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Ava was wholeheartedly unintentional with every touch, a slight flinch grasping her arm whenever contact was made. It was as if she hadn't thought her fingers would actually skim against your own. There was so much uncertainty written into the tender touch. Maybe she had been untouchable, punished by her craving for affection for too long that the mere thought of touching your hand without the intention of violence made her uncomfortable.
There was nothing to say. It might have made her pull away if you did. Things were better when you didn't acknowledge it so broadly. You would never announce it with a vicious smile at the lingering touch that was initiated by her. Sometimes, when she was wracked by those episodes where her body was somewhat lost for moments of a time and fading, you could see her hand on your own before it even moved. The imitation of her next movement cast over your hand before the sensation followed. You wondered if she did it on purpose, that she was trying to move before her body first.
You wanted to intertwine your fingers, slip past the confines of her gloves and feel her skin instead. You wanted to be closer. The distance of what you had was more damaging than you were willing to admit. It was ruination. There was no closure to the longing. You thought you would desire more, and more and more than she could ever allow. There was no beginning that you could remember, it was a gradual build of desperare curiosity until it morphed.
And yet... you endured.
Sitting beside her at the kitchen table, wondering how long you would be staring up at the mere idea of having her barely there. It took a lot of strength to keep your hand from reaching out. Ava looked purely antagonised by Alexei, watching his movements with a scowl as her hand brushed against your wrist when reaching for a glass of water. You almost jolted at the sensation. "Can you stop chewing so loud?" she murmured, staring blankly at him with accusation.
Alexei paused, mouth still full of cereal and his spoon half raised for another mouthful. He looked bewildered by the prospect, but nodded slightly and continued eating. It never seemed he was inconvenienced by anything, accustomed to the snappy tone of his teammates and taking it all in stride.
"No I didn’t, Bob! I said 'isnt it convenient that you-'"
"Don't raise your voice at him!" - "Don't shout at me!"
"I'm not SHOUTING AT YOU!"
"YOU ARE SHOUTING!"
Ava twisted roughly in her seat, elbow resting on the table as she looked behind you both at the three squabbling. She sighed audibly, a heavy exhale while wincing at the volume. And there was her hand again, resting just inches away from your fingers. You could crawl towards them, brush your fingers against the gloves that protected her from contact. That repulsive craving to invade her space was pitiful, even to yourself. Don't ruin it, you told yourself. Don't force her to pull away. Take. Thats what you do anyway, isnt it? You take whatever is given and be thankful for the lick of attention.
And so, you endured.