivor or soemthing like that, mostly an idiot, an innocent idiot. But hearing his dearest person saying that cutted deep, like someone actually care. He returned the hug until it was broken "thanks, for trying to help" he said while ugesting his glasses
"You really dont need to thank me" Logan said while taking Spencer's hand, holding it tighly. "You know it dosent make you a coward to ask for help, im not really a proffesional, but im sure a proffesional can help you. Not fix it but makinv it less worse, at least the effects"
Spencer couldnt look back at Logan at first but hearing him saying it made it sound less worse, not like he's ready to tell it to a stranger with a digree yet, but believe that maybe he isnt an idiot after all. Maybe he can be healed. Maybe he can be himself again, to be free.